Expectations

[CarrieDS]

We've had a new Au Pair or the last 7 weeks. She's nice, friendly and doing pretty well on the important things... she is calm and patient with the children, and they are safe in her care. Couple of issue's I'm wondering if anyone has advise on:-

1. She does zero tidying up. It's in her contract that she isn't expected the clean the house, but just to tidy up after herself and the kids. I don't know if she has misunderstood! Currently she leaves toys/ clothes (coats etc) out all over the place, and bits of half eaten kids meals/ plates all over the kitchen. She doesn't load/ unload the dishwasher ever. I wish I has said something week1 but I didn't, and now I feel awkward about it. We have 3 kids, but 2 are in full time/ part-time school/ pre-school and we give top end pocket money I believe (£150pw).
2. She isn't great at structuring activities and asks them what they want to do too much. I did explain this to her a few times, kids need direction and structure. It's manageable during term time, but this got a bit out of control over Easter holidays and now I am thinking ahead to summer holidays. Any advise/ success stories?
3. She knows nobody in the UK (we're in London) and I'm sure she must be lonely, although she doesn't show it. I have tried to help by suggesting places to go, how to meet similar people (facebook) but I worry she spends a lot of time at home/ in her room, which I think makes me feel more guilty than I would if she were off living her best life over here. Makes it harder to 'pick holes' about the cleaning etc.

Any thoughts appreciated.

Carrie.

I give all my au pairs a timetable with a specific list of what to do eg:

5pm - heat up kids dinner
5.30pm - tidy up; wash dinner plates; sweep bits of food off floor
6pm - tv for kids
7pm - brush kids teeth

I have found this works best. Not all are great at "using judgement" as don't forget they are young.

There are of course bits which an au pair ignore but most of them stick to the list.

I think a timetable is the way forward.

I think you should push the social side a bit more. The au pairs that we have had who didn't make friends, didn't do their job well either. It's hard to stay motivated and positive about your work when you're trapped in 4 walls for too long. We've also found that if they don't make friends at the beginning, they lose motivation to try.

Do you have any friends with au pairs? Does she do an English course? We found facebook good for finding au pairs but if not, what about any hobbies of hers?

I agree a timetable is good. My current one also keeps asking the kids what they want to do. I now tell them they either they decide or the au pair decides for them. I have given the au pair a list of things they can do (building train tracks, Lego, painting, board games).

I also find that you need to frequently remind au pairs or (like all of us) they slowly deteriorate in their effort. So i might say "Oh the costs are on the floor, could you make sure the kids always hang them up" or "when you and the kids have finished eating, could you put the plates in the dishwasher". I'd say it more like a passing comment rather than a criticism. I wouldn't, for example tell them they have forgotten to load the dishwasher or ask why they have left things lying around.

I was too nice at the beginning and after a few months i realised i was parenting everyone! You have to keep on top of things in a nice way. It was too easy to slip into habits of just doing everything because its easier than awkward conversations. But i regretted it.

Thanks a lot. Okay good shout.
I did do a timetable, but I didn't put 'empty dishwasher' etc. in. I wish I had now. I feel a bit awkward about this now, but I know need to take to her about it.
Thanks again.
C.

SlightlySleepy that's really interesting and helpful. I really agree with you. I have been thinking the same thing about social issue; our last au pair was very independent and went out to meet people/ travel but was also v happy going out to see cinema/ shows etc. on her own. Having someone around who isn't meeting anyone, doing anything else is making me feel bad and a bit uncomfortable.
I hear what you say about gentle directives. Actually this morning I happened to say to her "Oh I'm not sure I ever actually showed you how to use the dishwasher" and showed her (she nodded that she already knew). Hopefully she may take the hint.
She is Australian so no need for English course. I have asked locally for people with Au Pairs - I may try again. I have encouraged her to meet other Au Pairs on FB there are so many Australians and Canadians in London. I just don't get the impression she's making much progress. I don't know if I can do this for her! I'll look into groups.
Thanks so much. I completely agree about being too nice etc. I think I have been the same and we indeed are slipping into bad habits.
Really helpful xx

What a shame there are no language barriers and she is in London but not making an effort to find friends! This is a significant part of the au pair experience.

If you give her a nudge do you think she would make an effort or is she naturally a recluse?

@roses2 I'm not sure actually. I have been asking the same question. She is very nice and a friendly person. However, I'm unsure if it is shy-ness/ laziness/ or maybe just a bit nervous/ inexperience in being abroad. I have offered to help and have discussed meeting people via fb a few times with her. She did meet 1 girl but she was Italian, and I suspect wasn't the best fit (language/ culturally), and I'm sure there must be loads of Australians in same position in London. It has indeed in some ways not been log (7 weeks) however, I do get the impression she could go on all year like this!

She just needs one friend to really start her off, do you have classlist at the children's schools? That could be a way to find a native English speaker, I often arrange a first coffee date for my au pairs as it can be quite daunting at first.

Yes, a timetable would be a good idea too, but just bring things up as the issue arises. I've had to tell all of mine to empty/pack the dishwasher and to tidy up coats. If they don't do it, I just remind them when I get in and they do it then instead.

How many hours is she doing. I'm assuming that she isn't with the children full-time during the holidays?

I agree with the suggestions above. How much sole care does she have during the holidays? I've found APs are not a replacement for full-time holiday care as such, just the wrap-around like during school.

Maybe a lazy day here or there with older ones, but most of mine wouldn't have had a clue how to entertain a child all day.

@DropOfffArtiste and @underneaththeash my older two kids I take to various camps over holidays to ease the Au Pair load. It changes every week but sometimes they are both out full days, other times one of them is out a full day, sometimes half days etc. Our youngest just turned 2 and is home full time yes, although she's easier and naps. And of course we take family holidays/ days off during school holidays so it's not every single week.

I go through a vigorous process at interview stage to find someone who understand this is the case and pay towards the higher end and add perks/ rewards.

It so happened with our last Au pair, I sent the kids off the camps etc. and she seemed to miss them. She was like Mary Poppins! I know we were lucky with her but shows, these ones do exist! :)

So she’s doing 40+ hours per week looking after a 2 year old full-time? That’s not an au pair role, at £150/week she’s a very underpaid live-in nanny.
I think you were very lucky last time in finding someone who didn’t feel exploited.

I can’t link in this phone, but if you look under au pairs on gov.uk it explains what au pairs should be doing. You need to be registered as an employer too if you’re paying over £116/week.

That's too many hours sole care with a 2 year old for an AP. Can't you carry on with nursery during the school holidays? Around here they are open 50 weeks per year.

If she's doing that amount of hours, then she's not an au pair, she's a nanny. How many hours does she actually do?

Oh, I've just seen that she has full-time sole care for the 2 yr old? That's not an AP role.

I'm not sure I agree...

The info online (you gov) states around 25 hours a week about £70.

Of course knowing ours does 40 hours a week, we double the pocket money, and pay for nice extras and they get decent breaks off when we are away a few times a year (we are away 10 days end of May for example).

It's not the same as a nanny, as a nanny doesn't get food and a large double bedroom with TV etc. in a London home. The overall package of our AP is around £1500pm.

And yes the hours are to the max, but this was clearly outlined/ discussed/ agreed and written up in the contract during the interview process.

Our APs never do cleaning or clothes or anything other than look after the kids and wipe up after themselves. And I work from home so I help out and am around FYI.

Finally we are nice people and our last Au Pair was very happy and didn't want to leave.

Remember ladies.... be nice. Try not to judge too swiftly online.

ps. I've drawn up a schedule and things are now much better so thank you whoever suggested that.

Bit of a drip feed there! Au pairs are meant for wrap around care, not full time care. You need a live in nanny not an au pair. And paying double the going rate means they should be paying tax.

40 hours per week sole care for a 2 year old, plus wraparound for 2 older children is a full-time nanny role.

AP max working hours are upto 30 per week.

NMW for someone 18-20 years old is 6.15, so total for 40 hours minus the accommodation offset of 52.85 is 193.15. No other benefits are included in offsetting the requirement for NMW.

www.gov.uk/national-minimum-wage-rates

The law applies equally to nice people with big London houses.

OP you can't just double the suggested pocket money...the hours limit is there to ensure that the au pairs have enough time to actually experience life in the UK. When is yours actually going to make friends/explore London if she's working 40+ hours a week, you must be able to see that that just isn't fair for £150/week. Very few au pairs get only £70/week.

And yes..live-in nannies get full board and lodgings and get paid substantially more. There's some live-in jobs here on nanny job

www.nannyjob.co.uk/childcare/Nanny/London/Greater_London/FullTime/AnyTerm/LiveIn/AnyEmployer/AnyLanguage?results=15#SearchTabs

I don't think anyone has been particularly judgemental, but would you be happy for your child in a few years time to do a job for much less half the money that others are doing it for?

You also mentioned that your au pair isn't joining in with the family and it may well be that she is feeling exploited, especially after meeting the other au pair, who is likely doing significantly less hours.

OP we've had au pairs for years. We have always viewed the upper hours limit of 30 as including time when we are late back from work, and kids and AP watching TV perhaps of if they're older the AP is doing her thing at home while the kids chill. The arrangement is really not meant to be thirty hours sole charge man to man marking a two year old for pocket money. That is just too much day in and day out and a tribunal would probably consider her a nanny. I think you need to find a childminder for part of everyday and top up with AP. Bring the hours right down. No one pays £70 any more either.

Ah the package. That's always what people say when they're underpaying and overworking their APs.

The more I read about this on here, the more I think the whole AP programme should be stopped. It's just a way for middle class people to exploit young women

I think that's extreme and missing the point a bit. I'd be happy for my daughter who is coming up to the age she could do it to go and live in Europe with a family under the arrangement of 25 hrs plus eur 100 per week. It would definitely be cheaper than us paying for her to live and travel for a year. It would be a shame if the scheme got scrapped.

It is a shame that the AP sector is so under-regulated and APs are in a potentially vulnerable situation, because it can work so well for everyone.

Rules are rules and you have broken them. Drop your excuses, you’re getting delusional.
I also agree that the au pair program should be stopped.