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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Nanny has a new boyfriend, half her age

51 replies

nannyissues · 14/04/2019 15:50

Hi all,

I have a new nanny (with me for 3 weeks, live-in) who is so far fantastic in every respect - honestly, best I've ever had.
The problem I have now is that she told me earlier today she has a boyfriend and asked whether it is ok for him to come and spend a couple of hours in the house next week.
I asked her about this boyfriend, and it turned out that he is around half her age (she is late 50s, he is late 20s). This has really alarmed me, especially as she seems to be totally irrational / love-bombed when talking about this (very new) relationship, already planning a wedding, speaking of him as the love of her life etc.
I said no, but now I am scared she will ignore what I said and bring him around when I am at work next week. Scared to the point that I am thinking of letting her go now (probation is 4 weeks).
Please tell me I am grossly overreacting? Or not?

OP posts:

Prequelle · 14/04/2019 15:51

If you trust her judgement with your child, you should surely trust her judgement with a partner?

DPotter · 14/04/2019 15:57

Massive overaction.
As log as BF isn't around when she's looking after your children, makes no difference if he's 20, 30, 40, 50 60 years old.

Some young women in their 20's talk about their BF incessantly, weddings, soul mates etc, why can't a woman in her 50's.

Look on the bright side - she's less likely to get pregnant and come crying on your shoulder as she does't know how it happened / what to do about it

As a woman in her late 50s - I say good on her.

Original poster

nannyissues · 14/04/2019 16:00

No, the issue is exactly that she asked that he comes and "helps" her when the children are home (second week of Easter holidays here).
They don't even share a language with this new boyfriend (she has very basic fluency in English). I don't know why, but something about this just makes me feel really uneasy, but it is good to have a reality check.

OP posts:

GinUp · 14/04/2019 16:02

You're planning to let her go because of something she hasn't even done??

And you think it's a big deal that he's younger than her?

Someone in this scenario is "totally irrational" but I don't think it's the nanny.

CarolDanvers · 14/04/2019 16:03

What?! No?! No random men in my home, round my kids when she’s not even through her probation. Ridiculous.

GinUp · 14/04/2019 16:05

I'd say no to the 'helping' too but it seems silly to let her go just in case she ignores that.

CarolDanvers · 14/04/2019 16:06

OP please don’t listen to the previous posters. You’re RIGHT to have reservations around this. MN is nuts sometimes!

Fairylea · 14/04/2019 16:06

I wouldn’t be happy with him helping out with the kids! No no no.

DPotter · 14/04/2019 16:06

That's a bit of a drip feed there.
But in that circumstance - it's a No.

Not because of the ages of the nanny or the BF. But because he is someone you don't know and haven't checked out.
If you think she will still invite him around - you need to explain the reasons and consequences to her really clearly. And maybe get a nannycam..............

Bluestitch · 14/04/2019 16:07

I would be alarmed at the lack of judgement in her asking if it's okay for a random man she's only just met to help care for your children. What is she thinking!

Tartyflette · 14/04/2019 16:08

Definitely a big No to him 'helping' with children, at any rate.
You don't know him from Adam after all.
If he comes to visit her when she's not on duty, that's different.

Original poster

nannyissues · 14/04/2019 16:09

Someone in this scenario is "totally irrational" but I don't think it's the nanny.
I am fully prepared to hear that.
The scenario I deeply fear is along the lines that she was targeted by a child abuser for a "relationship". She was single when I hired her (I did not ask specifically, I am a single mother myself and she told me that she fully understands as she was one herself, and still single now that her children are adults). Now boom, a boyfriend appears.

OP posts:

OhMyDarling · 14/04/2019 16:09

Nope absolutely not.
Start looking for another.

Tattletale · 14/04/2019 16:10

I think the age gap is a bit of a red herring here. The main issue is an unchecked and unknown man who she doesn't really know being possible unsupervised around your kids.

CarolDanvers · 14/04/2019 16:11

You’re NOT being irrational. Even without the wanting him to help with your kids (WTF?!) it’s still pretty inappropriate to be wanting to bring random blokes into your home before she’s even got through her probation and built relationships with YOU and your family.

Original poster

nannyissues · 14/04/2019 16:11

That's a bit of a drip feed there.
I realise how drip-feedly it looks now, I just assumed that everyone has the same headache with Easter holidays.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/04/2019 16:11

Nanny Cam

OhMyDarling · 14/04/2019 16:12

I had a boyfriend who the police then informed me was a registered sex offender with previous for child grooming and had done time for all this.
Keep him away and give her notice. Your children are your priority here.

RuggyPeg · 14/04/2019 16:22

Not a chance would I allow this and I'd also question her judgement too, in thinking this might be ok.

englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 16:23

It's not an over reaction in that she should not be having new boyfriends around your children. The age of her chosen boyfriend however? Nothing to do with you.

Did you not lay down ground rules regarding partners when you contracted her?

Waitingforinspo · 14/04/2019 16:28

Absolutely no way.
Listen to your gut instinct, OP.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 16:32

I would let her go. Asking for a verybnew bf to “help out” at any time but especially only a few weeks into a job shows poor judgment, and I’d be alarmed about the wedding talk too.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 14/04/2019 16:33

WHAT? The fuck you are overreacting. Trust your instincts. NO. She'd be going and next time get a longer probation. Fucking nuts to ask to have some random 'helping' do the job you were hired for 3 weeks in. Just NO. I'd be putting cameras in, too. It's basically asking you to leave your kids with a total stranger. FFS, MN is stupid sometimes.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2019 16:36

I'm shocked that she would even think it's acceptable to have her boyfriend come around to "help" with the children. That's HER job! That shows her lack of judgement right there. I would get rid immediately because I wouldn't trust her not to have that man in my home. This is very scary.

LifeImplosionImminent · 14/04/2019 16:39

IMO - It's not the age of the boyfriend it's the fact he is a perfect stranger - I assume you vetted and interviewed your nanny before you decided to give her access to your children, so you should be rightly alarmed at anyone she tries to introduce to them. Even her sister coming to help would be a big fat NO.

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