Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Nanny has a new boyfriend, half her age

51 replies

nannyissues · 14/04/2019 15:50

Hi all,

I have a new nanny (with me for 3 weeks, live-in) who is so far fantastic in every respect - honestly, best I've ever had.
The problem I have now is that she told me earlier today she has a boyfriend and asked whether it is ok for him to come and spend a couple of hours in the house next week.
I asked her about this boyfriend, and it turned out that he is around half her age (she is late 50s, he is late 20s). This has really alarmed me, especially as she seems to be totally irrational / love-bombed when talking about this (very new) relationship, already planning a wedding, speaking of him as the love of her life etc.
I said no, but now I am scared she will ignore what I said and bring him around when I am at work next week. Scared to the point that I am thinking of letting her go now (probation is 4 weeks).
Please tell me I am grossly overreacting? Or not?

OP posts:
Meandmetoo · 14/04/2019 16:40

Surely the issue is your nanny has indicated she needs some help with your DC and has asked if she can bring a random stranger in to your home? Rather than just having a younger boyfriend Hmm

eurochick · 14/04/2019 16:43

The age gap is irrelevant. However she's showing a dangerous lack of safeguarding knowledge by wanting to invite an unchecked male to help her care for your child.

The idea that she has been targeted by an abuser because of her job crossed my mind too.

MullofKintire · 14/04/2019 16:47

Nanny wants to introduce a man you do not know into your house to interact with your children when you are not there. Answer is clearly “No way”.

And I am certain that those criticising you for being judgemental would be the first to criticise you for being negligent were something to go wrong.

woolduvet · 14/04/2019 16:49

Ring doorbell will show you who has come to the door.
I presume she has a dbs, which I presume her new boyfriend who wants to spend time with your children does not.
She's paid to look after them not to chat to her new bf.

SingleMumFighting · 14/04/2019 16:50

No Sorry. What new boyfriend wants to help out with somebody else's children. Its early days. Surely they are more intetested in and likely to be planning alone time together? I do not trust your nanny's judgement.

SingleMumFighting · 14/04/2019 16:51

Sorry for the typos.

NWQM · 14/04/2019 16:54

Bring new boyfriend to work day!!! Er no.

I'd be seriously worried that she thought that this in anyway a sensible thing to ask any employer but especially when she doesn't know you or your children fully yet.

Definitely would make me rethink too.

Mumsymumphy · 14/04/2019 16:56

I'd be questioning her suitability as a nanny, for her to think that it's ok to even ask if a strange man can 'help' her look after your children. Massive red flag.

AllTheFunAndGames · 14/04/2019 17:01

I suspect he isn't as 'new' as you think if she's talking about marriage, love of her life and bringing him to work with her. It will get even more awkward when he unofficially moves in. If you keep her on, there needs to be house rules and it is not acceptable to have him minding your DC.

Original poster
nannyissues · 14/04/2019 17:13

Thanks all. I guess my thinking was a little bit panicky / jumbled up, I started this thread pretty much immediately after the discussion.

Yes, I initially reacted to the age gap (not only age, also culture / language gap, but did not want to get shouted down as racist). I will try to explain my chain of thoughts (which has nothing to do with being judgmental) - I just could not see what they can have in common to serve as a relationship basis, started looking for less innocent motivations on his behalf, and scared myself to death here with a child abuser scenario.

What I actually have issue with, as many of you pointed out, is not the age gap or her choice of partner but her judgment, and whether I can actually trust her now not to bring anyone into the house to "help", given that she thought it might be ok. The answer is obviously no and my concern is that she simply won't even ask the next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
nannyissues · 14/04/2019 17:16

Yes, I have CCTV around the house (issues with ex) so I can see pretty much real time who comes in and who comes out.

OP posts:
RyvitaBrevis · 14/04/2019 17:18

Did you ever read Ordeal by Innocence by Agatha Christie?

I understand why you might think the age gap could be a sign that the boyfriend could be taking advantage of her in some way, eg for a visa, but it's pure speculation at this point.

She has shown terribly poor judgement in asking for her new boyfriend who you have never met to help out with the children. So you're not overreacting.

rightreckoner · 14/04/2019 17:23

No bloody way. Some posters are so keen to prove they are cool that glaringly odd and red flaggy things get waved through. This is obviously very strange and there’s no way he should be anywhere near your home. I’d be doubting her judgement big time.

rightreckoner · 14/04/2019 17:25

And in what world are men in their 20s interested in women approaching 60? They are not. It’s ok to say this. It just doesn’t happen - so I’d suspect something else going on.

GinUp · 14/04/2019 18:08

If she was single 3 weeks ago and now wants to bring him to your home, I take it back about you being the one who is irrational. That's not a normal request at all.

YANBU.

1CantPickAName · 15/04/2019 19:54

@nannyissues this would be a massive NO from me. I’d give notice immediately. Grooming is not just children, it’s grooming the adults around the children, so allow and ‘normalise’ the ‘activities’, if you see what I mean?

I wouldn’t trust her judgement or allow her around my children. Yes you have cctv in your home, but what about outside your home? I wouldn’t take the risk.

Just out of curiosity, how old are your children? Is your nanny live in or live out? What nationality is she and he?

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/04/2019 17:56

why hire a nanny who has basic fluency in english - assume thats your native tongue?

she asked, you said no, some employers dont mind nannys bf round sometimes

that should be the end of it

you cant dismiss her for asking, but you can dismiss her if she ignors your request

and age is regardless, would it make a diff if her bf was 50/60

ThePerturbedPenguin · 16/04/2019 18:01

Jeez, no way! Very poor judgement on her part to even ask. Have you spoken to her about it since?

Cora1942 · 16/04/2019 18:21

Havent time to read all replies.
Im a nanny (live out). Wouldnt dream of having another adult around the children i care for. We only meet with other nannies/local mums and their children.
Get rid. Trust your instict.

FurrySlipperBoots · 21/04/2019 22:30

If she's the best nanny you've ever had I tremble to think what the others were like!!

MashedSpud · 21/04/2019 22:36

Not a chance.

He’s not been police checked, he’s not a nanny, no, no just no.

Ohyesiam · 21/04/2019 22:36

Trust your instincts op.
Her judgement is seriously skewed.

RosaWaiting · 21/04/2019 22:42

I think you've posted in a panic and given irrelevant info

his age etc doesn't matter, the point is she wants to bring an unknown man to the house, to your DC.

Also tbh I would be letting her go - she has very odd ideas if she thinks asking this is okay. I'd also be wondering what was going on full stop - did she really just acquire this boyfriend?

There's way too many things wrong here. Get rid before probation period ends.

OldAndWornOut · 21/04/2019 22:48

Bloody hell!!!!
Absolutely no to letting some total stranger 'help out' with children.
What the hell are some of you thinking??
She doesn't even know him properly herself.

HairycakeLinehan · 21/04/2019 23:05

I am agog at the naivety of some MNers sometimes.

OP you are absolutely right to consider getting rid of her
-She is behaving wildly irrationally, this isn’t a characteristic I’d want to be so prevalent in someone looking after my DC
-Thinking of an abuser situation is not absurd, this is exactly how this kind of person operates (please I urge everyone to read Predators, I have shared a YouTube vid of it in relationships previously)
-To even ask such an unbelievable thing at all would worry me enough to want to get rid because it shows where her boundaries and safeguarding skills are.

Listen to your gut on this OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread