Car seat safety (and other safety concerns)

[FiveYearsOlder]

My daughter would kick off massively if I picked her up and I couldn't even get her in the car seat despite many tricks. If I did she managed to do a Houdini and escape.

(My concerns on WTF to do when you can't reason with a 22 month old is for another time...)

Anyway, they offered to drop her off. I gratefully accepted but said I wanted her extended rear facing and even bought them a car seat that can be taken in and out.

They also do pre-school drop offs and so the car seat can't always stay in. They said they were fine with taking it in and out.

Anyway, her partner (who does the school runs) once said, "Oh the car seat doesn't fit in the minibus as there's no IsoFix". However, it dawned on me after that he'd changed his minibus a week before. I therefore messaged to say I would pick her up going forwards. However, it turns out there is an IsoFix (Googled the model), so obviously too much hassle (understandable but just tell me).

I then discovered that she'd been to a farm on the half-term break, despite me having said about my ERF concerns. They didn't hide it. It was in BabyDays, so maybe they didn't think about it.

My daughter than started her Houdini tricks in the morning too. We decided the risk was less of they picked her up too, as she's writhing that badly her neck would probably be cut the second we set off

She does the same in the pram.

Today I noticed that the car seat she was in didn't even have the head protection in the right place e. If she'd be in an accident she may as well be in a seatbelt.

I could raise this and offer to fit another car seat that can also turn for the older kids

However, my other big concern is the lies/not keeping me informed of that trip and general ignorance towards safety issues. I've spoken to another parent who said they see the gate unlocked sometimes. I also caught her out once on a nap issue - her partner let slip she'd not slept but BabyDays was updated with her sleep time.

There's a massive waiting period for childminders and nurseries (one that is walkable has availability but there is limited outdoor space). My preferred choice by a long shot doesn't have availability until July.

I therefore need a solution for the meantime.

I can tell she genuinely cares for her and even her partner said she is smitten. Her daughter has taken a real shine to her too.

However, I worry that even if I miraculously managed to get her to go in the car seat for us (or walk/go in the pram 25 mins and still get to work or home) then she may take her out without telling me.

Any advice on what you would do? I obviously intend to have a serious chat but they're under no obligation with the lifts. They are though on day trips. She could just tell me what I want to hear but I've got no real viable option unless I uproot my daughter twice (and she's very sensitive).

Okay so I'm a nanny who completely believes in ERF. Many of the families I work for end up turning their children forward facing before I do. One thing I always do though, is check that their parents are happy with the car seats I am using and are happy with how I've fitted them etc... I like to keep clued up with the latest car seat safety advice so I wouldn't be turning a baby forward facing at 12 months for example.

However, I'm not sure how it stands with a childminder? You are using their business? And I guess so long as they are legally using the correct car seats and they are fitted properly then I'm not sure what you can do?
Will your child go in a buggy for them? I wouldn't normally recommend this but can your daughter watch some nursery rhymes or something on your phone to get her a bit happier in the buggy? Then ease her off it. Or snacks?

The other issue, the lying is not ok. Sometimes kids refuse to nap, I always always try my hardest but it's something you can't force. So they should be transparent with that and tell you. Who knows what else they've lied about?

Would a nanny be an option? You seem to expect s lot from a childminder who don’t forget is also looking after other children.

I am very much an ERF fan but you also have to be realistic as to what you can ask of a childminder. As long as they are using a legally appopriate seat you can’t really add much more.

You can’t expect them not to go on trips at half term.

The sleep thing could be as simple as thinking she had dropped off so updating the app when she had a chance and then her waking up in seconds like every toddler I have met has done at times!

Picking up from/taking to home is potentially troublesome as they could be classed as acting as a taxi service. Work on folding your child techniques per supernanny.

Not sure about insisting on erf.

Do you not want your daughter going out anywhere with the childminder? All childminders I know do trips out - they are expected to and the other parents using their services would expect this too.
Perhaps a nanny would be better for you. A nanny would be your employee so you can mutually discuss what you want and don't want.
The childminder runs a business that you and other families sign up to so you can't really dictate what seats they use, where they go etc.

The childminder didn't lie to you about the day trip, it was on Baby's Days.

The nap thing is incredibly petty, it could easily have just been a miscommunication.

I can't believe they are doing pick ups and drop offs because you won't strap your own child in!

If the rear facing thing is important to you then you need to sit down and have an adult chat about it - not start go ogling to prove them wrong . How about you drive your child to them and then fit the seat in their car?

smoggle the op didn't say they lied about the farm?

"Not keeping me informed of the trip" /"taking her out without telling me"
OP was informed, cm put it on Baby's Days.

Ofsted used to require childcare providers to gain specific consent for each individual outing. Then someone pointed out that, since they defined an outing along the lines of 'anytime they ave the main premises', this would mean parents would have to sign a slip for every school run, toddler group visit, etc and no way could they go on an impromptu walk to the Park.

So, the current regulations require providers to ensure parents are made awareness of "the range and type of activities and experience provided". That is the usually done the first time parents meet the CM, at the initial enquiry stage.

Iow, there is no need for the CM to be constantly informing parents where they are and what they are doing. All that is needed is an end-ofday chat and a look at Babydays.

I’ve read your op, but it’s quite long, so could you summarise please?

I think your problem is basically that you want the cm to collect your child as you can’t get them in a car seat? But they don’t want to (for whatever reason) to use your rear facing car seat?

As a cm, if a child didn’t want to get into their car seat and I need them to be in it, I would just put them in it and strap them in, I have no idea what the method is called, someone referred to ‘folding your child’ which could be it? The same if they don’t want to be in the buggy. So your minder might not have the same issues as she has lots of experience of this and don’t forget, child may well be better behaved for someone else than with you so the struggle may be less.

My parents agree to outings at the beginning of the contract and tbh, if they said I wasn’t to take them out, I would be declining the work. It’s really important part of what I do- taking children out and interacting with others and the community and I wouldn’t be staying in for one child.

It does sound like you don’t trust the minder though, so it might be better to find another childcare option that suits you better.

I don't get it....so your child would rear face with you but hates it so much you cant actually get her in the car and if you do manage to she struggles so much you think she's going to be hurt but your cm can get her into a seat (al be it forward facing) where she's presumably safer than no seat at all. Or are they supposed to fight with her for half an hour and achieve something you cant? Maybe if you persisted with your child and got her to realise who is in charge there would no longer be a problem?? Do you never use the car for any other journeys as surely she would be just as unsafe writhing about and hurting her neck rear facing going to town with you as to the childminders? If your seat is adjusted tight enough she couldn't writhe around so presumably is at more risk from not being tightly held in your seat than being forward facing in a properly adjusted seat....maybe she doesn't like rear facing as it can make some have travel sickness?

the nap thing if its a one off could easily be a mix up oh may not have been there during the nap.

You want your CM to pick up your child from home because you can't get them into/to stay in their car seat?

That's slightly crazy tbh.

Also this...

I can tell she genuinely cares for her and even her partner said she is smitten

...is really weird.

I'm quite confused as to what is happening here. So you can't get your dd in her car seat, so they pick her up and drop her off? And you want them to do this, but using the seat that you can't get her in? I'm sort of amazed they agreed to this at all, so wondering if I've misunderstood?

Wha

Are you wanting a childminder to ask permission for every trip they take your child on? The whole point of childminders is there are out and about in the community. At DD’s nursery I consented to all trips when she started. It’s lovely to pick her up and for her to say today we went to the park, beach or other place.

Normally you sign a general consent to trips and outings upfront. I'm not sure you can insist on knowing details of each and every one on advance. As long as they use a weight/age appropriate seat, are operating within ratios and you are apparently willing for them to pick her up/drop off when it suits you, I don't think you can complain. You want them to use a seat which by your own admission your dd resists and may not be fully compatible with their vehicle. Inconsistencies in reporting and her wellbeing are separate issues which only you know if you can accept.

I don't understand how she could cut her neck if she was strapped in properly?

I am sorry but I have struggled to read and understand your post. I think I get it in that they are doing drop off and picks ups as you are unable to assert your authority over your own child and get them into a car seat. You can buy clips that attach to the seat belt to stop them escaping. I do find all children are happier in the car once they are forward facing. As a childminder I do not ask permission for any trips I take, it’s given at contract signing but parents are informed tomorrow we are going too...if they do not want the child to go then they have to find alternative childcare for that day and I still charge them.

I appreciate your comments and I'd not seen the alerts come through until I saw the latest one.

My safety concerns don't stop at ERF v forward-facing:

"Today I noticed that the car seat she was in didn't even have the head protection in the right place e. If she'd be in an accident she may as well be in a seatbelt."

I have also said that we appreciate they were doing us a favour with lifts and under no obligation. I also said that I had appreciated their help. My concerns came when I saw the headrest thing.

I also admitted that I fully recognise something has gone wrong with our parenting. I feel like a pretty shitty mum about that, don't worry, and we are working on ways to ensure this boundary is met.

(My concerns on WTF to do when you can't reason with a 22 month old is for another time...)

If you Google those straps and then look on forums you will see that they don't always work. My daughter is hypermobile and can practically dislocate her shoulders and contort. Even with my hands forcing her in she wriggles out when FULLY TIGHT of a 5-point harness. The childminder witnessed it and said that they've never seen a child be able to wriggle out of such a secure fastening before.

The issues started on the way back from the childminders as she obviously wanted some 'us' time and now happen in the mornings if going there, not on others. Unless overly tired they don't happen elsewhere.

This post wasn't about my bad parenting and how I can regain authority, etc. It was about whether I was right to be concerned.

I do fully appreciate that my childminder has other kids to look after. She has done an amazing job with my little girl, who has really blossomed. They have also gone out of their way to help .

I just feel very uneasy about the car seat headrest issue and the gate. I had intended to raise this the other day but another parent was there, so going to speak to her about it.

I also accept that a forward-facing car may be a better option risk-assessment wise.

Oh and the car seat was provided when the lifts were a convenience favour, then we started dropped her again after realising couldn't ERF, and then the issues started. Obviously didn't expect them to put her in a car seat we can't get her in!

I'll have a good chat with her about the safety concerns. They both really are lovely people and my daughter has established a very secure attachment to them both.

I have read this over and over and still can't work out what your actual problem is.

The seat? The childminder? The child?

Can you summarise, perhaps take out the bumph and stick it in bullet points? Your posts are huge and jumbled.

Look, if you think the car seat they're using is actively unsafe/inadequate then you have to say so to them. BUT if you insist on essentially the same seat as you have - rear facing with whatever safety harness you're finding doesn't work for you then they're going to have the same issue as you getting her in it.

Your options
a) let them use a less ideal seat (though clearly it has to be legal and adequate), ie a forward facing one, that she will actually accept
b) expect them to shout at, physically force her, or otherwise do all the things you're not prepared to do. It is likely they'll refuse to do it this, for exactly the same reason as you don't do it (except it's worse go them as they'd be doing it while looking after other children)
c) tell them she can't go in the car. As pp have said, this might be the end of the arrangement altogether - it would be for our childminder as she wouldn't agree to not being able to take any of the kids on trips out, which is what you're asking for

If you don't think they're keeping your child safe then you can't leave her there. But if your definition of keeping her safe is them doing things you can't or won't then you might find that this is a big problem in finding alternative care. You're not going to find many childminders who would pick up and drop off to avoid you having issues with the car - mine is lovely but would think I'd gone mad if I suggested this

Can you get in touch with in car safety and see if they can recommend a seat for a hypermobile child? They rent out seats for kids with additional needs so they might be abke to help with the seat issue

The issue is yours, not the childminders.
Your child won't go in a car seat safely, you're going to have to move them to a childcare setting where they don't go out in the car.
You said your child is the same in a buggy so your only option really is to use a nursery.

I'd be very surprised if you can find a childminder or nanny who would agree to not going out with our child. So you have 2 options: either teach your child to keep their straps on or pay for a nursery to look after them.

What does the childminder do to get her to stay in the car seat? Is she firm with her? What's different to your technique?

mschook I think - though the OP is a bit confusing - the childminder is using a forward facing seat which OP doesn't think is safe enough but the childminder presumably has found the child will go in