Looking after a 5 year old child

[Mitch532]

I've recently had my aunt pass away about 5 months ago, which still haunts me to this day. We were very close, and I had the pleasure in being with her before she had passed. Everyday she would get weaker and weaker, the hardest part would be my nephew (her son) seeing her the way he did. I took time off to spend with her before she had passed just so I had no regrets because I had said goodbye.

Fast forward to the point .. a month later I had my aunts sister drop off the nephew asking for me to look after him. Now .. baring in mind that I work full time, I have health issues at the moment so I have trouble sleeping and I've already got a lot of stuff going on in my life already so I'm not in a position to take care of him. But my aunts selfish sister doesn't think about anyone else but herself, I didn't want to keep going back and forth so I had taken him in; not knowing that I could be taking on a huge responsibility.

So, months go by I get help from my mother and sister to baby sit him while I am at work, which helps me a lot and I know he is being looked after. But now it's all going down hill my sister has fallen ill and my mum works 12-14 hour shifts so she can no longer take care of him.

I have an uncle that reached out to me by email, he is on that travels and works in the US but also has a house in the UK. He is set to come to the UK to stay and he said he would step up to take care of my nephew, which ideally would work well for me if he could. I'd rather him take care of my nephew then handing him into the social services. My uncle said he would be down in the next 3-4 weeks to take him off of my hands, I've had thoughts of handing him over to the social services but because of my uncle coming down I want to just wait to see if he lives up to his word.

I've had conversations with the social services to see what my options would be if I were thinking of giving him up because of it being too much. The options that they had for me was:

1. Talk to Human Resources to see if they could offer some sort of leave just until my uncle returns to the UK to take my nephew

1. Putting him into the system

1. Arrange baby sitting for him while being at work

1. Speaking with the council about putting him into school

Here is where things get difficult now. I am working full time and my job doesn't involve me working from home at the moment. I have been working from home on the days when my mother or sister cannot take care of him. Work is starting to come down on me now for working from home so here is where it all gets difficult for me.

I am just seeking advice really any advice would be much appreciated. I am in a very hard situation and I am stressing out at the moment, I thought that I could hold it together not only for myself but for him; he cries a lot asking for his mum which instantly makes me freeze up wondering what to say next.

I'd say the best thing would be for you to ask SS to have him fostered, hopefully short term. Foster parents are experienced, trained, and ready to support a traumatised child. You aren't, not only that but you've got health problems yourself, and a full time job that you could risk losing. It's probably the best thing for everyone, before the whole house of cards collapses. You could keep contact with him and visit, I'm sure.

None of this makes much sense... if it’s your aunt then her child isn’t your nephew, he’s your cousin. Are you the person named as his legal guardian? There must be a legal guardian if his mother has passed away. Where is his father? A child cannot just be passed around various family members like a dog! If he’s 5 why isn’t he already in school??

Linking to thread I posted for M earlier:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/3521553-Child-with-no-parents-left-with-young-uncle?pg=1&order=

Poor kid.
Have you got some sort of Guardianship? Who's claiming child benefits / tax credits for him?

I agree with other posters get him enrolled in school / nursery.

Talk to Cruise about what they advise for bereavement counselling for him.
Citizens Advice should be able to tell you what guardian's allowance you're entitled to, and whether your work is obliged to give you compassionate leave while this situation is sorted out, or at least until your uncle gets here and can help.

His father isn’t around and I do not know what happened to him unfortunately. And I meant to say cousin not my nephew so thank you for correcting me. He was in school till he was dropped off to me. While I’ve been looking after him it’s been my mother and sister looking after him while I’m at work.

@singlenotsingle

Thank you for your post

The thing is that I am sort of depending on that my uncle would take him in a few weeks. I was seeking the route of fostering him if I had no choice and my uncle not living up to his word. If he doesn’t live up to his word then I will most definitely get in touch with the SS again to see if he could be fostered, because I am most definitely not in the position to take care of him.

d say the best thing would be for you to ask SS to have him fostered, hopefully short term. Foster parents are experienced, trained, and ready to support a traumatised child. You aren't, not only that but you've got health problems yourself, and a full time job that you could risk losing. It's probably the best thing for everyone, before the whole house of cards collapses. You could keep contact with him and visit, I'm sure.

@Edthebear

Thank you for your post

At the moment there isn’t no claiming benefits I haven’t really organised anything like that I’ve been using my own finances to take care of him. Now .. I am really finding it hard financially to be looking after him, so claiming benefits will have to be sorted out for sure.

@Tarvannach

Thank you for your post

I had contacted citizens advice before but what you talk of didn’t come up, but that will also be my lack of experience with all of this, not asking the right questions. Thank you for your advice and I will definitely ask them and more advice on what I can do.

Please will everyone ignore the part where I said “my nephew” I meant my cousin, thanks Amy for correcting me. I see him more than a cousin though to be honest, I am very close with him.

I would contact social services explain what you have told us and request temporary foster care for your cousin. This can be done on a voluntary basis and doesn't need a court process at first.
Social care can then check out that your uncle is fit and able to care for your cousin when he appears.
Foster carers are trained and funded to do the job they do. Social care also have access to other mental health support for the dc.

Make it clear that you want to keep contact with the dc but you aren't able to care for them due to illness and work.

So was his mother your mother's sister? How come he went to you rather than her? And are there any grandparents who could help out?

Also, I think your local Social Services should be helping. Do they fully understand the situation?

SS and the local authority should have arranged payment to you and will also pay for any childcare arrangements or amendments to your current situation. I know this because my friend is in exactly the same situation.

Something doesn't add up here, especially as he's not in school

I saw your colleagues other thread, and commented that the children's centre was the best place to start.

Having read your updated thread, you need to contact Social Services, who have a dedicated Looked After Child department who can advise you on what to do.

Does he know your uncle? Does he want to go to him? It may not necessarily be the best move for him, you will need proper advice from social services, they can do all the relevant assessments. I feel for you, it's a tragic situation for you both. Please also reach out to bereavement charities, if only to find out how to best respond to your cousin when he's crying for his mum :(

I’m so sorry about this awful situation and hats off to you for doing all you can. There should surely be a whole plan in place for you, discussions and support. It’s appalling that you’ve both been left like this.

What do you want to aim for or is that too difficult to see right now ?

Also I know you’ve been sent from pillar to post but I think you should put this on another topic for traffic. The adoption board? Or even chat just to get numbers seeing it. You can ask @MNHQ to do that.

I suspect you need to go to Social Services and threaten to hand the child to them. That may force them to get their act together. But I have no experience here. I’m just appalled on your behalf and on behalf of the boy.

One thing to remember is as well as grieving the boy has already been passed around family members. Its unfair to keep passing him round and will lead to him never feeling settled. Ideally his next move should be to his forever home.

Are you able to provide a forever home? Are you entitled to adoption leave?

Get SW and school involved and come up with proper plan for this kid. At 5 he's just young enough to find an adoptive family but much older and he'll struggling.

It doesn't sound like you have any connection with, or empathy for this child who has lost his mum and his homes and routine and friends from school etc

This poor child needs stability, quickly.

You either commit 100% to him forever or you contact SS ASAP who will be able to find trained foster carers to meet his needs long term and provide him with stability.

Stop passing him around

youaremyrain I’m not sure you could have been less helpful. The OP is after help, having been signposted here by a colleague who is on MN. He’s a young man in an extraordinary situation. Our job is to offer guidance where we can. Or say nothing.

@rightreckoner I am offering advice, the best thing for the long term benefit of the child is to secure stability!

Have you heard of developmental trauma? Attachment disorder? I'm an adoptive parent and I absolutely know that the best interests of this child will not be met until he has stability and security. The longer he is passed around, the more changes he has in terms of house/school/family/carers the poorer his life outcomes will be.

I don't understand who has legal responsibility for this child at the moment. It sounds like your aunt was unwell and so I assume she thought about this situation and agreed with someone who would be the child's legal guardian if she was to die. If that person is no longer able to look after the child, surely they're the one who needs to look into other possibilities?

Yes I have heard of all of those issues and I quite agree this child needs help. But this man has come here to get help, all at sea, and you tell him he has no empathy. I’m only really replying to bump the thread in the hope of some help for the OP beyond ‘you have no empathy’

I said "it doesn't sound like" they have any empathy, which it doesn't.

I'm not judging them for that, I'm saying what is best for the child.