Looking after a 5 year old child

[Mitch532]

I've recently had my aunt pass away about 5 months ago, which still haunts me to this day. We were very close, and I had the pleasure in being with her before she had passed. Everyday she would get weaker and weaker, the hardest part would be my nephew (her son) seeing her the way he did. I took time off to spend with her before she had passed just so I had no regrets because I had said goodbye.

Fast forward to the point .. a month later I had my aunts sister drop off the nephew asking for me to look after him. Now .. baring in mind that I work full time, I have health issues at the moment so I have trouble sleeping and I've already got a lot of stuff going on in my life already so I'm not in a position to take care of him. But my aunts selfish sister doesn't think about anyone else but herself, I didn't want to keep going back and forth so I had taken him in; not knowing that I could be taking on a huge responsibility.

So, months go by I get help from my mother and sister to baby sit him while I am at work, which helps me a lot and I know he is being looked after. But now it's all going down hill my sister has fallen ill and my mum works 12-14 hour shifts so she can no longer take care of him.

I have an uncle that reached out to me by email, he is on that travels and works in the US but also has a house in the UK. He is set to come to the UK to stay and he said he would step up to take care of my nephew, which ideally would work well for me if he could. I'd rather him take care of my nephew then handing him into the social services. My uncle said he would be down in the next 3-4 weeks to take him off of my hands, I've had thoughts of handing him over to the social services but because of my uncle coming down I want to just wait to see if he lives up to his word.

I've had conversations with the social services to see what my options would be if I were thinking of giving him up because of it being too much. The options that they had for me was:

1. Talk to Human Resources to see if they could offer some sort of leave just until my uncle returns to the UK to take my nephew

1. Putting him into the system

1. Arrange baby sitting for him while being at work

1. Speaking with the council about putting him into school

Here is where things get difficult now. I am working full time and my job doesn't involve me working from home at the moment. I have been working from home on the days when my mother or sister cannot take care of him. Work is starting to come down on me now for working from home so here is where it all gets difficult for me.

I am just seeking advice really any advice would be much appreciated. I am in a very hard situation and I am stressing out at the moment, I thought that I could hold it together not only for myself but for him; he cries a lot asking for his mum which instantly makes me freeze up wondering what to say next.

youaremyrain that's what I said in my previous post. The best thing for this poor child would be professionally trained foster parents ATM. It's not that OP has no empathy. He does. He's doing his best but he just isn't in the best place to look after a 5yo.

Someone must be named as guardian surely? Who is that person?

Do you want to care for him if you could logistically do it? Childcare, get him registered in school etc?

Wow, on the off chance that this thread is true, this child is being failed massively. Not your fault op but his mum died, his dad is nowhere to be seen, his aunts don't want him and you are trying your best but can't look after him properly. Meanwhile, he's not in school and is being shoved from pillar to post. Does he even know this uncle who has stepped forward? Please get SS involved, get him in school and give him the chance to get settled and start grieving.

I don't understand why he isn't in school; that should be a top priority. Ideally the same one he was at before.

@dreichuplands

Thank you for your response

I think I will have to contact the SS now for temporary fostering because my work has rejected my request to take time off till the 21st. I think it would be wise to have my uncle checked out around whether he is fit to be the full-time guardian or would it be more sensible to hand my cousin over to someone far more suitable.

The only problem that I had was if I give him up I would feel like I am failing him as a person who promised him I would look after him. Although it is really hard with the situation I am faced with at the moment I also find it really hard to let him go especially to a family that I do not know personally.

But you are most definitely right it would be what's best for my cousin and I need to do what's best for him.

Thank you for the advice I do appreciate it. :)

@fairybeagle

Yes, that is right. I am not too sure to be quite honest with you. My mother is helping out but with her working far too much she is unable to look after him neither. As for the grandparents, there isn't any because of them passing a few years ago.

@All

Thank you all for responding to me with all of your advice I appreciate each and every one of you in taking the time out of your day to help.

I will be contacting the SS from here to have a more in-depth conversation, I will not be flanked off this time and If it sounds like I am being flanked off I will escalate it till I get the help I need.

Thank you all again!

Mitch

Who is his legal guardian? They can sign a section 20, tell SS that's what is happening

Have you called SS yet?
Have you been in touch with any schools?
Could you use after school or breakfast clubs to help?

Are you claiming benefits for him?

You say temporary foster care, what are you thinking long term? Maybe long term foster is his best option.

I think short term foster care until your uncle arrives followed by moving to the uncle (have they met? Do they have a relationship?) will be more traumatic, especially if the uncle ends up not coping.

Surely if this uncle is committed to the child he can come over now instead of the 21st and take over?

Is the Uncle absoultely certain he can offer a permanent home?

Moving traumatised kids around from place to place just adds to their trauma. Where am I going next? Makes it harder and harder to settle and bond with the adults who are meant to be caring for them.

He's lost his mum, one aunt has moved him to you. He's had 3 homes and still not in a forever home.
He's got potential of a foster home and then to your Uncle. Poor kid.

If you are becoming the child’s legal guardian I’m fairly certain your work can’t stop you taking parental leave to sort this mess out.

If you aren’t becoming the legal guardian is your uncle? Is there a long term plan for this child?

I should say if you cannot keep him with blood relatives in a stable way please do have SS sort fostering and adoption for this child. I know several foster and adoptive parents. Their children are very much loved and wanted. In these sorts of circumstances relationships with blood relatives are maintained and encouraged. You won’t be failing the child to admit that no one in the immediate family isn’t able to step up into a parental role right now.

I'm confused too. You can't just take on the child, can you? Surely SS would need to be involved to do some paperwork to appoint you as the de facto parent.
The family can't just hand the kid round between themselves! It's not fair on the boy, who should be in school any way.

And where is the school? Why hasn't the school enquired about this child who has seemingly dropped out of the system?

OP, if you could afford childcare, would you want to keep the boy? Or do you not want him in any circumstances?

I meant to add, I don't think you can legally just decide to give the boy to his uncle, He (and you for that matter) would need all kinds of checks before being made the child's guardian. It's really not up to you OP to decide who the kid lives with. You need to contact SS for advice urgently.

If you were eligible for enough benefits/allowances to pay for after school care, would you keep him on?

This is all very odd. The boy should be in school and SS should be fully aware of what is going on, and support all the decisions made regarding this boy’s care.

Can your GP sign you off work? Can you have some compassionate leave off work?

Ask yourself what you want to do?

If you want him but your financial circumstances are stopping that will SS support you in some way and top up with benefits so that you can reduce or give up work?

Why has social services not been involved with your cousin already. As a pp said it sounds like your aunt was ill for a while so surely they would have been involved or provisions made if the worst should happen (which it did unfortunately). The poor child can't keep being passed around and please don't freeze up when he gets upset and wants his mum. Cuddle him and reassure him everything will be ok. Why hasn't he been enrolled in school yet? How long have you had him 1 month or 4? From the OP it sounds like 4.

When he cries about his mum you need to empathise with him, acknowledge his sadness and say you understand and that you're there for him etc maybe look at photos of her together

Op have you managed to get any support?