Childminder, please help! What did she mean by this?

[BlueberrySea]

I'm looking for some insight from any childminders who might be able to give me a steer on this...

My DD (just turned one) started with a CM this week - Monday and Tuesday mornings. She will be going three days a week. CM is very experienced, Ofsted outstanding at 2 last inspections, and I think very nice.

DD was upset both mornings - to be expected - but when I collected her on Tuesday, CM said 'she was crying on and off, but it was just crocodile tears, so I just ignored and she got the message'.

Is this really as bad as it sounds, or am I reading too much into it? Did she actually mean - she was sad but no tears, so I just carried on as normal and distracted her?

For context - very anxious first time mum, 13 months Mat Leave, we practice gentle parenting. I am finding the transition back to work and DD into childcare very difficult! I don't want to alienate CM but am quite worried about this.

Thank you x

I wouldn't like it. It sounds very insensitive. Obviously a CM with other children can't go to a child every single time they cry....but to say that to the child's Mother seems a bit crass.

I would personally look for someone with more of a gentle approach. 1 year olds don't do "crocodile tears" ffs. They're babies! They don't fake cry.

I'm surprised she has an Ofsted outstanding rating. Speak to her about how you parent. Her response will tell you whether or not you need to look for another childminder.

My instinct as a mum would be to bundle my child up and go and look for another childminder.
It may just be that her style of parenting is different but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a baby with her if that was her way of dealing with a little one being distressed. It's not as if a one year is old is old enough to be reasoned with. They just need reassurance!

She doesn't sound very empathetic. I'd look for someone else.

That’s awful.

I’d look for someone else and tell her why. That’s very cold and odd behaviour for a CM.

I would read crocodile tears as meaning crying insincerely, ie trying it on. So the childminder said she basically ignored the crying and your child 'got the message'. I wouldn't be happy with that.

What is the message? That your baby cannot expect comfort when she is upset?

Give it some time. I work in a nursery and certain children are very upset at drop off. We comfort them and then later it's almost like they remember they are meant to be upset. So they have a little moan and whinge. There's nothing wrong with them, we just distract them again. Definitely give your child longer to get used to it, especially if CM is experienced and highly rated by Ofsted.

Everyone is here so bloody precious.

Kids get upset away from their parents the first time. They all cry at drop off and will continue crying and whinging when they remember that mum isn't there. If you fawn over them, it encourages the crying because they get more attention. So yes, you leave them to it and carry on showing them books, playing with toys with them without drawing attention to the tears. They get over it and settle in.

Nope. I'd be gone. If she said she was upset but I distracted her with toys then fine. "Getting the message" is odd and cold. Trust your gut not a piece of paper, not people on the internet.

You need to ask her what she meant! What does she do when your child cries. She will be well used to this settling in period so not in the least phased by it. She won't her comfort like you do. Your child is now one of a group and all their needs have to be balanced but I very much doubt she is totally ignoring an upset child.

Children usually settle very quickly with a childminder so don't worry too much. I'd think within 3-4 days she won't be upset while she's there even if she still cries at drop off for a while.

You know, she's probably picked up on your anxiety, and is trying to make it easier for you to deal with. Children pick up on our anxiety subconsciously, and it will unnerve DD.
The first few weeks are incredibly hard for all of you. Just give it time. Your DD is growing and changing and learning all the time- going to daycare is just something else she's going to master.
I'm sure Childminder meant she'd ignored the tears not your DD!

I would have taken her comments to mean ‘dd started to get a bit upset a few times but I was jolly & distracted her’? Surely if you dd was upset & CM ignored her then she would have ended up hysterical rather than ‘getting the message’?

But if your gut feeling is that CM is a bit cold or won’t do things the way you would like them then obviously that is more of a concern.

Good luck with the back to work

MrsFL Really? You got "I was jolly and distracted her" from

I just ignored and she got the message'

CM could have worded it so much better, not a great way to communicate with parents.

If you are happy with everything else and get the impression she's very nice I would give it a bit longer but I do think her comments come across that she's cold and insensitive.

I have a new child this week who has cried a couple of times. She didn't really have anything to cry about (apart from being away from Mum in a new place obviously), so I gave her her comfort blanket and sat beside her to distract her with toys. She was soon happy again. Only you can gauge the situation your child is in. We could all speculate on here, but can't all be right.

I would take it to mean the childminder felt she wasn't really upset, so ignored the crying and she stopped.

I think you need to have a conversation with the childminder about your/her approaches and expectations though.

moredoll - why would you be surprised she's outstanding? Ofsted don't quiz childminders about their 'parenting style'. They look at teaching and learning, children's progress, paperwork. Plenty of outstanding childminders aren't 'gentle parents' or whatever.

you need to go back and say I've been thinking about what you said can you explain, I sometimes ignore a child's cry when I can see what its about, as in I don't draw attention to the tears but we have a game, read a book etc. For some children say oh dear what's the matter, mums back soon or anything similar results in full blown upset. You could say I'm ignoring the crying but I'm not ignoring the child and I will still cuddle etc as reassurance but then I would without tears too.

I wouldn’t be impressed with that. She sounds a no nonsense type but I would be worried she was too harsh.

I am a childminder and I don't like this. Your child is very young and needs comfort to settle in. Crocodile tears or not. I would explain how you parent to the childminder and see how she reacts.

Thanks all - these are all really good replies which help me to see this from a different perspective.

I am keen to build a good relationship with CM and don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Do I risk causing offence if I probe this in more detail? I don't want to be THAT mum, but I also feel strongly that I want DD to have comfort and attention when she is upset.

Any CMs with a view on me going back and talking about it in more depth? Would that be ok or do I risk a relationship that will be very important in our lives?

I don’t like the term crocodile tears anyway. How can anyone be sure?

Don't ever ever worry about being THAT mum. That's just internet talk. Always put your child's happiness and safety first.
Talk to the childminder again.

If your child was older it would have different meaning. But your daughter is ONE ffs. Do one year old's even know how to do crocodile tears?! I wouldn't like it. It comes across quite cold. My DD was 16 months when she went to the childminder & she cried every single drop off for 2 weeks. Not once did my CM play down what DD was feeling. Distraction, yes. Ignoring so your child 'gets the message'? Sounds like the message is 'stop crying, you're on your own'

Ignoring the crying isn't necessarily ignoring the child. I wouldn't be happy if she had literally ignored the child, but she might well just have meant she ignored the crying and distracted the child. Clarify.

I've never run across a childcare practitioner who would have literally ignored the child, but generally they would have been like "oh look DC! A lovely birdy! Would you like a snack?" rather than making any reference to the crying.