we had to sack our nanny!

[SindyW]

Hi everybody. This is my first post (sorry long). I am hoping to get some advice on hiring a new nanny as we sacked ours today. I was a SAHM for 12 years have 4 lovely daughters aged 14, 12, 10 and 8. The 10 year old is severely autistic. All are home educated. They are lovely, polite and well behaved girls (apart from the usual problems with the autistic child who is quite demanding). Our nanny had been with us for 18 months and I thought everthing was fine till last night. I work away from home most of the time, spend a quarter of my time abroad but my husband is off work on long term sick so is around most of the time. Until recently, nanny had sole care of children 8am - 5pm but the last few months my husband has been renovating a house so we can move and has been away as well for 3 days a week. The nanny had to work 4 days, 3 nights. She had her own room and bathroom. On her days off she stays with friends in London. Yesterday evening we rang the children and asked in passing what they had eaten. It turned out after much stalling that my youngest had cereal in the morning (made herself) and a frozen pizza in the evening, made by 12 year old. The nanny has been refusing to cook for them and only cooking for the disabled child. We came home last night and sacked the nanny this morning. I just cant believe that she didnt feed my children. I feel so angry and upset. I just couldnt even talk to her or look at her. We paid her until the end of the week and told her she had 2 weeks to remove her things. I just dont understand why the children didnt tell us. They are very upset at losing their nanny. How can you tell if your children are covering for a bad nanny?

I usually have help in after school (to help out whilst I'm getting tea ready, giving tea (ds1 needs full time 1:1 to eat), doing bath and getting to bed. Last night I had none, so the kids had gluten free pizza (frozen) because I literally couldn't manage to cook anything else and supervise the children properly.

I still don't get how this would work. newlife- the autistic child needing 2 people out and about and running off sounds very true (& does sound like severe autism)- that's also why I can't see how this would work- I have an army that come into help me out (paid for by social services- I employ 5 people currently) & mine are at school

I'm trying not too be shocked at this thread.

I am a mother of three, and have in the past worked as a nanny.

There is no way I could have single handedly done the job you reqired your nanny to do. Please tell me you have a cleaner, and didn't require her to clean as well.

Realistically I think you at least need a tutor and an au-pair.

I wish you every luck in finding a new nanny, but sugest you reconsider the job role before hiring.

I am interested in why you home educate your children. What was the thinking behind your decision?

Do you get direct payments btw? That's how I employ my helpers. I have 2 who come in a run an after school programme with ds1, 1 who comes in to help me go swimming with ds1 and ds2 & also (along with another 1) comes in on school holidays so I can take the children out & 1 who has ds1 at her house so I can take the other 2 out. All paid for by direct payments. They won't pay for education so you would have to be careful when making your application, but I would have thought you could get some hours for help/respite.

I still dont get it...

you have a full time / all hours job

Your husband also has a full tiem job (though currnetly on sick leave)

so who is responsible for educating the children... cause clearly it cant be their parents (you and dh) cause you both work?

its also a mystery how anyone on sick leave is well enough to removate a house

also i think you expected way too much of this nanny

expecting a 14 year old to make dinner is not the end of the world.... when i was 14 (12 years ago) and both my parenst worked i almost daily produced a fully home cooked meal etc for myself my sister and parents... part of bringing children up is teaching them to look after themselves

im assuming you are not expecting to replace your nanny cause i think you will find it very hard / impossible

£250nett per week when you expect someone to work 24/3 + is an insultingly low wage.... i doubt you will find anyone to work fo 250 nett with 4 children including 1 SN

My sympathys are with your nanny.... but then perhaps she is a bit silly herself letting you treat her like this

Also shocked at this thread.

I employ people in my business, but not a nanny. I have had to sack a person before, but it is important to find out what is going on before sacking someone. If they have done something really heinous, then it is usual practice to suspend them while you investigate.

There is one thing I really don't understand: if your dh is off sick, then why did he have to go away for 3 days?

Did your nanny really have the opportunity to talk to you? If you are abroad 25% of the time, and work 80 hours a week from a place 100 miles away, when are you at home? I understand that it is important to have someone providing proper care for your children. But it does seem to me that in your circumstances, you do need more than one person. Also, in light of your work commitments and your dh's health, I really don't understand your decision to home educate, without employing a tutor. My own experience of running a business is that it takes over your life, and you simply don't have time for anything else. Whilst I understand your concern for your children's welfare, I do feel for your nanny, too.

And I do wonder if you are trying to cope with too much, Sindy, and maybe over-reacting because of your own stress levels? Is this post also a yell for help because you're drowning under everything you have to deal with? Other posters have suggested ways of getting extra support, especially for your SN child - please explore them. Even with a nanny, I would struggle to cope with running a business, 4 children, 1 of whom is SN, a sick husband, and a home being renovated around me.

not to mention someone who sounds like was also home educating your children as well as looking after them 24/3.

that in itself can't come come cheap.

You abused her and she sank under the pressure.

Simple as.

have just sat and read thread and i am really shocked by this.

poor,poor woman.you were asking far too much.it is really shocking that you thought this was acceptable.

i do actually think this is a wind up tho.surely a severely autistic child needs 1-2-1 care?

if you are genuine, i would just like to say to you,if anyone has been neglectful it is you.truly shocked by this.

SO let me get this straight. You and your husbad in ONE house, that he is redecorating and you are working from. And the nanny and the 4 kids, one of whom is SN and cant leave the house without 2 helpers, stuck in another house?

If this nanny had any sense she would report you and your partner to social services for serious neglect of your children.

This situation wasn't ideal and only temporary, until we move. My husband is going back to work 3 days a week on a job share. i applied for help from social services about 3 years ago. they assessed us while i was still a SAHM and said we needed 2 cares a day, 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. unfortunately they have no money so it never happened.

SS aren't allowed to say "you need x amount of help but we have no money". If they say "you need x amount of help" and you say "great I'll have direct payments please" they have to give it to you. Yes they often say they don't have money, but if you reply with the law then they usually find that they do have the money after all. The difficult bit is getting them to say you need help in the first place- it sounds like you've crossed that hurdle already.

I've written about it here, not much in my piece, but the direct payments link is really useful. Read the parents/carers guide and the local authority guide it has all the info you need.

weird something wrong with the link try again

The original issue Sindy had, seemed to be with the nanny not feeing the children. I would expect home educated children, even more than others, to have learned basic kitchen skills to be able to prepare a meal, by the age of 12.

I had one of those mothers who did everything for me, but I would cook for myself several times a week by the age of 14, due to my mother working, and tought nothing of it.

Learning food preparation is an essintial life skill.

If you work full time and your husband is working 3 days - who home ed's the children??

As you have 2 houses I assume money is not a problem, you could hire the help needed yourself.

if you are not able to educate your children,which you are clearly not as you are not there,then they should be and are legally required to be,in school.i find your actions disgraceful.you are neglecting your children and imo social services should be involved for that very reason.

As Gess says, children with autism generally have trouble sleeping. The night-shifts with the OP's 4 children wouldn't be anything like a night-shift with 4 NT children of the same age. My ds2 (4yrs) is high-functioning but a typical night for us would often include ds2 being wide awake until at least 11pm, sometimes 1am. Once in bed he would wake up at least 2 or 3 times in the night and start roaming around the house. He doesn't need full 1:1 but I couldn't imagine expecting anyone else to sit up with him at night and then cope with a full day's work the following day.

re "if you are not able to educate your children,which you are clearly not as you are not there,then they should be and are legally required to be,in school.i find your actions disgraceful.you are neglecting your children and imo social services should be involved for that very reason.

TaylorsMummy - you might find it useful to have a look at the education otherwise website with regard to the legal requirements for home education.
There is nothing that states that the parents have to carry out the education themselves. They take full responsibility for the education of their children, but they do not necessarily have to be the ones physically providing that education.
I have briefly read this whole thread, and I think I am correct in that the ex-nanny was also an ex-primary school teacher?
So, these children were being educated by someone who has previously educated school children.
Why do you deem that unacceptable for home educated children?
I think it is unreasonable and hurtful to make statements about social services needing to be involved with this family.

sorry you misunderstood my post.i mean that social services should be involved because of the neglect.i do think this is neglectful.

if the parents are not there then there should be someone capbale there,surely? is one nanny really capable of educating 4 children,one of which is severely autistic?

I don't know.

I don't know the children, the nanny, or the parents.

I think that is a fairly important factor.

And one that means I wouldn't accuse someone of neglecting their children, or needing the involvement of social services.

A teacher is commonly responsible for the education of more than 4 children surely?

So has no teacher ever had a severely autistic child?

it's irresponsible imo to home educate your children when you can't even be bothered to get the correct person to do it or do it yourself.the op is not even in her home for the majority of the time so she doesn't know what's going on.the nanny is providing 24 hour care for 4 children,one of them severely autistic and can not even leave the house for £2 per hour.If that's not neglectful and irresponsible then i don't know what is