Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Adult siblings during school holidays

46 replies

Trivet · 08/08/2018 11:27

If you have a SAHM sibling who is able to take your dc for a week at a time during the school holidays, should you ask, or wait for them to offer?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

roundsquareround · 08/08/2018 11:33

You sound like a CF and you shouldn't expect anything. Your children sort out your own childcare!!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 08/08/2018 11:34

I'm currently a SAHM, although about to go back to work.

I have a good enough relationship with my sister that I wouldn't be offended if she asked.

I do think it needs to be approached carefully though. My experience being a SAHM is that other parents can think you've got nothing better to do than take on extra dc and it's no big deal. Someone being at home doesn't make them a sure thing for childcare.

Original poster

Trivet · 08/08/2018 11:56

There's a difference, surely, between someone assuming you're available for childcare and a family member asking for help?

And how is the SAHM sibling supposed to know you need childcare if you don't ask?

OP posts:

RiverTam · 08/08/2018 11:59

When I was a SAHM my full time working DSis would ask - but never for a week! A day here and there. Which was absolutely fine as I know she will always help me out if I need it.

ourkidmolly · 08/08/2018 12:00

A week at a time!
I think you need to rethink your expectations and ask for a day to start with.

presentcontinuous · 08/08/2018 12:01

Depends on your relationship and if childcare is reciprocated, but IME assuming someone is ok to look after your kids FT for free while you work is dangerous territory.

Ask nicely and be prepared for a no, and if it's yes, contribute at least to costs.

itsaboojum · 08/08/2018 13:12

Asking the question is a perfectly reasonable think for a mature adult to do.

It’s only cheeky if you assume they will respond positively, you get the hump when they decline.

NerrSnerr · 08/08/2018 13:16

It's ok to ask but it's not ok to assume as they might want to spend time with just their children/ have plans with them.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 08/08/2018 13:18

Can you suggest the opportunity to have each other's dc at convenient times? They could have yours for work hours and you could offer an overnight /night away opportunity to them?
Not cfuckery to aid your siblings /ask for help imo.
Not the same but my nearly adult ds does some childcare in return for lifts /cash incentives! It's called mucking in as a family imo.

Knittedfairies · 08/08/2018 13:24

‘Able’ to take them a week at a time? If you need childcare, you need to ask. Why should you assume your SAHM has nothing planned?

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 13:31

What do you do to help you SAHM sibling op?

Do you have her dc for weeks at a time to give her a break?

If you don't, then don't expect it of her. She is probably knackered enough looking after her own dc without yours as well. Most you should even consider asking is a day (and yes you do sound like a total CF)

rookiemere · 08/08/2018 13:35

Feel free to ask but for a day or two not weeks. Presumably SAHM has her own DCs to look after

RiverTam · 08/08/2018 13:38

Actually it’s easier for me to have DN as well as DD as they entertain each other, so it gives me a break! Agree that families help each other out if they can, in RL at any rate, if not on MN.

Japonicaisstillahorsygirl · 08/08/2018 13:42

Bear in mind there is the cost of lunches and outings. You sister may be planning to take her children out- would they all fit in the car etc

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 08/08/2018 13:47

And how is the SAHM sibling supposed to know you need childcare if you don't ask?

I'm guessing the sibling assumes the working sibling has arranged holiday childcare months in advance like everyone else? Is that not the case?

Like I said, I would have done this for my sister. But the way you're phrasing things sounds just a touch like you think your sibling is being a dick for not offering.

Original poster

Trivet · 08/08/2018 14:26

But the way you're phrasing things sounds just a touch like you think your sibling is being a dick for not offering.

I'm actually trying to be completely neutral. I think both parties may be being dicks because I suspect the SAHM is waiting to be asked, while the WOHM is waiting to be offered. The week at a time is because they live too far apart for a day here and there.

OP posts:

OrdinarySnowflake · 08/08/2018 14:31

The WOHM might not actually need childcare though, it might be nice to get a week they don't need to pay for it, but that's not the same as not being able to afford care or not being able to find someone.

If the SAHM is happy to have their DN(s) for a week, they should offer, but at this point, WOHM has probably already booked care, and will have to pay something even if it's not used.

OrdinarySnowflake · 08/08/2018 14:34

Another thought, it can be hard work and limiting to have someone else's child for a week (from what you've said, it wouldn't just be for the work day, but stay over for a week).

If you felt your working sibling needed care/had their plans fall through or really couldn't afford it, then you might agree to help them out, but that if they don't need the care (just would like a cheaper week), then not offer.

Stepstepmother · 08/08/2018 14:36

So by a week at a time you mean overnights too? That's a big ask.

SAHM's are SAHM's to take care of their own children, not to provide free childcare for everyone elses. They have often made sacrifices to be able to SAH.

You can ask, but they would not be unreasonable to say no.

Ellapaella · 08/08/2018 14:37

I would look after my sisters kids anytime she asked me - if she worked I would actually offer. She is the SAHM though and I'm the one who works and we live 280 miles apart so for obvious reasons it hasn't happened. She has said to me before that if we were nearer she'd happily look after mine in the holidays.
Is it much cheekier than expecting parents to do it? (I'm saying this as someone who pays for their childcare and has never relied on relatives to do any of it btw before my post gets quoted with sarcy reply).

titchy · 08/08/2018 14:41

I think both parties may be being dicks because I suspect the SAHM is waiting to be asked, while the WOHM is waiting to be offered.

Agree - sounds like they're both being dicks! But sahm more of a dick I think - she should offer if she's happy to do it. Wohm shouldn't assume she's happy to do it though which it sounds like.

ILoveMyDressingGown · 08/08/2018 14:46

I'm a teacher rather than a sahm but I am of course not working during the holidays. I'm only speaking for myself here of course but I hate being asked to provide childcare for my siblings' children and I never offer to do so. I'll agree for the occasional day but certainly not for a week or more at a time and definitely not for free. At least with my own children I can just rest on the settee as they're watching TV if I need to or I can pack them up in the car and go out for impromptu days out with no notice; you can't do that with other kids: for one thing, they physically won't fit in the car and for another, I can't afford to pay their entry or their food. I don't like feeling as though I'm being used or taken advantage of and the injustice stings when I have to pay for childcare when I need it as my siblings are unable/unwilling to provide it. So, in answer to your question, I think you ought to wait for it to be offered. Arrange proper childcare from a professional instead and pay for it.

Takfujimoto · 08/08/2018 14:47

I don't think the SAHM is any kind of sick for anticipating the question.

I think anyone who is waiting to be offered (free/subsidised) childcare is more of a dick than someone who just asks politely.
Tbh the overnights is CF to the extreme for me, not that I would offer or say yes to looking after any of my siblings children because they didn't find appropriate childcare and figured they chance it with me.

Notso · 08/08/2018 15:03

I'm a SAHM I would and have offered to have my sisters kids for a couple of nights.

I wouldn't necessarily ask to have my in-laws kids. I have done a lot of childcare for them and I often say to them I'm happy to help them out etc but I wait to be asked. Mostly to do with ages of the children in relation to my own.

NerrSnerr · 08/08/2018 15:10

A whole week including overnights is a big ask. I live away from family and when on maternity etc I would have never assumed anyone wanted to send their children to live with me for a week in the holidays.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.