CM Club - Advice Needed - how much do I let parent dictate what we do in MY house?

[looneytune]

Hi everyone

A lot of you know I have a 3 and half month old mindee 2 days a week and her mum pays me double so I provide more 1:1 care. She started at 8 weeks old and I soon could see why she wanted 1:1 care - baby needs constant attention and cries whenever you're not looking at her etc. Well over time she's been getting better as I have gradually stepped away a bit more at a time etc etc. Anyway, that's not really the point...........

I know I'm being paid for more 1:1 care BUT I have a ds who I can't ignore - he had many tears in the first few weeks and it broke my heart. The mum of baby always knew I may take on an after schooler but I said the most would be my ds (4), her baby and an after schooler therefore not being totally 1:1.

I now have another mindee who is 3 years old, Term Time only and only from 3-6pm each day. Mum was informed before took her on. I took her on mainly so ds had someone to play with whilst I'm busy with baby (as I've tried and tried everything to be able to deal with ds's needs aswell as baby's but pretty impossible at start!)

Well, my 3 year old is here today from 8-12 as a one off as her dad has an interview this morning.

Baby was dropped off at 9.30am and because had just woken up and hasn't been 100% this week (looks like a virus Dr said), mum was hushing the kids a lot. I started with 'ok, baby is a bit sleepy so lets try and be a bit quieter for a bit' and reminded them a couple of times but hey, there's a 4 year old boy and 3 year old excitable girl - kids make noise - end of! Baby's mum said to my mindee 'remember to be quiet' etc. and mindee looks a bit puzzled.

I REALLY like baby's family, nice people, respect me for a good job, pay well, pay on time etc etc. BUT I'm worried about what she thinks she's paying for. How on earth am I supposed to keep children this quiet? Should I be expected to? Baby gets 1:1 care from 9-12.30 Term Time then I have ds - mum knows I have ds and that she's paying to stop me getting another all day mindee.

Luckily it would usually only be baby as a mindee til 3pm but still, should I be expecting my own son to be quiet just because I'm being paid double???

I've always put mindees ahead of ds as I feel I have to make sure they are happy etc as being paid (i'm not horrible to ds btw ) BUT I just think it's really unfair to expect a 4 yr old boy to be quiet - it makes me wonder whether or not I should have this baby after all?

Should I speak to baby's mum about what is acceptable in terms of telling us how to be?

Does any of what I've said make sense? (sorry if not but I've got ds and mindee winding each other up - I can't think! )

Hiya looney does your Ds go to school in September........I am trying to find if there's a way that you can look at this eg from September he'll be at school so just try to ride with the situation til then?
I know how you feel, my 2 DS used to be pushed out sometimes by mindees. (This was resolved when I explained v carefully that I am paid to mind therefore that's how holidays and treats get funded)
But no, you cannot expect your DS to be quiet in his own home all the time, plus the baby has to learn that this is how it is at Looney's house. Sorry, rambling now

No, its January

Anyway, i also have to think of the 3 year olds needs to think about!

Someone else might be along in a bit with help for you looneytune.

It's not acceptable for her to think you can keep other children quiet your own ds or mindee (doesnt matter) carry on as you are and if she doesnt like it she knows what to do imo.

I assume she chose a cm rather than nursery, as it is a more home-y environment?? Plus, eventually the baby will benefit so much from having kids that age around... But, i think you should give the mum a break, she does not have the right to tell you what to do, but it must be breaking her heart to be leaving her lo. Truly, i would let it go for a bit, she will ease up, and i bet the baby will learn to sleep with more noise - the mum may thank you!!!

sounds like she is suffering from PFB syndrome and struggling as she has to leave baby. I'd just go with the flow and see how things settle - if in a couple of months she is still telling other what to do - address it then.

Thanks for comments, just a quick reply before I make lunch.

For those who haven't seen previous posts so don't know, I've been VERY much working with the parents so far, helping mum by getting info on PTSD (which I told her I thought she had) and she was very grateful. I've gone with mum all the time so far with what she wants as have sort of worked ok and there have been MANY little requests and changes of mind etc. I fully appreciate that a lot is because baby was so young when started (8 weeks) and she was having a hard time plus felt guilty as she couldn't cope with being full time mum etc etc. So far, we've worked very well together and mum is starting to realise that her baby is VERY social and loves the other kids and that's great.

HOWEVER, I'm sorry but 'give the mum a break' I've been fab so far and she's told me so but should I ignore the feelings of little ones just because of what she's going through? I have total sympathy and try in any way to help (we text/email up to 10 times a day) but her telling a mindee to be quiet and basically having us all speaking in our quietest possible voice - is that really fair?

This is week 8 of having baby, 2 days a week. HOw long is long enough to give her time?

I really think this was a bit much to expect, is LMG's the only one who agrees with me?

I think it depends how much you need the work - how difficult it would be to replace the time that she uses.

The danger with the 'she knows where she can go' attitude is that she might very well do that.

I think you can humour her whilst she is around but then relax when she isn;t.

Did she know about the other mindee being there today? Perhaps she thought she had paid extra for it just to be baby and your DS and finding another noisy (as all three year olds are) mindee there today threw her a bit?

You are completely reasonable.

If the mother of the baby wants totally quiet, dedicated 1:1 care, she must pay for a nanny in her own home. If she uses a childminder, she must expect that childminder to treat all mindees and her own child(ren) equally at all times.

Furthermore, the mother of the baby has NO authority over your child or your other mindees and must not give them directions/instructions. You must tell her this.

I agree with Anna. She'd probably be happier with a nanny. Then she would feel more in control of the environment. I think texting and emailing up to 10 times a day is a bit extreme too.

Soapbox - i NEED the work atm - it's £577 minimum a month!!! I certainly don't feel like 'she knows where she can go' as we have a very good relationship - I just feel like a couple of things should be said maybe. I worry about the mindee being told what to do by someone she's never met before.
She may have been thrown by mindee being here BUT she knew about a possible after schooler/holiday cover when I first met her.

Quick catch up on how were got where we are - mum comes when baby is 5 weeks old, says wants a CM who can have baby on odd occasion, maybe once a month or every other week for a few hours (for app's etc). She was here 2 hours, we got on great. I made clear that if something better comes along, I wouldn't be able to help. Next day she contacts me asking for me to do a contract for 2 FULL DAYS a week. I explained that I would still be advertising my other space and that she shouldn't expect it to always be just ds and her (as she'd mentioned wanting a childminder who didn't have the full 6 kids etc). I gave her the option of paying double so that I don't take another all day mindee and that I would just be advertising 1 after schooler and promised I wouldn't have more. She was very happy with this, and asked if she could pay double - BOTH HAPPY I've stuck with not taking on any more mindees so I've not changed anything there.

Anna - that's how I feel but don't think she wants a nanny because she is at home. She's not working properly as such, just taking time out so having baby crying at home isn't going to achieve what she wants. Plus when she is working, it's at home atm.

I agree about the texting/emailing. I don't mindand it isn't USUALLY quite as many times as 10, just when baby not particularly happy, she wants an update throughout the day. I understand but she seems to panic a bit if I don't reply - I can't always as busy dealing with her lo

Baby has now gone home due to screaming so bad, I felt she needed to be with her mummy. I now feel bad about sending her home as she seemed a little put out and said 'it's ok but we won't always be around' - well I know that, that's the case with most parents, that's what emergency contacts are for. And please don't any of you think I'm someone who sends home all the time - believe me, I always get told off for being too soft. If she doesn't want me putting her screaming baby down whilst I do something and she won't use a sling, what am I supposed to do when ds gets upset because he's STARVING (not just hungry of course )?

I suppose I'm a little worried that because I've been VERY accomodating so far, they are going to expect more and more from me, which is fine if not upsetting other children.

looney - it sounds as if the baby is very unhappy. Has the mother taken the baby to the doctor about this?

I don't understand why she won't get a nanny. If she's paying double, she could easily afford one. Baby might be less demanding with just one other person to get used to. And I think even five times a day text/email is excessive unless the baby is unwell or something special is happening. And why email? If you need this particular job then I can understand you want to make it work. But if she has demands that can't be met by a childminder then that will be hard for you. Just some thoughts.

Looney - my 'know where she can go' comment was in relation to LMG's post not to anything you have written. You sound like you have worked very hard at building the right relationship.

I imagine she was thrown by the other mindee being there - so perhaps you should mention to her what had been agreed about holiday cover?

This customer is worth nearly £7,000 per year to you. Are they worth losing?

If not... then can you put up with customer wanting their own way a bit for the 2 days per week?

Anna - after I suggested it, parents took baby to Dr's yesterday and they said they've had lots of babies in that day so must be virus going round but he couldn't diagnose anything.

NKF - my last post mentions about why I don't think she wants a nanny. She's also told me now she doesn't want ANYONE else and has decided that although the original plan was to do this til end of year then she may go to nursery, she wants me more days from end of year and if I can't do them all, she wants me to do as many as possible and she'll find an alternative for the rest if she has to. Meanwhile I have another friend (a Mnetter) who's nagging me to have her 2 kids, she's happy to do these same days as won't use anyone else - don't ask me why! There are other nice childminders around here! As for emails/texts, I've never been TOLD to, just like to reassure her and it means the world to her and I think it's just been more this week due to her having a bad week aswell as baby.

Soapbox - sorry, I thought i'd somehow come across as suggesting this Not only was I having an extremely bad morning, I also have a touch of PMT . She was informed about other mindee and when would have her but I think she forgets still - hormones and all that, I remember! Yes, I've tried VERY hard to work at this relationship and it's only this niggling thing about what she's paying for that's making me question things. HOWEVER.....................

had an email from her apologising if she seemed funny and that she understands it's in my policies to send home etc etc. This gives me a perfect reason to reply and nicely see if we agree on what should be happening and see if she wants to meet up, child free, to discuss further to make sure we both want to continue.

Right, ds is eating and I'm now shaking with hunger so off to make food and hopefully get to have a cup of tea I'm going to give loads of attention to ds now that I'm done for the day, I grabbed him and burst into tears after she'd gone - he was lovely and I feel like a silly hormonal wreck now!!!

Nannynick - but it's NOT right to keep the kids silent though is it? Mindee looked quite upset to be told to be quiet by a lady she met for the first time just 2 mins before

Looneytune - sorry if it sounded as if I was criticising you. I wasn't. You sound fab and very accomodating. I think it sounds as if she's possibly out of wack with what can be expected of a childminder. To be honest, she sounds quite controlling and insecure and I think it helps to be a bit more relaxed if your child is not being looked after one to one.

Re: the texts, I think it's very nice of you to reassure her but a bit odd of her to need so much reassurance. That's all.

but it's NOT right to keep the kids silent though is it?

No it's not... but I don't feel that was the issue... it was more that SHE told the children to be quiet. It is not up to her to dictate the rules for mindees and your ds. That is your role. So while she can request you to ask the children to keep the noise down, she should not be doing so herself.

So, in your chat with her, perhaps remind her that any issues she may have with children in your care, she needs to discuss with you, not talk to the child/children concerned.

Sorry, haven't read every post. This mum sounds like a nervous first timer, to me. She obiously likes and values you. I think she was just being a bit over protective of her baby. It must be difficult leaving a baby that's not 100% and going off to work. I'd just ignore her nervous behaviour. Do what you feel is right, and let others faff if they want, just don't let it affect you.

NKF - Not at all And yes, she is as she put something about that in her email apologising. I feel bad because she'd already told me the baby has been screaming the same at home this week and mum isn't well either (sinuses) so I think she was a bit off as she knew what she was going to have to deal with for the rest of the day. I'm really stubborn and also like to please parents so it had to be really bad for me to send her home - believe me! I think mum is definitely suffering in her head, that's why she's having counselling. I can't go into the birth details etc on here but mum nearly died at birth, never bonded with baby to start, felt guilt due to not wanting to stay at home with her all the time etc etc. so yes, it's odd for normal parents but this mum NEEDS the reassurance she's REALLY nice btw!

Nannynick - you're right, it IS that that got to me aswell as her thinking it was acceptable to keep them quiet. She's a first time mum but has 2 older step kids who come every other weekend so knows about noise etc but maybe not as much as I do. I will have a word - thanks

LynetteScavo - you are right! But she's not at work, well, working casually from home. Mainly didn't want to be SAHM and wanted a break from being mum. This week she's just at home/having app's as suffering in her head again and also not well herself

Any advice with wording on my reply to mum via email? She's apologised and I want to say it's ok but lets take this opportunity to check we both know where we stand with........

I'm not very good with 'words' so if anyone has any idea's of any sort (not asking for the email to be written, just odd words/phrases that might work well )

Cheers

Anyone?

there will be someone soon looney. your emails still not working? sent you one about the jacket?