CM Club - Advice Needed - how much do I let parent dictate what we do in MY house?

[looneytune]

Hi everyone

A lot of you know I have a 3 and half month old mindee 2 days a week and her mum pays me double so I provide more 1:1 care. She started at 8 weeks old and I soon could see why she wanted 1:1 care - baby needs constant attention and cries whenever you're not looking at her etc. Well over time she's been getting better as I have gradually stepped away a bit more at a time etc etc. Anyway, that's not really the point...........

I know I'm being paid for more 1:1 care BUT I have a ds who I can't ignore - he had many tears in the first few weeks and it broke my heart. The mum of baby always knew I may take on an after schooler but I said the most would be my ds (4), her baby and an after schooler therefore not being totally 1:1.

I now have another mindee who is 3 years old, Term Time only and only from 3-6pm each day. Mum was informed before took her on. I took her on mainly so ds had someone to play with whilst I'm busy with baby (as I've tried and tried everything to be able to deal with ds's needs aswell as baby's but pretty impossible at start!)

Well, my 3 year old is here today from 8-12 as a one off as her dad has an interview this morning.

Baby was dropped off at 9.30am and because had just woken up and hasn't been 100% this week (looks like a virus Dr said), mum was hushing the kids a lot. I started with 'ok, baby is a bit sleepy so lets try and be a bit quieter for a bit' and reminded them a couple of times but hey, there's a 4 year old boy and 3 year old excitable girl - kids make noise - end of! Baby's mum said to my mindee 'remember to be quiet' etc. and mindee looks a bit puzzled.

I REALLY like baby's family, nice people, respect me for a good job, pay well, pay on time etc etc. BUT I'm worried about what she thinks she's paying for. How on earth am I supposed to keep children this quiet? Should I be expected to? Baby gets 1:1 care from 9-12.30 Term Time then I have ds - mum knows I have ds and that she's paying to stop me getting another all day mindee.

Luckily it would usually only be baby as a mindee til 3pm but still, should I be expecting my own son to be quiet just because I'm being paid double???

I've always put mindees ahead of ds as I feel I have to make sure they are happy etc as being paid (i'm not horrible to ds btw ) BUT I just think it's really unfair to expect a 4 yr old boy to be quiet - it makes me wonder whether or not I should have this baby after all?

Should I speak to baby's mum about what is acceptable in terms of telling us how to be?

Does any of what I've said make sense? (sorry if not but I've got ds and mindee winding each other up - I can't think! )

perhaps ask her how she thinks the relationhip is going? If her step kids are quite a bit older then she may have missed the noisy pre-school years!

She does sound a lovely lady who is suffering/not coping with motherhood at the moment. I think she may not cope well with any perceived criticism so I'd tread carefully with how you say what needs to be said.

Also think you should explain that LO's are often boisterous at drop off/pick up times but don't worry they calm down quickly etc. Next time stick the TV on for half an hour or something!

jellyjelly - they were sorted, went down again and seem sorted again. Funny enough I'm in the middle of major catch up and have just replied to both yours before coming on here for a break

CarGirl - thanks, good points!

If it is your choice to text or email, I don't actually see this as a problem if it is reassuring for the mum - I did this (with phone photos of smiling baby too!) with one mum I minded for who was very nervous about leaving her baby, and it was very much appreciated. It is something that you can gradually cut down as time goes on.

I also agree that it is not the mum's place to ask other children to be quiet, but would hate to have to ask parent not to interfere. Perhaps you could just reassure her that children tend to be a little noisier when there's another adult present, but quieten down when it's just you (which is true!)

Just another thought - if the mum is having a hard time with motherhood, I would reassure her lots and lots, and sympathise about how hard it is with a first baby etc. I suspect that you probably already do this, but I often worry that new mums look at us and see us apparently coping with their children with such ease (!!) and that it may make them feel "inadequate" in some way if they are finding it difficult. Hope that made sense.

Hi TP. Yes, been reassuring her lots since the first time we met when baby was 5 weeks old. I told her about my own PDN and how I found it a lot harder dealing with ds as a small baby (hormones, knackered etc) than I do the young babies I have had! I've talk through her awful birth experience with her and got her information on PTSD, as it's possible she has this. I've decided to let the being quiet in my house bit go as poor mum was having a really bad week

PND

I think you made the right call about letting it go, it isn't something that will be likely to crop again. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a good CM and a good friend to the Mum - poor lady.