Childminder for my kids whilst I study

[MorningRush]

I started my degree in September and my nearly 2yo has been with a childminder. She is fab and I was really lucky to find her last minute after going through all the local childminders in the area who had no spaces. I was pregnant at the time and gave birth in December and as had been previously agreed, new baby went to the CM and I returned to studying for the new term. They are minded for 19 hours over 3 days.
Unfortunately baby has been unsettled and CM has said she will give it another week and if things don't improve she won't be able to mind him anymore as it isn't fair to the other kids. She is trying to push me to leave uni and go back in September.

Obviously I get where she is coming from, dealing with a baby is demanding, but I feel annoyed that it's like I can just drop my plans and it's no big deal. If I had returned to work after having a baby she wouldn't be saying I think you should give up work. If she hadn't implied whilst I was pregnant that minding the new baby was going to be absolutely fine then of course I would have looked at alternative options months ago so that my toddler would have a chance to settle in. Now I'm faced with potentially one more week of childcare before she says that's enough.
I don't know what my best option is now?
I feel like if I leave uni now I will never go back. Also, just because baby will be a few months older, doesn't mean he will be any easier to deal with. The thought of having a week to find a new CM, kids having no time to settle in and potentially have them also say sorry we can't deal with your crying baby anymore fills me with dread. The alternative is to put them both in nursery which is significantly more expensive and what I really wanted to avoid as they'll get less individual attention, which is why I wanted a CM in the first place. I don't have any family I could ask to help out.
All my options seem rubbish and I'm feeling tired, sad and hormonal. Any opinions or advice greatly appreciated.

A newborn is very hard work and few mums would be returning under at least 6 weeks more 12 weeks, She wont be in any proper routine and will be unsettled. Sorry but the cm has a duty of care to meet the needs of all in her care and will be downgraded if she cant do this even cm's who have their own newborns would be struggling to carry on so soon and be under pressure to take time off.
She has given you a few weeks already so must have taken baby on at a few weeks old surley you knew you would need time to bond with your baby and it would disrupt your studies baby has to come first for you. Your a mummy first and a student second for at least the nest 18 years. She was amazing in trying to support you and you should appreciate it.

If you gave birth in December and your baby has already been at the childminder a few weeks (in January), sadly I think your childminder is right. And I say that in the nicest way, as a working mum who uses a childminder. If your baby is unsettled it's because he/she is just a few weeks old and needs to bond with his/her primary caregiver. The childminder can't neglect the other children in her care just to deal with a very unsettled baby. She tried it for you, she gave it a shot, and it's not working. You need to think of alternative options I think, but don't blame your CM.

The baby has been to the CM for 3 days as I started back this week.

I guess I am just annoyed that I was led to believe it would be fine. We both have three kids of our own so are no strangers to the demands of a newborn. If she'd just been honest that it was unrealistic from the start then I could have dealt with it beforehand and also minimised the financial implications from student finance.

sorry with 3 kids you should know that it takes time to bond with your child. You should know how a newborn is and that its a very unsettled time. You should be a mum and not talk like a firs timer in shock who assumed they could pop baby out and get back to the normal pre baby life like dropping your hand bag. Your cm was probably put in a very difficult position. You must have known you were pregnant before starting your course most mums don't want to leave there 6 month olds and feel its too young. a baby of what 5 weeks wow. Go to student support and see what options you have or look at the OU

Hi op,

As a student who took a break due to a failure in childcare make sure you speak to your uni.

I don't know your course and other details obviously but they are usually very helpful in terms of stepping off for a period of time as long as you talk to them and get plans in place fr your return.

I was able to step off and just join the cohort after me.

Good luck x

I think your CM is right, and the child is too young to be in a care setting. Most nurseries and CMs won't take younger than 6 months, for a reason.

It is perfectly possible to have a baby during university. Lots of people have done it. I don't think that makes me less of a mum, what is this, the 1950s?? Is my OH less of a dad because he's at work for 12 hours a day? There's no need to be condescending. There are quite a few nurseries in my area that take children from 6 weeks old. I didn't realise it was such a rare thing?! If I leave now I would have to get a job anyway as there wouldn't be any income from student loan and it's not like I'm getting any maternity pay so the kids would be in childcare regardless so I don't really need to be made to feel guilty about that as it's irrelevant. My issue is having to do it so suddenly when I could have dealt with it weeks ago.
Yes, I knew I was pregnant before I started and so did she. It was the CM who suggested the baby come to her in the first place, so I did not put her in a difficult position no. She is leaving me in a difficult position.
Thanks babypeach, I'll get in touch and see what they recommend. Perhaps they will give me a few weeks grace to settle the kids somewhere new.

Thanks anyway x

Is there a nursery at the university? How does the cost of a nanny compare to 2 children in childcare? I don't take children under 6 months, but I know other CMs in my area do.

Good luck with your childcare and degree

Practically speaking, could you shorten the babies time there each day for a bit until routines/bonds form.

Look again at childminders in your area. Things may have changed, there may be new childminders or spaces may have become available with childminders where there may not have been previously.

Don’t beat yourself up if your children go into nursery, kids are very adaptable. I understand why you would prefer a childminder, especially for the youngest, but a good nursery will be able to meet their individual needs and there are some great nurseries out there.

I’m a childminder and My daughter was 12 weeks old when I returned to work, I only had one other child at the time. She was 3 and I had had her since she was 8 months old and I found it very difficult. Maybe the extra hands at nursery might be of benefit in your case.

I wish you the best of luck, you stick with your studies, the sacrifices you make now will surely benefit you and your kids in the future 💐

In my area, the minimum age I saw was 3 months. And that was literally one nursery. Everyone else was 6 months.

So yeah, to me, it is a rare thing.

Wow op you are getting very harsh responses.
Don't give up your course, loads of nurseries take babies from 6 weeks and they all survive. If this was a job and you didn't get maternity you would be back at work and in America it's pretty standard to go back after a few weeks. I was at uni with four kids and my friend has a newborn whist there.
See how it goes for the next week but also have a look at nurseries in your area but don't give up your course!! No one is asking your partner to give up work are they?

Wow op you are getting very harsh responses.
Don't give up your course, loads of nurseries take babies from 6 weeks and they all survive. If this was a job and you didn't get maternity you would be back at work and in America it's pretty standard to go back after a few weeks. I was at uni with four kids and my friend has a newborn whist there.
See how it goes for the next week but also have a look at nurseries in your area but don't give up your course!! No one is asking your partner to give up work are they?

A childminder who can't manage a baby who "is unsettled" and who complains after 3 days doesn't seem like a very good childminder to me. My dd screamed her head off a lot for the first couple of years of her life. This had nothing to do with whether she was with the childminder or in my arms and everything to do with her hidden reflux. My childminder was perfectly able to manage it and never even suggested that she couldn't manage it.

It's completely inappropriate for a childminder to be judging you as a parent or suggesting that you leave Uni.
Personally, I would stick with your studies and find another childminder who is more competent, and put your dc's in nursery in the meantime.

Can your partner take paternity leave if you are unable to countenance mat leave? There is a reason it is offered.
I am not unsympathetic. I’ve had to give up three post grad degrees for similar reasons. Small children (especially newborns) are unpredictable. The only women I know who have not taken a break after birth are those who Time a May baby and go back in September/ October.
I don’t know anyone who popped a baby out and was in class full time three weeks later. It’s not the 1950s but neither is it ‘I am going to sacrifice myself on the altar of having it all.’
Life choices.
I’m slightly weirded out by the idea that you are more concerned about losing a childminder than your newborn being unhappy. I don’t believe in sacrificing my own life, but there are limits. Newborns are one of them. Offspring with disabilities are another. Being a mother sucks sometimes.

The childminder's duty of care to her mindees must also extend to the newborn's welfare. She probably feels uncomfortable knowing that with other children to look after that the baby isn't getting what they need either.

Surely you'd rather that the childminder was honest that it's not working rather than putting your children and others at risk by struggling on?

Perhaps you need a nanny rather than a childminder.

I took a break in my undergrad degree. Graduated with a 6 month old on my hip having written my dissertation while breastfeeding in the wee hours. Dh was on an op tour. Has Made no difference to my life at all.

Op, you haven't said one word about your newborn's well being and it's all about the inconvenience to you. Your poor child.

Your baby is far too young to be sent to a childminder at 6 weeks. How many other mindees does she have? Your gripe about your childminder is misplaced, it's not her fault she can't meet her needs. The baby's needs are to met by a primary care giver, you. You risk an attachment disorder if you're unable to provide care for another 3 months. Your baby is ultimately not your childminder's responsibility but you and her Dad's.

Your baby is too young to with a CM, it's not ideal but you can return to uni in September your baby needs to come first and it needs you, university isn't going anywhere it can wait a few months.

Babies are demanding and your Childminder is experienced in the care of children so knew that. Maybe they thought they would cope.

I nanny for a baby whose mum goes to Uni, have had baby since she was 4 weeks old. Care at your home just for your children though is costly, it would be more than the cost of a childminder and it is now short notice for you to find suitable care. There would have been no guarantee that your baby would have settled with a baby though, if you had started with a nanny you could still be in the same position as baby may not settle.

Look for alternative care and give it another go.

Agree octonaught

Also agree with octonaght. You seem angry with the inconvenience to you! How was the poor cm supposed to know 100% that it would or wouldn't work out with a baby that hadn't been born yet? She gave it a shot and has done the right and responsible thing by warning you that it doesn't seem to be working out? It's totally unrealistic to have a baby while studying and not expect to have to take even a short break. You say you will have to get a job if you take a break which means childcare anyway-did you and your partner not plan during the 9 months of pregnancy how you would cope with a period of mat/pat leave? I'm a bit at your apparent disregard for the needs of your baby, sorry.

Have you looked for a nursery instead
It sounds like the cm is struggling and I wouldn't want to leave a baby in the sole care of someone who has admitted she can't cope
At least in a nursey there are lots of other people around to share the stress of a crying baby

Agree with octonaught.

You sound very aggressive and your poor little newborn sounds like, meh, an inconvenience to you over yourself and your university course.

By all means do your studying but how about prioritising your child’s well being before your own?