How would you handle this situation?

[Fuckingsickofpeppa]

Here's the basics without going into too much detail.

MIL collects DD from nursery 1 day per week, brings her to my house and watches her for 2-3 hours until I come home from work. Every week I leave details of what's for lunch and any other info I think she'll need.

Yesterday it was pesto pasta for DD lunch and if left a note saying as much. There was fresh pasta in the fridge so it was a meal that would take about 10 mins to sort out. Nice and easy.

I arrived home earlier than normal to a scene of absolute chaos. MIL said she didn't know what pan to use, didn't know if the pasta was to be salted, didn't know what to do with fresh pasta, didn't know how much pesto and cheese to use. DD (age 3) was STARVING. I had to step in and take over.

This has been an arrangement for 2-3 months now and MIL has never once taken DD to the park round the corner or done anything with her while she's in her care. I come home and the house is a TIP with toys, the kitchen is a MESS even if it's just been a cheese sandwich that's been made. It's quite difficult as I spend a fair bit of time sorting the place out when I get home from work.

Now, I know I'm very lucky to have free childcare for my 1 morning a week BUT the woman is driving me mad and I just feel like she's putting no effort into what she offered to do.

Any helpful suggestions?! I'm thinking of "sacking" her and getting a childminder.

We know it's not your 1st choice but it was dp's 1st choice and presumably he's quite happy with the arrangement. I remember my parents looking after my children once a week for a while and it never occurred to ask what they'd eaten and where they'd been. I just knew they were safe and happy. Is it possible to just chill for one day a week?

Thank you woundedbutwalking thank you!!!

That is exactly how I feel and I'm so glad someone understands!

Honestly I think you are being very unfair. I personally wouldn't faff around making pasta for my toddlers lunch - I would make something quick and easy or maybe prepare something the evening before that could be heated up. I'm also usually too busy playing and having fun to worry about tidying up until the end of the day. My DH comes home sometimes to a bomb site and couldn't give a monkeys.
She is doing you a favour and your DD is getting time with granny. Relax a bit and accept she won't do things the way you would but she is taking good care of her and they are having fun together

There you go, sandwich, drink and yoghurt (a la Morrisons) on the fridge plus food for you MIL. Note to say it is in the fridge.

And then just let them get on with it. Leave some activities within easy reach maybe otherwise let them do whatever they want!

Time with a grandparent is precious. Free childcare is also precious!

My MiL used to care for my kids one day a week and was similar in that she would forget to feed the kids or feed them at 3pm. Now they are old enough to say/ get something themselves.

I've long suspected she has an eating disorder so has disordered eating patterns herself not that she was being awkward.

I really try to put effort into ensuring the kids have a good relationship with her and respect her as my DH mother and the huge favour she was doing us.
Besides at one time we really needed her help so I had to make it work.

I used to leave labelled food in the fridge or in a lunchbox in the fridge so she couldn't not find it. I'd show the kids it as well so they could point it out. I would then often phone up at lunch time and say just checking you've found the lunch.

As soon as I could I used paid childcare because I was always uneasy about the huge favour she was doing and the forgetting to feed them is neglectful.

It sounds like you've got exasperated with her so probably notice every annoying thing she does. The tidy house really isn't important.

Try to remember the time children have with grandparents is often to short and I believe they are really important for children's emotional health and development.

Personally I will always try to foster a good relationship between them even though there's other things my MiL has done which means I now without her knowledge restrict/manage her contact with the kids to protect them.

Speak to your hubby without putting his mum down and say what's been happening re the food as he really should be aware so you can both make a decision on if you want to carry on with her caring for DD if not how will he ensure their relationship continues.

Op you are getting slated but actually I think you have a little point. It's not hard to follow the instructions on a bag of fresh pasta or jar of pesto.

Likewise there is no need to completely destroy someone's kitchen making a sandwich. What you are asking for is not that hard and I would feel similar to you about my mil I suspect and in my opinion it's fine to be pissed off internally. It's what you say and how you act that matters though.

You have been really rude about her and I suspect that is what has got people's backs up. Free grandparent childcare is always a sore point. For what it's worth my mum used to look after my daughter 1 day a week until she was 2.5. She was in her 70's. I never set out stuff for lunch. Generally there would be stuff in the fridge but she would also often turn up with the sort of stuff she liked (Asda cooked chicken and loads of bread mainly!).

Whilst there she would take my daughter to playgroup in the buggy, get my daughter to nap on the sofa (I never was able to do that!) feed her, taught her letters, taught her to begin to write her name and generally hung out with her. She was the one that had my daughter sitting on a potty at 18 months which meant by the time she turned 2 she was firmly in pants. She also used to do my washing, clean the kitchen and generally help out.

But my mum was extraordinary. And wanted to do all those things. She wanted to have my daughter every day I worked but I felt that would be too much for her given her age. Not every grandmother is able to be like that or wants to be like that. My mum has dementia now and sometimes doesn't even know who her granddaughter is.

My mil is firmly in the fun stuff only category. And I have come to realise that is fine too - although it pisses me off that she can't put her cup in the dishwasher!

You can't make people do things your way, even in your own home. In your situation I would deffo be making up a packed lunch for your little girl and leaving it in the fridge. I would probably buy a little lunch box for it to go in so that it is exciting for your daughter. Try not to get eaten up by the small stuff and try and focus on the fact she has regular one on one time with your dd. I would give anything for that now.

My dad has my DD for me one evening a week. The house is always pretty messy. He makes her toast and jam every single week (and usually brings chocolate for her too). He would never dream of cooking pesto pasta if I'm honest. Doubt he even knows what pesto is (though he would reheat stuff I left for him, but she has her proper meal at nursery so I'm not fussed).

I am sooooo grateful and love him so much for what he does for us. And my DD adores him too. I don't give a shit what the house looks like or what she eats during the one night a week he has her. He's the best grandad and I'm so glad my DD has him in her life regularly.

So much so that I'm considering paying him to have her every afternoon next year whilst I'm at work, so he can retire from his v manual job and she doesn't have to spend all her time in nursery; she can spend it with her best mate instead.

Relax a little bit

I think you need to step back with most thinking its you being unreasonable perhaps its time to review your own stance....its one day not 5 does it matter if she has a sandwich one day? Her granny may not be around in years to come so this is time to make memories.
The lady is retired (she may now be struggling physically or mentally)
To expect a house that is not messy with any 3 year old is unrealistic children make mess they tip toys out not everyone has the same attitude to toys its one day let it go.

The advice on here is overwhelming but you're not listening. It sounds like you never wanted this arrangement and you're determined not to make it work. You MIL must feel like she's treading on eggshells.

The advice might seem overwhelming but it seems to be coming from posters who are determined to not really read what the OP is saying

'She's doing you a favour' ... no, she insisted

'You sound like a nightmare' ... no, OP just wants her kid to be fed properly (not a dessert but proper food, at a decent time for eating ie not when child is starving) and the house not to be an utter tip (child should be encouraged to help tidy, OP isn't expecting MIL to scrub top to bottom)

OP, this isn't working and you have my sympathies. Been there myself with ILs. Break (or have DH break) the news gently as she might lose her shit, she sounds a bit oblivious and probably won't take the perceived slight well.

Good luck

I think it's lovely for a young child to get a set time every week with grandma.

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone who doesn't even eat lunch themselves to do a cooked lunch. You can and should leave something pre-prepared that doesn't need heating or finding - just all ready on a plate in the fridge so that she just needs to take it out and put it on the table.

I often agree with the "pay for childcare instead" side on these threads when the grandma in question is being an actual nightmare but this grandma sounds lovely if a bit on the scatter brain side, and I think it would be a big shame to deny your child precious time with grandma just because of your expectations for cooking of lunch and tidying up which are not reasonable.

You sound very demanding and I am glad you are not my DIL.

If the lunch is an issue, then just leave a prepared packed lunch - no problem there.

If you don't like your child playing with toys and spreading them about then that is just tough.

You have a list of things she does NOT do - how about looking at what she DOES do?

I look after two of my GC regularly and my DDs have NEVER once complained about it in any way - they know I will stick by their important rules, but also accept that things will inevitably be done a bit differently when they are with us.

You need to loosen up and cut this poor woman a bit of slack. Just be grateful - and try showing it. You do not know how lucky you are.

I have to say i wouldnt be happy if someone had insisted they could look after my child and give them a meal mid day then didnt but left the place in chaos and child starving.

I think a cm is the way to go its not fair that because mil doesnt eat that your child goes hungry.

Just because mil is doing it for free op should accept mess for no reason and her dd not having anything to eat between snack at nursery and late afternoon.

but i wouldnt gave a clue about pesto pasta either we all hate pesto in our house

Shouldn't accept it i mean.

Fecking bold fail!

Leave a sandwich, a kids microwave meal or money for the morrison’s cafe. I cba to cook pesto etc at lunch time. Maybe she finds it difficult to boil water and keep an eye on your dd? When we had Ds1’s home recently (totally different situation) we felt it wasn’t safe to use the stove around him so everything went in the oven or microwave. It may have been safe but we didn’t feel it was. Pesto is also very much of a certain generation - I don’t think I had it until I went to university.

You sound highly strung - toys on the floor is surely a good thing? If you can’t cope with the number put out a rotating smaller toy box for MIL to use.

You also won’t get to dictate to a childminder - they’re self employed -you only really get control over a nanny.

Oh dear sounds really stressful! I think pack lunch is a good option as maybe she's just not coping with cooking and looking after the little one even if it is a simple dish like pesto and pasta. It can be hard work when the little one doesn't want you to leave them or follows you in to the kitchen.

Could it be that she doesn't know how to make that sort of food? What about asking her to do something like scrambled egg on toast which she is familiar with?

I would give it another month and I would do a pack lunch each time - sandwich, yoghurt, fruit and give her another chance.

Maybe you MIL is finding looking after a 3 year old harder than she remembered and is feeling overwhelmed with the whole thing. Add in your demands for pesto pasta and the house to be clean she's maybe scared about doing something wrong.

I would see a not taking a trip to the park as a bug bearer.

Not everyone is comfortable is someone else's house.

Maybe it's time to pay for childcare going forward.

I think you are getting slated unfairly! Come on - she gave the child a creme caramel for lunch!! She is not putting her heart and soul into it!!

Well, tomorrow is MIL day so I have cooked a pizza, cut it up and put it in a container for lunch.

Wonder if she'll manage...

You're already expecting her to fail. Poor form OP!

If that's your attitude I'm not surprised she's failing to meet your expectations. I hope you're not quite so rude when you actually talk to her.

What kind of container? If it's a lock-n-lock type will.she be able to claim to have been unable to open it? A plate with some clingfilm over might be safer.

I think you are getting a rough ride OP.
I don't know how a perfectly capable adult cannot feed and mind a child for a few hours. It's ludicrous, especially seeing as she offered.
Grit your teeth, make up a sandwich and stick it in the fridge even if you have to do it the night before. At least you know the wee one will have had something.
As for the park/activities- let her choose what she wants to do. Your child will soon tell her granny if she's bored!
But I don't think you sound awful or ungrateful, just frustrated.

Maybe accept that is is a hassle, it is extra work for you, yes you never wanted it in the first place, BUT -

There is a massive value in your daughter having an independent relationship with her Grandma. It will develop her and round her. She will remember, or if she doesn't, she can be told, that her grandma chose to spend hours with her every week because she loved her and wanted to be with her. That is so valuable for her self esteem and identity growing up.

A friend once was talking about her very challenging MIL, I asked how she could bear to be around her. She said 'the more people who love my daughter the better'. I think that is an excellent philosophy (unless they are abusive etc). So you don't have to like it, but maybe support it for your daughters benefit?