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Original poster

How do you feel about relatives collecting?

31 replies

Doglikeafox · 14/09/2017 16:12

I'd love some opinions from other childminders, and maybe parents on this please. Yesterday a child was due to be collected at 6:00pm. All of my other mindees went home at 5:00pm so it was just me and her. At 5:15pm the mindee's mum rang and asked if it was okay if the child's grandma came to pick the child up instead of her. I said of course, that was fine. I have met the grandma before ( a while ago) but the mindee is old enough to recognise whoever is at the door anyway.
It might also be worth noting that this child has recently expressed quite a bit of anxiety over who is going to collect her at home time. She is fine once I can assure her who is coming, but if I am ambigous (often I don't know if its mum or dad until they get here) she can get quite anxious.
Anyway, 5 minutes later grandma arrives. 40 minutes before child is due to be collected. I opened the door a tad surprised, but said it was fine (It was) and apologised that the child hadn't had their dinner yet and I'd just get her coat. Grandma says 'oh please could she have her dinner here then?' so, again a bit surprised, I said yes but that it wasn't ready yet. I invited her in and her (teenage) granddaughter who was also with her. After 10 mins of awkward convo dinner was ready, I served it up, child ate it (another 10 mins or so) and then I said goodbye and they left. DP and my tea was ready at the same time but I didn't feel like I could eat with them there so our dinner went cold.
As soon as they left the house I felt like my home had been invaded. I feel like the children and parents that come into my home quickly become friends, but this was a lady (and child) I barely know and I wasn't actually prepared for guests. The dining room is at the back of my house so they had to walk all the way through to it, which is an area I don't usually have parents never mind about unknown relatives. My washing was out, I hadn't tidied up from arts and crafts this afternoon etc and I just felt uncomfortable with the whole situation. I think it's already difficult to feel at home in a house primarily used for work and things like this make it even more difficult. This is my home and I don't want strangers traipsing through, commenting on my setting.
Am I being really unreasonable? I know there's not really anything I could do differently next time but I'm still thinking about the situation now.

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catkind · 14/09/2017 16:29

Parent here. I think you didn't need to invite her in. You were working, you don't need random family members hanging around distracting you and taking up space. You could just say "OK, dinner will be finished at xxx, see you then." We never went into CM's house as parents for longer than it took to find DD's shoes and hand over. Her space and the other mindees' space, not a waiting room.

Jayfee · 14/09/2017 16:38

you are too nice..she should have collected gd early or come back later. be ready next time and insist on knowing arrval time if not within usual time slot

Original poster
Doglikeafox · 14/09/2017 17:09

Thank you it's really helpful to have a parents input aswell as childminders.
I think you're right, that's what I should have said. I was a bit taken back at the request but next time will definitely say 'okay we should be done by 5:40, see you then'.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who would see it as an invasion.

OP posts:
Dystopiandreaming · 14/09/2017 19:02

I agree with you, but - and I may get flamed here - if I knew you were my CM and were using the term 'invasion' to talk about clients (or clients' relatives) who come in for any period of time, I would be massively uncomfortable. I don't hang around at my CM's place, but if there was anything in their home I felt they weren't comfortable with me seeing I would remove my DD from the setting. She has to be there all day, so although it isn't a waiting room and the grandmother was being a bit ignorant of that, 'invasion' is very strong language.

Original poster
Doglikeafox · 14/09/2017 19:37

It's a good job this is an anonymous forum then isn't it :-) I would never use that word when speaking to their face, obviously. But I am expressing how I feel to strangers, anonymously.
I'm not at all uncomfortable with my parent's seeing that my house is a mess. They know me well, understand that this is a sign of just how busy we have been learning and exploring. But this lady didn't know me. At all. So yes there are things in my home that I'm not comfortable with a stranger seeing. Because it's my home and a family lives there.
Are there not things in your home that you don't want to share? Or possibly more applicable, do you think that every business should want to invite strangers into the back and show them around? Some things just aren't for public viewing. Parents, mindees, fine. Not total strangers who I don't know.

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Original poster
Doglikeafox · 14/09/2017 19:39

and I think invasion is a relevant and applicable term when discussing privacy being breached, which I feel as though it was.

OP posts:
GodIsDead · 14/09/2017 20:05

*Invasion is strong language
*
Errrr what? Absolutely absurd! No it's not.

Snap8TheCat · 14/09/2017 20:12

'The setting' is how you describe where your Dd goes each day but it is first and foremost the CMs home. Please remember that when one expresses how they feel about strangers entering that space.

I sympathise OP.

SayNoToCarrots · 14/09/2017 20:27

I have used childminders and I would feel uncomfortable doing as the GM and GD did as I would feel like I was invading your space.

if there was anything in their home I felt they weren't comfortable with me seeing I would remove my DD from the setting

Ridiculous, OP was uncomfortable with them seeing her knickers, ffs, not a bloody knife.

SayNoToCarrots · 14/09/2017 20:27

bold fail

Yukbuck · 15/09/2017 12:41

I find it odd that you are calling the grandma a stranger. I mean yes, you don't know her. But she is not a stranger to the child.
I'm a nanny and every now and then a relative I've never met will come over and I welcome them in with open arms.
Okay maybe she should have waited in the car or something but I guess she thought her GD would have already. Most young kids I know eat before 5.

Snap8TheCat · 15/09/2017 12:44

She knows it's not a stranger to the child but it is to her and that's what she's taking about. Having someone you've never met come in to your home and personal space that you're not expecting.

And as a nanny It's not your home that you're welcoming them in to though is it?

Yukbuck · 15/09/2017 13:16

I understand that. But she was expecting her. The mum rang her to let her know. What I mean Is, it's a bit different to letting a random person in your home. It's the child's grandma !!!

Original poster
Doglikeafox · 15/09/2017 13:22

She was a random person to me though. Everyone is someone's grandma. I allowed her in to the home because I know OF her, but to me she wasn't anyone familiar.
I also don't think you can compare this to being a nanny and welcoming people in. Nanny's work in someone else home so it isn't really a reflection on you, or your private space.

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Original poster
Doglikeafox · 15/09/2017 13:22

And I was expecting her... in 40 minutes time. So not really expected when she arrived

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 15/09/2017 13:30

I think it's strange but some people are just very nosy and have no idea about social graces etc.

Borntoflyinfirst · 15/09/2017 14:30

I used to be a childminder and I would use the word 'invasive' to describe this situation. Childminding IS invasive to your home and family even at the most normal of times. This is plain weird. Why on earth would gm suppose she could just come in and wait? Come early and take the child as is or arrive at the right time. I say this as childminder AND parent. Surely she wouldn't have expected to be there had you had other mindees still there?!

Melabela10 · 18/09/2017 20:40

It's a bit odd to stay there and wait for child to eat however if it's one off I would let it off: They don't come come and sit around there every day.

Your home is a work place where children stay and assuming that children go all over the place in the house the whole space should be organised as a work place and you should be comfortable with parents walking in at anytime.

stressedbeyond123 · 19/09/2017 13:24

Speaking as a parent...
my DD has been with CM for coming up to 6 years - apart from the time i first met her and i went to her home to get to know her etc, the furthest i have been is her hallway, and that's when DD is putting on shoes etc.

There was one occasion when DD wanted me to see her do something out the garden, and CM walked me through the house to get to the garden.

I would never take it as a given that i could just walk through the house when waiting, although i have become good friends with CM over the years, there is still that slight business relationship if that makes sense x

bigballsofevil · 19/09/2017 13:29

I would have come back later if I was grandma!

Original poster
Doglikeafox · 19/09/2017 16:12

Thanks stressed, that's useful to know. I am normally very welcoming with the parents and they do come into the dining room to see crafts, garden when we are eating outside and lounge when we are reading stories etc. It is always at my invitation and since I know the parents so well I don't mind at all. This felt very different though.
I have one child in particular who does always invite her mum to other parts of my house (come see the soap in dog's bathroom mum, come see the chairs in the dining room etc) and that I do find intrusive. I have spoken to the child in question and asked that she doesn't invite people into someone else's house as it isn't very polite (child is 6) but she continued to do so. I said in front of mum the next time 'oh remember X, it isn't very polite to invite people into other people's homes without asking is it' but I felt like a bitch and mum was obviously taken aback. Sad I do understand it sounds a bit off, but at the same time if I had wanted her walking around the house I would have invited her and I normally have other children to look after in other rooms.

OP posts:
strawberrygate · 20/09/2017 13:48

personally, there's no way on earth I'd have invited them in while she ate. I'd have put shoes and coat on the child, waved good bye and said a cheery " oh, by the way, she's not eaten dinner yet; see you tomorrow".
then gone inside.

Other child, when she invites a parent in I'd say another cheery " oh no, we're all a bit busy for that aren't we; bye bye, see you tomorrow"

Chickenagain · 20/09/2017 14:03

How about 'Not today....' with a smile Grin

stressedbeyond123 · 20/09/2017 14:04

strawberry - i wasn't invited in by DD. when the time came to collect she asked CM if i could come in and watch her do something that she had learnt that day, CM was more than happy with this and led me through to the garden.

The point being, DD asked if it was ok, not just assumed and that gave CM the opportunity to say no if she needed to

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/09/2017 22:45

Grandma prob assumed her gc would have had tea and just picking up to help her son/daughter

So wouldn't have anything prepared for her to eat

530 seems late for a child to eat if picked up at 6

Would you usually eat tea with mindees and dp?

I would have either said come back in 20/30min if you want child to have eaten

Or

Shown them living room /sofa

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