Au-pairs, what do you do with them in the evenings ?

[Mojomummy]

We had a potential au-pair come & stay with us on Tues/Wed & flew back to spain today.

I'm mulling over whether I can handle someone else living in the house - having to telll them what to do - but more importantly, what happens in the evening ? would they expect to sit in the lounge with you? what about watching your own tv programmes ? I'm hoping she'll want to spend all her time in her room on the computer....but feel a bit mean for thinking this ?

So what is the normal thing for au-pairs to do ?

She's very nice BTW !

Encourage her to go to her room by making it as comfortable as possible. Does she have a telly and DVD player in her room? Somewhere comfortable to sit and read? Etc.?

But, I see nothing wrong with putting some of these expectations in a welcomepakc / house rules. You might say, "After a lond day a t the office I like to watch the news while I have my dinner so would appreciate if you could respect that the living room is for my use after 7:00. However, if I am out, or choose to go upstairs, by all means feel free to come down and watch telly on your own."

I've never had this problem. My nanny works long hours and by the time I get home from work she pretty much heads up to her room for a well deserved break (or out to the pub). Of course a nanny is a bit different from an au pair.

i am a nanny, but had similar sorts of problems as an au pair as in not knowing anybody, or the area.
Some tips i would advice is to make sure she has a decent tv/DVD in their room (i'm not saying brand new just works well!) If you have sky/ntl maybe have a box in her room, or if thats to expensive, get her a free view box (they are only about £30)
Also make sure you give her a tour of your area, including supermarket, local town centre, blockbusters-i was only pointed in the right direction and it took me a couple of months to realise i was stopping at some local shops, not the town centre!!!!!!
Lastly introduce her to people! thats been my hardest task: to meet friends. Come on here and see who has nannys/au pairs in your area, who i am sure would be more than happy to meet with her.

Good luck (sorry if i have gone on!!)

What is a free view box?

Our au pair initially spent a lot of time on the computer. We didn't give her a television in her room because we said we'd rather she socialised with us - couldn't cope with not knowing someone I was sharing a house with personally! She acquired a boyfriend at the beginning of the year and goes out mid-week sometimes and takes herself off with him at weekends.

I think at least initially, you have to be super supportive and involve them in everything at the weekend particularly because it can be a really big deal to them to be living overseas and (having done it myself) you tend to feel pretty isolated. After the first month or two, they're likely to feel more settled and need less from you. If you like your au pair and want to keep her, ensuring she is happy is an integral part of the deal, imo...

so that you can get free view, its more channels than the standard 5 but not as many as sky/ntl, and there is no monthly contract you just buy it (from comet/dixsons/argos) plug it in and you have about 30 channels.

I also do things with my family at weekends sometimes, like if they go to the cinema they invite me, its definatly the little things like that that are very appreciated. I agree with mumbump with the keeping her happy thing, once she is here there will always be oportunites to get another job, so make her feel like part of the family.

i like my own space in the evenings and prefer to watch T.V with a glass of wine with DH usually the lounge becomes mine after 9pm and AP drifts off on the computer. I agree with decent T.V and freeview. Equally we like to include AP at weekends and whenever possible to take her on trips out. I usually find that once AP starts to make friends in the area and at language school we start to see less of AP in the evening and at weekend. We have had one AP that wasn,t interested in going out much and very independent and v.happy doing their her own thing.

I think it is mean to expect an Au-Pair to spend all her time in her room, the au-pair experience should be more of a being part of a family experience.

You should at least for the first few weeks welcome her into your family & then if she hasn't made any friends (which she should do at language school) you could suggest she goes onto Nannyjob website for instance to see if there are any girls in your area who are also looking for friends.

agree, its mean to resent her being around in the evenings.
however, ime, they are usually out enjoying themselves, or glued to the internet, so you probably havent got anything to worry about.
Get her evening language classes, that should take care of several evenings per week, and also she will meet other au pairs, for evening socialising.
as a general rule, au pair out partying every night = happy au pair.

How can an Au-Pair afford to go out every night???

Hi,
Ive been an au pair and a nanny. I have worked abroad and also in London. I didnt know a soul anywhere. What I would say is, I never had the TV or DVD or whatever in my room either. At the beginning, if you are young and new to the area you are pretty dependant on your family. you can feel very vunerable. So as an employer...get armed with local info. Try the local library. If your kids are young why not let her take them to the local mother and toddler group or a music group or something like that. she is likely to meet other au pairs and nannys there. I made friends when I was an au pair that I have to this day! (more than 20 years later!)
If she is foreign then maybe English evening classes. Im afraid having an au pair part of the deal for sheaper childcare is the fact that you are menat to look after them a bit. but you can become great friends too.
I did some great things with the mother of the kids I looked after. Such as swimming with dolphins...memories for life! her hubby didnt want to! I felt like a valued member of the family, but it doesnt mean she shouldnt be sensitive and leave you alone sometimes too. I got good at reading signs and would disappear when I felt we all needed a break!

Lots of luck!

Oh just had another thought...when I was an au pair forst I was in Miami on a very very low wage. It was pocket money really....so couldnt afford to do much. the family would sometimes suggest I go to the cinema, and they would drop me and pay for it sometimes too. I would stay all evening and walk back! It was a huge treat for me, boosted my outings and whatever...I felt Id had a treat and boy was I grateful...Im sure it showed in my attitude! LOL
then again i did earn it I cleaned, washed, ironed and by the end I was doing the gardening and decorating! But thats another story!

scottish thistle, they just do. Im not their mums, so I dont ask for details, but going out doesnt have to involve spending loads of money.

Hellooooooooooo MOJO Didn't know it was this week she was over! No advice to add as you well know, I've never used an au pair. BUT, if you want me to ask my mindees mum if her au pair would like to meet up with yours, let me know and I'll see what they say! Their au pair is 19 and from Slovakia.

Sent you email earlier so just reply on that if you want me to ask

By the way, when are you planning on her starting?

Mojo
My prospective ap is coming to stay for a few days soon - in a similar way to your Spanish one.

I just wondered what she did when she was with you and whether you got her to do any work or just got to know each other?

My nanny tends to spend 7pm to 9pm on the computer chatting to her friends in NZ (in our study/playroom) and then tends to go down to her room about 9pm to watch ER, Des HW etc. She has a freeview and a DVD player with her TV in her room. I think that's fair....

Nanny & Au-Pair are two very different things!!!

I agree Scottish thistle. Both in what is expected for them to do and what they need back. I was an au pair in Florida and did need a bit of hand holding! I guess I was young. Later on after more experience and during training as a teacher I need set hours, as an au pair my hours were not set at all and I found I worked nearly every waking hour! I went to evening classes after work and visited my boyfriennd at weekends and it was much more of a "proper job" if you know what ~i mean. I didnt need my hand held and didnt want it1 LOL

the main thing is to think what you want and be honest at interviews. Then everyone knows what to expect.

I agree with scottish thistle too! I would never ask an aupair to make herself absent from the living room after a certain time as I think it would be crushing to them. I "rescued" an aupair from a family that made her eat in the kitchen while the family dined in the dining room wtf!!?

Emphasis on giving them a nice room with mod cons as described, language college etc and you really will find that they like their privacy too.

Scottish T, I have an asussie aupair, thanks for the info on nannyjob.co and the toddler group idea

Indiajane your very welcome!...When I moved to the other side of London I found Nannyjob a godsend & made a couple of very good friends through it!

thanks for all your advice I think the reality of sharing my lounge with someone has hit home..which sounds a bit mean, but isn't meant to. I wouldn't want to be unwelcoming.

The website is a good idea & yes, she could come to the toddler group.

Boo64, my DD1 is normally in preschool all day, but I took her out so she could spend some time with au-pair. In the morning we all trooped off to a coffee morning (I'm part of the NCT & it was a one off coffee meeting), so not much fun for her. I had intended on taking us all off for a walk/park/coffee visit it, but DD2 had to go to the drs in the middle of the afternoon so that plan was scuppered. We ended up being in most of the afternoon, so DD1 had a great time playing with her & aupair seemed happy. We all went to Blubeckers for tea, which was quite nice. I felt a bit bad that I hadn't made as much effort as I could have done, but friends pointed out that it's better to be doing realistic things, rather than entertaining her...don't want to set false expectations etc.

She sent me an e-mail last night saying she was home safe & she felt comfortable in our home.

My au pair of 4 months 2 years ago refused to eat with us, even though I had written it into the contract, rarely spoke with me except to ask for a rise or complain about the Uk and the food (she was unpleasable and insatiable) and stayed in her room or went out to the gym TOO much-we didn't give her a tv straightaway to help with her English, but that didin't work in this case. It was a real pain at weekends, she was always cooking greasy concoctions, using all the pans, and leaving messes, and we were very uncomfortable-she was always THERE, this rather unhappy, overweight-and-stressed-about-it, malevolent presence that in turm made us feel unhappy. Most happy au pair or nanny employers I've met seem to lose them to distant boyfriends every weekend.

I had a friend's niece for a summer week last year and she was very interactive with me, a lovely girl, but I was utterly worn out and felt we were entertaining her, taking her to see all the sights of London-can't face having her again.

Hard to strike the right balance-I need help, not another child to care for.

No experience yet as still recruiting but I'd say write it into your intital letters etc. I've put this:

We would expect that you might eat with us 1 or 2 times a week and join in occasional family trips. However, as a host family we would normally expect to have some private time to ourselves, particularly in the evenings. During this time, our au pair might retire to his or her room to watch TV or study, or go out with friends from language school.

I do realise that an au pair might be young and lonely - although we are activly trying to recruit someone who is outgoing and who has been abroad before.
On the other hand I don't expect any teenager or young adult to want to spend their entire time with an older married couple!
And I don't think tis out of line for us to want some alone time as a couple.

I would include an au pair on weekend activites involving DS but if me and DH are going out I don't think we'd want a 19 yr old playing gooseberry! And sometimes we will want time just as a family as well, me DH and DS.

We're offering a TV/DVD + freeview, broadband wireless internet in the au pairs room. I'll also show them around clubs, theatre, pubs, cafe's, bowling, live music venues, cinema, swimming baths, gym, ice hockey arena (we're looking for a canadian) etc that are all open in the evenings and all accessible within a 30 minute walk of our house.

the au pairs round here used to all gather in the wine bar and have one drink that lasted all night.

Sunnyjim - in my experience you'll be lucky to get many serious replies if you write that. The Canadians, like the Australians are pretty high in demand and can pick and choose their families.

Let me know how you get on though