Au Pair has wrecked her bathroom WWYD

[Pigsinablanket]

My 26 year old Au pair has her boyfriend staying this week. Somehow the heavy double sink unit in her en suite has come off the wall.
She told me this afternoon, showed me the damage and said she was leaning on it last night whilst brushing her teeth and it "fell off the wall".
She was sitting her English exam this evening so I didn't discuss it further. The brackets attaching the unit to the wall are completely bent out of shape and the only way I can see this happening is if excessive weight has been put on the unit .
She didn't mention it to my husband when she saw him this morning before he was leaving for work, which makes me suspect they were going to try and fix it and not say a word.
She is leaving at the end of February anyway.
Should I ask her to pay for the damage ?
I am more upset at the fact that I think she has lied to me about how it happened and would it be an overreaction if I asked her to leave sooner than planned .?

Our sink in our bathroom recently fell off the wall (although onto the floor because I was there and sort of caught it and balanced it on the unit) I wasn't shagging on it. Our bathroom is 10 years old though....

I think the boyfriend is another issue.
I said he could stay the night when he arrived back from travelling ( he is from here) but he is still here a week later. She has put 15000 miles on the car in 8 months travelling to see him every weekend and I've just forked out for another new set of tyres for her car. she drove 160 miles to the airport last week to collect him on a day she was "working " and I imagine she plans to do the same when he leaves on Thursday . I'm beginning to feel like a mug to be honest.

Pigsinblanket you do sound a bit humourless. If you can afford an au pair, you can afford to get it fixed. Just say something to her like 'no more acrobatics in the bathroom please' with a knowing wink! She will be mortified!

and yes, ban the boyfriend!

You should've said no to that much mileage and booted the bf out after a couple of nights!

Piggy, you sound lovely, but you need to toughen up, if you act like a doormat, you'll get walked on, I know that sounds cruel, but that isn't my intention. Tell her now calmly, that he has to leave today, also she is not permitted to drive him to the airport in your car, when she is supposed to be working. If she decides to leave, so be it, you haven't lost anything. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.💐

They were 100% shagging. She should be offering to help pay.

Just let her know " it would take the weight of two people to break that" and leave it at that. I wouldn't expect her to admit they were shagging on it lmao

You feel like a mug because you're agreeing to things you don't want to. If she asks to do something you don't want to say yes to- don't say yes!

Firstly - the situation with the car is insane. Do you live in a remote area though? My instinct is that you are in a place where it can be hard to recruit. Also, the boyfriend. What is up with that? We do allow partners to stay but a week? I agree that she sounds like she's taking the proverbial but many do seem to go a bit demob happy at the end of their stay.

Regarding the sink, I would be curious what the person repairing thinks happened, how much weight would have to have been put on it for it to come off the wall. COuld she have been standing on it to do something like fix a lightbulb?

I have to say that when we were choosing our bathroom a few years ago, plenty of builders would have been happy to install an unsuitable unit, if we'd bought it, without bothering to note any risks. There was one we loved which the planner at the store was happy to sell to us; thankfully we had builder who spoke up. Same with kitchens. So I would just bear this in mind as a by the by.

15,000 miles! Surely her insurance doesn't cover her for that amount in a year (you could use that as an excuse for her not to drive down).

I wouldn't stress about it too much though she's only got a few months left- make sure she doesn't put too many miles on the car in the next month. If you usually get your au pairs an end of stay bonus/gift, forgo that and it will cover some the cost of the sink repair. Maybe just get her a photo card instead.

She sounds like her main priority is the BF, and everything else is just an afterthought.

Is there any way you can get her to leave early, her heart is obviously not in it.

I'd be more concerned about the abuse of the car tbh. That's insane mileage, even if you live in the arse-end of beyond!

Thanks all . Had a chat with her this evening . She is clear that in the moment the unit came off the wall that she was simply standing beside/ leaning lightly on it. She has said in the past she may have overloaded it e.g. sitting the baby on the sink which may have weakened the attachments to the wall. I do believe her . I realise I have let my frustration about the car mileage and hosting her boyfriend build up and think this is why I reacted so humourlessly! I have asked him to move on, which he took surprisingly well and he is upstairs now packing his bag . She is going to drive him home tonight ..another 200 mile round trip😉
I will chalk this one up to experience and be less of adoormat ongoing . This is our second au pair and overall it has been a great experience, Thanks again for the perspective x

Very well done Piggy, I hope you are feeling much more in control of the situation now. Sometimes our anxieties do cloud our vision.
You're not a doormat, you're a nice person, unfortunately, some people feel the need to take advantage of this. 🌺

she was simply standing beside/ leaning lightly on it.

Well in all my years, I have never come across, or even heard of, this happening.

But if you're happy to leave it like this, then fine.

If she's telling the truth, it was either badly fitted or there's a fault with the sink.

I have lied through my teeth (not with something like this though!) to ensure I wasn't found out so don't just take her word as she may just be a brilliant liar.

However as she's off next month just leave it.

Also a baby sitting on a sink would not weaken it that much, is he a giant baby or something?! Disclaimer held next door's almost 5 month old at the weekend almost broke my arm! And his mum admitted he was almost in 6 month old babygros!

To rack up 15000 miles on your car in 8 months is completely taking the piss!

Well.. I have a thing somewhere that estimates the weight reuired to drag a normall mounted basin off a wall.. I am in inventory clerk, it is part of the info I collect for Check Outs and bolshy Tenants and Landlords... especially in student lets

I can't find it but do remember being shocked at the weight - a baby elephant type load! The regular fixings for wall mounted basins, toilets etc are are surprisingly strong, given that people do lean on them, for years!

Ah ha! 30 stone.... I knew I had it somewhere! But, that's for the poshest of purpose built wall hung bathrooms.

A normal basin's holding strength is governed by the the strength of plaster board ... every 12" spread has 40lb pull strength and 3 (ish) times that in shear (down force) strength, so 3 x 40lbs = 120lbs(ish) (possibly x 2, depending on your plaster board and screw fixings) - 2 people shagging on it could pull it off, but a toddler would not!

Ah, the stuff what I know

I have asked him to move on, which he took surprisingly well and he is upstairs now packing his bag . She is going to drive him home tonight ..another 200 mile round trip

They are both totally taking the piss and wondering when you are going to call them out on it. I think many aupairs count on Brits finding such conversations difficult and steadily pushing the limits until they are practically sitting on your head. Meanwhile you are like a frog in boiling water ...

Fortunately I am not a Brit and don't have any problem with setting out to my aupairs what my expectations and limits are. I have a fulsome set of house rules to set the scene and then actually saying no when needed. I am battle hardened.

She is going to drive him home tonight ..another 200 mile round trip

and you have allowed this why?

My DS2 did this( no shagging involved) . He was quite a little boy, I think about 4 and managed to pull a sink off while brushing his teeth! It wasn't at our house and the bathroom was solidly made and less than 10 years old. It happened easily .... I think that accidents happen. You can't accuse her of more than that as she has given you an explanation. She is living as a member of your family and unlikely to be in a position to easily pay . .... on phone so apologies for punctuation !

I think the sink is a separate issue but it's the thing that broke the camels back. Why did you let her take the car every weekend? There are trains and buses. I think that this is what's bugged you the most, surely. You've really let yourself be treated appallingly. In future, perhaps be a bit more assertive.

First rule of having au-pairs- make some rules and stick to them. The fact she is in your house doesn't make her one of your children, so you get to say no to stuff. (I am an ex au-pair)

I've had 2 similar sink experiences, one was dd at her friend's house when she was 7. The hingey thing literally just morphed and the whole thing came off. Luckily there was a vanity underneath or dd would have been hurt. The second was at Christmas in a hotel in London, I was brushing my teeth, heard an ominous rumble and next minute the sink had keened over to the left.

They were probably shagging, but you'll never know.