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CM's Advice Needed Please, Regular poster but anon for a reason.

26 replies

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 15:40


I do post on here but to keep confidential i am using a different name.
I would really appreciate any comments from parents and Cm's and understand there may be a difference of opinion but here goes.

One child i have for part of the week cries almost all day from drop off to pick up.
Child 'A' is a baby and is so lovely when happy which tends to be when you are carrying 'A' around, which in the life of a childminder isn't possible for a whole day.
Child 'A' hasn't been coming for very long although in the time, it has become obvious 'A' is used to just 1 on 1 attention and not left to play, or not been around other children, as any time another child comes near we have a rage of jealousy and screaming.
Dinnertimes are a nightmare as 'A' cries and often refuses to eat and this upsets the other children in my care.
I have my own children who are now starting to get very upset and agitated by the continious crying.
If we are all playing together and i go to stand up 'A' will scream, if i take the children to wash hands which is in eye view, 'A' screams.
I feel very sad as it is affecting my family for example my young child turns into a 'baby' when 'A' is crying too....aswell as upsetting other charges, not to mention a poor baby who is obviously just unsettled maybe due to the fact the attention isn't all on them, which isn't the babies fault.
It is a real tricky situation as i don't know what is best for all concerned.
I have spoken to many people in the CM and parent circle and they have advised maybe the best thing is to give notice as its not fair on anyone with a baby this sad.
I do have families on a list wanting the space so from my point it'd be fine but at the moment my main concern is happiness all round.
I would love any opinions and if anyone had dealt with this id love to hear back


OP posts:
hunkermunker · 21/01/2007 15:44

Have you told this baby's parents how upset s/he gets?

I'd not be happy to leave such an upset baby with anyone, for everybody's sake!

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 15:53

Yes i have..... Like most we keep a diary, but i also focus on the 'happy' moments which are there occasionally.
I am not kidding by the end of every day, i have a headache and my own seek attention madly...
Every other day childminding is fine and always have been, and mine are happy as usual.
I have years of childcare experience and have never had a baby so unsettled.
Luckily i am a very calm person and don't get stressed to easily but i don't think any amount of time will settle 'A'
I feel 'A' is so used to one on one thats all that 'A' will know and want.
I'm so torn and as much as i would like to try and persivere, is that the best option all round? Me thinks not.........

OP posts:
NAB3 · 21/01/2007 15:55

I think you need to be honest with the parents. If this was my child and I wasn't told I would not be happy at all.

amynnixmum · 21/01/2007 15:56

When I was minding another childminder I know had the same problem and in the end she felt she had no choice but to terminate the contract. She really agonised about the decision as she didn't want to let the baby's parents down but in the end the constant crying was affecting her and her children as well as her other mindee. The parents were a bit put out and I know she felt bad about that but it was definately the right decision for her.

Good luck with it whatever you decide

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 16:02

The parents are aware, my comment meant that i also let them know when 'A'is happy.

Wow sound likes exactly the same as here. If i do go down that route i will feel terrible too as i really like the family but it would be for the best for everyone i am sure.

Oh this is what i don't like about childminding!!

OP posts:
NAB3 · 21/01/2007 16:04

Then I think you need to decide if you want to continue looking after this child. You have to put yourself and your children first. The parents should want to take A away if they aren't happy anyway! No reflection on you, some children just need something different.

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 16:08

Yes i agree completely. In my years in childcare i have cared for so many children, and each child is totally different to the next-i do appreciate this.

I have some big decisions to make and i will approach 'A's' parents i think tommorow if the day is no better.


OP posts:
amynnixmum · 21/01/2007 16:08

She had this baby for about 3 months in the end it took her so long to come to a decision - and she cried pretty much all day, every day from day one. She talked to the parents about it after the first couple of weeks but they wanted her to keep having their child. She is a pretty laid back person but during this time she became really tense and like you she ended up with a headache every time she looked after this baby.

It sounds to me as though you have already come to a decision about what would be best but feel badly about letting the parents down but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your family.

NAB3 · 21/01/2007 16:16

You do have to give a childcare arrangemtn time for everyone to settle but in some cases it isn't going to get better.

saltire · 21/01/2007 16:25

I had a child like this. I can completely understand what you feel like, how tense and wound up you will be, and how upset all the other children will be.
You need to discuss it with his/her parents.
How old is the child?
Is he/she an only child?

Cwmbranchildminder · 21/01/2007 16:30

HOW long has the baby been coming?
Sometimes babies just dont click with the minder adn that is nothing personal but I would speak to mum adn say if the baby is still unhappy within the next xx weeks or mth then you'll have no choice but to terminate contract as it would be best all round. See what they say?

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 16:30

Hi, I agree with everything you wrote, by the ned of the days i am exhausted and feel like crying myself.
I don't want to say too much but 'A' is under a year old and yes an only child.
We do discuss it at end of the days 'A' is here but feel this week maybe a bigger talk is in need....
I feel if it wasn't for my own/and other charges being so confused and distressed by the crying i would try and give it more of a go, but its a horrible situation to have to be in.

OP posts:
Itssocold · 21/01/2007 16:35

Again have to b careful bout how long incase people put 2+2 together but to give you an idea a total of around 70 hours.
Sorry to sound mad but want to protect the parent/child/myself....I am Sure you understand.

And yes your idea is a good one, but personally if it was my child that upset i know what i would do...x

OP posts:
saltire · 21/01/2007 16:40

The reason i asked was because the child i had was
A) An only child, who had been held almost 24/7 by his mum, his chair was always rocked, or she carried him in a sling, or she stood for hours pushing his pram.
B) This child was under a year old
C) He had sleep problems - he never slept at all, properly. This of course contributed to his grumpiness during the day.
D) He was teething, and this was another problem at the cause of all the crying. His mum wouldn't give him calpol. At all. I remember calling her at work and pleading with her on teh phone to allow me to give the child calpol, he was screaming, and i had enough knowledge of children to realise that's what it was. But no, "i don't believe in givng him drugs".
All thse problem added up to make him a very grumpy little boy. I was physically and emotinally shattered at the end of every day, my DH would come home and i would be almost crying.
I'm not saying this what is wrong with your child A, but they are things to perhaps consider. In the end told the parents that i couldn't have a child who had no sleep pattern, no routine, and was obviously in so much distress with his teething pain. It upset me to see him so upset. They eventually came round and we had calpol, a better sleep routine (in that the parents stopped holding him to sleep) etc. These things may not work though.
I really do know how you feel. I have days like this with the mindee i just mentioned's brother, when he is tired and won't sleep, he gets very grumpy and clingy. I am so fed up by the end of the day.

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 16:52

Thank you Saltire.

I hope you dont think i was being rude by being so vague......

The baby is from what i understand held quite alot and never in a room by herself, and i can remember being like this with my own! So its only natural i suppose with a 1st child.

'A' has a good sleep routine in the night just very brief in the day and also yes toothy pegs appearing but the calpol doesn't do the trick and i can sense a very angry 'WHY YOU WON'T CARRY ME AROUND cry!!'

I agree with your comment it upsets you to see a baby upset, me too completely and its just not fair on any of us...

OP posts:
mumlove · 21/01/2007 17:09

I have had this before with some of my mindees until they crawled or walked.

Has child A got any idea's about crawling?
Child might be frustrated at sitting on the floor when everyone else can move around.
If old enough to crawl can you help with it (I call it crawling lessons).

saltire · 21/01/2007 17:11

No i don't think you are being rude at all.
At the end of the day, it's not just you to consider, yes it's making you stressed, but you also need to consider the other children, including your own Dc. I would speak to the parents, and put it that their child is obviously upset, and distressed. Ask them if they can think of any ways to help settle A, and pperhaps try their ideas for a week or two. If it's still not working, baby still getting upset etc, then re-think and give them notice. If you ahve a waiting list then you shouldn't have any probs filling the space. HTH. You have my sympathy.

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 17:18

Thank you....
Its so much apreciated and all taken on board.

Crawling is nowhere near happening yet, the crying i feel is just frustation as not getting 100% attention and stimulation to A's self.

I am going to see how this week goes on and have a chat if no better with view to giving notice. I know now that i am changing my 2wk no notice period for settling in to 2 yrs LOL!!!

Thanks again.... xxx

OP posts:
ThePrisoner · 21/01/2007 17:26

I know childminders who have persevered for many many months with babies like this one. It has disrupted their own family life, reduced the childminder to tears on occasions, and makes day-to-day life difficult. Some of them have managed to work through it, others gave notice (and felt immeasurable guilt).

I have never had to deal with a child who is so miserable (I've just had really really "challenging behaviour"!!!), so it is difficult to say how I would act myself. None of us like to admit defeat, but you really do have to think of your own family and your own health.

Twiglett · 21/01/2007 17:28

I think you need to tell the parents that their child is simply not ready for this kind of childcare situation and they need to look at alternative arrangements and give them notice

BuffysMum · 21/01/2007 17:38

only other suggestion I can offer is perhaps shorter stints every day for a week or two/three ie everyday for 2 hours but that in those 2 hours you do not resort to carrying baby around etc with a view to buiding it up or you could do 2 hours plus babies nap. Perhaps you can discuss with the parents that at the end of this period if it has not improved then really their only option is a nanny!

Please don't see it as admitting defeat no child should be left that unhappy and you cannot espect to give 100% attention like the parents have been.

I'm speaking as Mum who had a screamer for 5 months due to silent reflux - it was hell wouldn't wish miserable screaming baby on anyone.


kkey21 · 21/01/2007 17:55

I couldn't do the 2 hours a day due to the fact the child is under one and takes up the baby space, therefore on the other days my numbers would be over...
equally for my own families sanity its just not fair....for the amount of stress V Money for 2 hours!
I am going to see this week and take it from there.

Itssocold · 21/01/2007 17:55

Oops oh well!!

OP posts:
dmo · 21/01/2007 19:13

i have just had a little girl start on monday last week she is 9 mths old
she does 8.30am until 3.30pm mon and fri
and she has screamed!!!!
the week b4 she came for a couple of visits but cryed and on monday she cryed all day
mum said she is teething
on friday she cryed until 2ish and then i had half hour while she was intrested in the toys i was showing her, the pram walks dont even stop her crying
i'm lucky in a way as i only have 1 other mindee on a mon and fri who arrives at 1pm so i have the morning with the baby but friday night i cancelled my plans and was in bed by 6.30pm
i am dreading tomorrow but i hope that its just settling in crys and in a couple of weeks we will be fine

ev1esmum · 21/01/2007 21:00


Just to say it may be a phase. I have a mindee who went thru a phase of screaming whenever I moved 2 feet away from her. It got really bad, I stopped leaving the house, going to toddlers as it got really stressful. The older kids got fed up too.

However one day it just stopped, I could go from the living room to the kitchen without her screaming blue murder. She is great now. She was just over 1 at the time and lasted a few months. I so nearly gave up.

Hope this helps

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