Advice needed

[JadeFeather]

Hi all

I work in the city and have long hours leaving home around 7 and returning around 7/8. I am planning to buy a house and start a family soon. I would like to return to work and could look at possibly one day working from home but I can't see my employer being more flexible than that. My mother has offered to help with childcare as she would like to help me and also gets quite bored at home. My mum lives in an area that has really gone downhill and schools are bad so I wouldn't be buying there. She needs to be close to this area because she takes my grandmother to her hospital appointments and visits her every other day to check she's ok. There are other areas 15-20 mins away from where my mum is which are very nice and have good schools but we couldn't afford a 3 bedroom house- could just about get a 2 bed flat. As we plan to have a small family (2 children) I don't know whether it's a good idea to settle for a smaller place. The alternative is to get a big house in a nice area with good schools that's 30 minutes away. This would mean dropping the baby at mums on a Sunday and picking up mid week and maybe one day at q childminders to get interaction with other kids. Has anyone here done this? I recently met a friend who does this (her mums lives an hour away!) but I lost her contact details so havent been able to ask how she finds it. I could do the external childcare thing but aside from cost I just think I would be more comfortable with my mum doing it and I know she can teach the child certain things eg our heritage language that are important to me. I'm just worried that I'm being naive and I would appreciate any thoughts on this arrangement.
Thanks!

I might be wrong, but I think you would really really struggle to separate from your baby for several nights every week. It's hard enough when you don't see them all day, they change so quickly and they miss you so much, it doesn't sound like a great plan to be honest.

Couldn't your mum come to your house instead? I understand she needs to see your grandmother, but 30 minutes from where you live is nothing. (if your mum is well of course).

It's really hard to have a baby in a flat: prams are a pain if you are anywhere else than ground floor, neighbours noise can be a real nuisance if you try to have a routine for your kids (and many people seem to find acceptable to make a racket until 11pm every night, or worst).
That said, it's not impossible, but a 2 bed flat would mean 2 kids in one bedroom. You will feel crowded very quickly.

I would go for a house any time. The costs of moving are ridiculous (stamp duty and everything), so I would try to get the best house I possibly can now, and hope your mum can commute to your home. Good luck

I agree that, for most people, if would be very difficult go be apart from a baby for half the week - if you are leaving the baby on Sunday and then collecting him/her mid-week. Also, would your mother be able to cope with such a huge responsibility? It can be exhausting for a young mother to cope with a baby who won't settle in the evening or who wakes throughout the night - much worse if you are a generation older. Your mother is already coping with the responsibility of her own mother and it may be that the arrangement breaks down, leaving you in difficulties. I would not make such a serious decision as buying a house based on the assumption that this arrangement would work.

I have a 14 month old. I wouldn't leave her for half the week. We would miss her far too much. I reduced my hours to 30 over 4 days and my daughter goes to nursery for the 4 days.

I also agree, my daughter still doesn't sleep through, and caring for her is relentless. Half a week is a lot when they're not your child.

You can't plan thus stuff now. Even when you're pregnant you've no idea how you'll feel once baby arrives. I think it's unlikely you'll think your proposed arrangement is a good one. Far more likely that you'll want to do everything in your power to reduce your/dp's working hours

I cannot understand why you would want a child for only half a week..

I also think you are asking an awful lot of your mum. Does she want to raise your child for you half the time.

Assuming your mum wants that baby for that time..What would you do if she becomes ill. unwell.

Could you and your mum pool resources so that you buy somewhere convenient together? So that she is in your home and hers for babysitting, and you would get to see the baby?
But 12 hour days when you've got a baby will be quite difficult to manage.

I wouldn't worry about schools too much at the moment, you're not even pregnant yet, and schools can change a lot over 3/4 years (from outstanding to special measures or the other way).

Do you have a partner? Would they be involved in childcare? And just because your mum would help, does she actually mean total responsibility several days a week, every week?How would she manage that whilst looking after granny? And as far as childminders are concerned, there's very few who would do 7am-8pm, and nurseries often close by 6.

Personally I'd go for a house now in a cheaper area. I think also try to get some savings behind you to give yourself more options once you have a baby. Childcare is a nightmare, and really expensive - it's great if your mum can help out, but you need to talk to her at length about exactly what you would both need and expect, once the baby actually arrives. So much can change, it's all just theoretical right now.

Thanks. It seems like this is not an advisable arrangement then. It's useful to have all your views as I am not yet a parent.

The alternative could be that I stay with mum for the three days so she can help with child care during the day. Or ask her if she would possibly be able to stay with us for the three days as someone suggested. I think you're all right in that looking after baby during the night will be tough for her. Btw how do you working mums manage it?!

My mum has always said that she is happy to help as much as she can if she remains well enough. Her own mother refused to help her and my mum has always felt a bit sad about having to give up working and doesn't want the same for me. Initially I had asked her if she would consider moving in with us if we buy a house where we presently are (one hour away) as my parents are thinking about downsizing at some stage, but she said this wouldn't be possible because she needs to check in on my grandmother (she's not a full time carer for her she just gives her company and helps her with appointments and shopping).

To the question as to what I would do if my mother couldn't help or wasn't well- then it would have to be external childcare like most other people whether it's nurseries, childminders etc. I would prefer to have my mums help because I would feel more comfortable knowing my child is with someone who loves them and also as I mentioned above there are various cultural things like our language I would like my child to know. Not to mention of course the cost!

It would be wonderful if we could all get reduced hours but unfortunately it isn't possible in all jobs. The best I can see my company offering is one day working from home. I need to stay where I am because for the area I am in my company pays better than most (although not nearly enough!) I need to carry on here so that we can afford pay a mortgage for a house. The alternative is to buy a flat and then maybe I can reduce hours and take a pay cut but I'm always being advised against flats by parents.

My husband is well qualified but poorly paid. He is looking to sort out his career and we are hoping he can move into something better soon. He is very flexible and happy to help but obviously would depend on his future employer. And before anyone says it he couldn't give up work totally either.

It is really tough. Sometimes I feel like the only way is to become a full time SAHM but it's just not me. I need to work for my own sanity and I want to give my kids a decent standard of living. Sometimes I think maybe I should just give up on the idea of having children but that makes me really sad. I hope I will find a way.

I think the one thing that does become clear once baby arrives is just how much you will sacrifice to spend time with him/her.

So whilst now you can't imagine cutting hours, changing career to facilitate that, living on one income or a dramatically reduced income, once a baby arrives you will look at all those things as real possibilities

I also work in the City. I've returned full time. I couldn't leave my baby for half the week. Leaving her each morning with our nanny is hard enough. As for the night waking so, you just somehow get through it. My concentration span and memory are terrible as a result of sleep deprivation but I manage to do my job somehow!

My Mum is over 30 minutes away from us, when she looked after my children one day a week she would collect them from DH in the morning after I had left for work and I would pick them up after work, change them into pyjamas and they would often fall asleep on the way home. I didn't work as long hours as you, but it worked for us. If you could share the journeys with DH or your Mum or both then 30 minutes would probably work fine. You could always use a combination of Mum and nursery so that they still get some exposure to your culture but don't have to travel as much.

Thanks for sharing all your experiences and views it's really useful.
Apple and blackberry that's what I really want to do- a mixture of mum and nursery. I don't want to overburden my mum and exhaust her so if nursery was needed that would be fine, I would need her help with drop off and pick up if I couldn't get flexible working hours. I also recognise the advantages of external childcare. The real issue I guess is that I don't know how manageable it will be if mum is 30 minutes away. Just wish we could afford to live closer!
Sometimes I think we should wait until we are in a position where husbands salary can cover mortgage plus a little extra so if I need to reduce my hours it's not such a big hit. I'm 29 though and from what I read I get scared that I might regret leaving it later.

If your husband doesn't work such long hours could he do the drop offs and pick ups? Could he apply for flexible working?

Could you transfer your skills and experience to a job that could be done outside London? The rest of the country can be really quite civilised and you can get a decent family home for less than £250,000 in many cities. Keep your mind open to the other possibilities - being away from your baby 12 hours a day even 4 days a week will be very tough.

If your mum could come and stay in your house for the three days, so that you could see your baby after work and be responsible for him/her at night, that would be an ideal solution. Would she be happy doing that?

Definitely don't let this put you off having children, though - you'll find a way through!

I would look into the cost and practicalities of a live-in nanny and see if that is workable. A live-in nanny is the most practical form of childcare if you need very long hours and they're the only type of childcare that will cover the night wakings if necessary.

On the days you want your baby to be with your mother the nanny could drive them in the morning and collect them in the afternoon, That way it's not too much for your mother and you get to see the baby in the morning and evening.

A nanny will take your baby to activities and playdates so that they can have time with other children and babies, so you don't need to worry about nursery as well.

It will be back-up if your mother is sick or your grandmother suddenly needs more care etc. Or your mother wants to go on holiday/have a day off.

Husband is planning to leave his present role but would be in the city (long hours!) as well most likely. I guess his hours will depend on what his new employers policy is around flexible working. He is going for very junior law firm roles and I imagine most aren't that flexible especially with someone who hasn't been there for ages but we will see I guess.
I know we both work in the city but I hope everyone understands that not all jobs pay huge amounts and the housing market is just crazy! If only we were all on over 100k each like those hotshot bankers ;)
I don't really see that it would be possible to change careers unless I go for an entry level role in something. Experience counts for everything in the present job market. I'm in an area that is still fairly niche so finding work outside london isn't that easy. My area of work is expected to be really thriving in another 5 years or so due to various changes so leaving it just isn't wise. Moving out of London would require us both to find work and with my area being niche and the husband trying to sort out his career london seems to have the best opportunities for both of us.
I will talk to mum about living with us for 3 days. I think this is probably going to be the most workable!

Live in nanny would be ideal but seems like you need to be able to put aside at least 3k a month?

It would depend on where you live, how qualified the nanny is and the hours you want them to work, but I don't think it would be 3k a month. That would be a very, very high wage for a live-in nanny.

Have a think about the hours you need and then look at job ads in the area you're planning to move to. That should give you an idea of going rate.

Thanks. If nanny were to drop the baby at mums for 3 days, would the hours that baby is with my mum still be considered working hours? I can see this type of arrangement working with an au pair for example who could then do their english studies whilst baby is with my mum (providing the au pair is able to drive and drop baby off!)

It would depend on what you agree tbh.

If you wanted the overnights covered, then you could ask the nanny to work 6pm-9am for example. So they leave your house at 6pm, pick the baby-up and bring it home, get it ready for bed, do any night feeds/wakings and then get up in the morning and drive it back to your mums for 9am. The daytimes would then be their time off to do as they like.

If you wanted some daytimes as well then you could ask for maybe 50 hours a week and divide it up as 7am-8pm Monday and Friday and then, 7am -9am and 5pm-8pm Tues, Weds and Thurs and one overnight a week (so you get at least some sleep). Or drop the overnight and pay for 40 hours a week.

It could work with an au pair if they were just driving the baby to your mums and back and maybe spending a hour or so with baby by themselves. An au pair wouldn't really be qualified/experienced enough to spend 7am-8pm in sole charge of a baby, so it would have to be 5 days with your mother, rather than just 3. Unless you working from home, in which case an au pair could supervise the baby with you close-by.

Thanks this all really helps!
So it seems like au pairs are really only useful for older children.
I will definitely look into the nanny option a bit more.

Au pairs vary greatly in age and experience, but generally they are for older children, yes. They are not paid enough to take on the responsibility of a small baby for up to 13 hours a day. They can babysit while the baby is sleeping, look after them for an hour or so (once you know them well enough to know they are competent), driving the baby to Grandma's would be fine, looking after them for a few hours while you work nearby is also ok. Definitely not for full-days, sole-charge care though.

It will also depend on your baby of course, if you get one that sleeps well and is generally a happy baby in a good routine you may be ok leaving it with someone with less experience. If you have a baby that is difficult to feed/settle then you need someone with the skills to deal with that. A constantly whinging/crying baby can be very testing, you don't want someone ill-equipped to deal with it losing their temper!

If you can afford it I would go with a nanny at least for the first two years and then switch to an au pair when your child is older.

Yes as others have said, I'd recommend a live in nanny. Your mum could be on hand when nanny is taking her annual leave or sick. Your mum could also do odd weekends for when you have date night with partner.

You mention you'd like to have 2 children? I had mine 17 months apart. A nanny would be the appropriate childcare if you had two in a couple of years as this would be too hard on your mum.

I'm finding it difficult to work out how much we would need to be able to afford a live in nanny? It seems it's usually around £10 per hour net so the total cost if you include taxes, pensions etc would be well over 2k a month, is that right? Thanks