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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Son started with a childminder today-he was very, very naughty

65 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 18:14

DS2 is 3 in 2 weeks. He had his first full day with a new childminder today and apparently he was very naughty and she had to speak to him sternly several times. I started a new job today and now I'm worried the childminder will cancel on me. How long do childminders usually give for settling in before deciding if it's not working? I'm feeling a bit anxious now.

OP posts:

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longdiling · 07/09/2015 19:58

Honestly MyGast, I would be very surprised if a childminder gave notice off the back of one bad session. Here's hoping he has a better day tomorrow

And needaninsight - that's stupidly harsh. He doesn't sound like any of those things. He sounds like a little boy who's been through a lot, like his mum.

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:01

Sorry, Long. I have little experience of childminders, so shouldn't have said that - I just imagined that they might not be able to afford him enough attention to sort out his issues, which hopefully are temporary.

OP - you have not failed, it is as I said an impossible situation and by doing what you have done already, which I don't imagine was easy, and do imagine was necessary - you have put his and your other DC's needs firmly at the front of your decisions and that makes you a super parent IMO.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this. I hope he settles. Did she seem to like him?

Bakeoffcake · 07/09/2015 20:03

So his parents have recently separated and he's started a new childminder? I'd say those are significant life changes, the CM should have had more sympathy and not have been so negative.

And some children laugh when they are told off, it's usually because of embarrassment. She should know this.

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:04

But I do think you need to stop thinking of his behaviour as naughty. It's just acting out. Looking at my tiny boy I know he would not behave badly if he knew what it meant, they don't get it at this age, they simply follow their own feelings and if they are confused or upset that will come out in odd ways. Not for ever. Patience is everything IMO.

He's too young for discipline as such. He needs stability in spades, if she can be part of that, so much the better. If she can't then ditch her or let her go and find someone who understands.

Cat2014 · 07/09/2015 20:05

Some posters are being very harsh on the little boy. He's 3!
Yes it sounds like he played up a bit but nothing major op, I disagree with people who are clutching pearls at it, come on- and please don't worry too much. Just agree a few strategies with the cm, eg the reins.

Husbanddoestheironing · 07/09/2015 20:07

I'm sure he will settle down if given the chance, you've had a tough few months by the sound of it Just a couple of ideas that might help. when other children are in our house I tend to say 'we don't do that in this house' wrt the jumping on furniture thing as it does vary and I understand that, but I don't like it on my furniture and it makes things clear kindly without making a fuss or implying that their own house rules are 'wrong'. Maybe you could suggest a similar phrase to your CM?
Also having had a child who is a 'Bolter' definitely suggest reins or a backpack with harness and 'lead' for the school run. However many times I told him my youngest would get distracted and run off otherwise. Just enthusiastic rather than naughty! In fact i had to keep the reigns in my bag as a threat until he was nearly six, just as a reminder to be pulled out if he did start running. Never had to actually use them after he started school though, ( I think the thought of the embarrassment did the trick). Hope it all works out for you.

longdiling · 07/09/2015 20:10

How can the childminder have sympathy for a situation she knows nothing about? How do you know she was negative and unsympathetic? You can deal with a child's behaviour sternly and still be positive overall. Should she have just allowed him to snatch off other children? To frighten a pet? To run down the road unsupervised? All of these behaviours needed dealing with and getting down to a child's level and telling them sternly 'no, we don't snatch/we don't run off/we don't bang on the hutch' does not make her an unsympathetic harridan.

And actually all this whipping the already upset OP into a frenzy about how awful the childminder must be isn't actually helping. It's far too early days to be making that judgement and it's unfair to panic the OP into thinking she should be finding a new childminder!!

Scarydinosaurs · 07/09/2015 20:13

She won't give notice, please try not to worry about that. It's your anxiety about the job/past six months that's making you worry about that. It would not be a reasonable reaction to give notice to you.

Ok, so, going forward- could you text her to say you'll drop him off with reins and that you've spoke to him about the blinds and hutch? It will all be fine. Did he say he had a nice day?

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:17

Who are all these 2yo children you have who can be rationalised with/say whether their day went well/control their behaviour after being spoken to?

None of mine are or were that rational or self controlled. They are all lovely - no behaviour problems at school or with others - but as toddlers they have zero control over how they behave. They really don't.

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:19

and my 2yo bolts at any opportunity, and may behave sweetly at Grandma's but then he will get cross when he's back home with me. He does not understand. He knows I'll be back, but not why I have to go or why he feels sad when I have gone.

It's not a tragedy but it does need to be handled with a bit of tact towards the child, not an accusation of 'naughtiness' as though he were secretly plotting. The time from brain to action is a split second in a toddler. It isn't consciously bad behaviour.

wanderingwondering · 07/09/2015 20:23

Sympathies op. For the record his behaviour sounds a lot like my ds's who is 3. Not excusing it and I do discipline him but it's an constant battle.

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:26

I don't discipline mine, well, damage limitation of course but nothing psychological iyswim. Or physical. There's no need to, it passes, they become more human.

QueenFrusso · 07/09/2015 20:26

Don't panic just yet, check how long is settling in in your contract? And how long is notice period after that time?
Then you need to work with your childminder to help your son settle and learn the rules and expected behaviour of the setting.
Tell her what works for you, and what you're happy for her to try,
Bolting is a danger, especially as she will have other dcs with her and unable to chaise.
Pre warning of a bolter is useful, and is a drop and refuse to move-er, but she knows this now, and knows you are happy for her to use reins.

Having to tell a child off for unwanted behaviour (hitting a rabbit hutch, running off dangerous and messing with blind again can be dangerous isn't a deal breaker.
If it continues despite things being put into place by the cm to prevent it, distract from it, and teach boundaries, then it may become a deal breaker.

wanderingwondering · 07/09/2015 20:29

When I say discipline I mean removing him from situation til he's calm, natural consequences etc. (and the occasional shout if I'm honest )

Wolfiefan · 07/09/2015 20:30

Gudrun you just expect bad behaviour to pass magically as a child gets older?

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:33

Oh I shout too but I shout randomly at all of them all the time so he's used to that

Yes, I do expect 'bad' behaviour (such as toddlers are often capable of) to pass as they get bigger. And it does. You gradually teach them by speaking to them, acting as well as you can yourself, giving an example - and most toddlers don't act that way by the time they are four, five, six.

It's called the terrible twos for a reason

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:35

and yes distraction is absolutely the key IMO

example: ds screaming and unwilling to get into car, hitting me, wriggling.

me: 'oh let's look at this little box and see what's in it'

ds immediately compliant

I wouldn't call that discipline but it works.

QueenFrusso · 07/09/2015 20:38

gudrun just because one child learn expected behaviours from "damage control" doesn't mean they all do, some children respond well to distraction techniques, others to praise and reward, and others to being told that it isn't a good behaviour but that x, y or z, would be much better options.

longdiling · 07/09/2015 20:38

Well to be fair, Gudrun the childminder has neither called him naughty or disciplined him. She has 'spoken to him sternly' which could be interpreted in a number of ways.

Appreciating that a type behaviour is all very normal doesn't mean you have to ignore it. Little toddlers snatch, it's well known they don't understand about sharing. So you teach them about sharing by, you know, not letting them snatch and perhaps speaking to them about it?!

I don't think anyone needs to be apportioned blame in the scenario the OP has posted about; not the OP, not the little boy and not the childminder. The best outcome is if they all work together rather than the OP panic and move her little boy because of the feedback she's been given. The child needs stability.

shutupanddance · 07/09/2015 20:40

So normal nearly 3 year old behaviour then? Change cm.

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 20:41

I agree that different children need differing approaches; I just don't like the idea of punishment or similar iyswim. It may not even be relevant - I'm sorry for drifting the thread. I'll shut up now.

Best of luck OP (and I also agree fulsomely that he needs stability)

keep on keeping on.

longdiling · 07/09/2015 20:42

I give up. Thank God none of the childminders I've met are like people on mumsnet imagine they are. And thank God all my customers have been lovely, rational people who I can discuss behavioural issues with without them threatening to remove their kids!!!

longdiling · 07/09/2015 20:44

Yes, I feel I'm also derailing the poor OP's thread too so I'll also shut up. I just hate the standard 'leave the bastard childminder' response some of these threads get when there is little evidence to support it.

I really hope it all works out for you and your little boy OP.

MagickPants · 07/09/2015 20:45

MyGast, take a deep breath. You have not in any way failed.
Your CM probably knows all about normal lively 3 year olds and in no way sees him as "naughty". She is just telling you on his first day what he did, and how she is helping him to perceive boundaries to behaviour in her house. Of course she will tell you everything that happened, that is her job! She will not refuse to mind him because he banged a rabbit hutch.

don't be so hard on yourself!

HSMMaCM · 07/09/2015 20:50

Don't worry. Your CM has been completely honest with you. You can be completely honest with her. Work together to help your son settle.

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