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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Son started with a childminder today-he was very, very naughty

65 replies

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 18:14

DS2 is 3 in 2 weeks. He had his first full day with a new childminder today and apparently he was very naughty and she had to speak to him sternly several times. I started a new job today and now I'm worried the childminder will cancel on me. How long do childminders usually give for settling in before deciding if it's not working? I'm feeling a bit anxious now.

OP posts:

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PowerPantsRule · 07/09/2015 18:49

I would be a bit concerned if I came home and was told my child had been 'very very naughty' on the first day. Surely it is more a case of him playing up a bit as it is all very new to him? What did he do that was so 'naughty'?

Rainuntilseptember15 · 07/09/2015 18:50

Find a new cm

holeinmyheart · 07/09/2015 18:52

Mmm an experienced childminder would surely understand that a 3 year ( well not even three) might be a little disturbed by a change of scenario.
He can't articulate fear or his emotions so he reacts however he can. I would look to changing my child minder. If she is telling you that he has been really really naughty on his first day, I don't think much of her.
What did she do? She spoke to him sternly.....Did she try to find out what was wrong? Or distract him? Or reassure him?

I know it must be difficult but I would see if you can find another.CM. Never mind about her what about your son's feelings. How was he after a day with her.?

Finola1step · 07/09/2015 18:52

Did cm have anything positive to say? If not, new cm.

FattyNinjaOwl · 07/09/2015 18:57

What did he do?
I had a TA when DS was in reception come to me every night telling me DS had been "very silly" but couldn't actually tell me what he had done. She just didn't like him
I would ask for examples of his behaviour and discuss ways to deal with it, if he has been playing up a bit (which would be understandable, as its all new to him) that way if he has been a bit boisterous or unsettled etc, he will see that the cm and mum are working together.

FattyNinjaOwl · 07/09/2015 18:58

Oh and if she can't give examples and is just a fussy bugger then find a new cm

cuntycowfacemonkey · 07/09/2015 18:59

Did she explain what he did exactly? If she said the words "he's been very naughty" I'd be having reservations about her tbh

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 19:02

She didn't say very naughty, that's my interpretation. He was pulling on the blinds, banging on the rabbit hutch, climbing all over the furniture, taking toys off other children and he bolted when she did the school run. When she spoke to him to tell him not to do things he just laughed at her.

OP posts:

Singsongsungagain · 07/09/2015 19:05

Does that match with your experience of his behaviour?

FattyNinjaOwl · 07/09/2015 19:07

I would interpret that as him pushing to see where the boundaries are and see what he can get away with. A lot of children do it with new people and in new situations. She needs to give him chance to learn what he can and can't do and settle in.

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 19:09

Yes, he is naughty, but not all the time, I'd say he was a typical, lively 3yo really.

OP posts:

longdiling · 07/09/2015 19:27

Ah ok, as a Childminder I think she was right to be honest about the way he'd behaved. If she doesn't tell you then you can't work together to help combat it. And the bolting on the school run is potentially pretty dangerous. I wouldn't necessarily say that behaviour is 'typical' actually - it's quite hyper and extreme, especially in a new environment where you may expect them to be better behaved than normal.

How did you react? Did you back her up?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 07/09/2015 19:28

Hmm I don't agree that is typical 3 year old behaviour if I'm honest.

Wolfiefan · 07/09/2015 19:30

I don't agree that is typical behaviour either. Some of that sounds dangerous and laughing at her when told off. Really?

NickNacks · 07/09/2015 19:30

I'm a cm and I think she was right to tell you. Why has everyone said find a new cm? What has she done wrong worh communicating about the child's day? I would also say that is not typical almost 3yo behaviour.

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 19:35

I've no problem with her telling me about it, what I'm worried about is her telling me tomorrow that she doesn't want to mind him any more. The climbing on furniture one I'm to blame for because I don't mind him doing it at home, I couldn't foresee the rabbit hutch as he's never seen a rabbit in a hutch before. I've had problems with him bolting before but I thought I'd cracked it. The blinds thing, again I couldn't foresee as we don't have blinds here. And I've never heard of him having a problem snatching toys off other children (he's been going to nursery since he was 9 months old).

I guess I've been lax with him because we've had a traumatic 6 months; I had a breakdown, then left their father and we had to move house as he refused to leave the family home-I'm not saying that excuses his behaviour but it's done now. I just don't know how to handle it from here.

OP posts:

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 19:36

Sounds like he had no idea what was going on. My 2.7yo doesnlt get it when I leave him with his granny, let alone someone he's never met - how can anyone expect him to behave, he is confused.

Sorry OP
I understand you need to do this, but please try and find a CM who understands children better. Of course he acted like this.

GudrunBrangwen · 07/09/2015 19:38

and yes it totally excuses his behaviour.

Trouble is not a lot of CMs have time or patience to deal with a child who is a bit, well, traumatised already.

I can see both sides

so sorry you have been through all this, do you have to go to work now or do you have any leeway?

Impossible situation. All sympathy to you and your little boy though who will be struggling with everything changing recently.

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 19:41

I only started my new job today so not going is definitely not an option.

Fuck, I just feel like I've failed so badly now.

OP posts:

longdiling · 07/09/2015 19:44

Oh Gudrun, please don't judge an entire profession based on a couple of posts on here: 'Not a lot of CMs have time or patience' - Yes they do! I have dealt with some very tricky three year olds in my time with a lot of patience and understanding. And the same is true of all the local childminders I know.

OP, please talk to your childminder about what your little boy has been going through. If she understands where the behaviour is coming from she will be better placed to tackle it. She will also be more likely to give him time to settle and feel secure. I certainly wouldn't be giving notice so early on unless the PARENT was also being difficult. If you're being open with her and willing to work with her to help him settle then I'm sure she won't do anything drastic. Tell her some of the strategies you use that work. Talk to him before he goes next about not snatching/jumping on furniture etc.

PowerPantsRule · 07/09/2015 19:46

Ah, don't feel that! You have had a bloody awful time and your son is coping with change...it is HARD. Please don't feel you have failed. It is no surprise he played up today. Does the cm know about your circumstances?

longdiling · 07/09/2015 19:48

You sound so anxious Gast :( was the childminder giving you the impression she was going to end the contract?

Original poster

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/09/2015 19:50

She knows that I split from exH recently but not the rest. I have absolutely no problem with her disciplining DS2 when he's naughty, and I hope we can work through this, I'm just (overly) worried she'll say she doesn't want to have him. He's only there for about an hour tomorrow then not there again until Friday, so hopefully he won't be so bad tomorrow. I've also said I'm more than happy for her to put reins on him if they go out. That's what I had to do to stop him bolting. I meant to say that to her before today but just had too much on my mind and forgot.

OP posts:

Needaninsight · 07/09/2015 19:55

He sounds like he has no idea about boundaries and no respect for himself or others.

I would be welcoming help from the CM to sort out his behaviour if it were me.

Good luck.

OllyBJolly · 07/09/2015 19:55

No, you haven't failed. You've successfully got through a very tough time and huge congratulations on securing a job in a very difficult employment climate.

Agree with Long. Give the childminder some background so she has more insight into his behaviour. I agree what has been described is not normal, and I'd go further it's not acceptable. I think you have to work with her on setting boundaries and stringently reinforce that at home. No is no.

It's not about patience. A CM makes a living from looking after other people's children. If one of the children endanger this by being disruptive then they can withdraw the place. It's only been one day - hopefully he'll settle and she'll be a positive and supportive influence.

Good luck in the new job.

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