childminder v nursery dilemma

[mumofben]

sorry if this topic has already been discussed - I'm returning to work in Feb and until recently thought nursery would be best for my 6 month old - However, i flicked through the Stephen Biddulph book on "raising boys" and he suggests that boys in particular benefit from a calm environment with a constant person they can learn to be attached to etc which made sense. So, I changed my mind and thought a childminder would be better, especially in the early months then I could change to nursery when he's a bit bigger.

However, talking to a mum the other day made me re-think again - I've got him into a routine with naps etc - a childminder will want him to fit around her routine - eg out in the car all day? or will he be stuck in front of TV while she's doing her housework etc. Therefore, no guarantee he'll get individual attention anyway.

Now I'm completely unsure what to do. Would be really grateful if anyone can help point me in the right direction?

pmsl at uwilla!

As I said I was only repeating what he said.........

actually fizz you said....
"I based the decision to put dd with childminder based on this"

Oh Ben's Mum .....poor you. You really have opened up a whole can of worms haven't you !!!

Advice is just that...advice. It is biased and subjective.

Buy a book...don't buy a book

Nurseries can't offer one to one...nurseries can offer one to one...

It's a mine field.

Your little one will love you more than anyone always...no matter how lovely his carer is.

You have an opportunity to improve his confidence in others by not showing your concerns and taking a lead and also to give him a strong role model in achievement by being successful at work.

Your baby...your life...you alone can make it work or not work

Listen to all advice and take from it the bits you agree with and disregard the rest.

Relaxed Mum equals a relaxed child

You CAN do it !!!

Love MrsPoppins

can you be our mrs poppins???? I took your advice and went to a nursery unannounced this am ....

well, it seems to tick all the boxes, it's brand new and clean, only a handful of staff were there and no kids as they were all out for a walk, but those I met were all lovely and were cooing at Ben (big tick!). Baby room takes 9 babies with 1 to 3 ratio of staff. It looked quite small and was up in the attic, but no doubt safety checked and spotlessly clean. Wall had birth - 3 charts up and they chart child's developmental progress in a book. They pick up & drop from local school. It's affordable and local. They were very nice about me turning up and showed me the baby room, toddler room, and pre school area.

HOWEVER, I think I've made up my mind now that a childminder would be best till he's at least 2. I just can't imagine him being there all day - there were a couple of cots in a corner under a window, but it's still bright and I would imagine noisy.

It's taken me ages to get him to associate dark and quiet with sleep, and he sleeps in his room for his main nap during the day - I know this will reduce by the time he's 6 months, but would you like to spend 10 hrs a day in a bright noisy room with no "down time"? I think it's important to have a bit of peace and quite during the day so he can enjoy his activities more. Also, there's bound to be staff turnover, and the girls seem keen but so young.

So, I will go & meet the childminder next week, and see how I feel about her.

By the way, to add to the dilemma, somebody has recommended a girl who is 19 and would be prepared to work in my home (like an au pair). I trust the lady who recommended her implicitly, she runs the local mum and tots group & Ben loves her. However, this girl's not qualified and only has experience looking after family's children, and volunteering at the group. My gut feeling is that she'd be a great babysitter, but 50 hrs a week?

This leads me to a question for the CMs - do you think qualifications make a difference? The nurseries have all these developmental models that they follow and can structure play activities to promote positive learning etc. Between the ages of 6 months - 2 years, is this really beneficial to the child, or are they just a load of ??? Would an unqualified person who hasn't been trained in all this be just as good?

Personally I wouldn't leave him with a 19 year old either. Looking after a baby is tough work and if she has no experience of it then it may come as a surprise to her.

My personal pick for a childminder would be someone more mature who has experience either with their own children or other mindees. Also someone a bit older may be less likely to want to change career or move area which could impact on care continuity.

Regarding the qualifications aspect, I was looked after by a cm when I was young as my mum worked 5 days a week. It made me laugh a bit when I saw the wonderful activities that our cm has planned for DS as I never had any of that. Generally I played with the minders daughter or watched my minder doing things.However what my minder gave me was immense amounts of cuddles and attention, I felt happy and secure there which I think is more important than structured development at a young age.

Hope you find what you are looking for.

Message withdrawn

NOOOOOOOOOOOO to the inexperienced 19 year old looking after your precious baby completely unsupervised for 10+ hours a day. I'm not a big fan of the qualifications. But, I would deffo not hire an inexperienced teenager to look after a child who can not yet speak. She might be lovely, but then you wouldn't know if she wasn't because who would tell you?!?!?!

My first "nanny" was a 20 year old Polish girl who had worked in a nursery but never lived in anyone else's house. She was more interested in internet dating than she was in my kid's safety.

Now, if you actuallly know this girl and are certain that she is up to the task, I believe some 19 year olds are probably capable. But, I thinkit would be a baptism by fire into the world of childcare for you. Think you are better off with a childminder/nursery.

wise words mrspoppins

mumtoben, just an aside, but you sound such an involved well bonded mum that this ten hours a day all week thing sounds like it will be miserable for you!

You have the legal right to request family-friendly, flexible working/part-time and your employer have to have a VALID reason for saying no. Have you gone down this road with them?

Sorry if too nosy, I know this is not what you're on here for.

unfortunately, Sunnyside, I know the answer - although it's 9-5 mon-fri (plus travel which is why it's 8-6), it's quite a responsible position. Other collegues with children have even asked for 8-4 to fit around them but they've said no. i think my contract makes it clear that I have to be available between those hrs, plus be on call out of hours. It's an all or nothing job, which i've worked hard to achieve, and tbh, although I'm commited to my son's well being and his development, I'm not really the SAHM sort - I've really struggled at times with adjusting to the change in pace and miss adult converation - hence my addiction to MN!

I know it's going to be really hard leaving him initially, but even if I could financially afford to give up work, I couldn't be a full time mum.
Lots of admiration for those who are!! x

Where do you live, mumofben? any chance of getting a nannyshare with another family who perhaps has older kids who can talk if nanny is not up to snuff? Or, if it was a share, perhaps you could afford a more experienced nanny?

well in view of your situation mumtob, I definitely think you are making the right decision looking for a childminder; go for it. It seems common sense to me that it has to be better for ds to have one central, caring, nurturing figure to bond to during his long days. I'm 100% sure he will be a happier boy in that situation than at a nursery for those hours.

good on you for looking for the RIGHT care for him.

MrsPoppins again!

Glad the nursery visit went well

Qualifications are only of importance if the person puts them into practice! I've known lots of qualified people I wouldn't give the time of day to and lots of unqualified who have that natural instinctive quality.

I personally think you've come to a good decision.

IMPORTANT though...get a network of friends or family that can help you out if the childminder has ill children of her own and can't have yours...or your little one becomes ill and has to be picked up...or can't go because of illness.

By the sounds of it, you don't have the flexibility in your work to just leave early or not go in.

Likewise when the childminder takes holiday, ensure you arrange cover.

Ask any prospective childminder if you can talk to another family that she already cares for as a reference...make sure you see her ofsted report and go on gut feeling. It's often right!!!

Wishing you well xxx Karen

really admire your honesty MOB in saying that you really do want to return to work,so many mums/dads say its a neccesity and dont really want to work but i admire the fact you say even if it wasnt a neccesity you would still go back to work,good for you!
hope the cm you go to see is the right one for you,but remember ,as someone else said,why not go see some other cms just to get a feel for the type of care your son will get,they may not have a vacancy right now but may well do when the time comes.

Ask the childminder:

1. If she can arrange cover if she goes onhols, is sick, or otherwise unavailable.
2. If you have to pay her for her holidays
3. How much notice she will give you for her hols.
4. If she is flexible on pick up times. What are late penalties? Or is being late simply out of the question. Public transport and traffic are sometimes unpredictable and these things do happen.
5. How sick is too sick to bring your child in (generallly I think a fever or vomitting or something that is very contageous like chicken pox is when they should stay home, but the common cold is probably fair game)
6. How many sick days has she had in the past year?
7. Do you need to supply food, nappies, etc. When I used a childminder I brought the food, nappies, wipes, etc. until she was old enough to eat what the childminder was already making for her other kids.

Do a search on questions for childminders. I bet you'll come up with loads.

thanks lalala, stuff to bear in mind .. by the way, why would I have to pay her for HER hols? surely as I would have to arrange alternative cover then I may end up paying twice? sorry if I'm being a bit thick..

and smee, the other cm's I phoned have longstanding commitments so not worth going to see them although a couple of them took my number. Had a good chat with one who does have a vacancy but only works term time unfortunately, and I only get 5 weeks hols a year so wouldn't be able to cover it..

so, all my hopes are now pinned on the one cm I'm going to meet next week.

Hi mumofben, what area are you looking in for a childminder? I live in Bexleyheath if thats of any help. It is always useful to phone your council every few weeks for their list of childminders as vacancies do change from month to month. One of my mums used my services as well as her mum for childcare, she dramatically cut her work hours last month so no longer requires me as her childminder, circumstances change within family life all the time so its worth enquiring again with childminder who say they dont have a vacancy now. You have time to find the right childminder.

mumofben, our nanny was 19 and I don't think age is nesecarily the issue afterall plenty of people on these boards have had children at 19 or younger. I would be a bit concerned about her lack of experience though. Our nanny had 3 years experience of childcare, 1 year of that in the baby room of a nursery and she left the nursery because she wanted to do one-one care. She had also taken a couple of short courses in childcare.

Check things out carefully with childminders, I agree with your points (was it you?) about sleep times at nursery. Its one of my biggest concerns. DS is happily asleep upstairs at the moment. He sleeps for a nice long 2 hrs every lunchtime in his quiet dark room, when he goes to nursery in january they do dim the lights but its all in the same room on sleep mats.
Not all childminders can accomodate naps for tinies, especially if they have older toddlers. Also the school run thing, several CM's I know pick up 3-5 children from 2 different schools which can make afternoon activities/naps/feeding for babies difficult to fit in.

Nurseries have ups and downs, personally i wouldn't do f/t nursery as i think it can be a bit too stimulating. But see if you can find a nice quiet one. If you manage to source a small nursery you may find one that only has 3-6 children in each 'room'. the one DS is going to is in a big converted victorian house. The under 2's are in 2 rooms with a maximum of 6 babies in each room. They have a big garden with rabbits and play equipment and all th eolder children are on the top floor so ground floor is babies only, nice and quiet.
Each room has sleep mats for each child and you can take in a sleeping bag/blanket for them to keep there to sleep in/under.

I'd make a list of things that you want from childcare, what is really important to you etc.

I'd also see about a nanny, it sounds as if this migh tsuit you. You could have a nanny share maybe wiht nursery in the mornings then nanny at home in the afternoons?

I agree with Uwilalala that leaving a baby with an inexperienced 19 year old, no matter how nice she is, unsupervised for 10 hrs a day is not a good idea. The most I'd be comfortable with would be a couple of hours babyitting.

The cm I was going to see next week has decided she only wants a part time mindee now as she's got too much on, so that's fallen through.

Back to the drawing board. I'm trying to find if there's a local nanny to share - btw, how does that work in practice, I mean who's house do they work in??

Still don't want to go to a nursery, although if I don't find someone suitable by Jan, I may have to...

What sort of childcare do I want? I just want a kind and loving person who will look after him in a calm environment, where he will feel safe and will form a bond. When he's 2+ years, with loads of energy to burn off, easily bored, and needs to learn how to socialise, I'll be much happier sending him to a nursery.

mumofben which area are you in?

derbyshire

mumofben, you might want to check out a wensite called sharingcare.co.uk (or something like that). It is a place to hook up with other parents looking for a share. Also have nose around nannyjob.co.uk and gumtree.com. I've never shared a nanny, but it involves whatever arrangement you come to with the other family and the nanny. Whose house they are at? Who provides food? What to do when one of the kids is sick? Split the lowest tax bracket? and so on... Lots of stuff to consider. But, mumsnet is a source of vast wealth so keep coming back for more info and I promise you will find it here.

Well, I think I'm about to do a u-turn and consider a nursery now. Dh would feel more comfortable with one, and following long discussion with him, I think although my previously stated reservations re nurseries stand, a cm is only better if it's somebody you know or has been personally rcommended, otherwise, it's a bigger gamble.
Uwilala, thanks for the sharingcare link, i've been on there to look for nannyshare.
So, I'm off to look at a few more nurseries....... one of them is bound to feel "right" I hope!

Let us know how you get on!! xx