Au pair - questions :)

[turquoiseamethyst]

Hi, I am a newly single parent and I have two children. My son was 8 in February and my daughter is 1 next month. In July I will be having a second daughter.

I have no one to help and this can be relentless as well as posing practical problems so my questions are:

1. the house we will be moving to has 3 bedrooms and two reception rooms and I envisioned the au pair having one of these for her bedroom - okay?

1. How long can she have sole charge of the children for? I know she isn't a nursery or crèche but would she be able to have the babies for an hour or so alone if needs be?

1. What do you pay? Was tentatively thinking of £100 a week?

bunny no I dont. I asked for advice and got told I was unreasonable for wanting a tiny tiny amount of child free time. Don't tell me what I want because you don't even know.

Imperial thanks. Doesn't matter. Really doesn't.

OP, I'm sorry but you were NOT told you were unreasonable for wanting to have a tiny, tiny amount of time to yourself. You were told that you were unreasonable to think that this could be achieved with an inexperienced aupair looking after two very little children - well, babies really. Where is the children's father - will he see the children at all? Can he be relied on at weekends etc? Otherwise I think you need to source possibly a childminder for a day a week or maybe two half-days or send the children to nursery for a day. I appreciate this doesn't take care of short-notice appointments necessarily but it does give you some possibilities of arranging doctor, dentist, hair, mortgage adviser etc etc appointments during those times.

You might be lucky with an au pair and get a fantastic one who has lots of experience but they are not the norm and the last thing you need is one more adult in your house filling up the space when you are desperate to get some peace.

No he can't but he may have to.

I just feel like I'm trying to climb a mountain with a deadweight on my back. Sorry.

Hi Turquoise, its completely reasonable to want and need a bit of time to yourself, especially with 2 under 2. I just don't think it would be safe to leave them both with an au pair and it would be unfair to ask them tbh.
Why don't you look at nursery/childminder for a couple of half days a week? Near me that would cost a bit less than £100/week and would free up plenty of time to book appointments/exercise or just sleep. I have 3 smallish children and life is far easier now i have a bit of time every week where i know i don't have them. Most things are booked well in advance anyway So can fit round nursery.
If you were thinking of doing this i'd recommend starting dd1 soonish before dd2 arrives, partly to give you a break but partly so she doesn't think she is being pushed out. Hope you get sorted soon.

I don't really understand why au pairs can't look after babies. Many women myself included have their own babies very young and obviously have sole charge.

Nor me soon to be honest.

The thing is, nursery or a childminder would be an additional source of stress. Getting them both out of the house to wherever they are going then picking them up again is different to having another adult in the house meaning you can occasionally pop to the Spar. It's those sorts of things I was trying, possibly badly, to explain with my 'gym/hair' comment.

I plan to breastfeed DD2 so I wouldn't be able to go for long - but just, you know, occasionally.

SoontobeSix I think it's quite a different situation to look after your own baby without any prior experience. Many people will have family support, Health visitors etc to help them learn on the job. Even if you don't, you are looking after your own flesh and blood to whom you have given birth and with whom you will have an incredible bond. Whatever they throw you, even if you despair at the time, you will still love them unconditionally! You can't expect an au pair to have the same bond with someone else's child, particularly if they are far from home and dealing with a foreign language, different foods etc on top of everything else.

My kids are 6, 4 and 1 and my husband often doesn't see them for days at a time due to his work and commute. I know this isn't the same as being a single parent but i do know how it feels to have to do everything by yourself with 3 in tow.
Presumably you need to take your eldest child to school?
Obviously your children, your choice, but if something happened could you defend your decision to leave them with a completely unqualified teenager rather than pay for proper childcare? Genuinely not having a pop at you op, you have a lot on, i just worry y that the reality of an au pair won't match your expectations.

Soontobesix, you don't see the difference between a foreign girl, coming to work some hours a week to learn English, without any previous experience with a newborn and a mother???

BTW a nanny could be 19 years old, that's not the problem, it's the Aupair. 2 under 2 is a HUGE responsability. As I said, unless Au pair was a nanny in her country, how could she do it....

Go for an older au pair. I'm always puzzled by mn thoughts on aupairs.All the ones I've known loved childcare but hated housework. My friend had a 3yo and a 1 yo and she worked in a very senior job. Au pair cared for both dc most of the week and was interviewed to do as such. She loved it so much that now df has had baby number 3 and the au pair's sister is coming to be their new au pair (father is in the forces).
Other family I know with an au pair had twins and shock horror the au pair cared for them 4 hours a day. With a baby I would give a longer settling in period for you and the au pair.

If you are honest re your needs then you will find the right person.

I know lots of people who have been left in sole charge of a small child not biologically related and with no prior experience and no pay Adoptive parents have to get up to speed pretty quickly...

Anyway, back to the OP... If you are after an extra pair of hands, would a Mother's Help be any use? Mostly to help around the house etc but less drastic than having an au pair - which may sound stress free but may well not be.

Otherwise, look into temporary nannies, crèches attached to shopping centres / gyms etc for care to give you a few minutes breathing space

Bunny of course I can see the difference. But we are talking about an adult woman lolling after a baby and toddler for a couple if hours.

Looking

As usual I am shocked by how little people think of Au Pairs on here but anyway.

OP, you are perfectly reasonable to think an Au Pair could fit your family regarding your expectations as I would definitely take the job was I not au pairing for another family on the other side of the world.

I have been Au Pairing four times and 3 out 4 I had full-time sole care of at least a baby, I even had full-time sole care charge of 18 months old twins and their 4 years old sister and I absolutely loved it. Yes taking care of two under 2 yo kids is challenging but so rewarding and trust me if a parent who had no experience with kids before hands can do it, an Au Pair who've had heaps of experience around kids can definitely do it as well. Not all Au Pairs are inexperienced and lots ( like me) are more comfortable with young kids and babies than with older ones.

Leaving the babies two hours with an Au Pairs is easily doable and you are definitely not being unreasonable to think and Au Pair would be able to do that without panicking and running down the hills. To be honest I have only seen the reluctance of leaving under twos with an Au Pair on this forum and probably in the UK. I have been Au Pairing in different countries of Europe and now in Australia and nobody would ever think twice about this.

As long as you tell your Au Pair what's the job is about, that you check her reference and the fact that she has experience around young kids and is comfortable with the idea, then go with it. Don't wait for the approval of Mumsnetters cause they probably won't give it to you, do what you think is best for your family because there are bad things happening in all kind of childcare and Au Pairs aren't the ones you see the most often in the news. I am an Au Pair and I would definitely take the job, I have been around babies for years and all of them are safe and sound and very happy kids who all speak several languages. ( cause Au Pairs do have some advantages other form of childcare don't.)
So if you think Au Pairs is the way to go, give it a try, you can always change if that end up not fitting you. :)

Don't necessarily see a problem if an experienced au pair with relevant prior experience...

"I have been Au Pairing four times and 3 out 4 I had full-time sole care of at least a baby, I even had full-time sole care charge of 18 months old twins and their 4 years old sister"

Who would do that for an Au pair salary??? Why not become a nanny at some point?

OP

Fgs you have been getting some ridiculous responses on here.

It certainly is ok to leave an Su pair with your children for a few hours here and there. Luckily other posters have confessed to doing that for a longer period of time so I think as long as you go for someone older you will be fine.

If you go to Phoenix aupairs they offer a mothers help, who is like a senior au pair if you like, older, definitely have experience with under twos and can do extensive childcare during the week. £150 is the cost.

Good luck, I think it's sensible for you to look at help now so that you aren't all at sea when your baby arrives

OP
I freely admit I'm posting partially to be able to rant. Some au pairs would be fine with a baby, many would not. Yes, even an hour might be dangerous but then again these may be the same people who would ALSO be ineffective/unsuitable for older children. Ours served out of date food last night - meat - for example. After being told to buy new. Hard and fast rules like no under 3's but au pairs are fine for school children are relatively meaningless in my experience. You really do have to take it on a case by case basis with your childcarers. I have had au pairs with limited experience but better judgement overall than our much more expensive (and in principle experienced) first nanny. Just becuase the person is called a nanny and charging much more doesn't mean they're necessarily more competent.

If it really is only a couple of hours here and there I think it would be fine. Interview, get references, hope for the best and be prepared to spend a lot of time managing them.

However, if this is a cover for I'll start with a couple of hours sole charge here and there with the view that it might be possible to progress to whole days, I'd say stop right there. Au pairs are unlikely to the PATIENCE levels required to manage two small children over that period of time. This is very different from a couple of hours at the gym.

Hi OP.
What about asking locally (on a shop notice board ) if there is a mother's help? That would be cheaper and you are more likely to get older ladies (more like a nana) working for you then.

Also, your local children's centre may be able to help offer you some useful information on what services there are for single mums or they might know someone who could help support you.

Have you thought about a 'mother's help'?
My husband is away for several months and I've got a 3-year-old and 11-week-old. I've got a lovely lady who comes in for 10 hours per week, I pay her £10 an hour. She helps with childcare but also helps around the house. For example, she cooks meals, allowing me to spend that time with my children. She lives locally and is in her late 20s. She also has experience with small children so I would feel comfortable leaving her in sole charge occasionally. I found her through a friend but also looked on childcare websites and gumtree. I think it is quite common to find older ladies doing this. I did look into getting an au pair but was worried about someone who was younger and inexperienced looking after my baby. I was also unsure about having someone living with us. It is working out really well and I'm so glad I've gone down this route.
I hope you find someone who works well with you and your set-up.

If you do get an au pair, OP, please ignore the posters saying that you should pay them less than your projected £100 a week, plus room and board. £70 a week plus room and board was normal in the 1980s. It is indeed now certainly possible to get an au pair for the same price now well into the 21st century, but that's because so many young women are being exploited.

Thank you.

It certainly isn't a cover for 'spend all days with the children' - as explained I do plan to breastfeed.

I will try to explain I have no one to help me. My parents are dead and so is my brother; I have no other family. I have no friends and don't know any local people.

So what I need is help with - keep an eye out while i nip to the shop for milk, I'm honestly surprised some reacted strongly.

The thing with a mothers help is she wouldn't be there 24/7 which is the advantage of an au pair.

£70 p/w for 20-25 hrs is fine.

I think you would be fine because s/he would be assisting you with the children and would get to know them fairly well before you left them. If you were planning to try to do something like work from home with an au pair I'd say think again.

Going out for an hour or two should be fine. The au pair can take the children for a walk with two little ones in the buggy or go to a playground or soft play for sort of time.

Be clear about your expectations from the outset and check references thoroughly. Rename the converted reception room the "downstairs bedroom" and make sure it's private and you'll be grand.

When the dc have left home I quite fancy heading abroad to learn a new language and could be one of those experienced au pairs