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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

New nanny - am I being too harsh?

41 replies

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 15:14

Hello,

I need some advice on some issues with our new nanny.

DD1 has been in a nanny share with a good friend's daughter (both 3 in May) for the last year. The nanny is wonderful. I couldn't fault her and trust her completely with my daughter. However the share has sadly come to an end as both my friend and I now have 2 children each and this would be too much for our nanny. The nanny is staying with my friends family (very disappointing but I understand - she is very attached to my friends youngest who's just turned one and she's been with him since he was 4 weeks).

So I am one week into employing our own nanny for DD1 and DD2 (3 months). I am around most of the day (until she has settled in and I go back to work) but she has taken DD1 out to her usual playgroups in the morning and out on their own to the park in the afternoons. She is experienced, punctual and hard working. However, I'm not sure her approach to childcare fits with our family. She seems to easily lose patience with DD1, eg. over getting out of the door, meal times etc. and says things like "For goodness sake" and "just cheer up" in quite an exasperated/annoyed tone. She also doesn't sing / play games or seem to like DD1 that much. I'm thinking of letting her go but do you think this is too harsh? Can approach be learnt? Should I give it more time or cut my losses and start with the agency again?

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loudarts · 08/03/2015 15:20

If you are not happy with how she looks after your children you should let her go and look for a different nanny. I think if she is losing her patience in the first week while you are there, what will she be like when she is on her own!

ChampagneTastes · 08/03/2015 15:25

If you feel that she doesn't like your child/ren that much then I would definitely get rid. That seems pretty fundamental to me.

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 15:28

Thanks loudarts. Good to have someone else's perspective.
I had a really hard time finding a new nanny and this one was definitely the best we interviewed so in dreading trying to find someone new...

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Original poster

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 15:32

Thanks champagne - she seems to prefer DD2 who at 3 months mainly smiles, feeds and sleeps!

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FannyFifer · 08/03/2015 15:40

If she thinks that is acceptable in front of her employer then i wld worry about what was happening when you are out of earshot.

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 15:42

Fanny- I know what you mean but in the mornings, she meets up with our old nanny to go to playgroups / bouncy castle etc. who says the new nanny is really good which I find confusing.

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DeBeers · 08/03/2015 16:08

Get rid of her. We had a superb nanny for eldest child. Calm, patient, loving, full of great ideas for entertainment and learning. Kept nanny on (financial stretch) during maternity leave as adored her. When it came to looking after younger child she was a disaster. Rude to the baby, grumpy, complained whole time. Had to let her go as for whatever reason she did not bond with the new addition to the family. Currently have a superb nanny who adored both children and does her best for both of them. Your new nanny is not right for your family. She has to go.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2015 20:10

I would rarely sing or crawl around on my hands and knees if mb is there but quite happily do it if just me - many Nannies are the same - we don't want to look stupid another reason why wouldn't feel comfortable with a nanny cam

You obv loves your old nanny and she knew your routine and ways and obv dd

I would give this nanny a try - maybe have a probation period - and see how things are in a few weeks

How is dd with her?

KeturahLee · 08/03/2015 20:14

You don't sound happy, I would switch now rather than wait and see.

getawaynow · 08/03/2015 20:58

I'd go with my gut, if it doesn't feel right for you then let her go.

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 21:10

Hello Blondes - you had some good advice for me on another thread and I think I tried to poach you...

I understand what you mean about not looking stupid in front of an employer but this nanny prefers to sit at the kitchen table rather than on the matt with my dd as she said "I'm getting old..." !! She is more mature but I thought that the experience would be a plus and my mum still sits on the floor with dd and she's in her 70's.

I've been very proud of dd this week, she has done her best to make friends with our nanny and seems fine in her company. It's more that I don't like the way the nanny speaks to her and I worry that if she had both my girls on a trying day whether she would cope without losing it (we had a rather alarming conversation about smacking...)

All the advice I have been given this afternoon has helped - I think I've made up my mind to let her go. The agency gives me one replacement nanny in the first 6 weeks and 75% of my (considerable) fee back in the first 2 weeks if they don't work out. I also don't want to upset my dd by keeping someone around for too long and then getting rid of her.

I do feel terrified about getting someone new though. Gumtree this time was hopeless even though my old fantastic nanny was from gumtree. Childcare.com didn't really come through for me either - bouncer turned nanny anyone?! (She was actually very nice but just a rather strange alternative career.) Hence the pricey agency - would have much preferred to spend the extra on the nanny wages.

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Happy36 · 08/03/2015 21:19

Ask your daughter about the nanny. If you think your daughter is happy, give the nanny a few more weeks. You could also speak to the nanny if there are things you´d like her to do, or not do.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2015 22:18

Indeed you did but you wouldn't move to blondsland maybe you will now ........

Agree the sitting at table rather then on the floor playing with dd seems weird - yes I'm all for children learning to entertain theirselves for a little bit - but then sit and play with them and seems she doesn't do this

Is she an experienced nanny? She said she's old / how old im ancient at 41 yet get on the floor and play

You said that you struggled to find a nanny - not sure why :( - as I said on your previous post your job is my perfect one sure you don't want to move to kent?

And yes if you had a conversation about smacking which caused you to worry then agree get rid of her now - and agency can find you a replacement

While you are off on ml is it worth getting a temp in for a few weeks while you find the right nanny?

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 08/03/2015 22:43

She's in her 50's and has been a nanny since 1997 so plenty of experience. She has excellent references and was with her last family for 8 years. Maybe she's out of the habit of being with young children? She is obviously competent and hard working. She just strangely doesn't have many strategies for how to get a 2 year old to do things and loses patience with her.

Given how difficult recruiting someone new was, I'm not sure I could do it twice more - temp and then permanent. My mum said she would help me out in the short term as I've got a new client and will need to start working sooner than I thought. If the agency doesn't have anyone good, I'll advertise again on gumtree and childcare.co.uk. And try to get Blondes to move to East London.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2015 22:56

Ha ha. It will never happen. The last 3 familiies I worked for all moved from London to kent - green countryside and fast trains to charing cross and Vixtoria

Glad you have your mum to help out

Just wish I knew why the agencies don't have good nannies for your position :(

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2015 22:57

Whoops hit send

Hope new client goes well - Right better go and feed bubs. Night xx

FlorenceMattell · 09/03/2015 12:41

Hi
I'm a nanny in my 50s and I get down on the floor to play, sing silly songs etc. Part of the reason I choose to be a nanny is so I get to have fun playing I'm just as fit as in my 20s , cycle , swim and walk regularly.
So please don't discount all older nannies.
I agree with other posters a nanny who is similar to you in views, is the best fit.
I would worry re you mentioning smacking ?? physical punishment is never acceptable as a nanny.
Would it help to post the wording of your ad on here so others can help find out why you are getting so few applicants?
What a nuisance having to search again , but I think you are right to trust your instinct.

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 14:44

Hello Florence - thanks for your message. I'm very pro older nannies. My last nanny was in her late forties and she was excellent.

I'm still confused about what to do. I thought I had decided but I'm still going around in circles. DD1 seems happy to go out alone with her and she is good at getting all the practicalities right but I can't quite shift this niggle. Arghh...

If I do decide to try again, I'll certainly try posting the wording of my ad on here and maybe Florence and Blondes can highlight where I'm going wrong...

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bunnyhipsdontlie · 09/03/2015 14:55

Hello, I don't know if that will help but here is my opinion . You don't always LOVE the children from week one of work (or even just like them). Especially with older children who are used to another nanny. And the child doesn't always like us from the start. Sometimes the bond takes some weeks/months to be created.

regarding the smacking/not playing on the floor, that is another issue. She obviously can't smack your child and she might not be a good fit for you if physical playing is important to you. Does she read a lot/ make a lot of crafty things at the table instead?

If you really feel that it's not going to work, listen to yourself and find a new nanny Asap so your daughter doesn't get too attached

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 15:54

Point taken bunny but she's only 2 and is pretty affectionate. There's not that much not to like at 2 surely?! But I agree a true bond obviously takes time.

The nanny does like to colour in at the table with DD and DD does like to focus on one thing for a while so that works. She hasn't come up with many other games, physical or otherwise, although she does like to go out as she says it seems like a long day if they are in the house all the time which I understand.

I think it could work but I don't think it will be great. I also worry how she will cope with both girls when I start working again. So she's certainly not terrible but the lack of energy and patience makes me worry in the longer term. But at the same time I'm not convinced that I will get anyone better.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2015 18:09

what does it say in your contract about probation and notice - some have 4 weeks and a weeks notice - personallly ive never had probabtion in my contract but maybe you have

you dont sound convinced :( assume you checked refs, were they good/positive?

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2015 18:10

not sure what you think you wont get better

what are you looking for hours/days etc - just surprised more nannies in london arent jumping at your job

Original poster

Halojones2014 · 09/03/2015 20:08

She has a 6 week notice probation period and 1 week notice during this time so it's relatively easy for either of us to terminate the agreement at the moment.

Her references were great eg. "I'd employ her again in a heartbeat." Although her last job only lasted 3 months - the family didn't taken her on after her probation - the rest were all 3 years or longer.

My ideal candidate would work 5 days a week 9am until 6pm although we would be prepared to accept 4 days for the right person. I can also wait until June for the right person. I would like a kind, gentle, patient nanny with a good sense of fun and genuine love/like of young children. We need general nanny duties, eg, tidying up after DD's and keeping the kitchen tidy after cooking. I am rarely late and I think supportive and respectful of a nanny. Probably my worst aspect is that I'm very tidy and like my house left as found in the morning. Obviously sometimes this won't happen but I need someone who's naturally tidy. I had to clean up after my first nanny which drove me crazy. I also had to give her a pregnancy testing kit and she told me about the amount of drugs she'd taken on the weekend...

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Karoleann · 09/03/2015 20:52

Any smacking conversation would ring alarm bells with me. I think its really important for a nanny to have similar ideals as you and your DH especially when it comes to things like discipline.

bunnyhipsdontlie · 09/03/2015 21:41

Your first nanny sound horrid... Poor you.

I don't know why you don't have more good applicants, that sound like the job 90% of the nannies in London are looking for. Isn't the pay too low?

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