New Au Pair

[pnfindlay]

Hi there,

My wife and I (thats right, a dad writing on mumsnet, not sure if this is allowed....) are due to have our first child. We both have fantastic careers and my wife has decided to go back to work part time. We have decided to go down the route of an Au Pair and signed up to AuPair World, we were inundated with applications (208) and narrowed it down to a manageable number. We conducted a number of Skype interviews and were lucky enough that one of our favourites was in London with her family on vacation so we had the opportunity to meet in person. This put our mind at ease as we have never done this before and you hear of all the horror stories of the web.

We have put together a very attractive package for our Au Pair. We are paying above the recommended average, covering the cost of English lessons, providing 3 days off per week inc most evenings plus 4 weeks paid holiday. She has her own en-suite room with Wifi and we will make sure she feels like part of the family and not an employee.

But we are wondering if there is any tips/advice that we should consider from some seasoned pro's that we may have missed. Has anyone ever asked their Au Pair to surrender their passport for safeguarding until trust has been built up?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

The fact that you even think it is OK to ask if you can take her passport is scary. Really scary. I don't care if you read it somewhere, the lack of common sense about it really is worrying.

Really? Your just given birth wife is happy for you to be home alone with a teenage girl for 2 full days a week?

The vast majority of au pairs are not teenagers.

Hopefully, the vast majority of women can and do trust their husbands to work from home without molesting the au pair .

Sorry about the nasty people on here OP. They remind me of the school bullies I never had to mix with after the age of 16. Always wondered where they ended up - turns out they hang out on mumsnet!

I worked from home with au pair helping with baby for a while. It worked really well. They'll soon pick it up, like we all had to when we were handed out babies in the hospital!

JackieHarries your message is highly inappropriate. I am sure your husband trust you to work with male colleagues without you cheating on him because one of them may be younger or more attractive ? So why would the OP's wife think any different? That's ridiculous. Men aren't animals. You'd actually be surprised to see that they tend to be able to behave around other women...

The amount of insecure women who don't realize that a cheater is going to cheat anyway and that in all cases you need to be two to cheat is appalling. Why would OP have any interest in the Au Pair and why would the Au Pair have any interest in her boss's husband ? TBH I feel sorry for your husband @JackieHarries ( assuming you are married) because you seem to have a very low vision of the male community.

OP, you are in cloud cuckoo land to think that you will be able to shut yourself away at specific times (eg for conference calls), and expect the au pair to keep baby from disturbing you. Or to think that she will be able to properly monitor a rising temperature and know when it turns into something that needs dealing with by a doctor, or to think that if a doctor is needed she will be able to nip the baby over to a GP by herself. Or to think that if baby is screaming loud enough to disturb you at work that she will be calm enough to sort it and take baby out of earshot. Or to think that if your boss needs you in unexpectedly that it'll be ok to trust AP with sole care. If your jobs are flexible to definitely not need any of that and that you will both be able to nip out of your office (presume you have one?) every time she needs a hand or some advice, then fine. Personally I don't think you'll be able to do it. Both DH and I have demanding jobs and we had to stop working from home ourselves because of disturbances (and the urge to interfere), and that was when we had a full blown nanny.

Also please bear in mind following:-

1. if she's as good as you say, start paying her more, or someone will offer her £200 a week and pinch her off you.
2. don't forget she is an employee with full employment rights
3. don't underestimate the adjustment required to treat an employee as part of the family. That means having her with you in the evenings watching telly with you, having your wife walk through the door at the end of the day and finding herself expected to listen to au pair if she's down or upset, having to involve au pair in everything. Good luck with that.

Paying more isn't about paying over the odds for stuff you don't think you need because you'll be close by, it also creates a professional 'barrier' of expectations which I do think you will need. With two careers and a baby you will not have the mental energy for all the stuff in my third point.

I've had two nannies and maybe 8 au pairs in last 15 years. Trust me when I say you need a nanny, because you won't have the headspace for another 'family' member in this mix. Your heads will explode.

I have never come across a thread where so many posts contain utter bs.
cheesemaker - au pairs are NOT classed as employees, if they were they would earn min wage. I'm not going to link again with the government web page. They do not have full employment right as they are not employees.
4 weeks paid holidays is standard.

You do NOT have to do everything with your au pair, you are entitled to have some space with your wife and as long as you make that clear from the start, there shouldn't be a problem.

What everyone else said, plus there are plenty of men on MN, and women can have wives too you know

Welcome!

Hi op,
We have had au pairs for several years now. My advice would be

Ask for references and check them - do not accept open letters and make sure at least one referee has known the au pair in an official capacity and gives a work email address,

Have a contract
(I can send you ours if you pm me)

Send an email summarising key points in simple English as most au pairs struggle to read the full contract( they are coming over to improve their English )

Re English lessons - if you want to give an incentive to stay you could offer to pay half of fees upfront and then give her the other half at the end of each term. This will give her a motive to stay for the first few weeks when she may be most homesick.

Make the first few days a settling in period and help her open a bank account, register with a gp, join local library, show her around.

HTH Good luck

Karoleann gives some verygood advice upthread. You as new parents might not know all about caring for your child and dangers etc so it will be a learning curve for you all. Send AP and yourselves on a paediatric first aid course (itslife skills and might save someones life) and as others have said be very very clear on roles and expectations. We love our aupairs and could not manage without them. And they are not teenagesr, there are some highly skilled older applicants looking for work experience, cv padding and gapyears, if you recriut well and offer an attractive package and treat the Aupairs as family then you have a n amazing experience ahead! Good luck!

I look after a baby and have a boss that works at home (I am a nanny) while my boss is around if there was an emergency in a 10 hour day I may see my boss about 50 minutes all day. They are working and although can interrupt occasionally I am basically on my own to manage the baby. As a nanny I am prepared for that as an a pair who has minimal childcare experience it may be a struggle.

my bet is they change their mind once the baby arrives, and decide they have a different set of criteria for the person who will be caring for their baby

With 2 good careers to fund childcare, why are you looking for a cut price option ? Your baby will be the most precious centre of your life, and you propose to leave them with an untrained teenager? Just about understandable if you have no financial alternative to keep a roof over your head, but mad otherwise and shows the innocence of pre-parenthood.

We had an au pair for one term when my youngest started school and only went until 11.55am (which was a working parent's nightmare!) and it was bad enough leaving 3 young but independent children for a few hours a day. There is no way on earth I would have left a new born with her.

My eldest DD is now looking to spend a gap year in France or Spain working as an au pair. She is sensible, intelligent and reliable with reasonable language skills. But there is no way on earth I would advise her to take on a new born! There is a depth of resilience and emotional maturity you need to look after a new baby that you just do not have as a teenager. You will know that as a certainty when yours is born.

Please go and recruit a trained nanny now.

Mel you aren't an au pair but a glorified skivvy. You are their nanny. Why are you accepting this?

I cannot believe this thread.

Having spent my whole adult life looking after other peoples children there is only one rule you have to consider.

You either trust the person looking after your baby, or you don't.

Now, would you give this au pair/nanny access to your online banking? Your email address? Your mumsnet password? No? Well don't give her your baby then.

Now, would you give this au pair/nanny access to your online banking? Your email address? Your mumsnet password? No? Well don't give her your baby then.

That is a ridiculous thing to say.

Vixxface initially I was supposed to work between 35 and 40hours a week plus additional pay if I worked more, unfortunately I think they underestimated the time they would have to work and I am now doing 50+ hours a week.

My only problem really is that they've never paid the additional hours so I am paid the same amount I was supposed to but working 20 additional hours instead. I LOVE the kid though and the family is very nice and treat me amazingly so I would normally complain about the not getting paid my extra hours and working so much but they took me on an oversea trip at the beginning of my stay and paid for everything (my salary included) so I would feel a bit greedy and ungrateful asking for that money. Plus like I said other than that, the family is great so I wouldn't want things to change in a bad way because of that...

@Maleulah what you said is ridiculous. I wouldn't give my own mother my facebook password nor my email's ( I assume everyone is entitled to privacy) yet I would still leave her my kids. I reckon you would not give your friends your banking details, yet you would trust them to look after your child for a couple hours, right ? same with your kids school/nursery ?

your comment is even more ridiculous than the OP question about taking away his Au Pair's passport Maleulah.

That where you are wrong. I would give anyone who was looking after my children that information. Particularly if my child was unable to speak and tell me how it was going.

Round here people pay more to park their car in town than they pay for childcare.

Well sorry to break it to you mameluah but you are just being a fool if you think that giving your bank details to someone make them a good/better childcare provider.

You are basically trusting someone with your personal informations, how does that make them more fitted to the job or prevent them from hurting your children ? They could well beat your kids or starve them (cause they are too young to tell you) while you are gone then use your credit card number to shop online. So yes, that's a proof of trust but it doesn't change the fact that a Nanny/ Au Pair is either good or she is crap, ( and the worse people are often the one you least expect...) and the fact that you trust them doesn't mean at all that they are trust-worthy.

To take an extreme ( and non-related to the original topic) example pedophilia often takes place between a family member and a child, I assume you trust your family with your kids and personal information does that mean they are safe from that kind of treatment ? Unfortunately not.

I don't even see the point of your original post with the question asked by OP. He obviously chose an Au Pair so I assume he think she is trust-worthy enough to look after his baby. Would giving her his mumsnet password make her any more trust-worthy or a better Au Pair ?

My point being that too many people expect far too much from people they pay far too little too regarding their children.

What I have said is an extreme example but no more shocking than considering leaving your newborn baby with someone you barely know. No matter how qualified they appear to be.

My employer I'm now self employed but when I work at a client site it's the same difference treats me amazingly by paying me properly and giving me safe, pleasant working conditions. Any employer who expects you to work for free is not treating you amazingly. I think it was Caitlin Moran who said employers show they love you with money - she isn't wrong.

Fwiw I have employed nannies, I used to work as an employment law specialist and I have not employed an au pair because my children have been too young and the job requirement has been for a nanny.

Does that qualify me enough to disagree with some posters?

Some of the posts on this thread have been a bit flippant (some of mine have been) and others have been quite reasonably pointing out the job described is a nanny job, not an au pair job and saying why. We've also seen people get cross because they know au pairs who could do this sort of work and that au pairs are not employees so don't get the same rights.

And all of that is very well but when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter what title people use for the person caring for the child; it doesn't matter where or how they recruited them. What does matter is what the job actually entails, what the terms and conditions are and what the expectations of both parties are - because that determines the employment relationship and the status of the person caring for the child. If either an employment tribunal or HMRC decided that actually, this set up is an employer/employee relationship then that could be a big problem for the op and have significant consequences.

At the way moment we don't really have enough to go on partly because the op's story changes a bit (possibly because they've not decided yet) and also because, as many people are saying, the reality of a baby can be very different from the expectation of life with a baby.

One thing is for sure the op should probably get some specific advice from an employment law expert. Probably once the baby is here and they have more of an idea of how their particular baby is in terms of needs and temperament.

I won't argue on the pay thing because yes, a lot of families unfortunately take advantage of their Au Pair/ Nanny/ Childminder etc...

But what do you want parents to do ? Stop working so they educate their children even though that means not having enough money to put food on the table and pay rent ? I think most parents just do what they think is best for their kids and hope for the best. Unfortunately not everyone is able to quit their job or have family around and willing to help them look after their kids.
OP clearly stated that there would always be someone in the house with the Au Pair so he is not going to 'leave' his newborn baby with a stranger while he goes out and around (and even if he did...).

Like I said, trusting people doesn't make them trust-worthy and to use the same example again you may trust your parents or husband with your kid it doesn't mean they can never hurt them while you are not there to see. There is a moment where you have to trust others and hope you did the right choice. You can be the best parent in the world your kids can encounter danger everywhere, at home, at school, in the park, at a friend house everywhere.
So unless you attach your kid to a leash and keep them near you at all time, there is always a moment where you have to trust others to look and care after them as good as you. I don't see a problem with having an AP as long as they are fair and check that she is able and fitted to look after a baby.

You trust your kids to go to school and be around other adults (teachers, janitors, etc...) without your supervision I am sure. Yet, I highly doubt you know all of them well enough to consider them close friends of yours ? Your kid will still go to school though right ? Is it shocking that people let their kids go to school and trust teachers and people they barely know to look after them for the whole day or do you just have something against Au Pairs and Nannies ?

(Nothing against you Mameulah, but I am having a hard time seeing the logic in your speech...)

OP hasn't said when his wife is going back to work i.e. the age of the baby.
OP hasn't said what the exact hours will be.
OP hasn't said what his job is and how able he will be to come away from work to help the au pair.
OP hasn't said the age of the au pair
OP hasn't said what qualifications the au pair has.

Yet somehow a lot of posters here know that an unqualified teenager will be looking after a newborn baby for four full days a week while he makes conference calls in a job which involves not being able to leave his desk!!!

Stop jumping to conclusions! It's unhelpful.

pass port thing is a big no no.

as someone who has worked as an au pair, and employed them, I really don't see any problem with anything else.

Meli teachers are qualified and registered. There are safeguarding policies and protocols. It is a career which ends of you are found to have mistreated a child. Au pairs and nannies are not subject to compulsory regulation so trust is immensely important. Also my school aged child is quite capable of telling me what goes on...

OP having tried to work from home with my baby around, first with a nanny doing all my marking and prep at home but only going in for contact hours and second with an au pair doing freelance work I found the nanny was able to give me the time and space to work and the au pair wasn't. So now my younger child goes to nursery 1 day while I get my freelance stuff done and we have a live our nanny the days I WOH. We lose the flexibility but it is a much surer solution for us.

No matter who you have working from home with a baby is hard. You childcarer needs to have the confidence to take charge and let you work.

And yeah, the passport thing.... no.