Nanny quit before starting because questions I asked her referee

[machinemum]

After weeks of searching, interviews etc I found a nanny I really liked and got great vibe. She came to the house twice and we talked very openly, as you do, and early last week got to an arrangement to start Monday morning, turning down some other really great girls. Friday afternoon via text message she says she cannot work for me. When I call frantically as starting work on Monday she says (via text no call) that the questions I asked her referee were completely inappropriate. I am shocked. I had great chat with her referee we spoke and laughed and shared. It was all positive and kind. Is this excuse? I know she did have a few reservations about the job, such as I may move in new year so wanted to be honest I could only commit to the end. Should I just move on trying to find someone else and forget it? Or should I find out what the questions were that were considered inappropriate? Racking my brains trying to retrace the conversation. Not like I asked her favourite position, just general things about responsibility, trust, did she socialise, strengths and weaknesses. I thought the protocol was that you do ask fairly probing questions about someone if they are going to have sole charge of your baby and be in your family, possibly staying over. Very confused. I feel let down that the referee 'warned' her against me.

I'm speechless at that post.

That's a really stupid post. You need to grow up a bit.

machinemum I can guarantee you after that post that you'll never have a nanny for long most will leave you sharpish when to realise your attitude.
I had the misfortune of working for a woman like you, in 5 years she went through 16 nannies, due to insecurity her DC had server behavioural problems.

I think you should look for alternative childcare - perhaps a nursery or childminder would suit you better.

Yes, I second snowman's suggestion. Could a nursery or childminder be an option? Then you won't need to go through the recruitment process. Or use an agency?

The solution is not to 'just find your nanny from googling a bit'. Go through an agency, FGS! That's how you know your nanny has been more thoroughly vetted, not by asking her referees totally inappropriate and illegal questions.

Realise that sounded sharp

With my first he went to nursery because I couldn't cope with the idea of a nanny. Once my second came along a nanny was the only practical solution. I used a reputable agency and they were very good at sending candidates they thought would fit. Yes it cost me but it gave me peace of mind that they had gone through a formal process and someone else was checking crb/references as well as me.

You had some sympathy with your first post OP. Your post mentioning anal sex was inappropriate, your most recent post is completely over the top and makes you look like a raving lunatic. I think the nanny has had a lucky escape.

I don't get all of op's jokey replies

Is she trying to be funny

Yes you can ask personal questions if you feel you have the right to know the answers and makes an impact on whether you hire the nanny

But you ask the nanny !!!!

And yes mn can be such a supportive place. Woolly hugs proves that as does secret Santa

The support and caring that an Internet site gave me after dh died was amazing. Total strangers who donate knit and send to those who need it

And the nanny didn't want to work for you?! I can't imagine why

I think the earlier posts branding the nanny sensitive/entitled/lucky escape etc. may want to rethink. Maybe shouldn't judge someone's response to questions before you even know what the questions were?

I was totally about to give the OP a supportive message along the lines of "you don't need a nanny who is so massively over-sensitive to having references checked. Probably hiding something" until I found out that the OP doesn't know the basics of employment law and has such a childish sense of humour and lack of basic ability to understand others that she would be a nightmare to work for.

OP your latest post shows you really aren't suitable to be an employer. Find a nice nursery where your child will be signed on and off the premises and there is a written policy for everything. Having a nanny requires a level of trust.

Asking what religion doesn't protect against the nanny being a nutcase because there are nutcases in every religion whether christian, muslim, Jewish or cult of the flying spaghetti monster (which has some perfectly nice reliable and non-nutty adherents) so asking what religion remains out of bounds and none of your business, your question is "is this person a raving nutcase" which can be answered without reference to religious persuasion. Likewise asking about her partner remains out if bounds because unless you intend to also check up on her father, brothers, flatmates, neighbours and friends it is no protection so if you really feel you can't trust her to judge which of her acquaintances might reasonably have contact with the children then you simply lay down a ground rule that the children are not to have contact with her acquaintances without you having a chance to vet them - but that's something you talk to the nanny about, not her referee.

So glad that this girl found out about your attitude before starting work.

Koala - what "thorough vetting" do you think an agency does that an employer can't?

Weird odd OP. of course she didn't want to work for you.

The first poster who said If she is a Muslim then it is possibly the fact you are Jewish that is the problem.

do piss off, there's a love.

hollie, it's not whether a previous employer can, it's whether they did.

I would presume an agency checks a standard list of things like qualifications, work permits, First Aid Certs, etc. A previous employer might not be as thorough. Or, in fact, might not actually be a previous employer but actually the nanny's cousin telling lies for her. (This happened to someone I know.)

The point is that an agency ads an extra level of security/accountability.

Ps sure any partner isn't going to admit to a notorious drunkard and sex offender running extensive paedophile rings across the world if they are one

Koala - why can't a prospective employer check qualifications and work permits? If a nanny gets her cousin to pretend to be a reference, what difference does it make if it's an employer or an agency they talk to?

Nannies usually show their passport for ID to employer and/or agency that is then checked against police records. In regards to first aid qualification a nanny should be able to provide the certificate herself.
The nanny will then provide them with written references and contact details usually of at least her last two jobs.
An agency does not do anything a parent can't do. Usually the parents will do all the same checks even if the agency has already done them.

That has to be one of the most bizarre dates I have ever read!

Agree with others ; trust is vital for employer nanny relationship to work.
If you don't trust the nanny then use a nursery.

If you go through a nanny agency, they have already checked and interviewed the nanny. Then you (the parent) do your own checks and interviews. That's two layers of scrutiny by two independent (ie not friends of the nanny) parties. Including one (the agency) whose reputation is on the line if they screw it up.

That is why i would get a nanny through an agency. Ditto a cleaner.

Wow OP, I would totally love to be a Nanny for your family not

Your posts don't even make sense.

What the heck was that last post from the OP all about?

A nanny agency is not a necessity. You can check the nanny yourself just as well if not better than an agency will. It's fine if you want the security of an agency, but no-one should feel like they have to shell out thousands of pounds to find a nanny who isn't a lunatic. You can do it by yourself should you want to. Sites like this will offer help and advice on any bits you're not sure of (and for free).

Batshit.

I think you would be happier either a nursery op. And the staff would have safety in numbers!