Nanny quit before starting because questions I asked her referee

[machinemum]

After weeks of searching, interviews etc I found a nanny I really liked and got great vibe. She came to the house twice and we talked very openly, as you do, and early last week got to an arrangement to start Monday morning, turning down some other really great girls. Friday afternoon via text message she says she cannot work for me. When I call frantically as starting work on Monday she says (via text no call) that the questions I asked her referee were completely inappropriate. I am shocked. I had great chat with her referee we spoke and laughed and shared. It was all positive and kind. Is this excuse? I know she did have a few reservations about the job, such as I may move in new year so wanted to be honest I could only commit to the end. Should I just move on trying to find someone else and forget it? Or should I find out what the questions were that were considered inappropriate? Racking my brains trying to retrace the conversation. Not like I asked her favourite position, just general things about responsibility, trust, did she socialise, strengths and weaknesses. I thought the protocol was that you do ask fairly probing questions about someone if they are going to have sole charge of your baby and be in your family, possibly staying over. Very confused. I feel let down that the referee 'warned' her against me.

Was it a live in position ? Otherwise I cannot think why you would need or feel it appropriate to ask a referee about her life beyond her duties, unless other responses suggested it had an impact on her work and efficiency.

I'm guessing that the previous employer has contacted her to warn her about what you were asking.

I think you probably got far to personal from what you have said here.

Asking about anything relating to an equalities legislation "protected characteristic" is inappropriate and marks you, from an employee perspective, as a potentially discriminatory employer who might very likely be unpleasant to work for.

Can't google for a complete list on this phone but it includes things like sexual orientation, maternity status, age, race, and I think also religion.

Asking about a boyfriend shows you were assuming she's heterosexual = none of your business, and also that you might well have been probing to assess how likely she might be to claim maternity leave any time soon = actively illegal. The correct response when the referee mentioned that she's religious was to move on because it's none of your business, not to enquire what kind and hypothesise what problems this might cause.

On hearing of such a convo I think I'd pass on working for you too.

I would be offended by you asking about religion actually. And about my personal life - it has no bearing on how I do my job.

Her religion has no bearing on whether you offer her the job - legally - you may not discriminate in grounds of religion, therefore asking about it during the interview process is a no no.

Sorry but you need a few lessons in being an employer. You did ask 'inappropriate' questions, by inappropriate I mean 'none of your business'.

You asked if she liked anal sex??!! Ahem.

I think you owe her an apology. You intended the chat to "get to know her" but an employee would interpret questions about religion and relationships as intrusive and possibly discriminatory.

I can see you didn't intend it and you had hired her (so wasn't discriminating) but you were too informal in your chat.

Oops sorry, just saw asterisk

Protected Characteristics are: age, disability, gender, gender reassignment; marriage or civil partnership status, pregnancy, maternity or parenthood status, race, religion/belief or lack thereof and sexual orientation.

No employment decision either before or during employment should be affected by any of these things except at the employees own request (e.g. an employee or potential employee might say "I'm a muslim and would prefer to have Fridays rather than Sundays off if that is possible") and so it is entirely inappropriate to ask any question probing what a potential employee's status is regarding any of these characteristics.

Oh dear. You way overstepped the mark, and some of what you asked is definitely borderline illegal, if not actually illegal.

This person is an employee, they're a nanny, you have to treat them as such, and that includes being professional when asking for references.

I wouldn't work for you if you'd asked those sort of questions.

What would you have done if the referee had said she was in a same sex relationship and didn't have a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend was planning to get married (and therefore have babies of her own, perhaps?) - way beyond what was acceptable questions.

You need to have a rethink before you interview anyone else and make sure you don't overstep the mark again, and the same when you ask for references.

as others have said, asking about her private life was something you should have asked nanny

i normally get asked if i have a partner/ married etc - apart from when dh died and agencies pre warned famillies as if they had asked in general chit chat about my husband i would have burst into tears!!

many nannies i know wouldnt dream of bf/hubby meeting the kids, so no need to know about him iyswim - unless pre arranged with mb/db

so yes you were out or order, and tbh the 'anal' sex joke wasnt funny

Oh dear. Yes you were massively out of order. I wouldn't work for you either if you'd asked those questions.

Also baffled that you'd ask 'whatever I like' because you are leaving your child with her- but presumably happy to invite her boyfriend in 'as part of the family' based on her current employers opinion on him.

I would have done exactly the same in the nanny's position. I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but you really really were. Perhaps it's ignorance? Either way, you need to remember that as an employer you need to be professional in the questions you ask of a potential employee.

Asking what someone's boyfriend is is also making huge assumptions on them. What is she were gay, for example?

Don't blame your nanny at all.. Glad for her that she found out how inappropriate you were

As a nanny my I would often take the advice of my references/ex bosses when choosing a new job. They knew me well and I often found their opinions insightful.
Once I was offered 3 jobs on the same day my ex boss, who was also a recruitment consultant, heavily favoured one family I took her advice and she was right it was the perfect family for me.

If a prospective employer were to ask questions about my private life then yes it would put me off. After all why would her BF ever come into contact with your DC, why would you need to know about him?
Think about how you would feel about if your boss was to ask personal questions about your DH and what you do outside of work?

This girl had a lucky escape I think. You sound rather strange

I was just about to post what LittleBairn has said.

OP, what questions were you asked at your interview for your job? Did your boss ask if you had a husband? What your religion was? How much wine did you drink?

Oh dear, lessons learnt for next time. Think it's too late to build bridges with your intended nanny as the relationship will have been soured by the intrusive questioning

I don't think the OP sounds strange, she has just misunderstood the boundaries of the nanny/boss relationship.

You are still hiring an employee to do a job, even though the job is childcare. You aren't adding someone to your family, so you don't need to know about their private life.

The thing is, those are things you might discuss with a colleague or employee as you get to know them. They are not related to someone's employability.

By discussing them with a referee, you are highlighting them as aspects that YOU consider key to suitability. Sorry to say this, but if you think they are then you are not going to be a good employer and need to rethink your expectations.

Sorry can't believe this is a genuine reply from the OP. ??
OP has some one hacked your account.

Which part cant you believe to be genuine Florence?

It may be that Florence also didn't spot the * - the OP did not ask if the prospective nanny liked anal, but was making a joke.

No spotted the * bit but found the whole answer strange. Surely no one would be that insensitive.

Sorry, OP, I think that you have been naïve and over informal, and in doing so strayed into some areas that really should not be asked in an employment context.

I think you could text her back and say you have thought about it and realise you did go over the line, and indeed into areas that legally you shouldn't have asked about, but that was because you saw her as becoming like part of the family, and having spoken to her referee you were still looking forward to working with her, and you are sorry you have upset her.

Sorry this has left you in a difficult position, OP - lesson hard learned!