Au Pair and Food!

[OvertiredandConfused]

We have a great new au pair for DC 11 and 13 - so more of a taxi driver, big sister, provider of meals etc. She's been here for about a month - longer if you count the two week break where she chose to holiday separately rather than join us.

As with many people, our monthly budget is fairly tight. We're better than many, but not lots of spare cash and counting the pennies very carefully towards payday.

Since our au pair came, our food budget has rocketed. Typically, we'd expect to see an increase of about £15-20 to add in another adult plus a few foods the AP especially likes for lunches etc. That's par for the course and I encourage our APs to tell me what they'd like - it's their home too etc, etc. Usually, when cooking, we cook for 6 and then there is a portion left that sometimes is eaten by the AP at lunch and sometimes taken to work by me or DH.

However, the current lovely AP is a big girl and she eats a LOT. I did my main weekly shop last Saturday (Friday today) with another coming today.

I did a top-up shop on Tuesday and the cupboards and fridge are still bare this morning. Plus there are no leftovers for anyone to have at lunchtime.

As an example, she's eaten 8 eggs, three packets of ham, a packet of bacon, 3 cartons of OJ, 3/4 of a roast chicken, 6 apples,and the homemade brownies that usually last a good week that were made on Tuesday have all gone. For her lunch she says she has a salad and some soft fruit with yoghurt and breakfast is muesli (that I buy for her as no-one else eats it) so what I have outlined is on top of the food that I'd normally expect IYSWIM.

We were hoping to have a family curry out this evening (and include AP, as we always do) but we can't afford it as I've spent £50 more on food this week than I usually do when we have an AP.

Do I need to just suck it up or could I say something? If so, what? I reckon the next few days are my only chance if I do want to say anything as after that will be too late. We've talked about reviewing things generally this weekend now the school routine is re-established.

Everything else is great so I do realise we may need to adapt, but it will impact on what we can do as a family a bit so I thought I'd ask.

That sounds very awkward!

Can you get a little fridge for her room? Then say she can eat meals with you as a family but anything extra she buys herself on top and keeps separately.

No room for a fridge. Could maybe identify more clearly how long I expect to go before shopping again and what is needed for family meals. If I also ask her for a list of food she needs for breakfast and lunch and then offer her somewhere to keep an extras she chooses to buy herself, would that be fair?

I once as an Au Pair was told that I was eating the wrong foods (eg Fathers pizzas etc) and should just eat sandwiches, and I felt so incredibly awkward after that I felt like I didn't want to eat anything in their house again.

So phrase it nicely!

Maybe suggest that she has a shelf in the fridge for any extras she wants to buy?

This comes up from time to time; you'll get a variety of responses.

Eating loads (or not much, either extreme) can be a sign of homesickness; it may taper off on its own. Does your AP have much going on during the day? Is there any chance this is sort of boredom eating? Does she seem otherwise happy?

I think you should tell her you're organising yourself by doing a meal plan for the week and you need xyz items to last for all of you during the course of that week. If the ham and apples were also meant to be part of the DCs packed lunches then add those into the meal plan too.

Can you do the thing people often suggest and buy in other items like pasta to top up?

I know it's not fun for the rest of you but for other items like the orange juice you may need to go to a system where it's just not replaced after you've bought the quantities you think are reasonable for the week.

I do think what you've described, if it has been over a seven day period, is not showing particular consideration to other members of the household, in pareticular the person who is organising the meals for everyone!

Teh other thing is, if this is the first time she's lived apart from her family, whe may have no idea what things cost and how people plan their lives to get to the end of the week w/o having to go to the store every single day. One of our au pairs used to present me with shopping lists in December thta included fresh berries and smoked salmon (for her toast). Some stuff we just ignored, but she would also do things like drink all the milk, leaving DH to rush to corner shop for the breakfast stuff the next morning, come down and make herself cereal without the least bit of thought how this gallon of milk appeared again, as if by magic.

Thanks for the replies. She's been an au pair before, has also lived away from home when not au pairing and is 23. It's just that she likes her food. As I said, she is a big girl - about a size 22. That's her choice and no judgement / disapproval from me in terms of her choices, just wondering how much it's reasonable for me to fund!

I am going to do a more detailed weekly plan, specify what we need other than for the main evening meal and then ask what she thinks she needs for her breakfast and lunch. I'll make sure portion sizes available for her are the same size as my DH. I'll also highlight a space, in the fridge and cupboards, where she can keep anything else "if she fancies treating herself". Hope that works.

We kinda did the same for our last aupair, she used to with us but decided we ate too early for her so I used to write down what she wanted for lunch and dinner and she had a section of the fridge and she used to cook for herself (about 10 which is random) she found the £1 shop so I gave her £10 a week extra and she spent it on junk and ate until it was all gone !

Could you buy a load of value stuff in ? So if she drinks tonnes of orange juice it won't cost as much if it's the value stuff, ditto bread

Stickers..... Buy 2 colours. One is do not eat as is for a meal, another is eat but only a small amount as must last the week or need some for breakfast etc, no sticker is FREE eat...eat all you want. Leave stickers off bread, biscuits, yoghurts, crisps, eggs, cheaper foods etc
Works really well if explained properly.

Brilliant idea jendot !

I find it surprising you expected £15 more a week to feed an extra person. I'd factor in around £50 depending on where you leave.

I'd say to her that weekly food budget is so and so per person and you can't spare more than that. If she eats up her share, she has to feed herself for the rest if the week. To manage that you could say that usually you'd have 2 slices if toast for breakfast, breast of chicken with sone salad for lunch, etc. and if she feels that's not enough fir her, she will need to buy more herself.

I find it surprising you expected £15 more a week to feed an extra person. I'd factor in around £50 depending on where you live.

I'd say to her that weekly food budget is so and so per person and you can't spare more than that. If she eats up her share, she has to feed herself for the rest if the week. To manage that you could say that usually you'd have 2 slices if toast for breakfast, breast of chicken with sone salad for lunch, etc. and if she feels that's not enough fir her, she will need to buy more herself.

Holy - do you really think £50 per week is what people spend on shopping per household member? That would mean I should spend £200 per week for me, dh and 2 adult dc's when I actually spend around £100 and we eat well - and that includes cleaning products, shampoo etc but no alcohol.

Yes, I think so.
And I know so. I did say depending on the area. The au-pair is a grown up, a child could be allocated less.

Round where we live the food budget is exactly that. DD and I use £100 per week and I have to be careful to stick to it, easy to spend more.

the friends with husbands and 1/2 small children would spend £200 per week and that is budget for, not spending willy nilly.

We have a situation at home which warrants 6 staff members coming and going at various times and having access to everything we eat as a family so I seem to cook for about 9 at each meal time which is ok as its what Ive always done.

It was never a problem till recently when the arrival of a new member of staff seemed to coincide with cries from everyone of - what happened to such and such that was in the fridge, or where the hell did that all go? It was an awful situation to be in because food is life and how do you go about saying to someone - Im sorry but you're not the only one who likes x y or z so please dont eat it all?

I was mortified and just didn't know what to do so I took the cowards way out and started putting things in the fridge in boxes with labels on them saying ingredients for tomorrows lunch/dinner, snack, help yourself, for so and so when they come on duty, for me, - the list of labels was bloody endless truth be told but it didnt need done for long. A couple of weeks in and the message had obviously got across and things settled down.

I still dont know how I would have actually said - please stop being so unreasonable because whilst help yourself to whatever you fancy generally does mean help yourself to whatever you fancy, there is usually an element of politeness in the situation that means a person doesn't go overboard and eat everyone else in the house out of house and home.

I was quite disgusted by the way the person went about it. It showed a distinct lack of good manners.

Bloody hell HolyQuad that is a lot per person.

I'm not good at meal planning or anything like some mumsnetters seem to be, but we spend around £100 to £120 per week for all food for 2 adults, 2 teenagers (who eat more) and a nine year old, plus 2 cats and a dog!

I would have thought allowing an extra £15 or £20 to weekly shop would be more than adequate for the OP

£50 is a lot of food for just one person if you are cooking in bulk for a family. There are 2 adults and 2 children in our house and we spend maybe a maximum of £100 to feed all of us. And we live down south in a relatively expensive area.
Not really sure what difference it makes as far as cost goes. Surely tesco prices are the same wherever you are.
I like the stickers idea. Or allocating her a space in the fridge/cupboards for her stuff. You provide some and then once it's gone she has to sort herself out.

Holy quad that is a huge amount of money my budget for me, DD and the au pair is £50 per week in total. We live reasonably well on that. I increased the budget by £20 per week when the AP arrived.
I have a shelf in the fridge that is free/ lunch food and she knows what dry goods are free food.

Oh and I am in a very expensive area in the South East.

We do spend approx £50 per person here.

However maybe you could go half way? I think £15 extra is quite low and only accounts if you always eat bulk made meals together. As she's making own lunch and presumably eats separately some eves/ maybe at weekend I think it's harder to stick to that budget

5 people eating bulk bolognaise and porridge made in one pan -£15 extra ok

4 people eating above, plus one making own meals 1/2 time -£30 ish more realistic

Also consider what is normal in her home country, ie if warm peaches probably super cheap, she might not realise how much more here especially out of season. Can you ask her to do a food shop on ocado or in supermarket keeping to x budget for family for week to allow her to see actual costs?

We had an au pair who ate a lot and that did cost us a lot, and I'm talking about £70 top up two times a week. We simply sat her down and told her the truth - your eating has cost us more than your weekly pocket money. explained the money situation and got her to plan every meal for the next week and stick to it. everything extra must be paid by you. After that, no more top ups and our budget was back on track

£50 per person! Where do you shop!

I shop in discount supermarkets with the odd bit from somewhere more expensive - budgeting around £30 per week for ds and I. I would expect another adult in my house to more than double the budget!

wouldn't d'oh!

Should - I don't think it's necessarily where someone shops but what they choose to eat. We eat mainly paleo here so for example some peoples lunch would be cheese sandwich, we have something like chicken/ salmon and veg/ salad. It costs more admittedly