Au Pair and Food!

[OvertiredandConfused]

We have a great new au pair for DC 11 and 13 - so more of a taxi driver, big sister, provider of meals etc. She's been here for about a month - longer if you count the two week break where she chose to holiday separately rather than join us.

As with many people, our monthly budget is fairly tight. We're better than many, but not lots of spare cash and counting the pennies very carefully towards payday.

Since our au pair came, our food budget has rocketed. Typically, we'd expect to see an increase of about £15-20 to add in another adult plus a few foods the AP especially likes for lunches etc. That's par for the course and I encourage our APs to tell me what they'd like - it's their home too etc, etc. Usually, when cooking, we cook for 6 and then there is a portion left that sometimes is eaten by the AP at lunch and sometimes taken to work by me or DH.

However, the current lovely AP is a big girl and she eats a LOT. I did my main weekly shop last Saturday (Friday today) with another coming today.

I did a top-up shop on Tuesday and the cupboards and fridge are still bare this morning. Plus there are no leftovers for anyone to have at lunchtime.

As an example, she's eaten 8 eggs, three packets of ham, a packet of bacon, 3 cartons of OJ, 3/4 of a roast chicken, 6 apples,and the homemade brownies that usually last a good week that were made on Tuesday have all gone. For her lunch she says she has a salad and some soft fruit with yoghurt and breakfast is muesli (that I buy for her as no-one else eats it) so what I have outlined is on top of the food that I'd normally expect IYSWIM.

We were hoping to have a family curry out this evening (and include AP, as we always do) but we can't afford it as I've spent £50 more on food this week than I usually do when we have an AP.

Do I need to just suck it up or could I say something? If so, what? I reckon the next few days are my only chance if I do want to say anything as after that will be too late. We've talked about reviewing things generally this weekend now the school routine is re-established.

Everything else is great so I do realise we may need to adapt, but it will impact on what we can do as a family a bit so I thought I'd ask.

I think that's excessive, our au pair eats with us a couple of times a week, but the rest of the time she buys her own food (through a supermarket gift card that I top up when needed). Our last au pair spent £15/week on food, the current one spends about £25/week I don't put a limit on it as I don't want someone to be hungry. She has her own kitchenette in her flat.

One of the school mums suggested before I had my first au pair, that we didn't choose someone who was significantly overweight as they eat too much. I know its not very PC to suggest that, but I also have issues with having a role model for the children, who is very overweight.
I am not someone who finds it easy to stay at my size 10 and I would always like to have an au pair who feels that its important and healthy to stay at an acceptable weight.

many many years ago when I was an au pair, we had the rule that I ate the 3 meals with the family. anything else I had to buy (and pay for) myself.

We eat all main meals together and I buy in what she requests for her breakfast and lunch.

Bottom line is just that she eats a lot more than us. So, for me, DH or DD breakfast might be a large handful of raspberries and another of blueberries with about 3-4 tablespoons of yoghurt and a banana mid-morning. DS has a couple of slices of toast and a large glass of milk. AP has 1/2 pot of yogurt, half a punnet each of raspberries and blueberries, a banana, half a melon and 2 slices of toast with two pieces of ham. That's when she's having a light breakfast.

We had a chat at the weekend about how often I shop, how long things need to last and her giving me a list of what she needs on that basis. I also said that some former APs have wanted to keep some additional snack food that they've bought and others haven't and that we can set aside space in the fridge and cupboards if she wants to do that. Seemed to go okay.

I'm hoping expecting that this will get us to a compromise where she either reins it in a bit or tops up and I buy more of the basics so she can have the larger portions without us running out mid week.

Do make sure there's enough food she can have freely, though - even if it's bulking out food like bread/pasta/cereals. Also that the portion sizes are definitely enough for her, even if it's more than your husband eats. Men only tend to eat more than women because they tend to be bigger. The number of calories you need to stay the same (and feel you've had enough to eat) increases with size. So a big girl will need to eat a lot in order not to feel hungry, possibly more than a slim, average-height man.

I'm as tall as most men, and need to eat as much as my DH normally, and when I was pregnant I was STARVING all the time. But when we were away from home I felt too awkward to ask for more except some extra bread, say. After a few times, when we went to visit people I used to bring food with me (hidden in my bag). I hope I never get outed: MIL would be absolutely horrified to think I ever left her table hungry, let alone while I was pregnant!

But I'll never forget how horrible it was to not get enough to eat at a meal.

OK, being pregnant is a bit of a special case, but I imagine that feeling underfed is always completely horrible.

I think it would be unfair to expect her to provide 'normal' food for herself even if she eats a lot. It's part of the deal of being exempt from minimum wage legislation that you provide food and lodgings. However, it's not unreasonable to expect her to buy her own treats.

I am still stunned at the quantity of food that my teens can eat. It's staggering. I love my food but they can eat twice the size meals that I can eat.

My teens are all slim too.

I think you should try cooking bigger meals and see if that helps.

I dot actually think that breakfast is that big. Ok bigger than our usual but ds is 4 and this morning had yogurt with 3 different type of berries, then slice toast with cream cheese and boiled egg. He's underweight if anything. From above she basically has large bowl fruit with yogurt, then x2 pieces toast. Not extra ordinarily huge

I really don't get why you had to spend £50 more on food than you would usually do when you have an AP.

You say when you usually have an AP, you would usually expect to see an increase of about £15-20 per week (which seems a bit tight to me) on top of your normal family shop.

So what on earth are you buying to spend £50 more than that?

The extras you list, "8 eggs, three packets of ham, a packet of bacon, 3 cartons of OJ, 3/4 of a roast chicken, 6 apples,and the homemade brownies" come to no where even close to £50, unless the homemade brownies are gold-plated.

For £50 you could give her two dozen (24) free range large eggs £5, 4 x 235g packs of honey roast ham £6, 4 x 250g packets of bacon £8, 8 x 1L cartons of pure orange juice £7, 2 extra large whole chickens £10, 20 apples, and £10 worth of homemade brownies!

Is she eating that much extra food?

Get a French aupair. They don't tend to eat much.

Lazy racist stereotypes and fat shaming. Good one posters.
Op the food you buy is very expensive. Berries and juice and meat are all very expensive. Buy different kinds of food if you want to save money. This person is being paid way under what any other child care provider is. I don't think you should be moaning about how much she eats. She has to live with you, don't make her awkward and don't make her uncomfortable and hungry. Just buy better and cook more.

I think I agree with betterthanabox. An extra 15 quid a week sounds dirt cheap if she's a good au pair, an extra 50 seems more reasonable, actually.

I am probably not a good yardstick, though, as I don't eat cheaply in the first place and food where I live in Australia is expensive - but my mind is boggling at the thought of being able to feed a person for 15 quid a week!

The AP's breakfast you described is absolutely normal. I think you might be underestimating 3-4 tablespoons of yoghurt!

Her breakfast sounds normal to me. If I had yours, I'd be starving by lunchtime. I agree with pp that the things you're buying are expensive. Can you bakea huge batch of muesli, stock up on cheaper filling foods?

Also her size is nothing to do with it - "her choice"?! I'm a size 6 and I eat like a horse, it's not my choice to be fairly thin, is just the way I am. I feel like you are assuming her size is because of the amount of food she eats, and therefore she should eat less.

That type of breakfast is expensive and doesn't seem to fill my dc up, they will say that they are hungry not long after. I usually bulk it out with a handful of granola or muesli as well. Where is she from? what kind of breakfast is typical? Could you offer cereal as well? thats cheap and filling, Weetabix or shreddies, and buy bigger cartons of milk. I know from during the school holidays that the dc would be fuller for longer with Weetabix or shreddies with half a banana sliced and a handful of blueberries or other berries, than if it was just yogurt.

and with regard to ize, my teens eat a lot more than that and they are thin whereas I eat half as much probably even a third of what they eat and struggle to stay a 10/12 despite lots of exercise.

Very much agree with others that £15/20 extra a week is too little.

KoalaDownUnder summed it up for me rather nicely, when she said "An extra 15 quid a week sounds dirt cheap if she's a good au pair, an extra 50 seems more reasonable, actually"

Given that, in your OP you did suggest that money was very tight, OvertiredandConfused.

"As with many people, our monthly budget is fairly tight."

"not lots of spare cash and counting the pennies very carefully towards payday"

"we can't afford (family curry) as I've spent £50 more on food this week than I usually do"

Perhaps, as the margins are so tight, you really cannot afford to have an Au Pair. It may be as simple as that.

[Although it could be a money management issue, if most of the family are eating large handfuls of raspberries and blueberries every morning].

By the way, if ... as you say ... you are not judgmental about her size, why did you feel the need to mention it in two separate posts?

Fruit doesn't fill up for long

Offer cereal /toast for breakie

Make sure meals have carbs so she can fill up on rice pasts potato etc

We had one AP (of about 10) who was a size 22 (she was 105kg) and ate loads and loads. More than DH who is over 6 foot and very fit, and certainly more than any of the 3 male APs we have had subsequently.

She had big food issues - ate constantly - and had no energy or ability to walk the mile to the boys' then school. It did become an issue, and although I was paying (at her request) for Weightwatchers' classes, I did explode when I found that she'd eaten a massive bag of salmon fillets.

I hope it works out OP - the one above left, and to be fair to the others, none have cost us anything like as much as she did.

Could you say that food money is a bit tight and you want to make sure she has nice things she likes too without kiddies eating etc (white lies!), so alongside normal meals you will cook for her, you are also going to give her a £10 snack allowance that she can shop for her bits with and put her in charge of it?

Hm, my shopping increased about 15-20 per week since aupair arrived, so this is not unreasonable provided you cook from scratch and don't buy prepared meals/take aways. I normally don't.

Karoleann-I don't believe you would put that actually in writing. It's IMO very insulting. Just because you are size 10 it doesn't mean you are fit I would never say that to anyone.
OP ,you knew when you took au-pair that she will be part of your household,hence the payment.If she is eating the way you said,I would talk to her about food budget rather making her uncomfortable and bad.
If is me,I would set three meals and in between fruits (not the whole bowl but piece or two through the day) rest £10 extra on her extra things (extra fruits,sweets.....).
If you don't talk to her you will end up paying more for food than her actual wages.
Also encourage her to go out in her spare time,walk more so she doesn't think about food....If it's not working,it's time for change....

luop - I don't have a problem putting that in writing at all. There are only downsides to obesity and there are numerous health problems associated with being obese and i wouldn't want the children to have an unhealthy role model.
I also would not employ someone who was a smoker.
The majority of obese people are that way because the eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough. I didn't say that you have to be a size 10 to be fit - i was using myself as an example.

Karoleann. I know where you are coming from. After the experience with our large AP, we always specify that we need sporty APs.

I don't have issues with my weight, but I was beginning to have them when she was with us. The way she shovelled food in, and mixed up the meat, veg and pasta - or whatever - into a massive sloppy mound, revolted me. I stopped eating with her and avoided meals. I lost 5 kg!

Wow... there is some quality fat shaming going on! I presume your cheap childcare was OK Johnogroats, even though the girl didn't eat in a manner pleasing to you? Would it have been different if you'd got a male AP who was sporty but still mounded up his food and shovelled it in?
I thought the point of Au Pairs was to allow people to get help with childcare while allowing a young person to experience living with a UK family and helping out.
This thread seems to show that people want a paid for role model, in the right dress size, who doesn't eat too much, can chauffeur and entertain kids at your convenience.

£15/20 to feed an adult for a week? I think it's unrealistic. Much closer to £35/week.