Recently dismissed au pair, Richmond upon Thames area

[Tr0tter1]

We recently had no option but to dismiss our au pair on the grounds of gross negligence.

We believe she has recently (last 3 weeks) found another au pair job. Unsurprisingly in the circumstances, we have not been asked to provide a reference. More information has come to light since her dismissal, and we feel obliged to warn her new family of her unsuitability to be looking after young children. Do you think we should try and reach out to her new family, and if so, is MN a good place to do so?

If it's illegal you should report to police.

If what she has done wasn't illegal, unfortunately, as others have pointed out, as she is an AP, and therefore unregulated, untrained (at least in this country) and the responsibility falls with you.

How would you even go about finding her new employer? How do you know she stayed in same area?

I think it's too late to do anything now. Can you not get in touch with Au Pair in question?

I would not be surprised if she left of her own accord. OP sounds a bit high maintenance to me.

That may be true tea, but unless we know what happened, it's hard to comment at all.

I appreciate you want to remain anonymous OP but no one can really help you unless you divulge reasons why you sacked her.

Did she lie? Were your children left in harms way? Did she steal?

People will start making wrong assumptions about you unless you can give more info!

This thread makes me very uncomfortable and I have reported it to MNHQ.

I don't think you should be using the anonymity of MN to warn about an au pair - by the very nature of what you want to do, the au pair will be named and you won't be.

If they have done something so heinous that you need to plaster what they did and their name (so you can warn others) all over here, then you need to go to the police or Social Services.

Not post on here.

OP thousands of people use au pairs and lots probably had au pairs who stayed a short while and moved on. You are posting on here with a user name not your real name. So fairly anonymous.
So .... as many have already said , unless you tell us what happened we can't offer you genuine advice.
You may need to contact police or social services, maybe contact next family or you may be simply vindictive????

'Morning all.

mathsgcseresit is spot on - we don't encourage any of our posters to reveal information that gives away their RL identity, or that of a third party. Happy to leave this thread up as it stands - interesting discussion of various childcare options - but please Tr0tter1, no identifying posts.

OP - imagine you saw this on here :

I recently left my au pair job due to very unfair working conditions. I believe they have recently (last 3 weeks) found another au pair. Unsurprisingly in the circumstances, I have not been asked to do a handoiver with the new au pair. More information has come to light since I left, and feel obliged to warn the new au pair of their unsuitability to be looking employers and how unfairly they will be treated. Do you thinkI should try and reach out to their new au pair, and if so, is MN a good place to do so?

Ellen - thanks

and apologies for mistakes in previous post - fat fingers! But you get the drift of what I was trying to say.

No, MN is absolutely not the place to do it. On what planet is it appropriate to slate, including their name I assume, a former employee online? What a bizarre idea.

It doesn't sound to me that OP is trying to reach out anonymously, more that she wants to reach an unknown family and is seeking advice. Presumably OP you are not being more specific to avoid outing yourself, but you really have to be.

To the attackers - YES there are some irresponsible ap employers but we have no evidence that OP is one of them. There are times I'd want to warn another parent but couldn't really go to the police. To use an example I've seen on here with a nanny, what if she'd turned up to work still worse for wear from the previous night then headed off to walk kids to junior school - surely not an unusual or unfair role for an au pair but clearly not safe in that state and I'd talk to the agency about getting her on a plane, but also not worthy of police involvement.

More to the point - if there are actually children at risk right now, maybe this is a time to address that and discuss employment standards on a fresh thread.

It's pretty obvious you are incredibly difficult as you can't even respond on your own thread without being arsey. I am sure your ex au pair is busy warning other au pairs off your family tbh.

Oh, and I do agree with pps that mn is not a great place due to the lack of right of reply. But understand that it's hard to get in touch with unknown families.

Custard - I read the OP's opening post as "can I try to find her new employer I hope they're on MN so I can tell them what she did"

And that the OP is trying to contact the new family via Gumtree and Au Pair World. To tell them how awful the au pair was/is.

Not sure the OP deserves some of the criticism levelled at her. Earlier this year I found out some disturbing information about our nanny - what one would be termed misconduct - which resulted in having to instantly dismiss her. To complicate matters she actually was working out her notice period at the time - she'd been with us over 3 years and was leaving to go to a job with more hours.

I was never contacted by the new family for a reference - god knows what she told them. Makes me really uncomfortable that she's nannying for another family without them knowing the full picture, so I can understand the position the OP is in.

But surely if you employ a nanny or an Au Pair through reputably Agencies as is recommended then if they leave due to misconduct you can inform the Agency at least, who if the deeds are as bad as inferred on here would never have them on their books again and I suspect all the good Agencies talk to one another. They would also advise as to the best next steps are taken for instance if the Police or Social Services.

If you use Social Net work sites and other un regulated advertising sites then how would you know who you really have and you have no where to go to complain.

I would have thought the moral of this tale would be to use properly Registered Reputable Nanny and Au Pair Agencies. At least when you use a Nursery or Registered Childminder they are Registered and Regulated by Ofsted so if there is a Welfare or Child Protection Issue they can be reported, you also have the assurance that they have DBS checks which are updated if they do something that would affect their suitability to be with children and Ofsted are Automatically informed by the Police and or Social Services so at least a parent has some security.

I do think some posters have been overly harsh to the OP however she has to realise it's an incredibly delicate situation.

Adp73 - where is it recommended to use an agency? The majority of them seem to be utterly useless 'introductory agencies' with little or no complaints procedures. Have you actually used one as an employer?

The OP was posting to hopefully protect other people from hosting an unsuitable girl? From what she has posted there is no reason to suspect that she wasn't a good employer/host mother.
There are many genuine reasons she could have been asked to leave. I would ask someone (a nanny/mother's help or au pair) to leave if they were acting unsafely with my children.

I agree FickleByNurture

Adp73, you are placing your trust in Agencies? You clearly have no clue.

I think you need to say what the au pair did - I'm Assuming left the child alone /didn't use car seats /was drunk or on drugs - these things could all in danger the children but didn't this time iyswim

Also assume your children are 5+ as you says free time during school hours so yes course you can have an au pair and keep childcare costs down

It is hard to give advice when we don't know what the problem
Is

Re agencies:

I had to get rid of my well-qualified nanny because I found out she was meeting her friends in a pub during working hours and lying about where she was with the kids.

She registered with an agency. Before I even said anything, the woman said she had a terrible problem with nannies socialising on working time. She then asked me if I had any concerns about the outgoing nanny and I explained. She was shocked. She then asked if I could give a reference just with the positives. I said I would think about it.

A few days later, a mum called about my outgoing nanny - she had been sent my nanny by the agency who had clearly just told her they had "checked the references" and hadn't actually clarified that it was not a good one.

I have to defend the au pair model. A 'big sister' is exactly the model of childcare we want. It isn't exploitative in our case, the girls are fantastic and our children love them to bits. The au pairs broaden their horizons and have a lot of gap year fun.

I hope others not put off au pairs by some of the comments above

Au pairs can work brilliantly for an older child or if the parent is mostly around, say working from home. But from personal experience I would not use one for childcare except for children aged 8+.
But after-school care is so hard to find in the cities - nannies need more hours and child minders want full time kids - so I do empathise with those who who feel they have no choice.

I think that au-pairs can be a good option for being 'an extra pair of hands' as described above, or providing wrap-around in fairly controlled circumstances.

Personally, I would avoid using one for sole care for children under five. I think the two main issues are relying on them to react appropriately in an emergency and different cultural ideas about childrearing/child-safety.

Oh dear, did she give Lady Maud instant coffee again?

The horror....