nightmare with au pair and she has been here less than a week

[Fried]

Please help me I just don't know what to do.

Au pair arrived on Wednesday evening. I collected her from the airport all fine. Let her rest on Thursday and Friday and paid her for the rest days. At the weekend I showed her around area and took her to Oxford Street and the Notting Hill carnival as she wanted to go.

She was meant to work today at 8 - 9 am but stayed in bed until 1 pm. She has not lifted a finger in 6 days. Tomorrow is her day off so she won't work then. We only see her when dinner is ready. She does not even put her plate in the dishwasher.

To be honest I just want her to leave. My children are fed up as we are wasting £100 per week on someone that does nothing and we can't really afford it.

Any ideas? I have asked her to get up. I sent her a detailed timetable before she accepted the job but now she is here she does nothing.

Your situation is not really the typical aupair family set-up. Your children are older than the norm for starters and if you only require 10 hours of help per week that leaves a heck of a lot of time for an aupair to do something or nothing. Most aupairs are looking for positions with 20-25 hours of mostly childcare and some cleaning or general housekeeping involved. Many would not expect to, or be able to, cook a complete meal. Some, obviously, will be able to whip up three courses of gourmet food with no difficulty.

Given the slightly more unusual nature of your requirements, you were probably never going to be attractive to a lot of candidates. On the other hand you were always going to attract the small minority who just wanted a nice trip to another country and for someone else to pick up the tab for their extended sightseeing. I have found that once you deviate from the norm with aupairs, finding a good fit is always far more of a gamble. You've lost this one and you need to get rid of her - you also do not need to give her two unpaid weeks, presumably living in your house and eating your food, to sort herself out.

Moving on, I'm really not convinced that you need an aupair at all. Unless these 10 hours of care are in some really unusual combination, you could employ a good cleaner/housekeeper instead. For the occasional overnights, can your ex not help? The children are still his responsibility too! Otherwise, the idea of an overnight babysitter is a better one than having someone in your home permanently to cover these rare occasions.

Oh and I fail to see how a family emergency meant she couldn't work (for one or two hours?) yesterday. How exactly was she helping the emergency by staying in her room thousands of miles away from her family?

Have you posted about this before OP? Just rings a bell about the children's ages and an au-pair.

Why can't your 15/16 yo stay with your ex when you work away?

A family emergency that required her to stay in bed until 1pm?

What, was she astrally projecting to a family meeting or something?

vital

don't feel bad - deep breath and tell her you're sorry, but it hasn't worked out
ignore ex totally
get eg Waitrose/M&S dinners to save hassle
get nice person to clean etc, tell them EXACTLY what you want done

When I was a student I lodged with a family. It was a single mum and her daughter.
The mum worked in a different city and her work required overnight stays, but didn't want to move her daughter, who was 16 away from school and friends.
So she had first year students come and lodge with her. They were the 'adults' in the house as DD was mature enough to cope alone. It worked very well. There were clear ground rules and she only took in female students.

Fried - i really feel for you. I think you have been very understanding and too kind with your Au Pair, and unfortunately now she is walking all over you and taking the P. You were nice enough to give her the first few days as paid leave, and haven't insisted on making up her hours or questioned her actions over her 'family emergency'. If I was at work and had a family emergency I would have the courtesy and decency to let my line manager I wouldn't be able to work - before my starting time. It seems that she only apologised after she had a nudge from your daughter. She didn't even offer to make up her hours, or even tidy up after herself, which indicates she has the wrong attitude all round.

I have had many APs over the years, and have had some excellent advice from experienced host mumsnetters. I recommend the following:-

1. Get rid of her as soon as possible - I personally find this very hard because I am a wuss, but once they leave, my house and family and my personal well being feels SO MUCH BETTER. To date, I have never regretted a decision to fire them - simply that I didn't do it sooner. (I still hate having to do it though)

2. An AP with the right attitude will be bending over backwards to create a good impression in the first few weeks. (After all, if you started a new job, wouldn't you?). Anyone who doesn't has issues. Cut your losses, and get rid of this one

3. A bad AP will rarely - if at all get better. It is not worth trying to performance manage them, and as it is not their long term career, I doubt they care. I tried for 11 months to performance manage one AP. It was exhausting, and really not worth it. Although they may up their game for a few days, they invariably slip into their bad habits....

4. Start with tough rules. It is far easier to relax them afterwards, but much harder to become strict or impose new rules later. A strong start when they arrive also puts you in the position of setting your expectations and rules.

5. remember that there are many fantastic APs out there. If one doesn't work out, you will in time, find a great one. I have had some fantastic ones who we really do consider as part of the family, and we couldn't function without them. These APs would always offer to help - even on their days/hours off as they genuinely wanted to help out. I would be the one refusing their help and insisting they go back to bed or relax instead!

I agree with unexpected, that finding an AP who can look after your dc will be difficult due to their ages and the hours that you want - but it is not impossible. Perhaps you could consider other options too.

What's the latest Fried? I hope things have improved hugely, or that she is long gone!

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all your help and support. As you know I emailed her. She came to speak to me after her day off. I had had very little sleep so was grumpy and able to make sure she understood that this would not continue.

She has been working and made a couple of lovely meals. Things are ok here at the moment but I have found a number of nannies that are happy to do overnight care if needed on an ad hoc basis. I now feel so much better as if she does anything else like this again I will just ask her to leave. In fact, the suggestions of cleaner etc would make my life easier so I don't really care if she stays or goes now that I know a cleaner/occasional overnight nanny would work. This means that I no longer feel that I have to put up with rubbish behaviour and I won't.

That's brilliant :)

I am glad you feel you have enough back up that you aren't being held hostage by her.

I think 'ad hoc' nannies and a cleaner or housekeeper who will stay over or whatever will be a much better option for you going forward, it will also be very easy for you to find a nanny to do overnights because it's not as if they can't be on their own for a couple of hours in the early afternoon or morning - so it would be very easy for a nanny to work around her day job.

I still think you need to be careful that your DD doesn't see herself as 'Boss of the Au Pair' (or the cleaner or the nanny or the housekeeper) she's not and if she is coming across that way then it isn't going to work out with anyone you employ. Irrespective of their age or title, you employ them to mind her, they are in a position of authority over her, not the other way around.

You said My daughter could run a household now as she is so organised and hard working so then you need to question what sort of help you actually need in the house and make sure everyone's position, responsibility and authority is well understood.

You cannot have your DD 'having a word' with anyone, then expecting that anyone being able to lay down the law with her when you are away. You need to accept that if you are going to allow your DD to have that kind of role in the home then the person you employ can't be responsible for your DD when you aren't there.

Sorry that's long winded, but it seems like you are heading into a period of having various forms of 'home help' and I think you need to think some of these things through to make your life easier - and whoever you hire to help.

Given the time you posted that message, you still aren't getting much sleep :( You need to get it sorted as best you can, you have a lot on your plate and being sleep deprived isn't going to help.

Look after yourself

So glad to hear that things have improved and as you say, you can relax a little now that you have a back up plan.