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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

nightmare with au pair and she has been here less than a week

86 replies

Fried · 26/08/2014 21:45

Please help me I just don't know what to do.

Au pair arrived on Wednesday evening. I collected her from the airport all fine. Let her rest on Thursday and Friday and paid her for the rest days. At the weekend I showed her around area and took her to Oxford Street and the Notting Hill carnival as she wanted to go.

She was meant to work today at 8 - 9 am but stayed in bed until 1 pm. She has not lifted a finger in 6 days. Tomorrow is her day off so she won't work then. We only see her when dinner is ready. She does not even put her plate in the dishwasher.

To be honest I just want her to leave. My children are fed up as we are wasting £100 per week on someone that does nothing and we can't really afford it.

Any ideas? I have asked her to get up. I sent her a detailed timetable before she accepted the job but now she is here she does nothing.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Spadequeen · 26/08/2014 22:14

Don't worry about the ex, speak to the au pair. Why didn't you go and wake her up and give her a list of jobs to be done?

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 26/08/2014 22:14

What the hell has it got to do with him - tell him to mind his own business and stop letting him control you.

Put your Big Girl Pants on and knock on her door tomorrow morning at 7. Tell her yesterday became her day off and she either gets downstairs by 8 and ready to pull her weight or she has her bags ready and you'll take her to the station.

If you have two kids able to cook dinner - do you need an au pair?

MrsWinnibago · 26/08/2014 22:21

Don't wake her up. Get her up at 7.00am in the morning and be firm. Tell her "You need to do x and x and if you can't then you need to be out by 6.00pm."

Unexpected · 26/08/2014 22:32

What are all these days off about? Why did she need two days, plus a weekend off, after her arrival? Where was she coming from - another galaxy?! And why is tomorrow a scheduled day off? How many days are you expecting her to work for you? How did she end up in bed until 1 p.m. today? Why did you not knock on her door and tell her to get up? So many questions, so much confusion!

It's nothing to do with your ex-husband. Man up and either get rid of her or get her to do her job. I think your ex will have much bigger issues if you allow this woman to walk all over you, rather than dealing with it firmly now.

Gusthetheatrecat · 26/08/2014 22:49

I feel like there is more to this, though. OP, you sound stressed and unhappy. Do you have a good friend nearby who could meet with you, and speak to your au pair with you?
I think sometimes we can be a bit British about paying for help (I definitely do this) and get all embarrassed about being clear about what we want. There is obviously no objective reason to be embarrassed by a conversation which goes, "these are your hours, these are my expectations, let's have a chat at the end of the day and see how they've been met'.
But the references to your ex are perplexing from the outside - but obviously really bothering you.
Please get some support from real life people who care about you. I mean that in a v supportive way.

Original poster

Fried · 26/08/2014 23:00

Thanks everyone. I have had the most dreadful 2 years and I know that I am very fragile at the moment. I persuaded ex to agree to an AP and to help pay for her so he will be very unhappy about the money wasted. He will need to know as I don't want a situation where he finds out from the children.

I am going to tell her tomorrow that doing nothing on Monday and Tuesday means that she has now had 2 days off so will not be having 2 days off at the weekend.

I just don't understand how I could find myself in this position as I was so organised with her timetable etc.

Unfortunately, after all the hassle I have had if someone treats me like this I can no longer stomach them as a person let alone live with them.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/08/2014 23:00

I don't understand why you didn't knock on her door at 8.01 and get her downstairs to work. Surely you didn't leave at 8am to buy uniforms?

Why does she have tomorrow off?

How old are your children? If can both cook do they need an ap? Maybe you would be better off with a nanny if you can't give directions as an ap needs some input

Are you children at school today? Or why did you only want her to work 8/9 - did she understand this?

And those who are saying man up etc - have some sympathy. Sounds like op has just got rid of an ex and possibly a bit wobbly and if a bitter split up then the dad may not be supportive

Some people like me just come Out with stuff. Blunt I've been told lol - but others find it hard to confront people but either way op something has to be done so if tomorrow is her day off???? Then talk to her at dinner /when you see her and go over role ie write down hours and duties and what you expect from her. If she doesn't comply then tell her she needs to go by weekend

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/08/2014 23:02

Crossed posts by seconds. I was right about your relationship with ex he sounds a bully

If you really can't stomach her then she needs to go but again you can just turf her out without explanation or somewhere to go

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/08/2014 23:14

Your ex sounds horrible.

Write down what you want to say to her, if you think it might be difficult. Put down everything, even if you're not going to say it, stuff like "I am not paying you £100 a week to be on fucking holiday, love." Then sleep on it, edit it and say it to her in the morning when you wake her up. Tell her that if she doesn't pull her finger out, she will be out of a job and somewhere to stay by the weekend. That might focus her mind...

Karoleann · 26/08/2014 23:17

Fried - always pay in arrears!

I think you'll feel better in yourself if you just ask (tell) her to go.

find another au pair and start again

Original poster

Fried · 26/08/2014 23:19

I have had two years where I have had to pretend to be okay with a dreadful situation which has taken its toll. I am normally a strong person but this is just too much. I have replaced one problem with another. I really need to have peace in my home to be able to relax.

I have emailed her and will speak to her tomorrow so she is in no doubt about work required.

I took 10 days off to help her settle in and show her the ropes. I arranged 8 am as thought could go through things before going to the uniform shop. However, younger son kicked off as he hates having to go to the shop so I got distracted and just hoped she would have done some of the things I had asked her and shown her what to do the day before. She is just not interested in doing anything. My 16 year old daughter has had to tell her what to do and my 19 year old son did the cooking. They are both aware that I have the most hideous deadlines to meet regularly from now until Christmas.

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 26/08/2014 23:22

She sounds like shes taking the piss and probably because she feels she can get away with it. And shes right, so far she is getting away with it.

repeat to yourself "i am the boss"

Lj8893 · 26/08/2014 23:24

Although it shouldn't be unusual for your 16 and 19 year olds to be cooking!!! I had left home at 19!!

Unexpected · 26/08/2014 23:56

How many children are involved here? Presumably the aupair is not here to look after the 16 year old? What exactly are her duties? If the role is more cooking and cleaning than childcare she may be realising that she has made a mistake. It can be difficult for aupairs to operate with so many adults around, some of whom are only a few years younger than she is. Having said that, presumably you made all this clear to her before she arrived.

It sounds like this aupair is not going to work out so I would honestly get rid now before she costs you any considerable money. Also, no aupair needs 10 days of handholding to get settled in. I think if you had taken a day or two, plus the weekend that would have ben absolutely ample time. Couldn't your 16/19 year old help with some of the showing around? Can't believe you felt it necessary to take her to Notting Hill for the carnival - you are too nice!

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 00:06

Just two children involved aged 15 and 16. 19 year old is home from university so is around for a few weeks.

I made it clear that it was just 10 hours a week and that it involved teenagers. It is ideal for someone who wants to study as plenty of free time.

I need someone here as I can work some anti-social hours and am now a single parent. The teenagers are well behaved but they are outraged at her laziness more so than I am.

I can understand that she may feel she has made a mistake but I cannot understand her not just saying so instead she wants the money but does not want to do anything. One thing I have noticed in all of this is how close my children are to each other. Maybe that is part of the problem but she does not make an effort when they clearly are....

I have taken her all around our area, to Oxford Street and Notting Hill Carnival. Bought Netflix for her.... I just wanted everyone to be happy after the last two years that have been dreadful.

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 27/08/2014 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/08/2014 00:15

I would get rid and get a cleaner. I wouldn't have any problem leaving teenagers of 15 and 16 on their own, even quite late into the evening. Is there any particular reason why you don't want to leave them?

allisgood1 · 27/08/2014 00:23

You emailed her?! Presumably she is in your home, yes? Why did you not go knock on her door and talk to her?! For the love of god man up and deal with this sensibly. Sorry if that's harsh but seriously!!!

Floralnomad · 27/08/2014 00:29

Sounds like you have adopted yourself a 26 yr old ! At 15 &16 your DC should be perfectly ok on their own , the AP probably thinks you are a bit barmy ( sorry ) .

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 00:34

I think you are both right. I feel like a fool. I just wanted an older sister type for them. I am going to ask her to leave tomorrow. She can have two unpaid weeks to get ready to go if she needs it. I have just been downstairs and the lazy girl did not even put her plate in the dishwasher just left it in the sink. She was meant to cook and clear up tonight. Instead it has been left for me to do it all. My teenagers are good but not that good.

Even if she attempted to turn this around I don't think my teenagers would ever respect her after this. They are well aware of all the effort I went to to spell out the role in great details as they were involved right through the process.

OP posts:

grandmainmypocket · 27/08/2014 00:36

Sometimes when you have had to fight so much in life, the last thing you want to do is fight with an au pair too.

She's not going to get better OP. Your better rid of her now rather than down the line. Good luck.

Original poster

Fried · 27/08/2014 00:41

She was already asleep by 10 pm and she is not working tomorrow. I will talk to her when she appears for her evening meal tomorrow. Also, I wanted a written record of what she had not done so she cannot pretend she does not understand tomorrow. I sent her a timetable of what I expected her to do a while back before I offered her the job and she replied in the email that it was all fine...

OP posts:

Beahun · 27/08/2014 00:41

Hi Fried,I was an au-pair for 5 years and I know how these things are going.If as you said her English is excellent then I don't understand why she didn't started her work today.You have to talk to her.Give her a day and if she is not pulling her weight just pack her bag and kick her out!She is not a child,so she can take care of herself!Also,don't worry about your ex as you didn't make this a mess-she did!!Any questions let me know!

iK8 · 27/08/2014 00:44

Do you really need an au pair for a 15 and 16 year old?

Get a cleaner and a regular order from Cook so you can stock the freezer with food you'd choose to eat. Sorted.

If it's company you're after how about renting a room to a student? They pay you and you can vet them yourself. They also have almost no rights as a lodger unlike an au pair or employee. They also tend to go home in the holidays when your own student will be home.

FlorenceMattell · 27/08/2014 06:18

Hi Fried
You have had some good advice already on here. But I feel for you; the divorce has made you very fragile and I understand you not wanting any further conflict. Big hug sent, you will eventually get stronger.
I was a single parent many moons ago and had several au pairs. Some were very good some not so good. But generally it is exactly like having another child.
So you must tell her to go. Then advertise for local woman to come after teenagers home. Do some housework, cook tea and be a friend to them.
And re Ex, you haven't mucked up with au pair, she us lazy and you got rid.
And your children sound great btw

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