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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Child extremely upset at au pair leaving

33 replies

ThePoisonwoodBible · 19/08/2014 21:01

This year we hosted our first au pair. She was very good and became like part of our family. Our daughter became particularly close to her. The au pair left at the end of the academic year and our daughter was distraught. Three weeks have now passed and still our daughter cries herself to sleep most nights.

I am really concerned by my daughter's reaction. Has anyone else experienced similar? I now worry that our next au pair, who starts in September, will either be rejected or that my daughter will go through this attachment and loss each year which would be too cruel.

While it is great to have a good au pair who integrates into the family I am beginning to question whether it's a psychologically healthy form of childcare given most au pairs stay one academic year.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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FlorenceMattell · 19/08/2014 22:30

How sad, that must be very hard for you.
Are they able to stay in touch by Skype and sending cards. Maybe encourage your daughter to send a fun card and gift.
Hopefully she can learn that when people move on we don't always loose them.
But crying her self to sleep most nights - is worrying, are you sure that's there is nothing else bothering her?
Hope she feels happier soon.

Original poster

ThePoisonwoodBible · 19/08/2014 22:55

Thanks Florence.

My daughter has Skyped the au pair, and written, they WhatsApp daily as well. At first I thought the contact was great as it showed her that the au pair still cared about her and will always be our friend but now I think the contact might be prolonging the agony.

I don't think anything else is bothering my daughter, she has a tendency to fixate on some people and she fixated on the au pair all year. I think she had a sort of girl crush! I have never heard of other children reacting like this but in a way it's not surprising after losing someone who lived with us, ate with us, came on trips with us and cared for the kids everyday.

OP posts:

Selks · 19/08/2014 23:11

Was your daughter helped to prepare emotionally for the au pair leaving? Bit late now, but for the next one, if your daughter attaches again, help her understand that it is a temporary thing and maybe use some concrete means to demonstrate how much longer the au pair will be with the family e.g.

count down in weeks marked off on a calendar until au pair leave date,

- maybe do a scrapbook with your DD, while the au pair is with, you of times DD shares with the au pair, with the idea that doing the scrap book is so that she has something to remember the fun times with the au pair when she goes etc ...in other words, prepare your DD from the very beginning for the ending. Then maybe let DD plan a special thing to celebrate the au pair leaving e.g make a special cake and have a goodbye tea party etc.

nannynoss · 20/08/2014 07:51

It could just be she didn't really 'get' that the au pair was leaving. I left a post after 3 years and one child regressed massively with bed wetting and the elder child said to the au pair that took over from me 'you have to stay as our nanny for 14 years!' - obviously she only stayed for one year and then another au pair started, and both kids are just used to it now. They knew I left because they were too old for a nanny but I didn't move too far away from them so invited them over for tea now and again.
I live quite far from them now though, and so do their previous au pairs, and they just send the odd postcard when they're thinking about us, but they take it very much in their stride now.
Not much help for right now but hopefully means your daughter won't be this upset every time?

LIZS · 20/08/2014 08:00

How old is your dd ? Hopefully she will be less upset once a new ap starts . Can you involve her in the preparations and welcome ? She also needs to be weaned off the previous one as surely her life will move on and it might be doubly hard to feel abandoned again . Maybe start reducing contact once school starts and distracting her.

Floop · 20/08/2014 08:05

3 weeks is a long time for such an extreme reaction, but I suppose it's like grief.

Does she know where the au pair has gone? To university perhaps? Could you talk to her about all the wonderful opportunities the au pair has now, and how we should be happy for her?

Is she usually very sensitive?

Springcleanish · 20/08/2014 08:06

I think you're right, the contact is making it worse. My dd gets really homesick if she stays with gp, she's always much more tearful if she has daily contact than if we don't contact her at all. The contact just reminds her of feeling sad when we left and it becomes almost an instinctive response.

Original poster

ThePoisonwoodBible · 20/08/2014 08:26

Thanks for all the replies.

DD is 7. She is not overly sensitive but she does have a tendency to fixate on people sometimes. She had a nanny for years before the AP and was fine about the nanny leaving. I think it was different with the AP as she lived with us and was like a sister to DD, always playing with her, watching films with her etc even when off duty.

Next time i will talk more about the AP leaving although we did mention it many times before.

The AP invited DD to fly out and see her in Oct half term. DD is incredibly excited and now I don't know whether to knock that on the head. Its a hard balance though as i don't want to further upset her or hurt the AP who I do care about too. I have just told DD we cannot Skype the AP today and she cried :-(.

OP posts:

LIZS · 20/08/2014 09:11

I don't think planning a visit is a problem - it has a definite beginning and end and might give her some sort of closure to see ap in new environment. Do think continual contact might be though , especially once the new ap starts. There will be tears initially but maybe knowing she can Skype at the weekend for example would help manage that.

FlorenceMattell · 20/08/2014 10:48

I think you should let them meet at half term . Maybe your daughter and au pair just get on very well and have special friendship. Would be a shame to loose it.
You might find that relationship with future au pairs
Is not so intense.
Floop post is right re getting her to think of it from au pairs view.
It must be very hard for you to see her so upset but she will probably learn from it emotionally. Maybe when she is older and friendship change etc. so maybe that's a positive .

PeterParkerSays · 20/08/2014 11:01

Have you asked the AP for her views on this? As a young adult, does she want to keep in touch with a 7 year old? I would look to base decisions on ongoing contact on what the AP wants, as she has effectively left your lives now, rather than on what your DD wants.

Did the AP feel pressurised into offering her a visit because your DD went on and on about how she missed the AP, for example?

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/08/2014 12:53

It might be that they just connected in a special way. If you're a childcarer or family that uses childcare there are lots of comings and goings, relationships etc., but only occasionally will you really connect with someone. So you might find she's fine when future au pairs leave.

I think Peter is right and you need to ask the au pair. If she is happy to stay in contact, I'd keep it up. If she isn't keen then you need to start weaning DD away from her.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/08/2014 13:04

This reply has been deleted

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FlorenceMattell · 20/08/2014 13:21

More than potatoes your post is not very nice. Of course OP has bonded with her own child .

You clearly have a problem with mums using au pairs. Children who have au pairs actually gain life skills from learning about other cultures and languages.
The OP is very clearly the best kind of au pair employer as she treated the au pair as part of the family .

samlamb · 20/08/2014 13:32

Wow morethan, how rude are you?

I've never read such a bull shit post towards another mother on here. What an absolute joke that because her daughter has become attached to another female the OP is at fault and should feel guilty.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/08/2014 13:39

Sorry, but sometimes the truth isn't very nice.
A parent should be able to manage their own child so they aren't crying about an au pair leaving.
of course I haven't anything against au pairs, wouldn't use one myself but each to their own.
As far as treating the au pair as a member of the family, all well and good, but isn't that what your parents are family
Of course though you say it how it is and you are talking bull shit, or being rude, some people are so touchy and don't like the truth, methinks.

FlorenceMattell · 20/08/2014 13:53

Think there is a troll on here - reported

OutragedFromLeeds · 20/08/2014 14:04

Morethan what you've said isn't true. The au pair was there for one academic year. The child is 7. Basic maths will tell you that the au pair has not raised the child. Basic psychology (and conmon sense) will tell you that a child can be attached to more than one person at a time. What you've said is both incorrect and nasty.

ACM88 · 20/08/2014 14:10

Completely skirting over morethanpotatoes ridiculous post (that isn't in anyway true OP) it's wonderful that your DD had such an amazing attachment to au pair, you obviously made a good choice for your family.

One thing I would say, and it mirrors some of the other posters thoughts, in order to help DD why not perhaps limit contact to once a week, and rather than just Skype, perhaps encourage writing letters, and sending pictures. As she is 7yrs old, it will be lovely to have a pen pal, and the friendship can still be special and sacred to her, but not too overwhelming, that impacts daily.
You may have to double check this is ok with au pair first.

Try use this as a good opportunity to talk about wherever it is that au pair lives, if you are happy to visit in October, that would be lovely. I suppose in a way you would if you were grieving, you try to find the good, and turn it around.
Hope that makes sense!

morethanpotatoprints · 20/08/2014 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ACM88 · 20/08/2014 14:27

morethanpotatoes

I don't know anything about you or your life, but do you not encourage your children to have bonds with other adults? Having looked after other peoples children for nearly ten years now, it's so so important that children feel attachments to adults other than their mom or dad. Let's face it, lots of people not just have to work, but want to, and if that parent is able to find someone who their child loves, they are not doing their child a disservice at all, quite the opposite in fact.

Did you never have an attachment to school teacher? Or neighbour? It's incredibly selfish and detrimental to prevent your child from bonding with other adults.

What you said, whether you consider it to be truthful, was just nasty, and cruel. Actually I believe it to be completely incorrect. It was unnecessary, and when you can see the OP is clearly upset, it seems to me all you wanted to do was deliberately torment someone further. You can't dress up nastiness as "the truth" when it's not.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/08/2014 14:33

ACM88

We will have to agree to disagree then.
Yes I do think it healthy for dc to bond with other adults, but not to the extent they continually cry themselves to sleep at night.
I think some people prefer to see the truth, facts as nasty or cruel because they don't like to hear the truth tbh.
Anyway, have added my comments now after reading the OP.

ACM88 · 20/08/2014 14:41

I think to accuse someone of not raising their own child, suggesting they don't even know who their mother is is very nasty, I'm not sure why you even think that's ok to say...the fact the OPs DD is sad, isn't because she is a bad mother at all, I've never heard so much shit!

Yes we disagree massively.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/08/2014 15:17

Never let it be said that attachment parenting advocates are judgemental about other parenting styles.

ACM88 · 20/08/2014 15:23

I think that's unfair

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