Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

New (ish) au pair has written off the car....

64 replies

OvertiredandConfused · 08/04/2014 22:29

Our au pair has been with us for a month. We haven't gelled with her especially well and there have been a few niggles. However, our last au pair was our best by far, became part of the family, and we felt things were coloured by that and wanted to give things time to settle. I should say that never, at any point, have we had any concerns about her driving. I would never compromise on that. And our DC (10 and 12) haven't said anything either.

Driving is an essential part of the role. Not long distances, usually 10-15 minutes max. With it being half term, she offered to drive my eldest to a theme park place about 30 minutes away on local roads.

On the way back, so no children in the car fortunately, she was in an accident. Three cars involved, police, fire and ambulance called. One car had to have the roof cut off. Fortunately, no-one seriously injured and no hospital admissions.

It looks almost certainly as if it was our au pairs fault. She has said as much and traffic officer at the scene implied it in conversation with my dad (who was closest and so able to go to the scene). In fact, careless driving is a serious possibility. DC have since told me that her driving today was really bad and they nearly had an accident en route to the drop off. Whilst there may be some exaggeration after the event, there is clearly truth in what she says.

I am really struggling to unpick it all and decide what to do. I'm obviously making sure au pair is okay (she is physically) and telling her to rest, making her meals etc. However, I am furious. There is no way she can continue with us now - I can't let her drive my children or their friends again. Our car is a right off and we can't afford another one. I have no idea how we will manage with only one car. And I have no childcare. Really I want to send her home as I can't see any way of salvaging this - not least because safety is utterly non-negotiable.

WWYD?

And for those who want to flame me for using an au pair, can I clarify that I pay above average, give them plenty of time off, use of a car (ironically), have DC who are fairly self-sufficient at home and I always go for someone 22 or over, so not a homesick teenager.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
LIZS · 09/04/2014 13:29

You need to establish if the police plan to take action . She may not be able to leave while this is pending. Maybe she is in shock and isn't thinking clearly enough to apologise? If it was a genuine mistake then should you discipline her for it , would you stop driving your dc around if it had been you ?

blueshoes · 09/04/2014 13:40

slowcomputer, in my 9 years of hiring aupairs, I have never had a host family call me to get a reference from me. I don't know what that means but clearly there are a lot of aupair employers out there who are not particularly thorough in their due diligence.

However, I always ask to speak to the referee and if the aupair is unable to furnish one, I consider that a red flag and quickly move on to the next prospect. I also only ever hire experienced aupairs so expect them to provide a reference from their host family. If a family called me to ask about a previous aupair, I will be prepared to be quite frank over the phone.

Different families have different requirements for their aupairs. For example, I do not require a driving aupair and this aupair not being trusted to drive is not a deal breaker for me.

NurseyWursey · 09/04/2014 13:41

She would be out of my house quicker than a quick thing. She hasn't even apologised?!!

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 09/04/2014 13:49

Wait until you have an settlement offer, one car I wrote off I was given more then what I paid for it, as it was in good condition and low mileage.

I however wasn't allowed a curious car as the accident was my fault.

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 14:09

Update

I have spoken to the investigating officer and he is coming round on Friday evening to take a statement - didn't seem to be in a rush to come before then. Said whether I am with her while she does that is up to her, which is fine with me. He will then speak to me immediately afterwards and give me his full assessment.

I explained we were cautious about allowing her to drive again and he said, if it was his kids, he would be too but that he couldn't say anymore. That said volumes to me. I also explained that if she leaves us she is likely to fly home and I want to know if they have an issue with that.

In terms of working this week, she doesn't want to. I have had to make other arrangements for childcare - deal was she would cover 4 days of the two week school holiday and then do no childcare the other 7 days.

She isn't physically hurt - I have checked again. I understand she'll be shaken-up, but she simply won't engage with us at all. She forwarded the email about the other drivers that the police sent with no message from her and won't respond to emails. It's this that makes me want to reduce her pocket money.

In terms of getting home, she has a flexible return ticket that she can activate.

FWIW, years ago when I had a part-time nanny, she was in an accident as well. It clearly wasn't her fault, which helps, but kids were in the car. Her reaction was much more appropriate (for want of a better word). She had a day off - also shaken but otherwise uninjured - and then came back to work. Despite not being at fault, she was full of apologies and I had to keep reassuring her. Trusted her totally.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 09/04/2014 14:23

The fact that your aupair will not engage seems to suggest that it was her fault. She has shut down and refuses to engage. Is it possible for the officer to take her statement sooner rather than later? I am thinking the sooner you can get rid of her (she can just fly home) the better because she is not functional.

The fact that she not only cannot (due to bad driving) and will not (for her own reasons) perform her duties this week is reason enough to dock her pay. But whether you want to depends on how much you need her to be around for the police.

What did the police say about whether they have an issue if she flies home? Seeing that she has clammed up, I am not sure how useful taking her statement is.

How old is she? She sounds immature. Your previous pt nanny's reaction is much more the reaction I would expect from someone who takes responsibilities for her mistakes and who sincerely still wants the job.

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 14:51

Thanks blueshoes. She is nearly 23 and English is her first language. Other nanny was only about 25-26 so not that much older.

I want her to give her statement and for me to be able to speak to the police officer dealing before I decide exactly when and how to send her home. I suspect that's a conversation for this weekend. Also, I want to see how she is and what she's done when I get home tonight.

I've stopped the automatic payment of her pocket money due on Friday but still have the option to do some, or all, manually when I see how the next day or so pans out. She is not penniless - I know she has access to more than £200 cash as well as a ticket home.

Fortunately, DH is off on Friday and I'm off next week. My DP and friends have covered today and will do the same tomorrow.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 09/04/2014 19:22

Value your car yourself using glasses guide, you'll have to pay a fiver or so. The insurer is supposed to offer you the price a dealer would sell the car for but in most cases the insurer will try to offer you the part exchange price.

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 20:58

Good tip verystressed thanks.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 09/04/2014 21:11

How badly damaged is your car ,just because an insurance company says it is a write off doesn't necessarily mean you have to write it off. They will still pay out and you can have the car repaired if its viable . I think I'd be getting rid of her just because of her attitude after the accident .

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 22:12

The roof was cut off so def not repairable and a write off

littleducks · 09/04/2014 22:23

"In terms of the insurance, I was once able to increase the amount an insurance company offered me for a written off car by sending them copies of adverts for the same model in the same area with comparable mileage that were priced higher. I know you'll still end up out of pocket but you may be able to minimise the gap."

We did this too, apparently you never, ever accept the first offer.

No advice on the au pair problem though..........she isn't in shock is she?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 09/04/2014 22:39

The police officer's comments plus the email forwarding with no comment and the refusal to engage/apologise is outrageous. I wouldn't hesitate to terminate. Your only obligation here is to your kids and there isn't a compelling reason to let her have another go behind the wheel. Too harsh? TOUGH!

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 23:01

Misread - not op's roof that got cut off

Does make you wonder how fast she was going if didn't stop at little crossroads and another car was so badly damaged that roof had to be cut off ......,

CanadianFilly · 09/04/2014 23:15

I agree slowcomputer. Why would the host family be responsible for her flight home? I thought Au Pairs arrived with a return ticket booked, essential for work visa purposes. All that needs to be paid is the penalty for changing the flight ticket to a much earlier date. And I'm not sure if that's the responsibility of host family or Au Pair.

VeryStressedMum · 09/04/2014 23:21

Yes don't accept their first offer it will always be lower than you should get. Adverts aren't as persuasive as a correct valuation through glasses guide as that is the guide the motor industries use themselves. It will give a price the dealer should actually sell the car for and that's what you should get, not a part cexchange price or what you can expect through a private sale. Adverts are a starting point for negotiation not the actual price the car will be sold for, like the price on a car on the forecourt, the car is worth 5000 so the dealer advertises it for 5500. But send in adverts too and make sure the model and mileage and area is as exact as possible or they'll discount it, and only adverts from dealers not private sale.
Good luck.

ItsNotATest · 09/04/2014 23:24

before I decide exactly when and how to send her home

Is this actually your decision to make? You can sack her but I doubt it is within your power to deport her.

VeryStressedMum · 09/04/2014 23:26

The insurers will move if you're persistent, we got 1,800 more than they first offered by negotiating with them. We also got an extra 300 for the cost of the hire car we had to hire because their first offer wasn't a fair one and they dragged it out for ages.

kally195 · 09/04/2014 23:45

overtired not wanting to add to your worries, but what visa is your au pair on? I ask as, if the police do take action against her, the Home Office will become involved (and as part of that her employment with you will be looked at) and you need to be sure she is working for you legally. Australians can't get visas/entry specifically as au pairs anymore (no non-EU nationals can) - is she on a Youth Mobility visa instead?

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 09/04/2014 23:47

ItsNotATest fair enough - it is up to her what she does when she leaves us.

Given she is NOT employed and therefore NOT subject to notice, I don't want to be mean but nor am I happy to have her in our home for very long. Interestingly, the DC are very uncomfortable around her now and it's clear (to me and DH) she has to go. I think she'll be stunned.

OP posts:
ItsNotATest · 10/04/2014 02:25

I get that you are angry, tbh I would be too. But attempting to dictate her departure from the country looks vindictive.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/04/2014 06:24

Aps don't get notice? Surely you have some sort of contract stating
Hours and wages and duties? And a notice period?

QOD · 10/04/2014 06:33

She sounds pretty entitled

NotJustACigar · 10/04/2014 06:34

I suppose I'm not as nice a person as you are but if I were you I would take her house keys off her and say, right, clearly you are no longer working for us so you can't stay here anymore. I will call you a taxi. Do you want me to make a booking for you into a youth hostel of some sort or will you sort that out for yourself?

Original poster
OvertiredandConfused · 10/04/2014 11:07

DH and I have decided that we'll tell her at the weekend she has to go. We'll give her a week to fine somewhere else to go in the UK or to arrange her flight home. I will pay her pocket money this week (due tomorrow) but that's it. I am not expecting her to do any work.

Depending what the police say abut her leaving the country, I will tell them that I am asking her to leave. To clarify ItsNotATest I am not trying to tell her she must leave the country - I don't actually care - I just assume that's what she'll decide to do given she has chosen to make no attempt to develop any life outside of our house.

Quite apart from how we feel about her, there is genuinely no way we can afford to insure her to drive again. DH has checked with insurance company. We loose 7 or 10 years no claims anyway. With her still on the policy it becomes unaffordable. A new person would be treated on their own merits. Still expensive but noticeably less per month.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread