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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

My relationship with my au pair is breaking down

53 replies

mosaica · 26/02/2014 23:42

My au pair is great - very experienced in child care, very loving towards my children and she's made our lives a lot easier since she arrived. Last month she told me that when her year with us was up, she'd like to move out bit still work for is as a nanny (she's qualified in her country to work as one). In the nicest possible way, I explained that for me it would mean a lot of money and I would not really gain anything from it. I acknowledged it was normal for her to want her own space, but we wouldn't want to go down that route.

Since then, I get the impression she has stopped to like us. She's still lovely with the kids, but she chats very little with us. She also posts Whatsapp statuses which hint at things bring rubbish at work and her needing a change. Today I saw one of her Fb posts and it was awful, basically saying we were being mean as we would only give her 8 days holiday for Easter, etc. She also said she loved our children and thats why it was difficult to take the decision to leave.

We pay her generously and always try and let her finish early, etc. I am not sure what to do : I know she is good with the kids, but knowing she thinks so little of us is difficult. I am not sure an open conversation will help as she it can only make things more awkward. Any advice?

OP posts:

PicardyThird · 02/03/2014 08:14

Sorry, OP, but I think the issue of what APs are/aren't supposed to do is part of the breakdown of your relationship, and that's why I think it is relevant to this thread.

It does sound like she hoped for her superior qualifications and capabilities to be recognised in some way after an initial period of proving herself - which is absolutely fair enough and what we all do at work, surely? Making FB posts about you is definitely not on and I would be very cross about that. But I guess she feels unappreciated and, to a degree, exploited (nanny quals, AP pay). Texting you while you were abroad wasn't the best timing, but I would treat it as any other 'work' email (iykwim) and deal with it when you get back - it's your choice to play at her game and engage, or not. I don't get the sense from your post that you really have anything to worry about wrt the children.

Original poster

mosaica · 02/03/2014 08:18

Panic over. She's got in touch and it seems there was a problem with my phone.

OP posts:

PicardyThird · 02/03/2014 08:20

Phew - now enjoy the rest of your break and deal with the text when you're back. :)

sarahandmallard · 02/03/2014 09:04

Ive known people who paired in their younger days and comparing their experiences with mumsnet's version of what au pairs shouldn't/should do is always like walking into an alternative universe.

OP, i think your gut reaction to the phone off is very revealing. It shows the trust has already left and as much as your logical side is arguing the facts, in your heart you're not going to be able to trust her with your kids anymore.

I'm sure going ahead with your first break holiday in years despite the recent turn of events wasn't a lighthearted decision and the fact your inlaws live around the corner was a significant factor in going ahead despite the recent events. It's really insensitive of others to jump on this and berate you about it - you're probably already feeling guilty and now she's pretty much ruined your break anyway with her texts.

I'd tell her she shouldn't return after easter. Further, if she doesn't act professionally in the remaining time, you will bring her return ticket forward. Don't allow her to create an uncomfortable situation in your childrens' home.

Original poster

mosaica · 02/03/2014 09:39

Thank you, sarahandmallard, xxx you've made me feel so much better.

OP posts:

VeryStressedMum · 02/03/2014 09:55

You really need to let this lady go and find someone else. She may be good with the kids, but your reaction when you couldn't get through speaks volumes.
And I'm sure this break was planned a while ago and you didn't jump on the first plane after all this stuff happened.
You're her employer she cannot post negative remarks about you on a public forum. How on earth can she expect you, or any other employer, to carry on in a working relationship after she has done that. And her position of looking after your children requires a lot of trust, once that starts to deteriorate there, most of the time, can be no going back.
Don't let her ruin your break, text her back, no problem we'll discuss it when I get back.
Don't start texting when you're out of the country, you don't want to be in a situation where you're so far away and she starts reacting badly to what you say.
Also, you don't want to negotiate employment terms viatext.

2plus1 · 02/03/2014 09:55

We had a trust issue with one of our nannies and from then on the relationship became toxic. Our nanny wouldnt do things we asked of her becoming obstructive and demanding annual leave at 0630 in the morning prior to her starting at 0730. We gave her extra notice so she could get another job but she got so confrontational that we reduced the notice to contractual amount. I can see your relationship with your au pair going the same way sadly. Remember that she applied for an au pair job and not a nanny position. If she has another post them tell her you are pleased for her and that you will let her go, dont allow her to bargain with you (we had that old chestnut followed by a form from the job centre so obviously no job to go to).I would look for another auapair to start at easter and send her home. Better still bridge the time yourselves if you can and send her home when you get back. Sorry it has made your weekend away stressful, we haven't had a weekend away in 5.5yrs either!

2plus1 · 02/03/2014 09:57

nkf · 02/03/2014 10:04

Time to let it go. These relationships often have a natural time span. I think very few people find lovely girls who stay in touch with the children and are friends for life. For most of us, we have au pairs when we need them and all is forgotten once they go.

slowcomputer · 02/03/2014 10:13

are you realy going to offer her a good reference? isn't that a pretty rubbish thing to do to her next employer?

Original poster

mosaica · 02/03/2014 11:09

Thank you, thank you - you're all being very helpful. I know in my heart that you're right. I've got some thinking to do when I get home. Shame it hasn't worked out, though, I really thought she was great.

OP posts:

Paintyfingers · 02/03/2014 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedFromLeeds · 02/03/2014 15:45

So she's a qualified, experienced nanny doing the job of a nanny (sole care and proxy parenting) but she's being unreasonable to want to employed/paid as a nanny?

I don't think you can complain about an au pair being unprofessional really, they're not professionals. She's in a foreign country by herself, she's entitled to have a moan about her job/living conditions. It's not comparable with being a lawyer!

blueshoes · 02/03/2014 16:00

OP, I think you have had some good advice.

On a separate note, I can understand why you hired her with her qualifications. Just beware of hiring anyone overqualified to do an aupair role. They generally don't last because they will leave once they find something better. It is much easier for them to do interviews etc, search for roles, get referrals and tips from friends once they are in the UK and that is why they agree to become your aupair. It is wrong of them to do so, knowing they won't stay but that's these girls for you

Someone like your aupair fresh off the boat will probably be able to command mid-aupair/nanny rates, say about £300+ per week. Nannying is a hard job compared to aupairing, as it tends to be much longer days, 10-11 hours v. 5 hours and that is reflected in the pay.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/03/2014 16:01

Find a new ap and let her go. She obv wants a better paid job and more responsibility and be a live out nanny

How old are your children and why didn't you call landline? As other have said an ap shouldn't really be left for long periods of time alone - esp leaving them alone with your children while you go abroad / that's a nannys role.

Either way the trust has gone so find a new one and let her go home at Easter and take a new job

northlondoncat · 02/03/2014 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bordellosboheme · 02/03/2014 18:43

Slagging you off on social media is itself a stackable offence and very unwise of her. If she loves the kids she should also treat their patents and employers kindly.

I would sit her down, say the social media posts have come to your attention and on that basis she seems unhappy and you are going to have to let her go. Then give her notice. It's not a sustainable situation.

whereohwhere · 02/03/2014 19:41

While au pairs might not be considered 'professional' in the way that doctors or lawyers are, but the social media thing is TOTALLY unacceptable.

The OP had welcomed her into her home and had attempted to treat her well. Any nanny/AP/employer role is one that should be built on mutual trust, respect and appreciation. It sounds like the OP did really appreciate her. However, she very understandably didn't want to be forced to hire her on different terms and the AP was disappointed.

I'm sure most of us have been miffed with regards to certain work situations. But I'm sure most of us have had the good sense to call or meet a friend for a private bitching session, rather than vent on a public website!

What followed with the holiday stuff was also, of course, awful. I don't think the OP needs to be berated for arranging this in the first place. She had trusted the Au Pair and had apparently agreed to pay her well for this. I am sure the whole thing has been stressful enough for the OP without making her feel worse about it all!

OvertiredandConfused · 03/03/2014 09:55

Hope you've had a good break OP

I totally get how traumatic this can be. I am an au pair veteran and had a thread early last year about being "devastated" when our au pair told us she would be leaving early. I got a mild flaming for being dramatic!

It worked out for us, of course, as it will for you. I really would tell her that you think you should both cut your losses at Easter and then get recruiting. With luck, you'll clear the air and be able to relax for the next six weeks.

Work out your Plan B for if you are without an au pair for a while and then get hunting. Do you use agencies or aupair world?

Good luck

Mimishimi · 05/03/2014 05:23

Well, to be fair, she has let you know well in advance. Many don't. She would like a better paid role that she's qualified for and it's within her rights to look for one. Since she has got along with your children, perhaps she thought it was okay to ask you first if you'd be interested. If you've been expecting more of her than an au pair role (eg 30+ hour weeks, leaving her alone with the children for long periods) I can see why she probably is getting disgruntled with you. Best to let her know that you can't offer her the role she seeks, give her a good reference if she has done the job well and start looking for a new aupair.

FabBakerGirl · 07/03/2014 19:24

Give her immediate notice and rope in your PIL to help.

BuggersMuddle · 07/03/2014 21:00

Wow really, you left and AP in sole charge of your kids for a weekend and you think she's the problem....

Lone4anger · 08/03/2014 01:22

Au pairs are not allowed to have continuous sole charge of children under 2 years old - that is the only stipulation. Au pairs are allowed to have sole charge of children above this age. As mosaica has mentioned the grandparents live close and can check in/offer support - as was also mentioned this thread looks as if it was going to turn into something it wasn't started as. I rely on au pairs to help me with the care of my children - my work has meant that I have had to spend time away from home and left my children with the au pair in sole charge during that time. For those of us who need au pairs and have checked out the duties/agreed in advance the duties etc etc the question is not what they are allowed to do but if we feel safe leaving our children with them. In this case I would start looking for a new au pair. Good luck. I hope the situation did not ruin your break - it sounds as though you deserved to get away. We all need 'me' or couple time.

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/03/2014 05:06

Au pairs are 'allowed' to have continuous sole charge of children of any age, but long term sole charge care is not what they are paid to do, it is not an au pairs job.

If you want someone to proxy parent your child, you pay them appropriately.

Paintyfingers · 22/03/2014 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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