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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au-pair's bedroom - sacrosanct space, or spare room?

57 replies

TooBusyByHalf · 18/02/2014 22:07

We currently have a kind of au-pair but she's the niece of a good friend so we treat her very much as part of the family. This includes her (very occasionally) giving up her room to an older relative coming to stay for a night - when she would sleep on a sofa-bed instead, and (slightly more often) allowing us to use 'her' room for guests when she is away anyway (e.g. for a weekend visiting friends). She has no problem with either of these arrangements.

She is leaving in May and we are planning on getting someone new. But it is unlikely to be a family friend, so we are worried about what to do in these situations. The bed in the au pairs room is the only one suitable for a couple, or for older visitors, so though we are happy to put visiting young adults on the sofa bed there will be some who can't do that.

My worry is that the room an au pair gets is their only private space and should not be used by others at all; my DP says they are young, flexible and won't mind, and where she's from (New Zealand) it's quite normal for kids / teenagers / young adults to be moved around for guests and no-one thinks anything of it. She thinks I'm quite barmy even for worrying about it.

The other option I suppose would be to give up our own room instead (and sleep on the floor somewhere).

If we make it clear when we recruit that they may (rarely, e.g 3 times a year) be asked to give up their bed for a night or two, would that be acceptable do you think? and is it normal to use their room for guests when they are away for a weekend?

Do you agree with me or DP?

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OddFodd · 19/02/2014 06:25

Gosh I'm really surprised at this thread! I thought an au pair was supposed to be part of the family and in my family that means occasionally getting turfed out of bed for an older relative.
Having said that, I regularly let friends use our house when we're away so maybe I'm just a bit weirdly laid back about beds

Botero · 19/02/2014 07:04

I'm a live in nanny and really wouldn't be happy with having to be out of my room. Luckily my bosses have never asked me.

You have to understand that it's not just a 'a place to sleep' for the AP but their only private space and their only non working place.

OddFodd - If people occasionally get turfed out of the beds for relatives to stay then in this case it should be the parents.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 19/02/2014 07:10

Odd but the people sleeping in there aren't the family of the au pair. If the au pair had her mum to stay, or her friends, whilst OP was away, could they just use OP's room?

pictish · 19/02/2014 07:17

O don't have any experience of having an au pair, but even so, my instinct says no. You can't expect to regard the au pair's room as the spare room as well. It's either his or her room, or it's not...and if it's not, then you have no space for an au pair.
He or she will have personal belongings in there, even when they are not there.
That space is sacrosanct.

Toptack · 19/02/2014 07:28

No no no no no. This happened to a friend of mine, who went away for a weekend and came back early to find surprise visitors sleeping in her bed. Friend was so irate she left the next day, leaving her employers completely in the lurch for childcare. As far as she was concerned that room was both part her remuneration and absolute private space.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 19/02/2014 07:38

No - I wouldn't like it. Why can't you give up your room?

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/02/2014 07:42

B is also a no

If you need a spare double guests can use your bed

If you need a spare single guests can use your kids bed

It is her private space and tbh shouldn't even be asked that occasionally can someone else use her bed etc

NannyK7H · 19/02/2014 08:00

I am a live-in nanny and get asked to do this occasionally. Normally if I'm going away for the night when someone happens to be staying. If I'm not going to be away then MB offers to put me up in a hotel. (Guests usually are a family so a lot easier to put me up than all the guests!)
I don't really mind for the odd night, and I know the people who generally stay as they are relatives of my charges.
My MB asks me each time though and allows me to say no at any point. (She didn't ask at interview then assume it was okay every time).
But then I am a very open person and rubbish at keeping secrets about personal life, and MB is the same. So I wouldn't be embarrassed about people being around my personal belongings.

rm00054 · 19/02/2014 08:07

I've been a live-in nanny and was happy for (and in fact encouraged) the family to use my room for guests when I was away. How selfish for there to be an empty bed and force someone to sleep on the floor/sofa! I'm actually amazed at people's unkindness!
The only thing I wanted I this scenario was to be told before it happened - so I knew what to expect if I came back early, and so I could tidy up!

Agree with the first part though, while au pair/nanny is working there they'll need some private space.

ConfusedPixie · 19/02/2014 08:14

Don't do it. I was a live in and this would have really upset me, the idea of people sleeping in my room with all of my things there. It shows a complete disregard for the APs only personal space in the house.

You and your kids have beds surely? So you should give up yours first as it would happen if you didn't have a spare room.

PepeLePew · 19/02/2014 08:17

My au pair has offered if she is going to be away and she knows I have guests. I would never ask her - so often have her room empty with guests in the tiny spare room or in my room. She's very laid back and thoughtful generally - I just asked her about it and she said she would do it at home and so does it here. But I operate on the assumption that it's her space and I don't go in there and nor does anyone else.

You may get lucky but I really don't think you can assume it will be ok.

NannyK7H · 19/02/2014 08:21

rm I agree with you. I'd hate to see relatives not come for an event like Christmas or a birthday because there was nowhere for them to stay. But I wouldn't like it if i was staying in the house at the same time.
The only thing I do ask though is that the bed is changed for me by the time I get back. I'll change it for the guest arriving but I want to be able to come back to my room and it be ready for me as it would be if no one had stayed. (Not sure if that makes me sound like a diva!!)

NannyK7H · 19/02/2014 08:25

I should add though, I used to work for a family who would let MY relatives sleep in their spare rooms. (I had a separate annex downstairs but MB would let my relatives/friends sleep upstairs. One of the spare rooms had the best shower in which MB used every morning but would use a different one so that my guests could have the en suite to themselves).
I would have been happy to give blow up beds on the floor of my annex but MB offered. So I think it's give and take.

Bagofnutsnbolts · 19/02/2014 08:27

thedoctrine if the aupairs family came to stay they would probably stay in a B and B, as most people wouldn't have space to put them up. Also the au pair would probably want to stay with their family and not with the host family.

But no you cannot turf the au pair out of their room, as other posts have said, its their only private space when they have time off they need to get away from the children and other family members. Their room is their private zone! And that has to be respected. However OP if this is unworkable for you, make it very very clear in your initial advert that the room will be required at times. Maybe you could put the aupair up in a BB for duration of your friends stay. Also sounds like you have already recruited a kiwi, but if not consider advertising for a male au pair that way you broaden your already limited choice of au pairs.
Hope this helps.

LizLemonaid · 19/02/2014 08:32

Sorry to chime in and pile on but i was an au pair at 21 and i would advise u not to ask. Perhaps she will offer, but it's her cave in another person's family. Part of the family is all very well but tbh i dont want my m&d going in to my bedroom when they're over!

MisForMumNotMaid · 19/02/2014 08:38

When we were younger we got turfed out of our beds for relatives. Our beds could be pushed together to make a guest double and we slept on foam rolls on the floor in our parents room, as we got older in a tent in the loft.

It feels wrong to me that its the aupairs room that you think of first and not your younger DC's. The Aupair being part of the family is a critical part of how it all works. To me choosing her to sacrifice her space sends a message to the children that she's more a servant and a lesser person it doesn't promote respect from any of the family which inturn would make her job even harder.

kelda · 19/02/2014 08:45

If you put it in the job description, you are basically saying that you are unable to provide the au pair with adequate sleeping arrangements at all times. Expecting an au pair to sleep on the sofa is not an adequate sleeping arrangement.

I would be surprised if this were legal.

CarolineKnappShappey · 19/02/2014 08:51

As someone said up thread. If you need the room, you have no space for an au pair.

Misfitless · 19/02/2014 08:53

No, I wouldn't ask an au pair to give up their room, ever. I'd either offer my room to guests, or shuffle DCs about, if that could be a solution.

NomDeClavier · 19/02/2014 10:35

I wouldn't ask but in the past both out nanny and au pair have offered. I didn't let them because I view it as their room, as much as I view ours as ours and DS's as his (and DD's as hers when she moves out of ours). So she may offer but you should never ask.

WLondonNanny · 19/02/2014 13:08

This happened to me a few times, and the family paid for a lovely hotel. It's still a hassle/annoying to have to be sent out of the house for the weekend and live out of a suitcase. I also felt a bit weird someone I didn't know staying in my room with all my personal belongings around! But felt bad saying I didn't feel comfortable.

So I'd say no!

Heartychoke · 19/02/2014 19:45

Our au pair told us we should use her room for guests when she is away. We said we wouldn't and she said that's ridiculous, so we did. Now we are away and she has her mum staying in our kids' room. I think that kind of give and take is normal with au pairs who are meant to be like another family member. Having said that I didn't have the courage to ask before she offered and was therefore v lucky that she thought of it.

wadi1983 · 19/02/2014 22:45

Its her room with her personal belongings in, if she is there or not..

U can not just give her room to others...

U need to give up ur room

my2bundles · 20/02/2014 13:17

No, room and board makes up a substancial amount of the aupairs wages. Would you ask her to take a pay cut while you have guests in the house?

grabaspoon · 20/02/2014 14:15

In a previous position [live in nanny] I have had to vacate my room for visitors, had items stored in my room and been asked to stay else where due to the family having no spare room. I was given no choice in this or compensation for finding else where to stay, it feels strange to allow your employer to sleep in your room with your private belongings; its even worse when you dont know the other people.

If you want a live in employee then their room needs to be private space,

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