Almost feeling suffocated by nanny in home

[Sheissmallandveryspidery]

I have a brilliant day nanny. She is great with the kids- a little bit strong in doing things her way at times but overall she is fab.

The issue is me. I cannot bear having her(or anyone - it's not personal) in my home. I feel panicky that there isn't anywhere left that is my space. I really need space and solitude and early have people over (but go out lots instead) as I dislike having people in my house.

I just feel suffocated that I don't have anywhere private anymore . House is too small to shut off certain rooms.

Even worse is when she has people around that i don't know. I feel dreadful about this, I feel judged but people I don't even know. I just hate it.

I know I need to lighten up and unclench and all that but this is my home and I feel uncomfortable. I think the only cure is to find different Childcare but that would compromise kids (though significantly help my creaking finances).

Anyone else felt like this?

It wouldn't be unreasonable to specify that you don't want her friends coming over unless their charges are of similar age to your DC, and/or to limit the number of weekly "playdates" at your house. some nannies would dislike this, but it's just one thing so need not be a huge issue if otherwise you get on well.

You could also make your bedroom "off limits", even if place is small this should be do-able? And hange washing there!

But if nanny is overall the best childcare option, not much more you can do, other than manage your feelings about it.

Also sounds like you could benefit from working on the level of your anxiety over this and the phobia.

Hy on earth is your nanny having guests at your home?!? She's meant to be at work! Not entertaining!! My nanny always asks in advance if she is meeting someone (very rare bed only of someone has forgotten keys etc) and it is never at home. You wouldn't entertain guests while you work in your office would you?! It's the same thing.

I understand how hard it is. I love having visitors but quite quickly want them to leave!

But as a nanny, I respect the parents privacy. I know it is their home and that I am essentially a stranger wandering around it.

I am a professional nanny, I don't go snooping through cupboards and drawers. I don't go in to the parents room/rooms unless completely necessary (I was brought up that I never went in my parents room or the sitting room without their express permission. Although I doubt my boss would be impressed with me texting her every time I needed to go into her room!) I always ask at interview that they leave me a note if there is something they don't want me to use/eat in the fridge/freezer/cupboards and I would definitely not use any of her personal products! That is very weird.

Regards to having nanny friends over, even if the children are older, your child will learn a lot from them, especially learning to share their toys if they are an only child. It needs to be reciprocal though, if her friend is eating lunch/snacks at your house, then it is only fair that they go there an equal amount. Maybe limit it to one day a fortnight.

I wouldn't take on a position where I wasn't allowed friends round, meeting them out all the time is difficult, you can't go to theirs as you can't return the offer, with our weather, meeting at the park is not always easy and then you have the added expense of soft play or a cafe or whatever.

Being a nanny is a very lonely job. Being restricted on who you can see is horrible. I have gone days not speaking to an adult sometimes, even though I make sure my charges go to classes once a day to socialise but then sometimes I feel that I am in the wrong job as I am very quiet and introverted and find it difficult to speak to strangers and make friends, thankfully there are nannies out there who are extremely extrovert and drag the quieter ones kicking and screaming gratefully into their social circle! (Yes Blondes, I am talking about you!)

If you can't change your childcare then I feel that you have to change yourself! Do you want your child to be the same way when they are older? As adults we have to change parts of our personalities to give children the best options in life. I make myself go to groups so the children can make friends. I pick up spiders and worms and bugs so that I don't give children a phobia of them. I eat foods that I do not like so that my charges will try anything so they don't become fussy eaters. Sometimes it is for the greater good!

HairyPorter It's not the same thing at all. When you go out to work you talk to your co-workers/clients and I'm betting you will meet friends, relatives, partners for lunch occasionally.

A nanny spends 10-14 hours a day in someone's home, going out only to take the child/ren to 1-2 hour classes, the people in these groups are very rarely friends, more acquaintances. People you know enough to say hi to and ask how their children are doing. The rest of the day is spent in the house or outside with the children.

I work mainly with babies, it's quite monotonous and lonely having no-one to talk to all day, my general routine is morning group for 1-1.5 hours, home for lunch, nap til 3, 1.5 hours outside if the weather is good (or even if it is not good!) or indoor play, tea, bath and bed, I work 12 hours a day and see people for 1-1.5 hours so the other 10 hours is talking to babies who don't answer back! It's boring! It's my job and I love it but if I couldn't have people over for lunch/tea, I would go crazy. Thankfully all of my employers have been more than happy for myself and my charges to socialise with my friends and theirs.

Like I said, I wouldn't work for a family would would trust me to look after their precious children but not trust my judgement on friends. I don't invite people over I barely know, I don't invite people over who would snoop or use my employers things, I don't invite people over who I don't trust.

Thanks for the further useful posts especially with the perspective of a nanny. .

It's still early days with the nanny so maybe time is required to build trust.

She's had the same friends and random kid over again today. No idea how to handle it now. :-S

Every part of me wants to day no no no but it's not that simple.

Sorry but having her friends over to my home would be a deal breaker for me. Yes my nanny doesn't get much adult company but neither does a sahm! That's part of the job surely?? If she's a live in nanny that's a different story but i dont see why a live out nanny who doesn't work 7 days a week and gets to socialize evenings and weekends needs to also socialize during the day in her employers home. That's what libraries, cafes and parks are for! Op I think you need to set down some ground rules!

Would a CM be a better option? Then they won't be in your home at all.
Or could your nanny register as a CM and then work from her home?

Callaird - welcome :)

Hairy - sahm would see other adults as they would organise play dates / meet people

I would have done a 12hr day when I've finished today - with the exception of seeing a friend for a play and lunch (an yes same age) the nanny was the only person I've had adult contact with today - and it was for 2hrs

With exception when the dc napped (hr) and now watching ceebeebies after bath - I've spent most of the remaining 9.5hrs playing with them - jigsaw - painting - cooking - trains - dolls house - bingo - duplo etc

Of I hadn't of seen my friend for a bit of adult conversation prob would have gone mad - as would have the children with each other's company

Obv playing /entertaining /educating the children is my job but to never see anyone would be very lonely

I'M Glad you have found a nanny hairy to is happy to not have people round - but most nannies would - just as a sahm would - and the role of the nanny is to replace mum while at work

Op - you have very right to say to nanny you are happy with play dates but for them to 90% to be with similar aged children

Does your nanny go to the other child's house?

Why on earth would a nanny suddenly want to register as a cm / to have children trash in her house to have to buy tons of toys etc and then be se instead of employed and lose out on sick pay /holidays / ssp

No sane nanny would agree to that moogy

I have also nannied for a family who weren't comfortable with visitors unless cousins/neighbours they know. Quite a reasonable policy, but might be hard to explain as a new rule for your nanny without her taking offence.

Blondes Just a suggestion. Op might prefer it, and nanny might want to be SE and be able to take on more children.
as an aside, what are the advantages for a nanny to be registered with OFSTED. I know they don't have to be but that some are.
Does it mean the parents can use childcare vouchers etc?
Does the nanny get inspected? I'm guessing they're not as if OFSTED decided the setting wasn't up to scratch it's not the nanny's fault!
just wondering.

moogy there is no benefit to the nanny beyond being able to accept childcare vouchers. They are inspected but it's not like a CM inspection, it's just paperwork to prove they have a First Aid certificate, childcare qualification, valid insurance, contract etc. An inspector might ask about child protection or risk assessments but nannies don't have to have written policies so as long as they can explain what they would do/how to manage risk it's fine. Even if the inspection takes place in the workplace, which it doesn't have to - OFSTED don't have right of entry to the employer's house - the inspector can't say anything about the environment because that's out of the nanny's control. All they can do in that situation if a nanny isn't managing risk appropriately is action the nanny to do that.

I think the laundry and guests issues are solve able - personal laundry you dry in your room and your room is off limits. Guests in your house are only to be children of similar age to your child and their carers. I don't think that's unreasonable, if your nanny wants to meet other nannies with charges of other ages she can do it in the park or at a playgroup surely.

But if you would still be uncomfortable ... there is one other possible option... you could advertise for a nanny share with the stipulation that you want the share to be based at the other family's house? (you could say you are willing to contribute to food and heating bills etc). Depends how many DC you have of course and their ages

Thanks for that.
I guess the only other advantage is some potential emplyees might prefer to emply someone that they see as more "regulated"
Other than that, if I was a nanny I'd stay as far from OFSTED as possible!

If the op wants a cm then she needs to find one - it's just not plausible to ask/get the nanny to be one :)

And no benefit at all to nannies to be ofsted - more hassle tbh - esp if vouchers are late/delayed

HairyPorter when I was a SAHM with small DC I had friends over (or went to their houses) all the time - I'd have gone mad otherwise!

op, you are not suited to a nanny. A childminder or nursery is a much better of option for you.

I agree with you, I would hate the thought of someone else in my home all day - having all sorts of nanny friends and their charges over would do me in tbh.....

You could get a tumble dryer? That would get rid of one problem (assuming you don't mind tumbling your undies)
Apart from that, yes I wouldn't want unknown adults mixing with my kids in my home (ie a private space where they can do whatever they like). Round my way (central London), people tend to socialise more out and about ie in the playground or one o-clock club. I would definitely think it's fine for the employer to tell the nanny about how to spend her day re activities. (I am a nanny employer not a nanny, and i've always done this)

To all those saying the old chestnut, you trust your nanny with your kids, so trust her to x,y,z.. That's not the issue. The issue is op likes her home to be a private space. I wouldn't like strangers in my house. And if a nanny cannot cope with meeting other nannies at playgroups, libraries, parks, softplay etc,then i think they are in the wrong job. If being with little ones for long periods bores you, get an office job, or work in a nursery... Then you might appreciate how much freedom you have over your working day...

OP, if there is one nanny who comes over a lot, could you ask to meet her? Would that help?

I have assistants because I'm disabled. They are lovely. Having no choice but to have them in my space drives me demented. Can't even fart in peace :(

depending how many days you have a nanny - say 3 days if part time suggest nanny has other nanny/ies over for one day a week, and you know what day and can make sure undies etc arent on show

if 5 days, then maybe have 2 days, again know which days

problem is , and op admits this, is that she doesnt like people in her personal/private space - thats a hard thing to not have if employ a nanny

maybe suggest M&T groups near you, or sure start centres, swim lesson/music/tumbletots etc so nanny has an activity each day

OP I think you need to use a childminder not a nanny. The nanny has probably picked up on how you feel and knows you are not happy. How long will she stay? I work as a nanny and as others have said only go in parents bedroom to get stuff, e.g. hair dryer for drying children's hair. To put dirty clothes in wash basket. Certainly don't nose around. How would you feel if your boss wasn't comfortable with you being in your office? you would sense it and it would be horrible.

Thanks for the continued posts.

I can probably live with the nanny being there as there are so many benefits. I can't really deal with the strangers being entertained in my home.

I could out my private items away but I have little private space and it seems crazy in my own home

Will see how it goes I guess. I could probably do with unclenching a bit too.

Callaird's post hit the nail on the head for me too as a nanny. Sheis I suggest if you feel that uncomfortable with other people in your home that you check out various Childcare.

Your nanny sounds like she does a good job and would probably be mortified that you resent her having people over so much. Nannying can be far more difficult than people think, hosting and attending play dates should not only be allowed but the parents, but encouraged- both for the development and socialisation of their children, as well as for the sanity of their nanny!

I don't think you should ask your nanny to not have people over personally, I think she'd feel like she'd done something wrong when she hasn't, and I'd put money on her looking for other work. It must be awful to feel this way about your home and possessions, it's clearly making your feel uncomfortable op but maybe looking at other options of Childcare and/or a way of overcoming your emotions like CBT that someone else suggested May be a better way forward.