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Original poster

Problems with dd vs cm children

51 replies

unforgettablememories · 21/09/2013 21:18

Today I had one nine year old mindee. Plus my dd who is nearly ten and her friend who is nearly 11.

These three play really well and are normally easy to mind. Until today.

Today I had an extra child who is four and has learning difficulties.

I explained before hand to the elder kids about his special needs and that they must to be kind to him. My dd and her friend had met him before. The friend said 'but he's annoying and interrupts us when we play.' I told them that I expected them to play nicely.

So three kids run round all morning....screaming laughing and having a good time. Then the little one arrives and instead of being kind the three big ones were really mean. Not hurting him, but running away from him, and telling him to be quiet. Now I never once told them to be quiet in the morning...but anyway.

Fast forward to this evening elder mindee throws away something of the younger child's....think something like a painting, which the little one valued.

I told off the elder child. 10 mins later the elder child disappears and my dd came to tell me that he'd gone.

We went after him and caught up with him, and had a good chat. He said he can't cope with being told off. I went through all the...you should tell us if you go out of the garden ( do I need to complete an accident report or an incident report???)

The parent arrived and I explained the whole situation. She told him off for leaving and talked to him about the rest when they got home. But now he's saying he doesn't want to come if the little one is here.

I know the friend is always trying to get the little one in trouble...He said this rude word etc. My dd seems unable to tolerate the little one either but I thought that was just peer pressure from the friend

I don't know whether to do for the best. I don't want to let anyone down, but neither do I want a repeat of today or unhappy mindeees or dd

I'm so disappointed in my dd, because she didn't support or stand up for the little one. I'm so cross with her I can't speak to her and have given her the cold shoulder all evening, but I know this needs addressing.
But I don't know what to do for getting best.

Can anyone help with a bit of advice? what should I do?

Why am I feeling so shit? I feel like I've let all four of the kids down.
Not my finest day childminding Sad

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 21/09/2013 22:21

Well your chat didn't work so perhaps you need to have it again , or encourage your daughter to make some nicer friends if you think its the friend that instigated it .

lunar1 · 21/09/2013 22:22

My 2 year old found it hysterical today when his brother hit him, it doesn't mean I let him do it again.

I'd be bloody fuming if I left my child in someone's care and they were treated like this, you really let them kick a ball at him because it was soft?

Your dd needs a bloody good telling off for that and you need to look after the children in your care.

Original poster
unforgettablememories · 21/09/2013 22:32

I told you it wasn't my finest day [shameful]

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 21/09/2013 22:50

Dont worry, you could not have predicted this happening if this is out of character for your daughter. But if both your daughter and the other mindee is easily led your dds friend, it might be wise in future not having this particular friend over. Do you think the friend may have planted thoughts in your dd and the other mindee?

Original poster
unforgettablememories · 21/09/2013 23:02

Yes I do think that's exactly what happened. This girl has a relative who is disabled.

The first time I heard her mocking him I said ' be careful what you say, you wouldn't like it if people spoke about x like that, would you?'

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 22/09/2013 00:02

I would stop any playdates for your DD when you're working. I would make it very clear to her that it's because of her awful behaviour today. Tell her you will review this after half term.

Do you have a DP/DH who can take DD out on a weekend when you're working? Maybe she can meet up with her friends at the park?

The friend would not be invited back.

The older mindee has been told off, next time he comes I would have a gentle chat about how he behaved/why it wasn't good/ what will be different next time etc. Don't tell him off again though.

The younger mindee needs to be entertained so that he isn't wanting to play with the older ones all the time. Do you have any friends with similar aged DC who could come for a play so he has some company his own age? You don't need to tell him he can't play with them, just give him something else to do.

greenfolder · 22/09/2013 10:18

I think you need to accept that the dynamic just doesn't work. Maybe dds friend brought out the worst in her but if the combination doesn't work, it doesn't work. I think the sn is a red herring- any 4 year old would want to play with the bigger kids. And most bigger kids would be fed up within 15 mins.

Original poster
unforgettablememories · 22/09/2013 11:42

Thanks all.....the outcome of this all is that I'm fundamentally reviewing whether I should continue being a cm, or I should stop it all and go back to office work. Where to work weekends or not.

The friend is banned while I have mindeees here. To be reviewed at half term. Because dd made bad choices with regards to listening to her friend.

Thank you all for helping me distill the problem into its elements

OP posts:
Tanith · 22/09/2013 15:12

Far from being a red herring, I think the SN is the crux of the problem.

I've had a similar situation with a minded child with SN around this age and there is no doubt that, to some children, it's like a red rag to a bull and needs very careful handling.

I think your mistake was in pre-warning the other children.

Sometimes a child will have heard remarks and attitudes at home and, if they are a leader in the group you are looking after, they will turn the others as well.

Remarks I have heard from my lot - and dealt with instantly and thoroughly - include:
"Don't lets play with him - he's soft in the head!"
"Let's run away from X!"
"That's our toy - you're too stupid to play with it."

The child has now settled very well and is popular with the others, but it took a lot of hard work and vigilance.

And I'm amazed at all these people who would never let the different ages mix! Good lord! My 13 year old plays with his 4 year old sister and so do the older mindees enjoy playing with the younger ones as well as having their own space when they need it. I played with my much younger sister.
It's one of the strengths of childminding that children learn about the world and how to communicate and relate with all ages and kinds of people. I think you're doing your children a disservice by keeping them apart. Life isn't really like school and daycare nurseries, with ages strictly segregated (like they used to do with sexes).

Original poster
unforgettablememories · 22/09/2013 16:58

I think that the exclusion is the key to the bad behaviour of the elder ones. I'd be mortified if I sent my dd to a cm and she was excluded from play no matter what the age groups.

I have spoken to her today and explained the four items of bad behaviour and explained why they are unacceptable. I've also told her that I think she is a mean , not a kind, and that if she treats people like that she will be treated like that by others.

Still undecided whether to carry on or get a different job/ weekends or not etc.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 17:07

How were you feeling about childminding before yesterday?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 17:08

Do you do the weekend work because you need the money, or do you do it because your regulars need weekends occasionally?

AnneUulmelmahay · 22/09/2013 17:18

oh dear it all sounds a bit hard for everyone

you do need to review security though, whatever else is happening

a child escaping your setting is pretty awful. do you have keys on a high hook, presumably your front door is locked and garden secure. children should not be able to exit without your knowing. eek

review your house rules, might help to have them up on display. eg - shoes off indoors, we use kind hands and kind words.

weekend minding is different, somehow, than standard weekly minding; I did it for a short spell many many moons ago, it was was it was, hard graft and impacted on family life, BUT the family we were minding for was in dire straights (one parent posted abroad at short notice, the other parent doing shift work, no family nearby to help) so we did it and came through

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 17:27

Anne - sorry, but that's ridiculous. We are talking about a 10 year old, not a 2 year old. It is a home, not a secure compound!

Original poster
unforgettablememories · 22/09/2013 18:24

the garden is secure. it has a bolt at shoulder height, so that the little ones cant undo it.

the older ones have always had more freedom ( in accordance with their parents wishes) they have been allowed to scoot, cycle and go to the park which we can see from our house. BUT NEVER without express permission for that one occasion.. can we go to the park? yes for 15 minutes etc.

my finances are set up including working weekend, so if i stop doing weekends, i wont earn enough to continue cm

there are no weekend CM in the remote area that i live.

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 22/09/2013 18:28

I wouldn't jack it all in because you had one bad day.

Are you happy doing it generally?

AnneUulmelmahay · 22/09/2013 18:34

oh sorry, I suppose I am thinking of the under 8 group really.

I am having a Very Bad Day Blush

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 19:04

Anne - are you OK?

UM - how did you feel about CMing before yesterday?

Tanith · 22/09/2013 19:09

Agree with the Chipping and Outraged.

Yesterday was a Bad Day. We all have them. See how it goes next week before you decide. Certainly don't take to heart some of the earlier comments on the thread - it doesn't sound like they've used a childminder or know how childminding works.

AnneUulmelmahay · 22/09/2013 19:12

good luck, UM, we do feel for you

(Yes am okay, grrr at life in general, no excuse for not reading the OP properly )

Viviennemary · 22/09/2013 19:13

I agree with don't have the friend round while the little one is there. If you are being paid to mind this child then his needs must come first. And your DD needs to be brought into line to treat people nicely. But just put it down to a bad day. Everyone has them.

Original poster
unforgettablememories · 22/09/2013 19:28

yesterday was the worst day ever! i love my job and i love the kids, but if anything had happened to ANY of the kids yesterday... well it doesn't bear thinking about.

what if he hadn't gone straight to the park?

OP posts:
Original poster
unforgettablememories · 22/09/2013 19:29

what if that ball game had gotten out of hand?

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 22/09/2013 19:33

It wouldn't have got out of hand. It was three 9-11 year olds and a 4 year old in a garden, not the Manchester derby.

HSMMaCM · 23/09/2013 07:46

My DD had a friend who was not allowed over while I was minding. She accepted it and invited other (nicer) friends instead. I mind children from 0-10 and DD is now 14, so it is possible to mix ages.