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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

DSIL looking after DS WWYD? (Sorry it's kind of long)

29 replies

Crocodilehunter · 04/08/2013 20:57

DSIL has offered to look after DS every Monday when I return to work from Mat leave (next Monday eeeek)
The problem is that I am fast starting to doubt her reliability!

She and DS have had a nice little relationship and he likes her but doesnt know her well enough to be with her problem/tear free for a prolonged period so Over the past few weeks We've been arranging for her to come round every Monday to get to know DS and his routine a little better and Monday just gone I took DS round to spend the afternoon with DSIL alone and here are where the problems have started!

so 1st of all on their first afternoon alone I got a phonecall from DMIL to say that DS was v upset and they wanted me to pick him up because they it wasn't fair on him to be so upset!

I went to collect him and they assured me that DSIL had tried everything she canto calm him but DS was just not for settling, DP asked what would happen in this situation when returned to work and DMIL said they would just have to put up with it well if that's the case why couldn't you just put up with it like you're going to do when I'm back at work is that harsh of me?

2nd of all, midweek, DMIL tells DP that she is taking a holiday late August because DSIL has made plans already (fair enough to making other plans but why not tell the parents of the children you have offered to look after so they know what is going on first hand)

3rd of all DSIL was supposed to be having DS for the day tomo but has text during the day to say she is at a wedding so is it alright if we give tomo a miss because she knows she is going to be rough! She has promised DP that this is a one off and it will not happen again!

After the first and second point the third thing just made me doubt whether we can really rely on her to make a commitment like this, she is 22 (which doesn't really make a difference to me as I'm only 24 suppose i'm just trying to highlight the lack of life experience) but has never really had to have anyone count on her like we're counting on her!

It also bothers me that a lot of the information is being passed to us through DMIL instead of direct from her!

She did offer to take this commitment and after what happened last Monday we have given her an outright opportunity to back out if she feels it might be a bit too much for her ATM making it clear that there would be no hard feelings, which she has turned down!

WWYD In this situation?

OP posts:
Cindy34 · 04/08/2013 21:07

Was the afternoon a trial - if so, does seem strange that they call you as soon as it starts to go wrong. How old is DS? Children will be upset initially, or even later on once the novelty wears off.

Reliability would worry me, though it is early days. Have they ever done anything in the past, job wise - where they reliable in that job or did they get the sack, or leave due to attendance issues?

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/08/2013 21:07

A few questions;

Why is DSIL not working?

Are you paying her to look after DS?

What childcare are you using the rest of the week?

Can you afford to pay for 'proper' childcare on that day?

RenterNomad · 04/08/2013 21:09

Don't give her the opportunity: take it yourself!

Anyway, it sounds like your SIL is being railroaded into it by her mother, and isn't really committed to it herself.

Steben · 04/08/2013 21:10

Did the offer of child care come through dmil? Or dsil?

tittytittyhanghang · 04/08/2013 21:15

I think i'd probably give her the benefit of the doubt, but make clear to her that if she turns out to be unreliable once you return to work then you would be making alternative arrangements asap. I dont see what difference it makes if works or not or if you are paying her. Proper childcare is great but its nice for children to spend some extra time with family.

Original poster
Crocodilehunter · 04/08/2013 21:36

DS is 9 months, it was a trial afternoon and DS is a persistent little mite which I had forewarned DSIL about so I could have probably have accepted that I had a phone call to collect him if it wasn't for the other two things that has happened since!

DSIL does have a job but Monday is one of her days off, she is v reliable when it comes to her job but I do wonder how much I would want to look after a child (that isn't my own) on one of my precious days off.

We wouldn't pay DSIL for child care it was offered to help us with costs and to form a good relationship between her and DS but to be fair DMIL did mention this arrangement in the first place but DSIL seemed keen (it was spoken about since I was pregnant so it could have just been from the excitement of being an auntie that might have subsided now especially since he was so difficult to calm on Monday )

For the rest of the week DS will have 2 days with me, 1 in nursery and 1 with DMIL! A a push we could do another day in nursery, we have told DSIL this (without mentioning that it would be at a push Smile ) but she was adamant that she wanted to have him!

OP posts:
NomDeClavier · 04/08/2013 21:45

9 months is prime separation anxiety age so it's not unusual that she/they found it hard to cope. What would worry me is that she hasn't made an effort to establish a relationship so he will settle.

Does she realise you won't be able to walk out of work to look after him? How much experience does she have with children, especially those your DS's age? How is he with your MIL?

I would honestly put him in nursery unless you MIL is going to be around/backup.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/08/2013 21:55

I'd give her another chance as long as either MIL or nursery will be able to pick up the Monday at short notice if she lets you down.

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/08/2013 21:57

I do think that looking after a baby all day for no pay when you're already working is a lot to take on and I wonder whether she might struggle to be 100% reliable.

missimperfect · 04/08/2013 22:10

I think this sort of favour is an awful lot to expect from her to be honest. She will either begin to resent it or will become unreliable and start trying to change around with MIL or cancel when something else comes up. And wont you start to feel like you "owe her" if she does take this on it is quite a lot? I am not sure I would feel comfortable. It will also be hard for you to criticise if she doesn't do things your way since she is doing it all as a favour. You would need a very good relationship with her for this to work.
Is the MIL day a day which she doesn't work? Maybe a better arrangement would be for her to start by sharing the care with MIL somehow. Also could she do some babysitting on her own while you go out sometimes - or even on one of your days off. Maybe say that you would prefer to start that way until DS is a bit older.
If you do want to give it a go and just see if it works out, I agree that you need MIL or nursery as a backup.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2013 22:16

Sounds like dsil may be having second doubts after her trial (alone)

Looking after a child unpaid on my day off would not be my idea of fun

By all means give it a trial but I would seriously think about putting in nursery another day if she lets you down even once

What does your oh think

Borntobeamum · 05/08/2013 09:06

I think I'd be looking for more consistent Childcare.
Your ds is going to be dotted around which isn't ideal.

CaptainSweatPants · 05/08/2013 09:11

Does she live with mil?
Sounds worrying that mil couldn't settle the baby when she herself is going to be doing a day a week
I'd stick to nursery on all the days you work tbh

Original poster
Crocodilehunter · 05/08/2013 11:25

I agree it is a lot to take on especially as she only has one other day off! I could see it from her point of view if she didnt want to do it but i'd just rather her be honest and tell us now while i have a week left to organise care arrangements for DS rather than wait till something else comes up (which may never happen for all I know)
DP assures me that DSIL really wants to do it but I'm just not sure after what's happened so far! He's not really the kind of person to read in to a situation but will take things at face value, so not much use to me in this situation.
DMIL was with her on that day but just by coincidence they normally have set days off (DSIL monday, DMIL friday) but it just so happened that DMIL had a holiday that day, they say she took a step back and left DSIL to it which I do believe!
DMIL has also had a couple of trials of which have been successful so far DS seems at ease with her but they she has seen and bonded a lot more with DS than DSIL has had chance to!
I do agree that it is a lot of flitting about for DS care wise but unfortunatly we are a victim of circumstances and like i say could afford one more day in nursery at a push but literally all my salary would be taken to pay the bills and put DS in nursery, if we tried to put him in for all 3 days there really would be no then that would also cut in to DP's salary leaving us very little after food shopping etc

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 05/08/2013 13:10

You don't need dp to assure you that dsil wants to look after ds

You need to actually ask dsil if she is happy to care for her nephew every week - it's a lot to ask imho

Caffeineaddictedmumof4 · 05/08/2013 16:06

I think I'd be tempted to use other childcare but suggest that she take your ds for occasional days or 1/2 days especially as he gets older. That way she get to do the 'fun' aunty stuff. I was a childminder for a child from 7 months till he was 4, and his aunty would have him the odd afternoon to begin with then sometimes collect him a bit early and have him overnight, they had a lovely relationship.

minderjinx · 05/08/2013 16:36

I don't think you can reasonably call someone unreliable for failing to do you a huge favour. t sounds like she has been talked into this by MIL and is embarrassed or worried about backing out. Maybe (just maybe!) if she was a SAHM with children of her own I might be tempted to ask this of her (but then only if she would accept payment or some equivalent returned favour), but to use up one of her precious days off work every week is a huge ask, particularly if the child is not easy and she has no parenting experience. Would you be offering if your positions were reversed? I think you need to think again. This sounds like a recipe for falling out.

DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2013 16:43

My DM has my son once a week and there have been occasions when my mother has been ill and so I have had to take time off work. There are also times when my mum is on holiday so I take time off then. This is pretty normal IMO - I have factored that in to the arrangement and I get plenty of notice.

Your SIL sounds a bit unreliable though.

anewyear · 07/08/2013 11:18

What experience of children does she have apart from seeing your child every now and then?
To be honest, and Ill prob'ly get flamed for this, I wouldnt want any one so inexperienced looking after my child.

TBH I wouldnt have wanted ME at that age and I was half way thro my NNEB at 22, but apart from babysitting/and college placements not much experience at all.

QuintessentiallyOhDear · 07/08/2013 11:23

3 different types of child care in a week, that is a lot for a little one to cope with. I would go with two days in nursery and one day with mil/sil - they could alternate the care or do it together if you did it on a Monday.

Mrscupcake23 · 07/08/2013 22:30

Anewyear think age doesn't come in to it, I have sixteen year olds with no training that have been very good and natural with children. A few weeks ago I did a wedding crèche with trained nannies one if the guests who was sixteen came to help and she was better than at least two of the nannies really natural.

Op why don't you just try it? It's not ideal but as money is short it is a big saving. However it is a big ask and a massive favour so I can quite see if she is hungover from a wedding and you don't really need her why she did not do it, she wasn't really letting you down as you wasn't at work.

OutragedFromLeeds · 07/08/2013 23:30

I agree with Mrs on the age thing. I was 21 when I started nannying and I was great Wink.

Are you writing off all parents under the age of 22 anew? Bearing in mind the OP is only 24?! The SIL is not formal childcare, she's family caring for free.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2013 07:41

Agree age has nothing to do with it

I did the nneb at 16 and was looking after a 5yr and 4mth at just 18 sole charge 5 days a week for 11-12hrs a day

But it was my chosen profession and what I wanted to do

Even now as an older experienced nanny I wouldn't be happy giving up my day off every week to look after my great nephew - he's gorgeous at 4mths but obv hard work and Takes commitment

Op - have you actually sat down with dsil and asked her if ok doing it?

Or have a trial period of a month and see how it goes

Tanith · 08/08/2013 09:20

You say in your OP that you are counting on your SIL to provide this care for you.

I think the problem is that this is SIL's day off and she will always regard it as her day off. If something comes along, she will either drop your DS (as she has already done) or she will resent losing her free time to provide free childcare for you.

Speaking from my own experience of my MIL making a similar kind offer, I doubt you will be given sufficient notice of days when she can't look after your DS - and those times will be enough to cause a real problem.
You're expecting reliable childcare because that's what you need for your job. Your SIL has already twice proved that she sees it as doing you a favour, not as a regular commitment that she can't drop for other things.

I would not ask your SIL to do this on anything other than a casual basis, certainly not something to rely on.

LIZS · 08/08/2013 09:33

agree it tanith , I think you are viewing this arrangement with more commitment than dsil. how are you covering her holiday which will only be a few times in ? You need this more than she does. Do you really want the stress of thinking she and even dmil may let you down ?