My aupair is plain lazy.... help

[Horseymumjo]

Hi! Am in need of advice from other mums with au pairs.

Our au pair joined us a month ago, and the first week with us I took a weeks holiday to help settle her in, show her the ropes and the local area, etc.

We live in a rural location so have provided her with a car for school runs and to be at her disposal for her weekends off. I have also provided her with a sat nav.

Now 4 weeks on, we have a major problem. Her car broke last weekend (fan belt) so we have spent all week trying to get it fixed. We have had to resume doing all the school runs and juggling the children as a result. Midweek she came down with a cold, as did I, and she has barely left her bed since. I had to take the whole day off today to do the school runs, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. I am self employed, so it cost me hard cash.

She spends all evening and most weekends in her bedroom, posting on Facebook how miserable she is and how much she misses her family and friends. I have tried to talking to her, inviting her to sit with us in the evenings, but she doesn't want to.

in the last couple of weeks I have asked her to cook meals, tidy the children's bedroom, Hoover in the hallway. She has not done any of these things. It transpires she does not know how to cook. Yesterday she was asked to cook pork chops, nd had to call her boyfriend at home to find out how. This was checked in the initial interviews, and is an integral part of her duties. I have shown her where the cook books are in case she needs inspitiration, but as yet she hasn't used them. I have cooked more meals in the last 4 weeks than she has. In fact I think I have only eaten 1 meal that she has cooked. I have suggested she cooks meals from home, that she is used to, we are happy to try new things, but she doesn't seem to know how to do anything.

in addition she has the use of a private bathroom. She has been using it for the last 3 weeks and hasn't cleaned it once. I only discovered that this evening.

I am beginning to think she thinks she is just on holiday, staying with us for free, and being paid too. Feel like I am being taken for a mug.

so do I sack her? Help!?

J x

From your original description, what you want isn't an au pair, it's a FT nanny and a PT cleaner. A live-in nanny would also need lodging and use of a car, by the way, and would cost you a lot more than £80.

She also sounds as though she's not likely to be the world's greatest au pair either, that's true. But it's a secondary issue.

Wow! Threads like this really bring out the bring on the revolution elements of mn.

I would look into other options. My au pair was paid £100pw plus board and lodging, for less hours than yours. But still, it is like getting another grown up child.

But he is leaving us at the end of the week and I shall not be replacing him as my housekeeper is going to do extra hours and pick up from school on my office days. Even though she is going to be paid a lot more in terms of hourly rate I expect to be better off as I wont be running an extra car and feeding another mouth. And I would rather pay more to a responsible adult than have a sucession of othe peoples grown up children living with us

first i thought your ap was taking the piss from the title but after reading the posts, she isnt,you are op

you want and need a childcare from lunchtime to 5/6pm - as well as cleaning and cooking - this is not an ap role, you need a nanny/hk or nanny and cleaner and this will cost you more like £80 a day gross rather then £80 a week

regardless of hours/wages etc a 22yr should be able to cook basic stuff as casseroles/fish pie/lasagne etc

You would be amazed how many young people cant. I have only ever had one au pair who could cook - she was really good, but her mother was an awesome cook also.

Interestingly, my current au pair says ours is the only family he has ever been with where the children routinely help out in the kitchen, and have chores of their own to do. In every other household the children sat around and where waited on. IMO if we dont teach our own children to do houswork, why should we be surprised to meet a sucession of clueless young adults

out of my 3 APs, only one could cook. She was 19. The others were 20 and 25 and couldn't boil and egg between the both of them.

when i was 19 i could cook you curry but if you wanted anything else it might be an issue.

Gosh just read this thread and feel so sad for this au pair.

I used to be an au pair and worked 5 hours a day helping around the house and looking after the children. I was desperately homesick at first and pretty useless at everything but they treated me like a member of their family and taught me lots of new skills and I was then able to carry out any expected tasks. I ended up staying for a year and still keep in touch 16 years later! I now have children of my own and if anyone expected this of my daughter for £80 a week I would be horrified!

Threads like this make me despair of MN, truly :(

You were paying her £1.60 an hour. Your revised schedule suggests paying her a princely £2.30 an hour. No wonder she's unhappy.

Why don't you just lock her in the basement and have done with it?

As for the 'gosh, I'm not surprised you have problems with a young woman from a fairly wealthy background, I employ Romanians for absolutely fuck all but they work really hard and they're dead grateful' post, you should be very ashamed of yourself.

The attitude to au pairs on this board quite often appals me. It's shameful

They are not paid by the hour. They are given pocket money. They are not be compared to a salaried employee. If you use an agency, it is made 100% clear that they are not employees.

They are given pocket money because it's not a proper job though, it's "helping out" while living with a family and learning English/experiencing a new culture. 40 hours a week of childcare/cleaning/cooking isn't helping out, it's a proper job.

Exactly. And here we have a situation where the host expects a job to be done and the au pair doesn't expect to help out.

nkf - if you're expecting a young woman to work 50 hours a week (as the OP was, she's now revised the hours down to around 35), and you're going to pay her 'pocket money', you're exploiting her.

And you should also be ashamed for thinking that's acceptable.

I think people are being a little harsh with laying into the OP here, can we not keep some boundaries? Would you speak to a person like this to their face?

Whilst I agree, in principal, that the expected work-load of the AP is high this doesn't excuse her attitude and, as someone has pointed out, she was informed of the job role and accepted it.

I think that it is reasonable to ask for the AP to cook for the children - maybe not EVERY day though - but is asking a lot to cook for the family.
I think that general, light housekeeping is again fair but it not if it gets in the way of looking after the children.
I think some people have fairly summarised APs roles well:

• do the school run
• cook some basic meals
• entertain the children (but not all day)
• do some light housekeeping

And I've only just turned 21 and am more than capable of cooking a full roast dinner for 8+ people and am astonished that people in their early twenties can't even cook pasta! Wha?!

I've said all along that I think the OP is expecting too much. I don't know what I'm supposed to be ashamed of.

'And I've only just turned 21 and am more than capable of cooking a full roast dinner for 8+ people and am astonished that people in their early twenties can't even cook pasta! Wha?! '

Everyone's different NotA, they come from different backgrounds, have had different experiences and opportunities. You should be so shocked to discover this.

Yes I would NotaChocolateRaisin.
I actually think, after years of reading AP threads on MN, that it should be made illegal or at least much more highly regulated. There's far too much potential for exploitation and while the majority of families are very nice to their APs and they become like elder sisters to their children, there are clearly a lot of people who use them as as a cheap source of labour.

And that's not acceptable.

There's no such thing as an au pair plus. That's just a nanny on the cheap. And nobody would give this girl a nanny's salary because she can't cook and spends time in her room rather than with the children. It's a total mismatch of skills, needs and expectations. That's all. It doesn't have to be some sort of class war number.

You implied that working a 40 hour week for 'pocket money' was acceptable nkf.

No, I didn't. Not once.

I'm in a funny situation here as I'm a Nanny so basically get a large(ish) salary to do what the OP is asking of her au pair (though with more work and hours etc) so I'm torn between respected the OP for being honest and asking AIBU but also cringing at the idea of getting a fifth of my weekly pay...

I've lived on my own with out parental support for almost 6 years which is my excuse for the cooking but I still can't believe that an adult can't cook an egg?!

Sorry nfk - I must have misunderstood. Chocraisin - you might be able to cook but as others have said, in S Africa, servants are very common so cleaning and cooking are not expected

Used to work in SA so understand that.
I'm commenting not on this AP but of the other 20 somethings mentioned, many of whom I imagine are British.

I don't think you can do an hourly rate unless you are including as part of the salary the value of board and lodging. Generally in London this is thought to be the equivalent of £100-150 per week.
For instance, I have a 23 year old experienced nanny living in and doing 15 hours and one babysit a week for which I am paying her £90. On top of that I pay for her mobile, all her food, bills and she has a room and bathroom in central London. This would be costing her around £150 so you could say I'm paying her the equivalent of £240 which works out as a great hourly rate. Or if you don't include the benefits of board and lodging, you could say I'm paying her £6 an hour plus the babysit which isn't very good.
That said, the cleaning she does is entirely separate hours to the childcare and I would never expect them to be done at the same time. And I'm paying £90 for 15 hours and live in prime central London so there are a lot of people who'd be interested in doing it. And I absolutely would never expect her to cook for anyone but the children, unless she makes a big batch of soup and offers it to me.