My aupair is plain lazy.... help

[Horseymumjo]

Hi! Am in need of advice from other mums with au pairs.

Our au pair joined us a month ago, and the first week with us I took a weeks holiday to help settle her in, show her the ropes and the local area, etc.

We live in a rural location so have provided her with a car for school runs and to be at her disposal for her weekends off. I have also provided her with a sat nav.

Now 4 weeks on, we have a major problem. Her car broke last weekend (fan belt) so we have spent all week trying to get it fixed. We have had to resume doing all the school runs and juggling the children as a result. Midweek she came down with a cold, as did I, and she has barely left her bed since. I had to take the whole day off today to do the school runs, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. I am self employed, so it cost me hard cash.

She spends all evening and most weekends in her bedroom, posting on Facebook how miserable she is and how much she misses her family and friends. I have tried to talking to her, inviting her to sit with us in the evenings, but she doesn't want to.

in the last couple of weeks I have asked her to cook meals, tidy the children's bedroom, Hoover in the hallway. She has not done any of these things. It transpires she does not know how to cook. Yesterday she was asked to cook pork chops, nd had to call her boyfriend at home to find out how. This was checked in the initial interviews, and is an integral part of her duties. I have shown her where the cook books are in case she needs inspitiration, but as yet she hasn't used them. I have cooked more meals in the last 4 weeks than she has. In fact I think I have only eaten 1 meal that she has cooked. I have suggested she cooks meals from home, that she is used to, we are happy to try new things, but she doesn't seem to know how to do anything.

in addition she has the use of a private bathroom. She has been using it for the last 3 weeks and hasn't cleaned it once. I only discovered that this evening.

I am beginning to think she thinks she is just on holiday, staying with us for free, and being paid too. Feel like I am being taken for a mug.

so do I sack her? Help!?

J x

Bobbi fleckman.

No I don't expect that much at all. Read the previous posts before commenting.

Conflugen, I have had 7 aupairs but don't really recognise the parental role you describe. Many of my aupairs (the good ones) were independent and had their own social life. I rarely needed to act the confidant or enquire into their social lives. They did not particularly volunteer the information either.

One had depression/homesickness and she left after a few months. I don't think I could have been there for her as I am hardly in the house as it is.

None of my aupairs were above 20 years of age, often on a gap year. Hats off to all of them (the good ones, that is)!

And I am a hard nosed City worker so not used to pastoral care at all! I guess we find the aupairs that suit us.

Asmy, I agree: my role with some (not all) of the au pairs I've had might be because I am a counsellor.

Ah, x-post with you too, blue. Yes, I do think there's some connection there, and that we get the au pairs that suit us. Tbh, I think we pick them on some unconscious level as well as a conscious one. One or two of my au pairs have been some of my greatest teachers, and the lesson wasn't always a comfortable one for either of us.

my best au pairs have been mid-20s or above, usually with a uni education. my worse one was a 20 year old english girl.

i don't want another daughter, so would rather not have an AP i need to mother.

fwiw OP, I wouldn't be happy if my AP didn't interact with the children, and also would say something (and indeed did with current ap) if the ap reverted to guest/child mode at weekends - mine too used to leave her crockery out for example. Given that i don't expect my children to do that, I did say something.

I haven't read all of this but we used to have au-pairs - we had about four, one disaster. In my experience the very best were Swedish in context of language and cooking (Sweden is about 25 years behind the UK in the context of ready meals, etc., where they are not as much a part of the culture as here).

Our last au-pair was in 2009/10. Ours had their own large room and bathroom and were paid £80.00pw, had use of the phone (we have a good deal in international calls), a house mobile, one paid term of language classes, statutory holiday and pay, one paid return flight home. We live in zone 2 London. For that we expected:

About one hour each day of laundry
Collect children from school each day and cook their tea, sort out clubs, etc. between 3.30 and 6.30. Tea would be things like: pasta, nuggets, sausages, spag bol, popping a prepared shepherd's pie in the oven and cooking some veg, etc. I would not under any circumstances have expected them to cook for the family on a daily basis.
One night of babysitting, sometimes two
Full-time cover during half the school holidays with extra pay
Keeping the children's rooms tidy
loading and unloading the dishwasher
Odd jobs, such as drycleaning and shoe mending, etc.

We had a cleaner as well who came for four hours a week.

Apart from one all of ours stayed more than a year, made friends, and seemed to have a lovely time. It was hard work at the beginning but I used to make it very very clear from the beginning (before they came) what the expectations were.

I think there are two issues here OP - firstly, that your expectations are too much, and you are expecting an awful lot from a young girl for not much money. Secondly, the au pair is lazy, or at least not used to cleaning up after herself - while it's understandable that she finds your wishes for cooking meals overwhelming, she should at least be washing up her own breakfast things.

I would chalk this up to experience, and give her notice. Advertise again for an au pair doing before and after school/nursery childcare, simple meals for the kids and a bit of daily tidying, and hire a cleaner for the rest.

From what you have said I feel you are expecting far too much.

You could ask her what she is expecting to do op
Good basis for a chat

Tbh your schedule sounds why I imagine a nanny would do. She may well be lazy and not up to the job but I think you are asking too much.

Horseymumjo - i have read the whole thread, and my comments are based on what you have said your require. It's a cleaner plus nanny housekeeper you're after but you're doing on a fraction of the cost therefore getting a fraction of the service

I think think you are expecting too much, and also it is likely she is princessy.

South Africans are spoilt! I dont mean that in a bad way, I mean in terms of the service they receive compared to here. It is normal for people to have maids, and my cousins my age in South Africa who are single and living with parents etc dont do their own cooking and cleaning, their maid does it.

In petrol stations you don't have to get out of the cr, as soon as you pull up someone comes and fills the car up for you, does the gas and air for you, cleans your windscreen etc.

It would be a big change. Even though it is an English speaking county, there are still cultural differences.

Your revised schedule sounds OK Horsey. However if you want your AP to focus on looking after your dc for 6 hours per day, it isn't unreasonable to expect her to enage with your children more. Would your preschooler honestly be happy with playing on his own or with his siblings or watching the TV for 5 straight hours, and be content to just leave your AP reading??

See how it goes this week on your new schedule - but if she still isn't getting on with your dc, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

A family/AP relationship isn't weighted in favour of an AP either. Given the right person/attitude/expectations etc it can actually be very rewarding for both parties.

I have had aupairs for the last few years and all have stayed for at least a year so I think that what we ask is reasonable. My current aupair works between 25-30 hours a week plus 2 nights babysitting one of which is often a saturday night and I pay her £90

She gets up every morning at 7.30 and does the children's breakfast, makes their beds and twice a week takes them to school and nursery. Twice a week she picks up from nursery at 12.30 and has sole charge until 5.30. During this time she gives lunch, just sandwiches, takes him to the park or to a playdate with another aupair and her charge, picks up the older one from school, prepares an easy dinner for them (not for us) ie pasta with cheese, jacket potato and beans, sausages & veg etc and she will usually give the little one a bath on her sole charge days.

In addition she does 2 cleans a week, I don't have a separate cleaner, she also does all the DC's washing during the week (puts a load in the machine, then into the drier and either her or I fold it) and does about an hour a week of ironing.

I always have Romanian girls over the age of 21. I find them very pleasant, extremely hard working and they are often planning to stay in the uk permanently and don't appear to suffer from homesickness. Without exception they have been clean and tidy and I have never had to get involved with them emotionally.

I would reiterate concerns over having a South African aupair. If she is from a comfortable family it is highly likely she is used to having a full time maid looking after her and this is probably a big shock to the system.

TBH OP I don't think you come across that well. Your revised schedule just takes the piss.

8am grab a coffee and some breakfast (sure)
8.15 am get the two DS's washed and dressed, herself at the same time. (I assume that your 4 year old needs help and she has to make sure that the other one is sorted and I assume that she needs to give them breakfast???)
8.40 drive DS's to school
9am -12noon own time.
12noon collect 4yo Ds1 from nursery. Sit on sofa reading her book and watching him play on his own until... (ridiculous, clearly she has no hope in hell to read a book whilst your ds will play on his own for three hours, you are just taking the piss)
3.15 collect Ds2 from school
3.45 arrive home and sit on sofa reading her book watching ds1&2 play in front of the tv until 5pm when DH arrives home and assumes control of the dc's again. (again very unreasonable how you put it, she has no hope in hell to read a book whilst your kids are running amok)
6pm re-emerge from her room to eat dinner, prepared by me or DH.

It is clear you do not like your au pair, you think she is lazy. Fine, get rid of her, best for you and for her. Next time pay for what you need: a cleaner and a nanny.

I think the main problem isn't the au pair or the work ethic of the country, but your attitide OP.

Having read your posts I'm not at all surprised that the au pair is homesick and unhappy.

Well done by the way for cleaning your own house and doing your own laundry and cooking your own food this weekend.

Agree with others, you don't come across as very caring. Have you checked the contract? Does it say au pair or nanny, cleaner, cook and general slave?

Agree with everyone - you're expecting too much of the AP. You really need a nanny and a housekeeper, which would cost a lot more.

I know she replied to your ad, but really - it's too much for someone who has never run a house before, or looked after a family.

Poor girl .

I do think it unfair to say the AP scheme is weighted in favour of the AP. From the stories i hear from our Ap's friend's it seems quite the opposite!

The bottom line is an AP is supposed to work 25 hours a week approx- in theory so they can do a language course. Even revised your hours are much more than that. I don't personally think that any of the jobs you have mentioned are that taxing of an AP- but there are too many of them all at once.

I know we are very lucky, but so far ( she has been here a month) our AP seems to be pretty good at all three areas- maybe cleaning being her weakest. (She has got the hang of it now, but the first time I asked her to hoover downstairs it took her 2.5 hours!!! It should take 20min max. It now takes her 25min.)

We pay at the lower end of the MN range at £65 pw, although locally we pay bang in the middle- her friends get paid £55-75pw. But she says her role is a lot easier than others where families seem to think their APs are house elves!

Our AP always has mornings free. She goes to college twice a week. Two days per week she takes DS2 for me for an hour or so during the early afternoon, to the park etc whilst I work from home. Aside from that she helps with after school routine with both DSs- homework, dinner bath and bed. Two days per week she has DS2 alone from 330pm til bedtime whilst DS1 is at after school activities. During the daytime during the week she hoovers upstairs, downstairs, changes boys bedding and does the odd bit of tidying/dusting. She does one of those jobs per day. That is all the stuff I ask of her during work hours.

Outside of work hours she is always v helpful, in terms of mucking in with washing up, loading dishwasher etc, help making dinner. I do appreciate that if she wasn't it would annoy me! But equally we treat her as an adult in the household, so most nights she watches tv with us, if we open a glass of wine we will ask her to join us, if we get a take away we will get her one too. I think it works both ways. I know that when we have had a crisis she goes above and beyond what she is supposed to do to help out. Eg when our dog was sadly put to sleep I was a total wreck, she took DS2 all day, she fed him, played with him, took him out, bathed and bedded him and I didn't need to worry about him.

Some of her friends are expected to work 7-8 hours per day. They are left extensive lists of housework jobs- things more suited to a cleaner. They are told to make their meals seperately and stay in their rooms in the evening. Several have had problems with the children not being accepting/downright rude and the parents don't support the AP. I think that is awful. The parents stand by and let the children be rude and don't tell them off etc. It must be awful as a young person in a strange country to be treated that way.