Child Special needs mothers never told me

[Justanameok5454]

Hi just started a new job in August., looking after four children twins girls aged 4 and boy 8 & 9 years. All fine but oldest boy seems to have some kind of special needs. He is on a gifted programme at school, but he has these melt downs where he lashes out and his brothers and today his sisters too. He also is very controlling telling me what to do all the time. anyway one of the other mums at his school today mentioned his autism. I was shocked mother never mentioned this. To be honest am thinking of leaving. But just moved to the area and everything and made lots of friends. But am annoyed mother knew this and never told me. She says he can be difficult but never mentioned autism. I would like to know how to help him. But his tempers can be very frightening.

I think you need to sit down and ask her straight about this. She absolutely should have told you. She has been unfair to you and to her child as she should have made sure you knew how to help him and how to manage his behaviour.

Would you have taken the job of you knew?

Not sure if I would have taken the job. I don't know much about Aspergers , will read up. I need to know how to deal with him. Also yes I will speak to her. Am feeling confused at moment , can't believe she didn't tell me this.

I think she has been very unfair to.both you and him. How could you be.expected to.meet. his needs when you weren't told about them?

Hi Colditz , yes agree, I feel bad now telling him off , if he can't control his behaviour, and angry with the mother. But can't understand why she would have done this. The other mother at school seem to give the impression it was common knowledge.

Maybe she is in denial and thinks being labelled autistic would not be positive for him. I know someone like this.

It might be common assumptions rather than actual fact. Other parents may well have put his behaviour down to having some kind of SEN but it may be that his behaviour needs dealing with. I would chat to the child's mother and see what she says and I would also try not to be too angry until I knew the facts. It could just be gossip among these other parents.

Are you thinking of leaving because of the child's challenging behavior, or because a mum on the playground mentioned he has autism and don't feel you are equipped to deal with it?

I'm not going to second guess why the mother chose not to mention her DSs autism, or even his tantrums. But I think you should feel honoured she considered you capable of caring for him.

And if I was looking for a nanny, I would be impressed to read the CV of someone who had cared for twins and an autistic child at the same time.

Iwill without telling me too much can you tell me about your friend in denial. Because am wondering if this mother is too. She seems so caring and open. I understand labels are not always positive but seems this boy is not getting help he needs.

you need to tread v carefully

the on dit in the schoolyard might be the child is autistic but this might not necessarily be the case; a hot headed or quirky child can be 'labelled' by others without foundation

by all means discuss your concerns, ones that you have observed, like the lashing out, or being controlling (which could well be interpreted as sibling rivalry or being bossy/assertive if you see what I mean)

Thinking of leaving because of his behaviour, it is every day and makes the job very unpleasant, that sound very uncaring, and I'm not. But don't seem to be winning with this young man.

or what Lucy said (stupid fat slow sausage fingers)

Of course, we don't know if this child actually has a diagnosis, in which case of course the mother hasn't mentioned autism.

I think she should have mentioned the tantrums, though. (Having said this, I play down DSs challenging behavior to people, hoping it won't happen too much when they are around. )

Tony Attwood has written a good book about Aspergers Syndrome. Borrow/get the Parents guide version as the big book he has also written is probably too much for your needs right now.

The parents may be members of their local NAS (National Autistic Society) branch and they may have a lending library.

Yes I feel they should of told you and given you information about it, strateges they use to cope with meltdowns, known triggers. Consistency and routines can help.

Thanks for all your advice, definately will tread carefully, as yes playground gossip could be wrong.

And will get that book.

good luck

Signing off now, thanks everyone

The parent/s should have told you but i d think you are bieng a little harsh. Read up on Aspergers/Autism.

My 12 yo ds has been experiencing extreme behavioural issues including excessive anxiety & anger since starting secondary school. School think he may have mild Aspergers & his is undergoing counselling & assessment but he has no actual diagnosis. It may be that your charge might be in a similar position of having suspected but not diagnosed autism.
Either way it would have been helpful if the parent had discussed this with you not so you could refuse the job but so you understood how best to meet her sons particular needs and deal with any outbursts appropriately (or indeed recognise triggers & head them off before they start). Definitely read up as there are many strategies you can use to help prevent meltdowns & deal with the ones you can't prevent. Don't give up on him though and talk to Mum

This poor child has been labelled so many times, autistic or Asperger, ..speak to mum for clarification and then contact your Early Years team for support and training...don't second guess

You need to speak to the mum and find out the facts - she could be in denial or simply the boy is being difficult or that he does have problems / special needs but no one has assessed him or picked it up

I'm Temping for a little boy at the moment and the dad thinks he had severe sn - I think possibly mild autism or aspergers from his behaviour - the mum thinks he's ok - and at the moment is being assessed

Hi just an update.
Had a long chat with mum today. Was able to meet her when children out.
The little boy has been seen by an educational psychologist and Aspergers was mentioned. But mum and dad don't like labels. We discussed ways of coping with his temper. Also I pointed out his brother seem to be suffering when he is attacked for no reason. Am going to see how it goes. But must admit I have contacted my agency, and may look for another job in month or two if no improvement. Family are going to Australia for a month at Christmas, so may be ideal time to leave or not.

tbh if you are already looking for a new job I think you should be upfront about it. If this child does have sn such as autism then consistency and routine is really important. As a parent I would be quite irritated if I had just got my child settled only for nanny to leave as he or she had sn.

cansu I think that's a bit harsh. The mother wasn't honest upfront about the demands of the job and nobody's ever obliged to tell their employer they're thinking about leaving. Justaname said she was going to see how it went and give it another couple of months. I think that's fair enough. If she does decide to leave hopefully the mother will look for someone who has experience with SN or at least be honest about it.