Child Special needs mothers never told me

[Justanameok5454]

Hi just started a new job in August., looking after four children twins girls aged 4 and boy 8 & 9 years. All fine but oldest boy seems to have some kind of special needs. He is on a gifted programme at school, but he has these melt downs where he lashes out and his brothers and today his sisters too. He also is very controlling telling me what to do all the time. anyway one of the other mums at his school today mentioned his autism. I was shocked mother never mentioned this. To be honest am thinking of leaving. But just moved to the area and everything and made lots of friends. But am annoyed mother knew this and never told me. She says he can be difficult but never mentioned autism. I would like to know how to help him. But his tempers can be very frightening.

Haha sn experience! Did you know that as soon as you add sn to anything you pay three times the price or can't get anything.
Mum didn't mention it as clearly he doesn't have a dx and she's not keen on "label" and therefore isn't likely to tell people.

You need to tell her your planning on leaving because it might take a while to find someone with "experience" and also she will need to prepare him too.

I can't help feeling that if the mother isn't upfront about her son's SN she's going to have a string of nannies quitting on her. It's not fair to the nanny or the DC for her to be hiding this and presumably the boy with SN is not getting the additional help he may need either and his brother sounds like he's suffering. What a shit situation all round. Mother needs to face up to this and get some proper help.

The mother definately should have been upfront, for her son's and your sake. You've known this boy since August? In terms of autism, the whole transition of getting to know you and your routine has probably taken him that long (and longer) just to get familliar with you. Transitions, whether big ones or small daily ones, can be very hard on people with autism. Find out how the parents respond to challenging behaviour. If you're doing something different, it won't work. You all need to be consistent. Find out everything they know about what triggers the behaviour and a few strategies to head them off. Find out what relaxes him and what he likes in his daily routine at home so you can replicate it as much as possible. If the boy is a good communicator, you and he might work on him being able to have set words to tell you when he needs a break from a crowded/busy situation or if he is feeling overwhelmed. And do let the parents know asap if you are thinking of leaving. The next transition doesn't have to be as difficult.

If you believe that working as a child carer is about attaching labels and acting in response to the label then yes you should definitely leave as this family needs someone who is able to work as a part of a team with them to discover what this child's individual needs are and helping to provide for them.

A parent of a child with undiagnosed SEN is in an impossible position - depending on what part of the country you are in it can take years to get the appropriate help (if ever), in the meantime the playground gossips are attaching all sorts of labels from "disturbed" to "retarded", the education authority are refusing to do anything for a child that is achieving educational targets, health professionals present a series of possible diagnoses requiring further differentiation and may be suggesting everything from family therapy to medication...

As a professional nanny you should be working out what you can do to HELP, not feeling sorry for yourself.

IMHO

Asparent I am a nanny, I have worked with a number of SEN children and I am also dyslexic and my son is dyslexic and dispraxic. I would never dream of asking someone to look after my child on a long term basis without informing them of my son's situation if it was relevant. It doesn't need a label but it does need discussion. The nanny should have been told that ** has difficult with .... and needs some skillful handling and at times can do XYZ. Physically can be very scary and unnerving. Had she known she would have mental prepared to deal with it but she isn't and wasn't. It simply is not fair on anyone in that situation.

A simply example in my family is my son can't tell left and right and also has a slight eyesight problem in his left eye. I informed the coach so he can put him on the right sight and when doing exercises requiring quick comprehension and action on instruction suitable clear instructions were given. For my sons sake so he didn't feel stupid and coach didn't get angry with him because of not being informed of the facts. I would be livid if a family did this to me.

It doesn't need a label but it does need discussion.

Well said HappyChappy.

I have worked as a child minder and a nursery nurse, and have a DS on the autistic spectrum. From a parent point of view I would be mentioning this at interview stage as I would want to hire someone positive and proactive who was willing to learn about my son as an individual and work with me as a team, mentioning challenging behaviour or SENs tends to thin the herd.

I did child mind an older child with challenging behaviour who was very likely on the spectrum and had a lot of challenging behaviour. All I was told to start with was he "could be a bit sulky", he was violent, moody, aggressive, etc - I was his 13th child minder! (I found this out 6 months in). I was determined to not fail him and he really came out of his shell. He needed a lot of patience, attention and thinking outside of the box!!

OP I can understand your frustration that you came into this situation blind, but I hope you will consider staying - this will depend though on how the parents handle their home situation e.g how do they handle meltdowns, violence, etc.

OP needs support from the family to work through the issues, this requires communication. Something the parents seem to have difficulty with.

Happychappy I agree with you entirely. The original poster did not say that she was thinking of leaving because she had not been told that the child had difficulties (she said that she had been told this). She said that she was thinking of leaving because the parents had not mentioned autism.

Hi ASparent
The mother mentioned the boy was difficult sometimes to her, in that he answered back. She did not mention special needs. Which what ever you call his behaviour he has needs different to an average child that age. The violent outbursts towards his siblings that he doesn't seem to be able to control, his need to have some things done in the exact same way. These are special needs. I have been honest with her. I am aware from a safeguarding point of view I am in a vulnerable position, he is almost as tall as me. I can not physically stop his behaviour. She employed me under false pretences by not giving me whole picture and omitting her sons needs. I am annoyed that she treated her child this way, and I told her that. I have told her I will let her know in a month re the job. If I can not do the best for all the children I think I should leave. I would give one months notice. I have been 100 percent honest with her. A friend of mine runs a nursery and has already offered me a job there should I want it, when someone's on mat leave. I have told the mother this.

Just that's what I've understood from your post not as Asparent thought. I think Just you have been more than fair and the mother should be ashamed of herself. In the job I'm currently I found the oldest child child was asthmatic because when I was cleaning his room up I found the inhalers. I was really cross about it. I have never and will never understand why some parents don't see how important it is to be honest with the people they entrust their children, for their children's safety.

maybe some parents dont want to believe that their child has special needs - hence not mentioning it but by mentioning can be difficult is a way of expressing her views?

this is what the mum is like that im working for at the moment-as i said the little boy im looking after is being accessed but mum says he is fine and wants to send him to a private school in my area which is well known for its pushiness and tbh this boy wont manage to keep up there :(

I had an interview where the patents talked vaguely about tantrums and pushing boundaries. Turned out that little boy had problems too, which were being investigated, but the parents didn't want him labelled.

Yes, I was angry. I felt like they hadn't been honest, I felt they didn't tell me the while truth about why previous nannies left and I considered quitting.

I didn't because the parents were receptive to my suggestions and after the first couple of months things calmed down a lot and I sometimes forgot that he could be very challenging for other people. So it may not be that the mother intentionally mislead you, OP. He doesn't have a diagnosis and for her it's not necessarily a problem, she just hasn't communicated well. It depends whether you feel you can work with that.