New au pair... it's not going great

[EleriG]

Our new AP arrived two weeks ago and it doesn't seem to be going very well. I thought initially it was me (been suffering from concussion since she arrived so not at my best) but now my youngest has said he hates her and wants her to leave.
I find her incredibly irritating - where ever I go in the house she follows me and talks non stop... last night after having spent 3 hours at the hospital getting a CT scan she started on at me before I had even got my coat off... mostly about me writing a cheque for her english course which I am really annoyed about. During her interview this was discussed and left as she would pay for it... the other night I went to bed early and she persuaded DP that we would pay for it which I feel is sneaky so now don't trust her.
That aside, she left the youngest (6) alone in house because he didn't want to go for a walk - she thought this would be ok as she left him her mobile number ??? and seemed surprised I said this was unacceptable. She makes no effort to do things he likes because she wants to do girlie things with my daughter. All this very worrying given she is a qualified teacher.
Tonight I have had my son sobbing which was then followed by AP sobbing. I know the adjustment can take time but previously have loved the APs and enjoyed their company. How long should I give it as I am worried my judgement is off due to bump to the head :-)

Have you actually checked she is a qualified teacher? Cos that sounds ridiculous her leaving him.

Your issue is with your partner about the fees, perhaps they shouldn't have been persuaded

Tell her you're not up to talking firmly and say you will discuss it with her another time.

Sympathies, Id get really pissed off with someone following me round the house.

How long has she been over? Sounds like might not work out and her judgment (and interpersonal skills!) questionable, may be best to look at other options sharpish!

Sorry, you said two weeks. I vote for ending the arrangement.

She left a 6 year old home alone? Immediate dismissal, obviously. I can't believe you need to ask tbh.

I agree with Laurie about the fees, if your DP is an adult and not mentally impaired then you can't blame her because he went against what you'd said.

Leaving six year old alone with just a number FFS would have made me terminate the arrangement with immediate effect. Don't care if she sobs her little heart out that is beyond the pale.

Dismiss her. If she does not understand that she cant leave a 6 year old home a lone, then she should not be an au pair.

Completely agree. And apart for leaving the 6 year old alone which I would be furious about, in my experience of au pairs, you can normally tell within a couple of hours if it's going to work out.

It would have all been over if she had left my child alone. Even if she was the bees knees in all other areas. You can't trust her judgement.

Trust your gut and get rid of her.

Hope your head injury gets better soon.

Definately kick her out now. She thought it was ok to leave a 6 year old alone

Thanks everyone.... Time to look for new AP.

I would politely tell har that you have given it some thought overnight and its not working out. If everyone is crying she is just not a good fit for your family and it probably wont get any better.

FWIW, my male au pair is just leaving us. I had misgivings about him from the start as he hardly ever spoke to our teenage children, and he is now leaving us at the end of the month because I wont let his GF move in here too! I am relieved, as I know I should have sent him on his way a while back, but I didnt as he mostly does his job OK.

You will feel instantly better once she has gone

she sounds a pain and i would say get rid.
on the other hand - did you tell her that it is not acceptable to leave children alone in the uk? please remember that british people can be A LOT more protective of their children and have different views on what children are allowed to do by themselves, which obviously leads to children having different ability to cope with situations.

Leaving a 6 yo alone in the house with just a mobile number is a complete deal-breaker. Astonishing lack of judgement, wherever she comes from. I would fire her for that alone even if we got on like a house on fire. But you're not getting on with her either, she sounds like tremendously hard work. I have a great agent so DM me if you are in the London area and want a steer.

Hope the head's okay and good luck!

Which country is she from? As another poster mentioned, in some countries it is much more acceptable to leave a six year old with access to a contact number. Clearly, in the UK it is not.

I would have a chat with her about how it is going so far. Start off by asking her how she feels it is going, then raise your concerns, give her a chance to respond and set out some clear rules going forward.

Leaving a 6yr alone is a no go and instant dismissal IMO

Why did your dh agree to fees being paid??

AP is from Holland and as a western european I didn't think her understanding of children and what is appropriate would be so far off the mark. Now that my head is starting to feel less fuzzy I see there is no way I can possibly trust her judgement in the future.

As for DH - he is a firm believer in the childcare fairy and as such takes no interest/ part in arrangements; hence he hadn't paid attention to the agreement. When asked if we would pay for it because she didn't have the money he was trying not to trouble me with it due to the sore head, felt sorry for her and agreed. DH is feeling very foolish and has promised to pay more attention in future.

Anyway - it is time to bite the bullet. Lets hope the next one is better. Last one was great so I remain optimistic :-)

Thanks again to everyone - it's nice to have the support these times.

northlondonmum, why would it be a lack of judgement, if she came from environment, where leaving six year old at home for an hour is teh norm?
/cant say obv what is the norm where she comes from, but for example in germany it is also acceptable, at least where i worked/

Hi
Not only was your child put at risk of fire, burglars etc. you could also have had someone report you (although it's not your fault) to social services for the unsupervised 6 year old issue! Yes, you would have had a defence etc. but you could have been put in a very tricky position. I say immediate dismissal - just because other countries have different norms isn't good enough. They should have researched the norms and standards in the UK. You could have ended up in a lot of trouble.

Anyway, my new aupair is very nice and polite (to me and husband) but doesn't seem to get on with the children - the main reason why I took her on. Further, my sweet eldest daughter (4yrs) has taken a mysterious dislike to her, hiding whenever she is the room, telling me that she is scared of her, even telling her to go home. All the kids loved all 4 previous aupairs instantly and it has worked well for all, but this one seems to have hit the wrong note. I've had a word with aupair and she has asked me how things could improve (her housework has improved considerably - although she failed to notice the toddler put on the grill and that the oven started to smell of burning etc) but the eldest child issue concerns me. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable in her own home. BTW, the eldest isn't spoilt etc. she's a gentle girl. On the basis of DD1's issues with her am I being unreasonable by telling aupair that is isn't working and that she should return back home?

EleriG Fri 14-Sep-12 15:47:02
"AP is from Holland and as a western european I didn't think her understanding of children and what is appropriate would be so far off the mark."

Actually it might: I am Scandinavian and tbh my understanding of what is appropriate for children differs quite distinctly from what is considered the norm in the UK. I've had to re-learn a whole new way of looking at things.

I don't think that lets her off the hook though: she has undertaken to work in the UK and it is those norms she has to meet. I have always been very careful to stick to local norms when looking after other people's children. She should have asked. But in future it might be a good idea to be very clear about instructions to au-pairs.

"As for DH - he is a firm believer in the childcare fairy"

Oooh, maybe if we all truly believe and clap our hands she'll appear!

Better luck with the next one

@caterpilarr Not sure where you worked in Germany, but I've had German au pairs who would never leave a 6yo charge on their own. I guess I believe in the Universality of Common Sense: "...am I in a foreign country?" Check. "Would the parents be okay with this?" Dunno. Therefore better a) ask or b) not do it. Not difficult!! But to cory's point, spell everything out. As I've found out recently assumptions lead to misunderstandings at best, hairy situations at worst.

To be fair, Swedish childminders wouldn't leave somebody else's 6yo alone either. But Swedish parents might well leave their own children: I know my db did a few years' ago and nobody was particularly shocked. Perhaps she fails to see the difference between (what is to her) normal family behaviour and the standards expected of a professional.

@Cambgirl - I've only just noticed the second bit of your post so here's my 2.5p worth..

I care deeply about how my kids react and respond to our au pairs. Infact, I place their general demeanour around and about them higher than I do my judgements about the mundane stuff such as chores. I have very level headed kids who are a bit older than yours, but I trust their instincts and their straight- talking. Honest reactions are the preserve of young kids who haven't learned to 'mask' them for complex social reasons yet, so we ignore them at our peril. Your children have to spend the time with the au pairs you get to appoint, so their take on them counts.

I am 46 now, but had a string of au pairs in my life from the age of about 5 to 12. The great ones I remember with a huge amount of affection, the few I didn't like felt ghastly out of all proportion at that age. Go with your instinct.