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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

My last day of employment was a nightmare

57 replies

bettina46 · 27/07/2012 13:10

Hi, I feel devastated. I didn't get a reference. What did I do wrong?
Yesterday was my last day of my employment as a nanny. I arrived with thank you cards, a bottle of wine and a big box of chololates for the parents and a present for the little one. It was something very special for him and I will never forget how happy he was when he opened it. When I came up with those things the lady was lying on the floor playing with her son and didn't bother to stand up. Her husband collected those things from me. She said thank you but looked offended and went upstairs to have a shower. Later on she gave me a card sighed by her husband and herself, another card sighed by her son and a photo of the child in a frame and and left for work without saying goodbye. Both parents came back home exactly at the time I was supposed to finish work, said thank you for organising another exciting day for their child, the boy said "You won't come again?" And his mummy said : "She won't come again unless to say hello". I felt really miserable when I heard that, I gave them their keys back and left. I know she is not happy with me at my leaving but I didn't expect her to behave like that.

I was their nanny for 2 years and started looking after the child when he was a little baby. They liked me because although I'm not a native speaker I've got a uni degree and I was a teacher back in my country.
I loved reading books with my liitle charge, doing arts and crafts, attended groups and classes, went on regular trips often with other nannies and their charges, organised plenty of play-dates, cooked lunches from fresh ingredients only and did everything else I was asked for but first of all I loved the child with all my heart and gave him as much attention as I could. The child was not allowed to watch TV - he didn't, was not allowed to have sweeets or biscuits - he didn't, had to have his afternoon nap in his cot - he did. I obeyed all the rules and did not do anything against parents' wish.
In the first year I felt that I had a very good relationship with the parents but that changed in the autumn last year when I was told that I had to work back 8 days. I worked 4 days a week, Monday to Thursday and had 16 days paid holiday + Bank Holidays (I chose 2 weeks they chose the rest). My employers had obviously more days off from their work and last year they went away for 6 weeks (24 of my working days). After that they asked me to work 8 Fridays for free to make up those days they were on holidays. I thought it was not fair but I worked those 8 days. And I often worked on Friday and got another day off at a very short notice. Meanwhile my finacial situation got worse (my husband didn't have a job for a while) and I told my employers that I would be more than happy to work also on Fridays or do some babysitting to earn more money. As they could not offer me more work I started doing babysitting for other people. My employers were not happy about this and were not as nice to me as they were before. I found a permament babysiting for every Friday and could not do ad hoc Friday work for my 4-day family. At the beginning of this year I was offered a full time job from the new family and I accepted. I've got two children at school age on my own, huge bills to pay and I really needed full-time job and more money. I gave 3-month notice and gave them contact details to 2 friends of mine who would take up the job after I leave. My employers decided not to employ another nanny but to work from home from September as the boy will start nursery then. I don't understand why they didn't give me references.
I would appreciate your comments.

OP posts:
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vintagewhine · 27/07/2012 13:12

Did you ask for one?

HalloweenDuck · 27/07/2012 13:15

Sorry to hear you are upset.
But to be blunt, did you ask for a reference or even talk about it at all? if you were already heading to another job maybe they just didnt think you would want/ need it.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 13:20

tbh I've never, ever known a family to hand over a reference on the day you leave! It's not normally needed until you're applying for a another job. Just get in touch and ask them to send you one when they get time. Most employers will want to speak to the family anyway, so the main reference will be over the phone.

pinkdelight · 27/07/2012 13:30

Also sorry you're upset. But reading it objectively, it doesn't sound like a nightmare. They gave you cards and a present and what they said showed they were happy for you to come back and see your charge on a friendly basis. These transitions can be really sad and they may have been restraining their emotions or not wanting to make a big deal and risk upsetting their child. They probably assumed that you didn't need a reference as you had got another job (presumably) without one, but if you ask, there seems no reason why they wouldn't oblige. But reference issue aside, it all seems pretty normal to me. Okay they weren't lovely about it, but they were employers, not friends. Course they were nicer when everything was going well, but as you illustrate, it all comes down to money ultimately and your needs didn't match theirs. Can't expect them to be thrilled about it.

savoycabbage · 27/07/2012 13:35

It sounds like you did a terrific job. Even if you asked for a reference they wouldn't necessarily gave it ready on the last day. Often people wouldn't do one until they were asked by somebody else, the person you were getting a job from.

Can you not work as a teacher in the uk?

BobbiFleckman · 27/07/2012 13:41

is it the first time they have had a nanny? maybe they're a little freaked out by the situation and how it's goign to affect their child, and in focussing on that they are leaving you out of the picture. I say this from experience... I had no idea how to handle our nanny leaving after two years - was so worried about how my children would cope.
We didn't have a reference ready to hand over on the last day either and wrote one shortly after and posted it - and it was of course a good one. Oddly enough I think a short distance from her made us properly sit and reflect what it should say and how good she'd been.
Being a nanny in someone's home is very different from a normal employment situation, and it's hard not to take things personally on both sides.
Even though you have a new job, you do need a written reference from them and you need to drop them a note asking for it in a couple of days' time.
for what it's worth, we now see our old nanny and she has the children over to play at the weekend and it's all very happy (would be nicer if she was still current nanny but hey)

lambethlil · 27/07/2012 13:47

Please don't be upset about them not giving a reference. You mention English not being your first language- were you expecting them to give a you an envelope there and then? IME that's not how it's done here. If and when you need a reference, you contact them and ask if you can uses them as a referee. They are then contacted directly by your new employer.

As for the card/ gift and leaving-it sounds as if they were just a little preoccupied about you going.

ZuleikaD · 27/07/2012 15:40

I agree - you need to ask for a reference if you want one. One wouldn't normally just be handed to you when you leave, it's not because they didn't think you did a good job.

Ebb · 27/07/2012 17:40

The OP did ask for a reference. Smile

Op, give it a few days and then phone her and politely ask for a written reference to be able to forward to agencies etc for future jobs. She's obviously pissed off at you leaving but you've been more than fair with your notice / finding other nannies and she's not being fair withholding a reference. Hopefully she'll be reasonable. Smile

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 18:02

tbh i wouldnt say your last day was a nightmare - they gave you a card/photo, said you would be welcome to pop by and said thank you for your help

thats about normal - obv some parents are more demonstrative in saying goodbye

usually a ref is given when you hand notice in - cant beleive its been 3 mths and you still dont have one- maybe ring/send a text and ask for one to keep in your portfolio

next time in your contract make sure you have something along the lines saying if the employers take off more time then the 2 weeks agreed that you have time off/paid in full/dont need to make time up

also if a 4 day job to make sure days are fixed

eastnorth · 27/07/2012 18:19

Sounds like there could be more than meets the eye with this. They gave you a present did you expect something better? I am not sure I would want my nanny loving my child with all her heart that's the mums job not the nannies just ask for a reference. If my nanny left I would also keep it low key so I didn't upset my son.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 18:22

eastnorth surely the more people that a child is loved by, the better?

What about other family members? Ths child's father? Is he allowed to 'love the child with all his heart?' or is it strictly, only mothers?

Confused
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 18:28

kinda agree with eastnorth - what the op said did sound a tad ott with the way she cared/loved for her charge

obv any mum would hope that their nanny would love and care for their child but saying but first of all I loved the child with all my heart and gave him as much attention as I could does sound a tad 'the hand that rocks the cradle' sorry

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 18:35

I don't think the OP's first language is English, I just read it as slightly odd phrasing, I think when read in context it's clear what she meant.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2012 18:42

I loved reading books with my liitle charge, doing arts and crafts, attended groups and classes, went on regular trips often with other nannies and their charges, organised plenty of play-dates, cooked lunches from fresh ingredients only and did everything else I was asked for but first of all I loved the child with all my heart and gave him as much attention as I could. The child was not allowed to watch TV - he didn't, was not allowed to have sweeets or biscuits - he didn't, had to have his afternoon nap in his cot - he did. I obeyed all the rules and did not do anything against parents' wish

everything the op did sounds like normal nanny duties, ie fresh healthy food/playing with child/nap time etc

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 18:44

exactly! Hardly 'the hand that rocks the cradle' is it?

eastnorth · 27/07/2012 19:32

Sorry she's listed what my nanny does surely she is just doing her job?

I would not want my nanny loving my child with all her heart. I am sure she is fond of him. Yes it's fine if my mum and dad and his father love him with all their heart. But a nanny should not they could leave tomorrow for all I know.

I think her English reads fine.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 19:58

'sorry she's listed what my nanny does surely she is just doing her job?'

That is exactly my point! She's not doing anything that would suggest there is any sort of problem/weird relationship/'more than meets the eye' or 'hand that rocks the cradle' type behaviour!

I'm not criticizing her English btw, just things like ' I gave 3-month notice and gave them contact details to 2 friends of mine who would take up the job after I leave' sounded slightly unusual phrasing and made me think English might be her second language.

Bluebell99 · 27/07/2012 20:07

The op says she isn't a native speaker and she gave them a gift, the family only gave her a card and a photo! Surely it's good that the nanny was very fond of the child?!

eastnorth · 27/07/2012 20:09

I think the hand that rocks the cradle bit is where she says I loved the child with all my heart. IMO that us well over the top. Also the bit that says she will never forget how happy he was when he opened it. If my nanny said that alarm bells would be ringing.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 20:15

I really, honestly can't see the problem! I'll have to respectfully disagree with eastnorth and blonds that loving the child you care for is indicative of being a vengeful psychopath.

Bluebell99 · 27/07/2012 20:21

My friend who is from Spain says that the English tend to be more reserved and introverted. /she says I am not typical of an English person and means that as a compliment Grin. I used to work as a house mother in a boarding school for children with emotional and behavioural difficulties and I still have loads of memories of happy times with those children, and remember being in tears with pride when they did a school play, even though it was over 15 years ago! I think you deserve a reference. Sounds like some people here seem jealous that you were so fond off him?!

eastnorth · 27/07/2012 20:25

I suppose she can't really love the child with all her heart as she would not be leaving. Think we are only hearing one side of the story blinds did only say a tad I will respectfully agree with your blondes:)

Redglow · 27/07/2012 20:40

I think the op should remember she is only the nanny. I love the children I nanny for like I would a friends child . I only love my own children with all my heart. (well most of the time).

I think the present was fine especially as they sort of fell out. The whole post is a bit strange to be honest. Why would they not come back on time .?

Maybe for some reason they don't want to give a reference.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 27/07/2012 20:44

'Why would they not come back on time .?'

Redglow I think she was expecting them back a little early as it was her last day, so that they had a bit of time to say goodbye/thanks etc. Obviously she could have stayed a bit later to facilitate that, but getting back 15mins early would have been a nice gesture on their part.

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