AIBU about this small issue with my CM?

[PetiteRaleuse]

I have a pretty good CM - we get on well and DD obviously adores her. Her DH works nights, so is often at home during the day, and obviously needs to sleep during the day. I understand that it is their home, but it is also a place of work.

Downstairs is the open plan kitchen / dingin and living area. The children play in the living area most of the time. Bedrooms are upstairs.

On three occasions in six months I have come to pick up DD and the CM's DH is asleep on the living room sofa in front of the TV. Right where the kids play. I don't actually mind the Tv being on - it is their house after all and DD pretty much ignores it (and TBH I don't mind if she watches TV).

What bothers me is that when CM's DH is asleep on the sofa the children have to be quiet. When I was picking up DD the other day I overheard another kid being told off for disturbing the sleeping bloke. On Tuesday CM texted me before I arrived to tell me not to ring the doorbell as her DH was sleeping on the sofa.

And other time she told me that her DH had got annoyed with DD as she was noisy when he was trying to sleep.

In the scheme of things it is no big deal. But AIBU to think that if I needed to sleep during the day I wouldn't choose to sleep in the play area of the children whose parents pay your wife to mind?

AIBU to think that my child should be able to make free use of the play area?

And should I say something? I don't want to cause issues as apart from this everything is OK. But I am starting to think it is quite a common occurence and I don't feel comfortable with it. Yes it is their home, but it is also a place of work.

WWYD?

I don't think this is a small issue at all and I would be looking for a new childminder. If your childminder is not able to accommodate her mindees because of her husband then she shouldn't be childminding. I think it's even worse that she considers this acceptable behaviour.

Oh yanbu at all. I'd actually be pretty pissed off. You're paying for a home from home childcare environment yes but it is, nonetheless, a childcare environment. Your child should be able to play and have fun.

Also I'd be pretty miffed about the childminder telling your her husband got annoyed at your dd - what's that supposed to mean?? I don't know how you'd broach the subject but I'd suggest you do.

I as a childminder with a DH who also works nights would not have him sleeping on the sofa and if he did doze off I certainly wouldn't be keeping the children quiet for him. If he wants to sleep go to bed!
As for speaking to her Im unsure how you could approach it. I personally would feel embarrassed if someone spoke to me about this issue but thats probably because I dont think he should sleep there. Could you maybe just in conversation say 'oh I dont know how you sleep in this noise, if it was me I'd have to be in bed' not direct I know but not sure how I would approach it

This is really not on even if it was my husband asleep on the sofa and he was moaning about my dc I would tell him to go upstairs.

She is doing this as a business and should be minding your dc and not being told to be quiet.

Having said all that don't know how I would go about saying anything if you are happy with her. I would have also rang the doorbell.

That is utterly ridiculous! This is her workplace and you are paying her to look after you child - not ensure her husband gets enough sleep! Why on earth would he want to sleep on the sofa anyway?

I wouldn't be happy with this.

My kids have been to 2 different lovely CMs and I can't imagine any of them doing this. The children should be able to play.

I would say to the CM that your DD has said some slightly odd things about what happens when her DH is home and about not being able to play, and that you'd like her to clarify what happens.

Unfortunately I suspect it says something about the underlying attitudes of the CM and her DH, which are unlikely to change. Is it a case that her DH doesn't see this as a 'proper job'?

As others have said, this is not a small issue and YANBU. I would look for a new CM and tell her why when you give notice.

I agree if you do decide to give notice you need to be honest and tell her exactly why

Yanbu.. it sounds like a very odd set up to me. Totally agree with both posts above.

My CM is also an incredibly good friend as is her DH, however, we have a 'professional' relationship when it comes to the childcare she provides for our DD and I would be very peeved if I went to pick up DD and her DH was snoozing on the sofa. Her DH does come home from work at various times however, make's himself scarce and gets on with his work etc from an 'office' upstairs, there is no way he would be sleeping on the sofa.. surely that's what bedrooms are for ?!

Could you try and approach it in a sort of 'jokey' way ? sort of a 'goodness me X must be sooo tired can he can't get himself upstairs' ? or 'goodness how does X get any sleep with all the children playing- I'd be upstairs if I were him?' Sort of drop some hints that you've noticed it ?

How old is your DD ? can she tell you how often he is on the sofa ?

Yanbu she's being very unprofessional. Id have a word and say that you're not happy that her husband is getting annoyed with the children she is paid to look after and if it carries on you'll look for another cm. He should sleep upstairs.

I am so glad you don't think I am being unreasonable. When I told my mum she told me I was over-reacting and being hormonal (am pregnant).

Thing is I really want to avoid conflict for several reasons. Good CMs are really hard to come by in this area (am in France BTW) and creche places nigh on impossible. And I do trust her to look after DD well - have heard some horror stories about other CMs even in this village.

Secondly, her DH is my landlord's brother - so causing conflict won't help us as tenants...

They are nice people, but I really have to find a way of getting my point across without causing trouble.

DD will stay with her until end of the year - DD2 will arrive early November and then next year I will be a SAHM.

I agree and don't think this is a small issue. Your childminder is not being reasonable at all. I bet she doesn't have her husband sleeping on the sofa in the play area when the annual inspection comes. Shi is totally and absolutely out of order. And if she is capable of making such an error of judgement in thinking this is OK then I'd be wondering what her judgement is like on other issues.

DD is 15 months and doesn't talk yet unfortunately. I'm really bad at handling conflict in French - if I were in the UK I would have managed to say something very diplomatically. What would be great is if my DH could have a word, but on the occasions he has picked her up in the evening there has been nothing to say (typical).

I am not sure how she would handle the situation if I did bring it up - I get the impression that he isn't a great husband, and she might not have much say in anything. I don't want to cause her problems.

I don't think you are going to 'fix' this.
You can't stop her from being the sort of CM that thinks that this is ok. And you definitely can't stop her OH from being an inconsiderate arse who thinks that his needs are more important than his wife's business or your DD.

You need to decide whether you are ok with the current situation, or start looking elsewhere.

I don't see this as a small problem. Her husband is using the children's living space as his bedroom and is expecting everyone to adjust their behaviour to accommodate his choice. I suspect the childminder thinks it's okay to which is why it's happening.

Personally, I wouldn't want my child to go to a childminder for this to happen. I know that a cm offers more or a home from home experience but I wouldn't let my dh do this in my own home and so I certainly wouldn't pay for the experience.

Thanks everyone. It's good to get an outside opinion, and to know I'm not making a fuss over nothing.

I need to have a think about what to do, and whether to disrupt DD's day to day life by taking her out before planned.

Haven't read all of the replies but just wanted to add another 'YANBU' and to say that this is not a small issue at all, I'm really shocked actually. My DH was out of work for the best part of 2 years (until a few months ago) and he didn't want to get in the way (let alone sleep downstairs!) so kept himself in our bedroom all day, just popping down to grab a drink/lunch. I don't feel that the DHs need to go as far as that but he just most definitely sleep upstairs!! I wouldn't be hushing my own kids if DH fell asleep downstairs, let alone mindees! The children ARE told to be respectful of mindees napping upstairs by having their 'indoor voices' but they are still allowed to play and talk etc!

It's a difficult one but I certainly think this isn't on!!

There is one full time little girl and a part time little boy and I don't know the parents at all as we have different pick up / drop off times.

Maybe next time I will tell her outright that if he doesn't want to be disturbed he should just go and sleep in his own bed.

Last week I turned up and DD had a pacifier in her mouth. I am not against pacifiers on the whole but CM knows that I only give DD a pacifier when she is going down for a nap / the night. During waking hours I want DD to be able to chatter and gabble as much as possible - she is learning two languages at once and I can imagine this makes language learning and speech more challenging than if she were just learning one IYSWIM. It was the first time I had arrived and she had a pacifier and I wasn't going to say anything (maybe she'd just woken up, or was having a bad day - I do trust the CM to follow instructions and don't actually like to interfere) but I must have gioven her a look as the CM explained why she had the pacifier.

And the reason was that her DH had been on the (cordless) phone and DD had been babbling away next to him and interupting the conversation. She loves speaking on the phone even though she can't say anything anyone understands.

So HE chose to plug her up with a pacifier.

I was so surprised when she told me this I didn't react other than to say "yes well she likes chatting on the phone". I was really annoyed with myself afterwards for not saying anything.

YANBU. I make my husband go away upstairs or creep about like a mouse if there are children asleep on our sofa!

Yanbu, my dh sometimes works from home but mindees can make as much reasonable noise as they bloody well like..

On my setting mindees needs came first. He should sleep upstairs anyway and if he can't with the noise she needs to choose another career..

Totally unacceptable to act like this to mindees, wouldn't dream of it myself..

Omg sorry he plugged a dummy in her mouth, bloody hell, move your dd I would be raging if that was my dd. my dh wouldn't dream of doing such to mindees, he spoilt them tbh as did my Dcs...

This isn't ok. Even at home, if dh wants to sleep during the day then he chooses whether to sleep on the sofa through normal child noise, or go to bed and shut the door.
Makes it sound like he does it a lot, he doesn't, just a couple of times recently when he's been run down.

I don't know if I can find any better though - especially just for a few months (she will be stopping in December)

I suppose it's a straight choice for you, it's a deal breaker or not..

Of course the land lord thing makes it complicated.