AIBU about this small issue with my CM?

[PetiteRaleuse]

I have a pretty good CM - we get on well and DD obviously adores her. Her DH works nights, so is often at home during the day, and obviously needs to sleep during the day. I understand that it is their home, but it is also a place of work.

Downstairs is the open plan kitchen / dingin and living area. The children play in the living area most of the time. Bedrooms are upstairs.

On three occasions in six months I have come to pick up DD and the CM's DH is asleep on the living room sofa in front of the TV. Right where the kids play. I don't actually mind the Tv being on - it is their house after all and DD pretty much ignores it (and TBH I don't mind if she watches TV).

What bothers me is that when CM's DH is asleep on the sofa the children have to be quiet. When I was picking up DD the other day I overheard another kid being told off for disturbing the sleeping bloke. On Tuesday CM texted me before I arrived to tell me not to ring the doorbell as her DH was sleeping on the sofa.

And other time she told me that her DH had got annoyed with DD as she was noisy when he was trying to sleep.

In the scheme of things it is no big deal. But AIBU to think that if I needed to sleep during the day I wouldn't choose to sleep in the play area of the children whose parents pay your wife to mind?

AIBU to think that my child should be able to make free use of the play area?

And should I say something? I don't want to cause issues as apart from this everything is OK. But I am starting to think it is quite a common occurence and I don't feel comfortable with it. Yes it is their home, but it is also a place of work.

WWYD?

YANBU. I suggest he goes to sleep in a bed upstairs if he wants to sleep

YANBU but it's a question of whether you can stick it for another six months. It's a tricky situation and I can see why you don't want to rock the boat. If it was me as the parent (client) I'd be pissed off, and it's not something I'd ever do as a CM but as I say, it's a question of whether you disrupt DD who is otherwise happy.

I wouldn't leave your DD in that environment for further 5 months. Poor little girl!

I wouldn't leave your DD in that environment for further 5 months. Poor little girl!

I agree

I don't think it's that simple. It's in France, for a start, where the expectations on childminders are completely different, and there aren't other childminders locally with vacancies.

You know, I wouldn't make waves over this. It doesn't sound as though it's really bothering your little girl and she seems happy at this CM's. At least you know she is a decent person and looks after the children well. There's a lot to be said for that. I'd go along with it.

No, it isn't that simple. She is the only childminder in the immediate area who has a good reputation. Places with the good ones are like dust, and there aren't many who would take her on for such a short period.

Others in the village behave far worse.

DD doesn't seem bothered by the issue at all - I am. When she is dropped off in the morning she is happy, and smiling, leans over to leap (almost) into the CM's arms and gives her lots of kisses (according to my DH who drops her off).

When I pick her up in the evening she shows every sign of being happy, content; she eats well during the day, sleeps well at night, and shows no sign of distress at going where she does.

The thing with her DH annoys me - and I do want to deal with it somehow as I feel CM or at least her DH is taking the piss - but there is no way DD can be referred to as a 'poor little girl'.

I just need to find a way, diplomatically, of putting my foot down. I don't believe it is worth disrupting DD for just a few months as she is very settled there.

jangly cross post there. I agree, but I'm still annoyed - I think it's sloppy, and shows disrespect for paying clients.

I agree with you! But so long as your little girl is ok with it, is it worth upsetting the applecart for her?

If it upsets her then that is a different matter. You would need to have a word then. (sorry it would have to in French!)

be in French. Sorry.

I think i should say something, but nicely, pointing out that he could sleep elsewhere and everyone would be happy.

In my OP i do say i think it is a relatively small issue.

Yes. She probably just hasn't thought about it.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Thanks :)

You definitely must say something - i would start by saying how happy you are with her and how much your LO adores her & that you hope she doesn't mind you mentioning a minor issue ie the children having to creep around her husband while he's either asleep/on the phone/watching TV. I wouldnt bother asking him to move elsewhere but just make your point & leave it for her to deal with.

My dh also works nights and he sometimes dozes off on sofa when he somes home. But that is his choice and we don't make any concessions to him and kids will even climb on him and blow recorders next to him. He can be pretty grumpy and I do have an issue that he doesn't see my childminding as 'working' at times and he can expect me to drop everything to suit him. The only concession we make is to put away one set of toys - the balti dishes and metal trays which the kids love to crash on the floor and that particulaer noise will penetrate his ear plugs he wears to bed.

I feel for you if your cm cant see your point of view, she is possibly battling a husband who isn't supporting her career choice. There could be other demands that he is making, that you don't see.

OP. I would definitely have to say something to te Childminder. You (and other parents) are paying her to look after your child. Perhaps if he husband doesn't uppity her childminding then it's not the right career for her, given that he is at home when the mindees are there.

Maggi- So you're a Childminder and your DH sleeps on the sofa whilst the mindees are there? As a parent I would be extremely annoyed by this. Surely your work area's where the children's toys are kept and where the children "live" and play shouldn't be wherebyour DH sleeps? Why doesn't he go upstairs to your bedroom for a snooze?

I don't think it's particularly dreadful that Maggi's DH sometimes dozes off on the sofa while there are mindees there. After all, childminding is supposed to be a domestic affair, it's not a nursery. Ten minutes kip isn't a shameful activity.

I do think there's a bit of a lack of tolerance on this thread for what the childminding norm in another country might be. It's entirely possible that all French childminders put the interests of their DH's over the interests of their mindees - the French have quite a different attitude to children than us, not nearly so child-centred. To be honest I don't think it's fair to expect to export your own expectations about how things should be done if that's simply not the norm in another country, and the OP did say she thought it was a small issue.

I agree zuleika. That said my French DH and a couple of friends I have chatted with agree it's not professional. Not worth sacking her over though.

Hi - I think you might help your CM if you said something. It seems that her husband is not showing much respect to her workplace and not supporting her job which is to look after the children - he is clearly placing higher priority on his need to sleep because of his job. He probably needs to have a comment that you are not happy with the situation to make this clear to him.

In terms of how you approach it, in your shoes I would place it on the expectations you have from high quality childcare in England, where this would not be acceptable. But I'm sure you will make it clear that you are very happy with your CM in all other respects. Bon chance!

PetiteRaleuse I sympathise with your problem, and I do think it is totally unacceptable and very unprofessional, but just a small point, if she is your childminder and you take your child to her home, you cannot "sack" her.

She will be self employed and provides a service for a fee, that you have a contract for, and you can give notice according to the terms of your contract. Oh, I have just seen that you are in France, so it may be different there, but I would seriously look for a new c/m ( I am one) this is wrong and is impinging on the wellbeing and emotional care of the children.

Oh btw petiteraleuse, I couldn't disagree more with the other posters who say it's a reason to change CM. This kind of attitude - which I'd summarise as "simpler to abandon the whole situation rather than have a difficult conversation" is surely the cause of much unneccessary upheaval for children who get so attached to their carers. If you say you are happy with all other aspects of the care then you should choose to

(a) ignore / wait until December
(b) have difficult conversation
(c) seek alternative care arrangements

I would prefer (b) then (a) and (c) would be last.

YANBU at all

next time you pick up amd he is sleeping there, just say, 'why are ypu sleeping on the sofa?'

if they dont get the hint, then say, 'if it's ok with you, would you mind not sleeping there when my child is here, playing?'

if they insist, then remind them you are paying money, not for your kid to have to try and be quiet because he is sleeping in the wrong place.

i dont like the idea of a sleeping stranger around a room full of kids. just weird.

Thanks to all for your input on this :) i'm going to have a wird next time it comes up.

Dear PetiteRaleuse

It sounds like she's being completely unprofessional, and as a parent and as a childminder myself I can see only your side of the story. Having said that I broached the subject of something trivial with my childminder and she went ballistic and it caused me a few issues. My son was happy and he didn't have much longer to stay with her, so I deeply regret my action. Not because I was in the wrong, but it just wasn't worth the agro.

The woman knows her husband should sleep in his bed. That's common sense. If I was you, I wouldnt mention it at all. You say your daughter is happy, personally I would let it slide.

Goodluck and goodluck with new baby :)