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Original poster

Feeling second best to nanny's other job!

66 replies

knackeredmother · 19/04/2012 10:15

I have posted on here many times about my nanny woes and I know our nanny probably isn't the best fit for us but she does a good enough job and we are just too stressed and tired to rehire!
So, she has worked for us for a year and a half. She works 2 days a week. She did work 3 days but about 3 months ago said shed found another job for 2 days a week and wanted to drop a day with us. It was difficult but we worked around it.
I really do feel we are considerate employers, for example her mum died recently and we gave her the whole time she was off (2 weeks) paid whereas the other family made her take unpaid leave. Similarly when her MIL died I far her a week paid leave.
The issue comes that she clearly sees the other family as 'more important'. For example her son was poorly recently and she called in sick for our working days (which we paid) but openly said she wouldn't miss work for the other family and arranged alternative care for him!
The main issue I could do with advice ( if you've got this far) is regarding her OFSTED registration. Both families need it and we each have agreed to fund half the costs. Her first aid course is due for renewal (it is a 2 day course) and she has basically said she wants to do this course during our working days. She refuses to ask the other family if they will give her paid time off to do it.
I realize she must do this in work time ( although I would be interested to hear if all nannies do this in work time especially as it was a requirement of the job that the nanny is OFSTED registered) but am a bit annoyed she automatically expects us to cover the days not the other family.
There are no courses when she could do one day from each families days.
I was thinking I could ask the other family to cover the whole cost of the course and OFSTED registration ( about £170) and we cover the days off and inconvenience of finding alternative childcare.
I'm also not sure what to do about the feeling there is more respect the for the other employers than us. Toughen up?!!
I would be grateful for any advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
knackeredmother · 19/04/2012 21:26

I know BBC I am just so soft! Our nanny basically just tells me what I have to pay for, she doesn't ask. She knows I'm a bit pathetic I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
knackeredmother · 19/04/2012 21:27

I know BBC I am just so soft! Our nanny basically just tells me what I have to pay for, she doesn't ask. She knows I'm a bit pathetic I think!

OP posts:
bbcessex · 19/04/2012 21:28

Well Ms. Knackeredmother.. you can become 'unsoft'.. it just takes a bit of faking until you feel it!

You really are now at the point of no return. She has pushed it too far.

I would tell her, "I've emailed Family 2 to discuss an equitable way to do this - I am awaiting their response".. put some of the onus back on them.

If Mum 2 does refuse to pay, then you only pay half. About time nanny got a bit of a shock re: Mum 2 really.

You're not soft, you're nice. She's a cahhhhh (that's Essex for 'Cow' Smile) and you and your children deserve better x

bbcessex · 19/04/2012 21:30

see.. you need a lovely normal nanny like eurycantha Smile

eurycantha · 19/04/2012 21:35

Thanks bbcessex!!

bbcessex · 19/04/2012 21:40

You're welcome! Please get round knackeredmother's house and show her 'orrible nanny how it's done!

eurycantha · 19/04/2012 22:14

I think you are letting her walk over you a little bit also the other family and you do not seem to have the kind of relationship that mine do,they do not know each other but are considerate of the others situations especially regarding work and will ofter swop days around with each other if one mum has an emergency at work /important job on .you would perhaps be better off speaking to your nanny about thisWhile looking for another nanny

eurycantha · 19/04/2012 22:14

I can`t get the strikethrough to work ,sorry.

blapbird · 19/04/2012 22:42

you can't contact her other employers that's terrible!

BranchingOut · 19/04/2012 23:00

Why is that terrible blapbird? I have often seen it recommended that the two halves of a nanny share talk to each other about any issues affecting them jointly - while this may not be a technical nanny share (recruiting jointly or sharing care) they certainly share the services of the nanny.

Original poster
knackeredmother · 19/04/2012 23:25

Blapbird, I did get my nannies permission first. They had told her they would pay half of her OFSTED registration, she is asking me to fund the WHOLE first aid course in my working time. I can't see any other way to resolve it without talking to them tbh.

OP posts:
drinkyourmilk · 20/04/2012 08:24

Another nannies opinion - get rid.
You are the employer, yet she is dictating the terms of employment. Crazy. Maybe have a blunt talk with her to say that you were shocked at her difference in attitude wrt yourselves and her other employer and ask her outright if she still wishes to work for you. If she does then you expect her to understand that it is not easy for you to have her take time off, and you will be implementing SSP in future. I think her behaviour warrants a warning.

Also I think I'm right in saying that you are not part of a share, but your nanny has two part time jobs. So it is totally up to the nanny to negotiate with each family. Don't get caught up in trying to solve things yourself.

I also wanted to try to reassure you that there are an increasing number of nannies willing to look at part time positions and that your children will be absolutely fine with changing nannies. So please don't over compromise to keep this lady. When you have a nanny that is the right fit for your family the difference will be amazing.

Good luck!

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2012 08:41

i say it again - your nanny is taking the piss coz you allow her

tho i will say that i wont pay for ofsted reg, it doesnt benefit me at all and if anything just causes hassle for the nanny when she gets paid,ie often monthly salary comes in drips and drabs throughout the month - esp if mb and db use vouchers and if a nannyshare then my friend who has a 3 and 2 day job gets paid 6 times Shock yes 6 a month

tbh all the job interviews i have been to most dont want/need a reg nanny but those who do , then i say that they pay all costs and i even have in my contract stating that - and they are fine with that

so in your circumstances then nanny should get BOTH employers to pay and i would tell her to find a weekend course and do the first aid then - like us normal nannies do

StillSquiffy · 20/04/2012 10:01

I am Shock that you have still kept this nanny on after all the trouble and difficulty and upset she has caused you in the past.

Please, please please come down hard on her. She gives nannies a bad name and this is just more crap on top of all the other stuff she has thrown at you. 90% of nannies are lovely. It won't take you long to find one you deserve. Tell her she needs to sort her first aid out at the weekends, and while you are at it, tell her you need someone for three days, and if she is not willing to increase her hours to suit your needs you will have to make her redundant.

Honestly, once you get a good nanny in place, you will regret all the time you will have spent keeping this one on.

confusedpixie · 21/04/2012 10:40

As a nanny I say get rid too. She is taking the piss! I work for two families on different days and they are both equally important to me and they both have their own challenges and learning curves. I didn't even ask my employer to pay my ofsted reg (though that was because I felt the experience gained with the family would be more valuable) and I would certainly not get them to pay my first aids or take days off for it unless I desperately had too! There are so many courses on weekends available that she is just pushing her luck. you do have to toughen up with her and I reckon get a new nanny if you aren't happy in other ways.

TheBossofMe · 24/04/2012 03:42

OMG, you are still employing the world's cheekiest pisstaking nanny - WHY????

You have 2 choices:

  1. Toughen up
  2. Get rid

Pick one.

Original poster
knackeredmother · 24/04/2012 09:47

The boss - your post made me chuckle! Yes I am still employing her and I need another nanny I know! I did advertise but got very few responses, then work got busy, excuses, excuses......
I have spoken to the other MB about the possibility of one of us giving the time off and one of us paying for the course. She did not seem keen at all (fair enough) so things will come to a head soon. I won't be taken for a mug over this.

OP posts:
TheBossofMe · 24/04/2012 10:09

Glad I gave you a smile Grin

Seriously, though, you sound like a lovely person with a lot on your plate. You just need to learn to say no and stop being scared of your nanny. She's not helping with the problem, she's becoming the problem - she doesn't care about your family, is lazy and doesn't do what she's contracted to do, let along the little bit more that any decent human being would do under the circumstances. She fleeces you out of money (eg for the panto ticket) and takes you for a mug.

And the proof is in the pudding - she still works for the "tough" family who say no, and indeed is more respectful of them that she is of you. So you have nothing to be scared of. The worst case is she resigns. Hurrah. Problem solved.

Original poster
knackeredmother · 24/04/2012 13:54

Really good points theboss, have you thought of going into management consultancy work. You are good!
It is true that she shows more respect for them as they are tougher. A big reason I haven't got rid is I'm not sure how?
If we say we don't need her anymore then readvertise for the same hours will she have a case against us?

OP posts:
HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 24/04/2012 19:14

Yes I think she will. You can't make her redundant and then employ someone else to do her exact job; I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

If you want rid you need to sack her or honestly make her redundant i.e. use alternative childcare.

Original poster
knackeredmother · 24/04/2012 20:28

We looked at sacking after the dd nearly fell in the river whilst nanny chatted debacle. I took advise from ACAS and honestly it was a nightmare. I needed witness statements, written notice of disciplinary meetings etc. I just didn't have the time or energy to do it.
That's why when everyone says get rid, I agree in principle but how do others manage?
I do have a potential get out in that we could do with someone flexible to cover occasional evenings and odd weekend days. She point blank refuses to do this so it could be an option to change the job requirements.

OP posts:
HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 24/04/2012 20:47

You had the perfect opportunity 3 months ago when she dropped one of her days!

Tell her you need 3 days and you need occasional evenings/weekends.

EightiesChick · 24/04/2012 20:52

As HolyCCBatman says above. Tell her the hours and conditions are changing. Just do it now. The sooner you do, the sooner you can have a good nanny. There must be plenty who would welcome a decent employer.

MooveyMover · 24/04/2012 22:52

This is the same nanny? I was pretty horrified by that thread.

I might be mixing you up but there is a mother (Dr) on here who has a nanny who is less than supportive when her child is admitted to hospital - is this you or someone else?

I think you should move to terminate the employment on the basis of your needs changing.

MrAnchovy · 25/04/2012 03:44

You need to go and see a lawyer who will explain how a compromise agreement works. It won't cost you a great deal and all your problems with this person will go away.

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