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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Cm advice re screaming 2 year old

36 replies

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 13:58

Hi,
I have a 2.1 yr old dd who has been going to the same cm 3 days a week for 17 months. Dd has always been quite clingy with me but has settled quite well at the cm and usually goes there happily.
My DH has to go away for work for anything up to 3 weeks at a time semi regularly. Recently when he goes, dd gets terrible separation anxiety and apparently "screams all day" at the cm's. Cm was so concerned about it last week that she called me home from work on the 3rd day at lunchtime to pick up dd.
There is nothing physically wrong with dd, she's healthy, sleeping and eating well and happy at home. She just doesnt want to be away from mummy when daddy is away.
I kind of feel the cm ought to be able to deal with an upset child, as it's kind of her job to help children settle and feel secure. I'm just getting worked up at the idea of leaving dd again this week, her being sad, and on top, having to deal with the cm's long face and reproaches in the evening ("it upsets the other children").
AIBU? Should I just expect the childminder to deal with it? Or should I be scheduling time off and working from home every time my DH goes away? I don't know what to do...

OP posts:

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HSMM · 06/02/2012 14:01

Your CM should schedule some time with you to try and work out some strategies to help your DD. Maybe you could suggest it?

squinker45 · 06/02/2012 14:10

"screams all day". Sounds awful for the cm. I suppose it is part of her job to settle children etc but there's only so much you can do if you are not the person the child is screaming for. You might have to deal with the cms long face but she has to deal with someone screaming all day because of a home situation that is entirely out of her control.

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 14:12

Yes I agree, I think she and I need a proper chat. She keeps suggesting maybe dd is ill (last week she said maybe she was coming down with chicken pox, which she isn't), I think that we need to talk about the fact it really is just separation anxiety.

OP posts:

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 14:16

Thank you for your perspective squinker. I really hesitate between thinking its not fair on dd or the cm, to thinking well the cm did choose childcare as her job and some children do scream. It's not like dd doesn't know the cm or doesn't know what to expect or like anything is new or strange to her. Also I don't really have many options here because a new childcare setting would just make dd more upset, and I'm going to put my job on the line if I keep taking time off. Obviously I would do that for the sake of my dd, but is there anything the cm or I can do to help dd settle with the cm?

OP posts:

squinker45 · 06/02/2012 14:25

Sorry that did sound quite arsey. I suppose I was picking up that you were annoyed with the cm at being unable to cope with the situation, and I just thought that there probably isn't anything more she can do about it apart from somehow get your partner to not go away for work. As in, if that's the problem then how could the cm possibly fix it?

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 15:25

I probably come across as angry too, which I am. Not with the cm but at being in this situation alone. My DH swans off and I have all this extra sh*t to deal with. Sorry not feeling very good today. (DH currently in the caribbean)

OP posts:

insancerre · 06/02/2012 15:34

Does your DD have any sort of comfort item that might help her settle? Like a teddy or a toy from home or even something of yours or her dad's?
Do you try to be positive about her going to the cm's and settle her quickly with a kiss and a 'bye bye have fun see you later'?
Could you invite the cm round to your house for a one-off cuppa so your dd could see you together socially?
Does the cm give your dd a cuddle when she is upset? If not, what does she do to settle her?
There are lots of strategies that the cm could be using, and I think it is a cop-out for her to call you to collect your dd- she should be able to cope.
If she can't then maybe you need to find another cm. Maybe she is better with younger children and now that your dd is older she may find her more difficult and demanding.

thebody · 06/02/2012 17:18

Poor u and poor cm! u and the cm have to talk without her listening of course and get a strategy together.

I am a cm and it's quite frankly bloody awful to have a child scream all day but by phoning u and sending home your dd now knows how to control u both.

Is she bored? Does cm keep the setting busy. I usually find getting out and about cures the tantrums.

Try stickers and good behaviour charts. Above all don't give her attention, if she was my setting she would b out of the playroom in time out until she behaved herself tbh.

Above all don't give in to her, u or cm as I b lost then.

Unlurked · 06/02/2012 20:08

It does sound like a horrible situation for all three of you. I agree you need to arrange a time to talk to the cm about it properly. I definitely wouldn't be putting a child with separation anxiety into time out, I think that's probably the worst thing you could do tbh!

In my setting the things I would try foray in this type of situation are:
Keeping the dc busy, out of the house if possible.
Bringing comfort toys/blankets from home
Doing things 'for' mummy or daddy eg paintings to give to mummy or writing an email with photos to send to daddy

Your DD is making her feelings known the best way she knows how. It's up to you and your cm to work together to teach DD how to cope with the feelings she has when daddy is sunning it up in the carribean! Good luck.

thebody · 06/02/2012 21:10

I agree with all u say unfurled but the fact is this 2 year olds behaviour has to change for her happiness and for all concerned.

Any negative behaviour can be labelled, it doesn't help solve it though does it? Op has to work, dad has to work away, that's the child's reality so has to b dealt with as Soon As possible.

2 year olds shouldn't be screaming all day!
I say keep her busy, stamp on any hysterics and Time out because if u dont how horrible for other mindees

thebody · 06/02/2012 21:20

I agree with all u say unfurled but the fact is this 2 year olds behaviour has to change for her happiness and for all concerned.

Any negative behaviour can be labelled, it doesn't help solve it though does it? Op has to work, dad has to work away, that's the child's reality so has to b dealt with as Soon As possible.

2 year olds shouldn't be screaming all day!
I say keep her busy, stamp on any hysterics and Time out because if u dont how horrible for other mindees

In my experience 4 own Dcs and 7
Mindees it's best to b too busy with activities to pander to
Tantrums.

Unlurked · 06/02/2012 21:32

I agree with everything except the time out thebody! It's not something I use anyway but I just think if the child is upset because her dads disappeared (as far as she's concerned) and her mum has left her to go to work, to then be isolated from the cm will just make matters worse! Anyway as I say I don't use time out with my mindees or my own dcs so I don't actually have experience of using it so I'll shut up about it now .

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 06/02/2012 22:25

I'd be very sad if my cm was putting my dd in time out because she's upset and scared. She's not a naughty child and I've never needed to use time out with her or any other consequence because she is so cooperative in general. Apparently on Friday she would engage in activities and every so often stop, start crying and saying "cuddle mummy!" so I don't think it's tantrums so much as upset/tearful. But she seems very angry about being left as well as upset. I have texted the cm saying we need to talk before I leave dd with her on wed. Hope we can talk things through constructively. I've got such a lot on my plate at the moment I really could do with finding a solution to this ( am 19 weeks preg).

OP posts:

Unlurked · 06/02/2012 22:57

Definitely sounds like cm could be dealing with this without getting you out of work then. Have you been generally been happy with the cm in the past? Supporting your DD with changes in her life (dad being away and new baby on the way, mum being tired with pg etc) is a big part of a cm's job description. Maybe she was just having a bad week and now she's had time to process and think about things she'll have a plan in place for helping your DD to feel more settled and put your mind at ease.

spenditwisely · 06/02/2012 23:06

Try to look at this from your childrens point of view. To them, Daddy isn't really there, they have worked out that he might be there and might not be. You are also not there, because you take them to the CM and leave, then come back. For young children this can (not always will be of course) make them feel extremely vulnerable.

Separation anxiety can have serious consequences if it's not dealt with - my only suggestion to you is to tell DP to either change his job and be home more, or you will have to stop work to look after DCs. Alternatively you could get a nanny so there is more continuity for the children. If you are having another baby soon it might be the right time anyway. Would it be possible for you to put work on hold for a while?

HSMM · 07/02/2012 07:29

I look after a little boy who has 2 parents that keep jetting off around the world for days at a time. He went through a phase where he was finding it very difficult to cope with. I met with his parents and we developed a coordinated approach to help him deal with it. We were all kitted out with the facts about who was out of the country and how long for. We made picture books for him with pictures of planes, the parents, the countries they went to, etc. He still found it difficult and would say things like "Daddy coming back" (or Mummy), but he was much less unsettled, because we all made it very matter of fact and were all saying and doing the same things with him. He would sometimes borrow something, like Daddy's hat, or Mummy's scarf to 'look after' while they were away and this also seemed to help.

HSMM · 07/02/2012 07:30

Should add ... he's 26 months and fine about it all now. It's part of his life.

thebody · 07/02/2012 10:31

Time out isn't a punishment, it's simply time out, often a good opportunity to get away from the other children and to have a one to one cuddle with me and a private chat.

Spendit, sorry but it's not always possible to give up work or for dad to stop travelling! If my dh stopped working abroad we would loose our house, the op needs workable solutions.

Hssm made some fantastic points.

thebody · 07/02/2012 10:38

Can I just add to b fair to the cm, many threads on here deal with issues of child being upset in care settings and many parents post that' they would defiantly cross if cm or nursery didn't call their child was upset' sometimes u r dammed if u do and dammed if u don't.

HSMM · 07/02/2012 11:05

Agreed the body. Some of mindees parents would like to be called. Others wouldn't. (Disclaimer... I am minding, but sitting beside cot of mindee who won't sleep unless I sit here being boring)

Original poster

thing1andthing2 · 07/02/2012 12:24

Thanks all I'm making a list of the really good points you've brought up and I'll talk them through with my cm when I call her tonight. I'll let you know how I get on.

OP posts:

thebody · 07/02/2012 16:21

Good luck and try to remember its only a phase and she will come thru probably sooner than u think.

ArMax · 07/02/2012 19:20

Having a LO that cries all the time is draining, I speak as a childminder. I had to give notice in the past to a LO who was so distressed most of the day that it was causing upset to the whole setting. The LO was very premature and apparently seperation anxiety is quite often a problem they suffer from. Her parents were very understanding and placed her in a nursery which turned out to be the answer,she settled very well. I tried all the suggestions other posters have mentioned but in the end the setting wasn't right. I know my experience is a little different but thought it might help :o)

rockinhippy · 07/02/2012 19:32

Have you got a piece of old worn clothing belonging to DP, something that carries his smell & could be made into a soft toy for DD??? - it might help her to have something that reminds her of him, that she can love & cuddle whilst he's away - something of yours too perhaps - Mummy Bear & Daddy Bear, to give ciddles whilst Mummy & Daddy work ?? - just a thought

zipzap · 07/02/2012 19:44

Or a special bear/cuddly toy that goes off on an airplane when your dh goes away and then comes back when your dh goes away... Get your dh to sleep with it a couple of times beforehand so it will smell of him.

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