Cm advice re screaming 2 year old

[thing1andthing2]

Hi,
I have a 2.1 yr old dd who has been going to the same cm 3 days a week for 17 months. Dd has always been quite clingy with me but has settled quite well at the cm and usually goes there happily.
My DH has to go away for work for anything up to 3 weeks at a time semi regularly. Recently when he goes, dd gets terrible separation anxiety and apparently "screams all day" at the cm's. Cm was so concerned about it last week that she called me home from work on the 3rd day at lunchtime to pick up dd.
There is nothing physically wrong with dd, she's healthy, sleeping and eating well and happy at home. She just doesnt want to be away from mummy when daddy is away.
I kind of feel the cm ought to be able to deal with an upset child, as it's kind of her job to help children settle and feel secure. I'm just getting worked up at the idea of leaving dd again this week, her being sad, and on top, having to deal with the cm's long face and reproaches in the evening ("it upsets the other children").
AIBU? Should I just expect the childminder to deal with it? Or should I be scheduling time off and working from home every time my DH goes away? I don't know what to do...

I would expect the child minder to be able to deal with it and if she couldn't I would change child carers. If she's unable to settle your daughter she can't do the job you need her to do. Find someone else who can.

I took DD to the childminder today with a big bag of things from home - all the pictures of mummy, daddy, grandma etc from her bedroom wall, 3 teddies she chose, Daddy's t-shirt, mummy's scarf, her blanket. She talked quite happily about going there and the cuddles she would get. She still cried and clung to me when we got there but I went and sat down with her and we got out all the things and showed the cm and she seemed quite positive.
Today at work I have slacked off made a book for DD with photos nicked from the internet and a story about how daddy goes away, how he works there and how he comes back and gives DD cuddles. Then I have a page that we will fill in each time Daddy goes away about where he's going and how long for. The CM thought it was a good idea and said she would read it with DD.
Hopefully it's enough to help DD turn the corner. I have every confidence in the CM's care of DD but we've always had communication issues between her and us as parents.

That sounds really positive thing1, I hope it all works out for all of you

How was your daughter today when you picked her up, OP?

I agree with PP that said it must be so hard for all of you - CM, your DD and you, OP!

That sounds brilliant, thing. Hope it works. :)

Well DD had another screaming day yesterday despite all the stuff I took for her. I went to pick her up half an hour early and me and CM had a bit of a chat. It sounds like CM changes her plans quite a lot if DD is having a screaming fit. Which sounds to me like DD has found with screaming she gets the whole household to revolve around her! At home she just has to do what me and DH say, protests or not . Anyway, I said please don't stop doing your planned activities just because of DD, that's just incentivising the screaming! Hopefully if CM is more boundaried not only will DD feel safer but also she'll eventually realise screaming doesn't get her anywhere.
This may sound harsh towards DD, but at home she talks quite happily about her day, eats well, sleeps well and doesn't protest about the idea of going to the cm. It's only outside the door of the cm's house that the "cuddle mummy" starts. So I can't believe she's traumatised by her day with the cm! Also the cm gives her loads of attention, love and cuddles, so she knows she's safe there.
Isn't 2 the age where they start realising they can control their situation a bit more and throw their weight around? Maybe DD has found screaming at the cm's to be a good way to get a bit more attention focused around her?

I said this in my post and was flamed for being hard for putting your dd in time out.

Your cm sounds lovely but letting ur 2 year old control her is plain daft.

Also although your ideas for settling your dd were good to take all if those things every day to a setting is not sensible, in my opinion you and your cm are trying my h to hard to 'understand ' her behaviour.

Your dh works away, so has mine since my Dcs were little, you need to work, stop pandering to her both of you, cuddles and kisses, lots of activities and fun, keep her busy but if she screams then your cm needs to ignore her in time out.

She will soon learn, it's not cruel it's sensible or between the two of you she will be spoilt and that's not fair on her.

Just to add I don't in any way see your dd as naughty just that she knows how to push both of your buttons and is doing just that. Can't say I blame her because it's lovely to get all the attention , she just has to learn that attention us given for positive and happy behaviour not for screaming.

Also get ur dh involved, he has to help with this and don't agonise or go into much detail before he goes away, be calm and matter of fact.

My dh used to bring the kids little chocci gifts when he came back fro
Trips and we would have family video and pizza night. Make his coming back positive not the going away negative.

Good luck and remember just a phase.

Just to add I don't in any way see your dd as naughty just that she knows how to push both of your buttons and is doing just that. Can't say I blame her because it's lovely to get all the attention , she just has to learn that attention us given for positive and happy behaviour not for screaming.

Also get ur dh involved, he has to help with this and don't agonise or go into much detail before he goes away, be calm and matter of fact.

My dh used to bring the kids little chocci gifts when he came back fro
Trips and we would have family video and pizza night. Make his coming back positive not the going away negative.

Good luck and remember just a phase.

Thanks thebody. The good news is although this morning was bad she had a really good afternoon so hopefully the new hardline approach is working. Crossed fingers for tomorrow.

It will work out as she has a g8 mum and cm, and of course she a clever little monkey as all kids should b! Also it's very easy to give advice on other peoples kids, mine ran rings round me too of course, hope all goes well for u all