Thoughts on my nanny's behavior please

[Knackeredmother]

i posted on here a while ago about my sick ds, his frequent hospital admissions, how we are struggling to cope and asking if it was reasonable to ask our nanny to help out with children's laundry, cooking extra meals etc to help out.
I'm on my phone so can't link to the thread but will do so later.
Anyway on advice from here I had a talk and explained how difficult things were and asked to her do the extra things. Things have improved slightly. She has made the children's beds a few times and done some laundry. Still a way to go but some improvement.
However I am struggling with the fact that when I let her know
My son is in hospital (so she can plan her week) she does not reply. This just seems to me that she doesn't care. He is in hospital now, very very ill, and I text her yesterday to let her know and she has not replied.
I know I can't force her to care and I don't feel I can bring it
Up but it is really affecting how I feel about her.
I am not sure if I am expecting too much or if it would be reasonable to expect her to at least to reply ' with I hope he is ok'?
I would appreciate your thoughts and I promise this is the last time I will post about my nanny saga!

Oh, poor you, knackeredmother, i do feel for you. I find it hard to understand - I know that my nanny would respond immediately.

It is possible she is thinking that she wants to avoid stressing you with extra messages. I know that I would feel a bit stressed by getting lots of 'hope he's ok' messages as I'd feel I had to reply to them, and wouldn't want to spend time doing it. But equally, I would probably feel hurt if the messages didn't come.

For what it's worth, I hope that your son is okay, and that you can bring him home soon.

As a nanny, I couldn't imagine not ringing to ask after my charges if they were ill or in hospital. Most nannies have a strong bond with their charges and we love them! I've had several occassions when charges have been in hospital for various reasons and I've always visited if appropriate ( ie. I wasn't at home looking after the siblings ) or phoned about them if it's been my weekend off. Once my charge had a playdate and the little girl got taken poorly and it turned out she had meningitus and was in hospital for a long time. I went to visit her. Her own nanny did not. They got rid of her.

Your nanny sounds really uncaring. She's not supported you at all through this tough patch you're going through, shows no empathy or concern for your DS and I find it really bizarre that she won't even respond to a text when your son is so obviously ill. You need support right now. Personally I'd show her the door. I hope your DS makes a good recovery and is out of hospital soon.

sending you a virtual hug, and a rather than any advice

How is she when she comes in? Does she ask after him/seem concerned then?

Hi, Knackeredmother, you really don't need this extra stress. I find it quite unbelieveable that she hasn't responded. As Ebb says we love the children we look after. To be honest, I would have thought most nannies would have ask if there was any thing else they could do to help make life a little easier.
As for 'hope they get better' that should be the first thing a childs nanny should ask., its standard.
Sounds to me like she is taken advantage of your lovely nature.
Agree with Ebb, would show her the door.
I hope your ds gets better really soon and that you find a solution to your nanny problem without too much stress.

have to say I agree - doesn't sound like it is working out that well - some people in a stressful situation just don't step up to it -
its however probably not a great time to be changing nannies -and how long has she worked for you as it may be tricky legally

Although I feel very sorry for you OP, I personally would not hold it against my nanny if she didn't reply to my texts, unless I specifically asked for a response. I just wouldn't expect that from a nanny. But you are clearly upset by it and you shouldn't ignore that. I guess, if I were you, I'd give her notice.

I don't think it unreasonable to expect her to reply and for many reasons it doesn't sound like this nanny is a 'good fit' for you (I read the previous thread).

If I was you I would text 'please could you reply so I know you have got this text, thanks, X'. If she replied 'yes I got it, hope everythings ok?' or similar then I'd feel reassured - as perhaps she wasn't replying so as not to harrass you (tenuous hope). If she replied 'yes I did' or something similar - without any reference to your situation or DC's health then I'd feel she was a heartless cow a bit thoughtless and start to plan for her replacement.

Your nanny sounds horrible! My groom seems to take more interest in finding out if the horses are OK via Facebook on her days off than your nanny does for your sick DS. This may not be the right time to look for a new nanny but I think you may have to consider the possibility soon.

Hope your DS is feeling better very soon!

If my charge was in hospital I would be texting/calling my boss every day to see how he was and sending care packages as well as offering to do extra stuff on my days off - Although my boss wouldn't expect that I would guess she would also feel uneasy if I didn't care I spend at least 60 hours a week with him so we have a strong bond :)

I am a nanny and text to see how my charge is when she has a cold, your nanny is not the norm she sounds horrible.

Really sorry you are having such a difficult time, and very best wishes for your little boy.

There may be any number of reasons for her behaviour, but you ought to be feeling supported and helped by the very person you employ to help with your child.

When DS was tiny and we had a nanny she came to visit him in hospital every day and played with him for a while so that we could get something to eat. We didn't ask her to do that, we had given her paid leave during the planned hospital stay.

I used to be a nanny and got rather attached to the children I looked after. Only one child had to be rushed to hospital but I was there 100% for whatever needed doing and didn't care what my contract said.

As a side issue, a nanny should be doing anything to do with the child so surely she should be making his bed, doing laundry, etc anyway.

Anyone surely would go that extra mile when a child is ill, especially somneone who cares for them as a regular job.

O god, poor you, how stressful . I know my nanny would definitely text to ask how any of my DC were if they were ill, and she has only been with us a few weeks. DS2 was (mildly) ill last week and she was texting on her days off (I work p-t, so she does also) to get updates on him. She even texted to ask how my mum was when I mentioned that she wasn't very well!

And I think I posted on your previous thread about how it was completely reasonable of you to ask your nanny to do things like laundry, collect meds, make meals etc. I am glad that she has started doing a bit more, but it all sounds a bit grudging, which is not great. I know you can't 'force her to care' - but surely you shouldn't have to, that's her job, isn't it? The nannies I have had have all done the job because they love children, and have forged a strong bond with mine. I am not surprised it's upsetting you.

why dont you ring her instead of texting her?

maybe she doesnt know what to say to you in reply - if she said - oh dear/not again/sorry to hear that etc - everytime you text then sounds uncaring

yes most nannies would reply, but seem your wont and you can either decide to live with it/her or get a new nanny that will support you

Is there any chance she's lost her phone??

Um, I've never had or been a nanny, so I may be a bit clueless, but my take on it is that she's your employee and I wouldn't assume she cares for / thinks about the children when she is away from them. I don't think that makes her a bad nanny, but your children are her job, not friend or family. She may have worries of her own, she may just need to switch off from work when she gets time off.

As for different / extra duties, she may not be keen depending on the terms of her contract. Since she presumably qualified as a nanny, perhaps she is not keen on household duties and is reluctant to do them. I agree this is a bit cold given your situation - it depends if the relationship is strictly business or if she is considered part of the family.

From the other posts, though, it sounds like other nannies are much kinder, so maybe when the time is right you can find someone who is likely to form a genuine bond with your children.

Hope your son gets better soon, and hope you are getting support elsewhere from local friends etc.

You really, really need to find a new nanny! She has taken on a family where one of her charges is often ill, I would think that supporting him and you is part of her job.

My BF has a DD who is profoundly disabled with loads of health problems. She is often hospitalized. Her nanny liaises with her to see what needs to be done at that particular point in time. Sometimes that means spending time at the hospital with the child who is ill so her parents can spend time with their other kids, at other times it's keeping things going at home so the parents can play tag at the hospital. If your nanny genuinely has no attachment to your child who is ill I can't see what she is adding to your lives. Un-MNly hugs!

I remember your previous thread and I'm sorry to hear your son is so ill at the moment. I also think you should get a new nanny, the stress with this one is dragging on and there are lots of extremely nice hardworking nannies out there. I am not sure I am troubled about texting at the weekend as maybe she doesn't use her phone then and thinks on Monday morning that she will see your family so no need to reply, but I am bothered that you have had to repeatedly remind her to do perfectly normal duties and even after reminders she is only doing them "a few times". She is a substandard employee.

Given your previous thread, I really think you need to get in a new nanny. Having a nanny that cares makes the world of difference and you simply don't need this negativity in your life.

If she has worked for you for less than one year you can simply give her notice and do not need to make her redundant or dismiss her for capability issues. The notice period gives you the time to find a new nanny. If she asks for a reason you are entitled to say that her personality simply hasn't gelled with the family. You can give any reason so long as it is not discriminatory

If she has worked for you for more than one year you could only dismiss her if you were making the actual role itself redundant (because she has not done anything to justify dismissal). You can only do this if you change the role itself very substantially. In your shoes I imagine you may want to switch the role into a housekeeper role with some nanny duties and you would need to emphasise that it is the help with laundry, chores, shopping and suchlike that you need. If she has the capability to perform this role you need to offer it to her first, but I imagine she will not be interested, especially if the new role requires variable/unsociable hours (that change at short notice) in order to tie into your hospital requirements (Yes, there are some subtle hints in there). You will still need to give her her notice period and also pay redundancy if she has been with you for more than 2 years. A subsequent nanny would need to be hired on this changed basis, but once your hospital schedule settles down you could revert to more normal hours/duties with a new nanny.

If you believe that there isn't a redundancy situation, then you can only part company if you both agree that this is the best course to take. To do that you would need to sit down with her and explain that although she is great at her job she hasn't gelled with you and your family as much as you'd hoped and that you think she may want to look for another family and that you will be happy to support her in her search but that there is a likelihood in the near future that you may switch to alternative childcare arrangements anyway and that you would rather give her lots of notice so that she can find something else than let the situation continue and then find that you suddenly have to make her redundant.

I read your first posts about your nanny,I can t believe that she doesn t make the children s bed s every day and also do all their washing I and a lot of nannies I know also do their bosses too.Your nanny really doesn`t seem to care very much for your DS .All nannies would be on the phone to you[Well not your nanny] to ask if you need anything and to check on your son.I would be visiting him and sending books ,puzzles along to him .Xmas baby We are nannies because We love children and are being paid to care for them and to support the family when there are any family emergencies,The duties that Knackeredmother has outlined are reasonable for a nanny to do.I hope your son is out of hospital soon .

This is PART TIME nanny who I think works wed-fri and you txt on Sunday
who has her OWN CHILDREN and DH maybe these come 1st when she is not working for you.
DO supply a work phone? Do you give here money for text messages?
As blonde says phone her and then you pay for the call.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if the nanny is justified or not in not responding to texts. The relationship has broken down and hasn't really improved, and it is making the mother depressed at a time when she needs support. Not the nanny's fault, not the mother's fault.

from what OP said on both threads there is a lot that is great about this nanny, but that doesn't mean that mother can continue to ignore fact that relationship is different from what she expects, and the longer it is ignored,the more stressful it becomes. Asking a mother to adjust her expectations and put up with a nanny who she feels doesn't care about her children is a pretty big ask, IMO, and the nanny has done nothing to indicate that she does care - only fulfilling her actual duties because she was pulled up on it.

A mother is - within the first year of employment - perfectly within her rights to dismiss someone she just doesn't get on with, just as an employee is perfectly within her rights to look for another job at any time. That is partly why employment law gives a 12 month window - that is a long enough period to establish whether you can or cannot have a good long term relationship.

OP - you asked if you were being reasonable to expect her to not respond. TBH there is no wrong/right although most of us think it really odd that she doesn't. But I think your your real question is "do you think I should continue to put up with it when it upsets me?" and the answer to that, IMVHO is No. I don't think you can adjust your expectations to make this element of behaviour 'not matter'.

I am a Childminder diffrent relationship with 'My children' I know, theyre all after schoolers, term time only, so 'part time' if you like.
(I have DH & two DS)
But I have a mindee who just before the summer holiday had a very nasty virus well thats what the Dr's think it was now, lasted about a monthish, she had Anti B's CAT scans MRI's etc etc doctors was'nt sure what was wrong,
But I still contacted mum or she I, every day/other day for an update see if there was any change..
I do find your Nanny a little odd I must say.

Thankyou so much for all your really helpful replies. We are home now and I'm exhausted and I will reply properly later. I just wanted to say thankyou for taking the time to give me really helpful and thoughtful replies.
Thanks for asking about my son too.